@lindsayleigh1989 I just don't agree with spanking. I do think it's mean and I think it's sad for the kid and the parent. Not everything posted on here is going to be constructive, nice and comforting. As @runsomewhere said, I think it's ok for people to have opinions and not be supportive of other people's opinions. This is just one of those things for me and I won't change my mind.
I am also on team no hitting of any kind, and thankfully my husband is, too. I was hit as a child for years by my mother who has explained to me as an adult that she was told it was the best way to discipline me even though she didn't want to do it. [insert eye roll] To be fair, it was more than a simple smack on the butt and included lots of screaming. Like, @lelo2006, I still have lots of resentment and it really damaged our relationship. I feel like she let herself lose control because it was easy.
For our family, I can honestly tell my children that they shouldn't hit each other because we don't hit them. We use one warning, timeouts, losing privileges/items, and redirection. In addition, we don't do much yelling. My husband hollers every time my son bites him because it hurts and he can draw blood, but that's about it. I never raise my voice because I grew up with it, and I don't like the feeling of losing control. Basically, we try as much as possible to model the behaviors we desire, and hide the ones we don't.
But we're human, and as much as we try we still end up swearing in front of the kids although we don't think it's cute for little kids to swear. My DD said dammit yesterday morning while playing a game with me and at the time I chose to pass on it. Dammit is something I say a lot--oops! It was the first time I've heard her curse, so I'm still thinking of the best way to teach her not to use the "adult words".
Giving homeless money, if your hungry I’d rather buy you some food. If your selling something then I’ll help by purchasing something because your actually trying. I hate it when they pull kids into the mix or rub it in your face that we have something they don’t. Dude not the right way to go about asking for help.
I'm guilty of this wayyy to often. There are so many homeless people in Los Angeles and with the way rents are here, it's just getting worse.
Giving homeless money, if your hungry I’d rather buy you some food. If your selling something then I’ll help by purchasing something because your actually trying. I hate it when they pull kids into the mix or rub it in your face that we have something they don’t. Dude not the right way to go about asking for help.
There are so many homeless people in LA and it makes me sad. Rent is just SOOooo expensive here and there are so many people living on the street. I totally agree with you on giving money but I still do it occasionally.
@Lelo2006 okay whatever i never asked you to change your mind ever my only issue was with how it was worded. that is all. and for the record we dont spank. I think there is a way to disagree without putting others down that is all
I also would much prefer to buy a homeless person a slice of pizza or a sandwich over giving them money. I know just because someone is homeless does not necessarily mean they are a drug addict or alcoholic, but I still want to make sure they are getting a meal or something they really need rather than something that is going to hurt them even more.
@Lelo2006 okay whatever i never asked you to change your mind ever my only issue was with how it was worded. that is all. and for the record we dont spank. I think there is a way to disagree without putting others down that is all
@lindsayleigh1989 I don't think she was trying to put others down. She was stating that the act was mean and sad not that a specific person was. SOmeone else said it on here but I don't want to page back...I think we take things too personally. Do what works for you and if someone has a different opinion don't take that as a personal attack-or get defensive for others and take it as a personal attack on them.
Jumping in a bit late on the spanking debate. MH wants to spank, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea. I was a very strong-willed and hard-to-discipline child. My mom was asked by my preschool to stop spanking me, because they thought it was the reason that I was becoming physical with other children (slapping them, etc.). She stopped spanking me, and that behavior stopped. It's just anecdotal evidence, and we don't know for sure that spanking is what caused my behavioral issues (with regards to violence towards other children), but it's enough to make me question whether it's a practice I want to use with my kids.
ETA: And the spankings I received were never with a belt or done particularly hard. Putting me in the corner or "time out" didn't work, because I would literally try to walk out of the corner and would just walk away from "time out." My mom ended up controlling my behavior well enough by taking away something that I really liked (can't go to a friend's house, can't play with favorite toy for a week, no TV for a week, etc.)
Re homeless: It is a VERY big issue here in So CA. I was raised to offer a bottle of water or a snack instead of money. I'll never forget being at a McDonald's with my mom and sister, when a homeless woman went around asking for money to buy food. She was bit unstable and people were mocking her, yelling at her, and just being mean. My mom got up from our table, walked over to her and told her, "I want to buy you a meal for now and a meal for later. Please walk up with me and pick whatever you would like from the menu". The entire restaurant was silent and stared. The homeless woman kept repeating herself, "Thank you so much, that's all I wanted". This right here showed every child in that place that kindness, compassion and generosity reach people more than being mean. As well as showing the adults how a respectful adult should act. I will say that a lot of the homeless in our area get angry when we offer them water, gatorade, or a snack instead of money. DH has literally said, "your sign says hungry, I'm offering you food". The guy just huffed about needing money more. So we put the food next to him and walked away.
Re spanking: I was spanked as a child. Always for misbehaving. I didn't grow up that my parents spanked me or resent them for this. I learned to listen to what they told me and to respect their authority. Will I spank my child if he/she misbehaves, maybe. However, I am not going to judge someone else's choices on how to discipline their kid(s). I also got soap put in my mouth for talking back. My issue is with people spanking someone else's kid (whether you are aunt, uncle, cousin, grandma, grandpa, babysitter, friend). You have no right to discipline someone else's child this way.
Re kids cursing: I have a potty mouth and have had to catch myself mid curse in front of my nieces and nephews. If I start to say "Sh!t", I switch it to "shiitake". DH is worse. We have to work on it...
@zande2016 yeah wasn’t implying that either and I’ve seen some real honest posters out there with what they intend to do. But like you said I’d rather give them something they need to survive and feel good about it. I will usually give away my food if i see them asking.
I agree on the cosleeping, as a FTM it makes me nervous and I just know it's not for us, I believe in having my babe in his own space even when that's in a bassinet next to me...but that may be because both DH and I are only children!!! Re: spanking, I don't like hitting to discipline either but I definitely got a few light spanks as a child and I don't feel like I was abused, it wasn't one of those "get belly down on the bed I'll spank you", mostly a light spank while I was being a jerk( I say this lovingly) and laughing and running away after doing something wrong.
@zombiehoohaa re: spanking other's kids--that's at least the one thing I'm so thankful my mom has said she would never ever do with our kids. She won't even begin to discipline my kids at all, despite all she put us through when I was a kid. It actually makes me uncomfortable when I see grandparents discipline (or yell at) their grandchildren...in front of the silent parents of said child. I'm like, who's the parent here? I would be livid if one of our parents or siblings disciplined my kids UNLESS it was for an immediate safety issue.
@lindsayleigh1989 I don't think she was trying to put others down. She was stating that the act was mean and sad not that a specific person was. SOmeone else said it on here but I don't want to page back...I think we take things too personally. Do what works for you and if someone has a different opinion don't take that as a personal attack-or get defensive for others and take it as a personal attack on them.
@zande2016 yeah wasn’t implying that either and I’ve seen some real honest posters out there with what they intend to do. But like you said I’d rather give them something they need to survive and feel good about it. I will usually give away my food if i see them asking.
I know you weren't implying that, I just prefaced it that way because I didn't want anyone to think I felt that way. Maybe I am being too cautious and afraid of offending lol.
Spanking is always a touchy subject. I remember the topic being discussed in my last BMB and it sparking lots of flames.
If there is one thing being a mother of 3 boys (going on 4) has taught me, it's that every child is different. Parenting is a learning curve and it's always changing. Spanking isn't mean. It's also not going to work on every child. My second born taught me that. Spanking should always be controlled and within reason. You should never spank a child out of anger or rage. Ever. But I absolutely do not think a spanking = violence or abuse. There's a difference. Our kids ages are 9, almost 7, and 3. The 9 and 7 year old haven't been spanked in years. None of my boys (and let me tell you they are all BOY and very physical - they love to wrestle and play fight) have never hit another person or thought it was ok to. Even at their young ages they know the difference between what a spanking/ discipline is and actual physical violence. They have also never questioned our love for them. Just my two cents.
@noideawhatshesdoing I think that is where my fear comes from there was a case here some years ago where a parent had been drinking and while the mother was still sleeping with the child the partner accidentally rolled onto the child killing them a tragic accident and for me I don't think I could ever relax enough to just sleep. however i may feel different in those sleep deprived early nights
here is another UO when I see random names love titing posts and discover they have zero post history it creeps me out! who just lurks these boards for funsies but literally adds nothing? and I'm talking no post history ever on the bump..... I'm looking at you starfish1130 stranger danger!
further I think the bump should limit what only lurkers can see if not deactivate their accounts. we share personal information and I don't love that random people just come check it out for funsies without participating
I agree with @wildtot , different things work for different kids. Spanking and timeout don't really affect my daughter at all (she laughs at both) but close family spanks and their kids are very well behaved and actually respond to it positively. Another close family member refuses to spank too but they get nowhere with their option for redirecting, and I've wondered if spanking might help.
Ultimately it's up to the parents to do their best and I think most sane rational parents out there can tell what is effective and what isn't, and what is inflicting pain or trauma to their kids or isn't.
My UO for the day - my husband doesn't come with me to my dr's appointments for the baby, or with me to the kids appointments. Might be normal for others too but I've had some personal comments made that make it sound like I'm suffering and DH is mean for not going with but they're kinda boring....
@wildtot@zombiehoohaa I agree with you both regarding homelessness. It is such a huge problem in LA and I used to work at a nonprofit for homeless families. It’s tough to see but I don’t think handing them money is going to solve the issue. I do believe offering them a meal and a phone number for resources is the way to go. As sad as it is, there are some people who choose to be homeless and not accept the help whether they like that lifestyle or they are fighting other demons but there are others who don’t even know about the resources in their area. I didn’t even know about it until I started working there. In LA, they can dial 211 and be given information on finding assistance for housing, food, etc.
@zg49 My DH doesn't come with me to my appointments either unless it's one of the big ones like an ultrasound or something. How boring for him otherwise, I don't want to go to half my appointments because they're boring! I only go so I can hear the heartbeat, but it's not worth him taking 2 hours from work to get to and from the appointment and then the additional time in the waiting room and then the actual appointment. I prefer the gets the paycheck for that time instead!
@zg49@runsomewhere My DH also doesn't come to most of the OB appts (even though his work schedule allows it). He comes to the ultrasounds and he came to the second OB appt (where they ask family history on both sides). But otherwise its usually just pee in this cup, maybe draw some blood, take your weight and bp, and how you feelin. He did come to the last one, but that's bc it was at 6:30p and we were going to dinner afterward lol. Two months ago my endocrinologist asked if my DH was there with me (he goes to her too so she knows him) and I was like.. no, why would he come to this? It was odd.
@runsomewhere I liked that fork story! OK, so it is sometimes initially funny when kids do it. And I'm sure I'll slip up from time to time; nobody's perfect. I definitely wouldn't encourage it, though.
@lindsayleigh1989 I also wish that the BMBs were more restricted. I definitely hesitate posting pictures because anyone in the world has read access and that creeps me out.
@zg49 my DH doesn't come to my appointments. He went to the first dating one, the NT scan, my amnio and will come to the anatomy scan. His job is super demanding so he can't miss time regularly and it makes no sense for him to travel from San Francisco, miss a ton of work for a standard checkup/pee in a cut/BP/HR appointment.
DH wants to come to all of them, boring or not, haha. So it's his choice but there was one he couldn't make. He starts working at 10 and most appointments have been at 8:30am or over lunch so he hasn't needed time off. His work is super supportive though, so thankfully it would not be a big deal if he ever got in late. I agree some are just super quick and boring especially if you're not high risk.
@4deep lol i'm guilty but mine only go in jy fitness accountability group to show it got done lol there isn't anything cute about me after I work out lol
@4deep lol I LOVE gym selfies! I don't really post them but I love when others do. I think it's so positive and motivating, plus imo people look hot with that fit, gym glow.
Perhaps another big UO. I’ve let both of my kids cry-it-out.
I know when their cry is hysterical and wouldn’t have ever let it get that far without checking on them, but they’ve both been fabulous sleepers so I don’t regret it one bit.
@zg49 DH went to all my appointments with DS but hasn’t gone to any this time around. I’m not high risk this time and his schedule is more restricting this time. He checking to see if he can make it to the one in March. When it comes to doc appointments for DS it’s always me during the week or he’ll go with if we get lucky with a Saturday appointment. Recently asked him to call them because DS had hives. I was too busy with meetings. He did just fine talking and texting the doctor.
@hillbillywife I did cry it.out for mine too...although I read in the other room until he stopped and I gave him 30 min if he became hysterical I went back in, lol. He's a pretty good sleeper too so no regrets from me!
Re: UO Thursday
For our family, I can honestly tell my children that they shouldn't hit each other because we don't hit them. We use one warning, timeouts, losing privileges/items, and redirection. In addition, we don't do much yelling. My husband hollers every time my son bites him because it hurts and he can draw blood, but that's about it. I never raise my voice because I grew up with it, and I don't like the feeling of losing control. Basically, we try as much as possible to model the behaviors we desire, and hide the ones we don't.
But we're human, and as much as we try we still end up swearing in front of the kids although we don't think it's cute for little kids to swear. My DD said dammit yesterday morning while playing a game with me and at the time I chose to pass on it. Dammit is something I say a lot--oops! It was the first time I've heard her curse, so I'm still thinking of the best way to teach her not to use the "adult words".
ETA: And the spankings I received were never with a belt or done particularly hard. Putting me in the corner or "time out" didn't work, because I would literally try to walk out of the corner and would just walk away from "time out." My mom ended up controlling my behavior well enough by taking away something that I really liked (can't go to a friend's house, can't play with favorite toy for a week, no TV for a week, etc.)
Re spanking: I was spanked as a child. Always for misbehaving. I didn't grow up that my parents spanked me or resent them for this. I learned to listen to what they told me and to respect their authority. Will I spank my child if he/she misbehaves, maybe. However, I am not going to judge someone else's choices on how to discipline their kid(s). I also got soap put in my mouth for talking back. My issue is with people spanking someone else's kid (whether you are aunt, uncle, cousin, grandma, grandpa, babysitter, friend). You have no right to discipline someone else's child this way.
Re kids cursing: I have a potty mouth and have had to catch myself mid curse in front of my nieces and nephews. If I start to say "Sh!t", I switch it to "shiitake". DH is worse. We have to work on it...
ETA: tb ate some of my words and fixed grammer.
Re: spanking, I don't like hitting to discipline either but I definitely got a few light spanks as a child and I don't feel like I was abused, it wasn't one of those "get belly down on the bed I'll spank you", mostly a light spank while I was being a jerk( I say this lovingly) and laughing and running away after doing something wrong.
It actually makes me uncomfortable when I see grandparents discipline (or yell at) their grandchildren...in front of the silent parents of said child. I'm like, who's the parent here? I would be livid if one of our parents or siblings disciplined my kids UNLESS it was for an immediate safety issue.
If there is one thing being a mother of 3 boys (going on 4) has taught me, it's that every child is different. Parenting is a learning curve and it's always changing. Spanking isn't mean. It's also not going to work on every child. My second born taught me that. Spanking should always be controlled and within reason. You should never spank a child out of anger or rage. Ever. But I absolutely do not think a spanking = violence or abuse. There's a difference. Our kids ages are 9, almost 7, and 3. The 9 and 7 year old haven't been spanked in years. None of my boys (and let me tell you they are all BOY and very physical - they love to wrestle and play fight) have never hit another person or thought it was ok to. Even at their young ages they know the difference between what a spanking/ discipline is and actual physical violence. They have also never questioned our love for them. Just my two cents.
stranger danger!
further I think the bump should limit what only lurkers can see if not deactivate their accounts. we share personal information and I don't love that random people just come check it out for funsies without participating
edited bump at my post
Ultimately it's up to the parents to do their best and I think most sane rational parents out there can tell what is effective and what isn't, and what is inflicting pain or trauma to their kids or isn't.
My UO for the day - my husband doesn't come with me to my dr's appointments for the baby, or with me to the kids appointments. Might be normal for others too but I've had some personal comments made that make it sound like I'm suffering and DH is mean for not going with but they're kinda boring....
@zg49 my DH doesn't come to my appointments. He went to the first dating one, the NT scan, my amnio and will come to the anatomy scan. His job is super demanding so he can't miss time regularly and it makes no sense for him to travel from San Francisco, miss a ton of work for a standard checkup/pee in a cut/BP/HR appointment.
half my friends do it, I still love them. But I still eye roll every time.
I’m talking about on your regular public account, constantly. I just don’t get it. Even one of my best friends does it. Pretty much everyday.
https://www.facebook.com/lovewhatreallymatters/videos/1671180629570995/
I know when their cry is hysterical and wouldn’t have ever let it get that far without checking on them, but they’ve both been fabulous sleepers so I don’t regret it one bit.