Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

So I find myself here....

It was so great to belong to a BMB. And now, I'm kind of lost. I want to be able to talk to people going through this with me. Especially those of you who were supposed to be with me on the S18 road to baby.

I'm still kind of in shock. Trying to sort through this is a lot.

At our regular OB visit on the 27th, they were unable to find baby's HB. Assured me they were not worried, was still early and placenta could have been blocking but everything else was spot on for my dating. Scheduled a US for the next morning. I left work and met DH at the hospital. I was prepared to see baby and heartbeat and go back to my office shouting from the rooftop that were were pregnant. But no. No heartbeat. We were sent back to OB. I'm not sure if DH was in denial or just hopeful. But I knew. I saw the dopplar with no HB registering. OB confirmed,  MCC.

I had my D&E on Thursday (March 1st) and all things considered, it went well. I had amazing staff caring for me. And I mean truly caring. They'd been there before me, laid on that table, felt the heartbreak and shared their stories. It was beautiful to be surrounded my so much love and support in such an emotional and painful moment of my life. I don't remeber their names, it was a blur. But their kindness will never be forgotten. 

I'm tired, emotionally drained. But I want a baby. My family isn't done, we are all ready for another. God this is truly aweful. 

Sorry for ranting, it just helps me feel a bit better everytime I can get it out there.

Re: So I find myself here....

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    My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Take good care of yourself and reach out when you need it. Somehow, even though you will never get over your loss, it gets easier. Sending you big hugs 
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    @prpl11butterfly - I am so sorry for your loss and sad to see you here. I was hoping I'd be the last September mama to bow out. I also found the most comforting part of this the nurses at the hospital who shared their stories with me and were so incredibly compassionate. This board is pretty slow, but I have found a lot of support over in Trying to Conceive After a Loss, when you're ready. 
    Me: 36 | DH: 41 | Married: 9/29/07 | DD: December 2018 | BFP: 2/1/21, EDD: 10/6/21
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    @Kabazaba nurses are truly amazing people. I did post over there the other day, but it seems a bit generic. I'm ready to try again  (in fact 1 of the first things I asked OB was when) but I'm not actually cleared to yet and DH wants to wait until I'm emotionally healed. I think that won't be until we conceive again.
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    ble1ble1 member
    Hey, i was part of Sept18 also and pretty much the same thing happened to me mmc and i had surgery on Monday. It is heartbreaking. If you want pm me, we unfortunately seem to be in the same situation 
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    @prpl11butterfly You have nothing to be sorry about. My heart breaks for you and I have tears for you. Please take good care of yourself <3 

    There's a really great group of women in the ttgp boards if you want to come over there. There is a ttcal thread that is wonderfully helpful. Maybe I'll see you there :) 
    People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.

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    IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
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    FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
    FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
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    IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
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    Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
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    @suzycupcake you will most definitely find me there. Hopefully soon.
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    I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss, and I am right there with you. I hadn't even joined in on the September board because I wasn't sure I would be able to dedicate the time to it, but we found out at our first ultrasound on 2/5 that baby was measuring much smaller than expected based on my dates. They booked me for a followup u/s on 2/15, but I think I knew all along that it wasn't going to be good. I was certain of my dates. Waited 10 days in near agony and found out baby never grew another day and heartbeat was gone. I had my D&C 2 weeks ago today.

    It's been the biggest challenge of my life. It's hard to see pregnancy announcements from friends on FB with babies due in September, even when I am happy for them. I will have sudden bursts of sorrow when it hits me all of the moments I won't be experiencing with this child that I was already so in love with. But I know that I will make it through this season. Just know you aren't alone.

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    @georgiagirl2425 I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It's such a heart wenching experience. I hope you are able to find peace and get a rainbow quickly when you and DH are ready. 
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    I was due early October and find myself shocked to be here.

    Went to my 8 week appointment on the 28th and there were 2 empty sacs ... no baby (or babies) to be seen.

    They had me come back to check for changes today and there was no change.

    I have had no spotting or bleeding. Just typical minor cramping so this came as an incredible blow to my husband and I.

    I am scheduled for a D&C on Monday. I am hosting a bridal shower and bachelorettr party in the next 5 weeks otherwise I may have waited for a natural loss up to12 weeks but I just have too much on my plate to wait this out.

    My husband has been amazing throughout this and I know we will come through this a stronger couple. I believe things happen for a reason even if we don't understand it in the moment.

    I am so sorry to share this loss with everyone here and wish for all of us to find our rainbows soon.
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    ble1ble1 member
    @GeorgiaGirl1230 I have the same sudden bursts of sorrow. I  told Dh this whole year will be hard as we already pictured our pregnancy and baby with us for so many events throughout this year. 

    @bethica83 I am so sorry for your losses. Dh and I have definitely become even more vulnerable and grown closer together because of our recent loss.  Wish you luck on Monday, our d&c would be 2 weeks ago on Monday. Hoping for rainbow babies soon
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    @bethica83 I am so sorry for your loss(es). We are also in the camp of "everything for a reason" even if it's hard to accept. DH says that one of us was missing page 3 of the plan. It will either make you or break you as a couple but I think more often then not, it's make. DH and I have been together nearly 14 years, starting when I was 16. We've both done a lot of changing over these years and I thought we couldn't possibly get any stronger. I also thought we'd battled our share of troubles. But here we are adding to our growth as a couple. 

    I'm glad that your H has been great, I think it's good for the healing process. I hope he's able to grieve in his own way as well, sometimes men are hard to read. Hoping your D&C goes smoothly. I had mine last Thursday so if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me. 

    Hugs and hope you also get a rainbow soon :heart:
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    @ble1 and @prpl11butterfly Thank you and I am definitely glad to hear from ladies who felt their relationships grow stronger. I think so often we see it as something that breaks relationships.

    I know my husband doesn't like to talk about feelings much but I know he's grieving in his own way. I can feel it in his touch mostly. Sometimes he just reaches over and touches me and I know he's thinking about the loss.

    A nurse called me to go over instructions to get ready for the procedure today. She started and ended the call with so much empathy and kind words - I appreciated that so much.
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    @bethica83 my nurses made what was such an aweful event also one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. There was so much love and empathy from them it was overwhelming (hell I'm still tearing up thinking about it). They shared their stories of loss and of successful babes that followed. The ones that didn't have their own stories sat with me rubbing my legs and arms and just basically being there for me. It was beautiful to feel such unconditional love from strangers.

    I have no doubt that you will be in great hands Monday :heart:

    I'm just gonna go ahead and cry now.....
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    I'm so sorry, I was in the Sept18 board as well. I had a mmc and d&c last week. My doctors were really wonderful also. My mom was impressed with the hospital, and I'm thankful for that at least. I'm glad yours were also. 
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    @projectalice I thought your SN looked familiar. I am so very sorry that you are joining here. Feel free to reach out if you need to vent, talk, ramble. Whatever, I'm available.
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    @projectalice sorry to see you share this grief with us. How are you feeling?

    I am not even 48 hours from my d&c and my body has amazed me. Smooth physical recovery so far.

    Emotionally I am better than expected. I had nearly 2 weeks knowing I had miscarried before the procedure so it was a relief and provided closure for me. I definitely wasn't ready for it when we first found out.

    The clinic was great, my doctor has been wonderful.

    I still have my ups and downs. But I am looking forward to getting the all clear to try again.
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    @bethica83 I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I'm really glad to hear that it went smooth and that your doing well emotionally. I hope the rest of your recovery, both emotional and physcial, continues to go well :heart:
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    ble1ble1 member
    @projectalice I was Sept18 also. I had a d&c for a mmc 2.5 weeks ago. It makes it a little easier when the hospital/dr office staff are sweet. The intake nurse at my post op appointment was so sweet and kept saying how sorry she was for our loss. How are you doing this week?
    @bethica83 2.5 weeks post op I still have up and occasional downs. It does get better slowly
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    Here I am. Baby due September 14. I thought I was 14 weeks yesterday. I saw our baby at 6 weeks and thought it was very early. It was measuring a week smaller but the doctors assumed it was fine. I have had appointments but they haven’t checked the heartbeat until my appointment today at 14 weeks. They checked and couldn’t find the heartbeat so we went back and did an ultrasound. The woman turned the screen to me and showed me the empty sac. The sac looks like it stopped growing around 8 weeks. Only two weeks after we saw the faint heartbeat. I don’t think the baby lived much longer after seeing it. I was very ill with pregnancy symptoms until 12/13 weeks so I just assumed I was over the hump. Crazy how that works. I started spotting dark brown blood last night. I’ve had my concerns this whole pregnancy but I don’t know how that compares to my concerns with my first two healthy pregnancies. We are always scared, right? And when something happens to 1 in 3 of our pregnancies our concerns are validated. I just found out this morning so I’m a bit shocked still. This is so sad. 
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    @alexandrajhagerman I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to go through. I am sorry that you went so long thinking all was well when it wasn't.
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    Oh @alexandrajhagerman I know how painful seeing an empty sac is. It was shocking and heartbreaking for me.

    Sending you peace and love.
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     Thank you guys. I had a rough week or 2. The hospital was so sweet, they actually sent me a card. The experience was a million times better than my first miscarriage and d&c.
    I've been making sure to go outside in the sun most days and take my vitamins, trying to think positively. It's helping and I'm feeling better, even if some days I have to fake it. I'm in a better frame of mind now. 
    It's amazing how much better I felt physically after it was over. My horrible sickness went away that day and I didn't need MS meds anymore. My energy levels are way better, and my patience is back. I'm not a jerk anymore. Mentally I still get sad though. 
    It's kinda hard going back to work because I'm a nanny and the woman I work for got pregnant same time as me. It suuuuuucks and it's hard. She and her husband don't want me to tell their son "my baby died", so I guess I have to keep it a secret. 

    I'm so sorry Alexandra, my first pregnancy and mc was an empty sac. It's so shocking... Even worse that you didn't know this whole time. :( I hope you're doing ok and can take a little break to help recover. Did they say it was a blighted ovum?

    I hope everyone else is doing ok too. There are definitely ups and downs. It's ok to feel sad, mad or anything in between. 
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    So sorry you're going through this. It is never easy. Just take some time for yourself and I'll be praying for your rainbow 
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