@sarabeth5678 I don't think you're overthinking it. Sorry about the pushback you're getting from your MIL. I'd definitely be curious as to what her reactions to vaccines in the past have been. When I got my TDAP this year they said it could cause a low grade fever and a sore arm for a day--seems a small price to pay to ensure the welfare of a tiny newborn.
Personally I'm gonna make sure all visitors, local and distant/short term and long term/friends and family get the flu shot this year and TDAP within last 5 years if they are planning to get up close with ours in the first 6 months. Is there a reason why you're not asking the other friends and visitors to get the vaccine? Is it because you're expecting them to be more brief visits, or...? I'm definitely on the more paranoid side but flu season this year has scared the shit out of me. We're not making exceptions for some visitors over others... consistency is important, I think, especially if you're dealing with tender discussions with ILs. If she gets the shot and then finds out you didn't require someone else to get it, you're gonna have a pretty annoying conflict on your hands.
We're literally making anyone who visits on a plane change clothes, bag plane clothes, shower and change when they get here before touching babies, plus making them wear surgical masks when handing babies until the possible incubation time between the airport and present has passed (plus they're all getting the TDAP and flu shot). MH and I are aware this seems extreme, but we're just really paranoid, and honestly no one has given us any push back about it at all because no one wants to make a newborn sick since the potential consequences of that could be very serious.
Unless her reaction to vaccines is bad enough that her doctor would recommend against it, pardon me but sore arm and feeling a bit cruddy for a day or two versus dead baby. Hmm. It's pretty dang easy. Boo-hoo. My sister who has lupus is consulting with her doctor about getting it for crying out loud. And if she couldn't and I asked her to wear a mask, she would. No whining, no moaning about how I want to keep my baby alive...because she wants to keep this kid alive, too. And, when my friends were having babies, I went and got the TDAP just over a year ago, knowing full well I'd need to get it again sometime soon after when I was pregnant, without prompting because I want to protect their babies. I just don't see why this is a difficult thing for people. It's so freaking easy to protect a baby from a preventable and possibly deadly condition and it's usually covered by insurance. Why the heck not make a stop while you're grocery shopping and do it?
As far as recommendations for who gets it, I have to admit I didn't fully listen because most people in our immediate orbit have fresh TDAPs for other babies but my doctor did say definitely anyone who is staying at your house. Then, really anyone who will be around much and wants to hold the baby. If it's someone who we'll see once in the two months (plus two weeks after the vaccine for the immune system to get up to par), I'm not going to get on them about it. But if it's a MIL who wants to see the kid very often at all, yeah. No shot, no holding the baby.
Regarding the "all you care about is your baby" bit, the charitable side of me thinks maybe she's just feeling jealous/out of place/working through her feelings about the life change of this baby. And you might strategize with that in mind. But the pessimist part says she's just being manipulative and maybe she's jealous of this baby taking priority in her son's life. She should get used to it. In any case, this isn't like something that's teaching your kid a bad habit or putting them in hideous clothes and you can just go with the flow and fix it later. This is one of the battles to pick. Good luck. Luckily mine got the TDAP on accident somehow (something about how they gave it to her but then she realized she didn't need it when really I think she did need it...) so we don't have to argue about it.
Me: 34 DH: 38 Married: June 2011 TTC since Feb 2016 BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
We're literally making anyone who visits on a plane change clothes, bag plane clothes, shower and change when they get here before touching babies,
This does sound extreme, but you’re totally my hero for requiring this. After getting sick when my MIL flew to see us, I emailed my FIL the day before he came a couple of weeks ago and begged him to wash his hands and use hand sanitizer while traveling as if he were a paranoid germaphobe. He obliged thankfully, but since he flew in for one night, he didn’t bring a change of clothes and used the same handkerchief for two days and repocketed it. It killed me.
Re TDAP - I required everyone visiting the baby before 3 months to have it vaccine. My SIL lived in England at the time and they actually don’t require the vaccine in the same way we do in the US, so you can’t just walk into a drug store there and get it. But bless her, as soon as she landed in the US to visit her mom/before flying out to see us, she went and got it. As for my local friends that we had around the baby, it’s hard to ask if everyone has been vaccinated, but most of our friends have small kids, and the vaccine is required for military. I figured they were probably covered enough between these two things not to be too paranoid. I actually don’t know if we have any anti-vaxx friends, but I guess you never know. We kept hand sanitizer littered around the house and asked guests and their kids to use it.
Ever since having DS, we also do not tell anyone except whoever is watching the kids, when we are headed to the hospital. With DS a family friend (who also happens to be my high school ex boyfriend’s Mom) was waiting in the waiting room. I was so, so upset and worked up about it and never wanted any surprise visitors again, because of all people that was probably the worst one that could’ve shown up IMO. DH didn’t care because she is also a friend of his, but it was just awkward for me and I only wanted close family there AFTER we bonded with baby for awhile.
This go around we are asking that no one except our kids and grandparents visit due to sick season being so intense in our area— and by that point, visiting may be off limits anyway as directed by the hospital.
Thank you so much for your input. I typically like to keep the peace and avoid these situations, but that goes out the window when you have a baby. I'm so glad to hear that some of you are being pretty strict about the TDAP and visits within the first 2 months, and I totally get the consistency bit. Better to ask everyone, and I didn't even think about the flu shot. I'm in LA and it's a serious epidemic in our hospitals, so I think most of our friends will get it. Sending out an email to our circle today.
In regards to my MIL, it's such a challenge because I can't tell if I'm misunderstanding her or if she is truly that manipulative and selfish. Unfortunately, she has a track record for the latter, and I think this may be the case even this time which is heartbreaking since she is my closest family out here. At least my husband is equally concerned about this and 100% behind me.
@vflux33 You are my hero too. We aren't having anyone fly in but I am SO TEMPTED to make anyone who didn't get the flu shot (my dad,MIL,) wear masks when holding the baby if the flu is still this bad in March.
Me: 36 DH: 37 Married: 5.27.16 Baby Boy Due: 3.18.18
@sarabeth5678 If YH is backing you, I’d give him all the info and have him talk with MIL outside of your presence. Arm him with information, cite what other ppl are doing, cite the American Academy of Pediatrics, etc, give him all the tools he needs and then have him deal with her when you’re not in the room so that you can’t get blamed
You guys are all such great advocates for your kids.
I am just a crusty bitch by now and don't let anyone watch my kids except for the nanny or a drop in daycare that I pay. It didn't start out like that, but as the years have rolled by and people have tested my boundaries as a parent I have just found it less appealing to have family watch them. I wish it wasn't like that, but the stress of trying to advocate for my kids against family became too much. So now I don't ask.
No one will hold my baby without a flu shot or vaccine this year. The flu is horrible! I also posted an article on my Facebook earlier this week about people respecting my decision to not have visitors after the baby is born. Of course some got butt hurt and some thought they'd be the exception to coming and seeing us in the hospital. Umm no. No one gets special treatment. My parents ONLY. Because I know they've been vaccinated and had their flu shots this year. Everyone else can wait. No need to risk that, especially as a FTM.. I'm being paranoid but I'm allowed. If you spent all that time and effort laboring and giving birth, you have the right to tell people NO!
My hospital just put visitor restrictions in place because of how bad the flu is this year! I'm sure they'll still be in effect in a month when I deliver since flu season hasn't even peaked yet. Kind of excited that they did it and now I won't have to be the bad guy and tell people they can't come. Their policy for the labor & delivery floor is 2 visitors in the room at a time, and they're limited to only healthy parents, grandparents and siblings under 18. And honestly... my husband, parents/in laws and my toddler are the only ones I really care about being there anyway, everyone else can wait til we get home.
@muggle621 - yes, it's hard with thinking about family but as I see it, they'll see her eventually! I just want to make sure LO is protected first. I have even sent out a group text asking all of my sibilings and their SO if they have gotten their flu shots. This mama is not playing around. Too many people have been taken out one by one at work this week, too. STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!
ashleyf911 outlined. So that is a relief. But I've been really on my mom and MIL because they are the ones who will be staying with us to help (at different times). I am concerned about MIL because she's coming from another country and they don't always have the same vaccines available, but we are working on it. I'm flat out nagging DH on this one. hahaha I guess I have to start working on friends who may want to come by to meet baby.
I doubt we'll have visitors after the baby. We don't live near any family and we don't have close friends. I can think of maybe one or two people who will want to come and I'm fine with letting them visit for a little while after we've been home for a while (as long as they're healthy).
We don’t live near any family, so we never had an issue with DD1 and hospital visitors. My mom was here, but that’s it. And thank goodness, because after working all day, having my water break at 4pm, then laboring and finally giving birth at 5am the next day, I was exhausted. If I then had to have guests coming through that day as I’m trying to learn to breastfeed, trying to sneak in a nap, and watching globs of tissue come out in the toilet every time I went to the bathroom, I probably would have had a full on panic attack. Oh and let’s not forget my lovely pee pack I had to wheel around thanks to a catheter. Nobody needed to see me like that.
Edit: And totally off topic. But for you FTMs - the moment you’re in the bathroom after birth and you have your husband pulling up your mesh panties with a perfectly built padsicle, you will know it is full, unconditional love. How that man still finds me attractive after everything he saw in those few days, I have no idea.
Edit: And totally off topic. But for you FTMs - the moment you’re in the bathroom after birth and you have your husband pulling up your mesh panties with a perfectly built padsicle, you will know it is full, unconditional love. How that man still finds me attractive after everything he saw in those few days, I have no idea.
THIS!!! I haven't had that moment yet, FTM, but there are other things my DH has done that I don't think I could ever do.. that's for sure. God bless amazing husbands
Edit: And totally off topic. But for you FTMs - the moment you’re in the bathroom after birth and you have your husband pulling up your mesh panties with a perfectly built padsicle, you will know it is full, unconditional love. How that man still finds me attractive after everything he saw in those few days, I have no idea.
100% this. DH checked my bleeding in between the 15 minute intervals that the nurse wasn’t doing it after my cs. He was scared to death because I was bleeding a ton and called the nurse when a big clot came out lol. Then he helped with my binder, pads, pulled my underwear up, put my socks and shoes on and I’m sure other things I don’t even remember. This was before we got married and he still went though making it legal, that’s true love for sure
@missnc77 FTM but thank you for putting it out there. My mom will probably be handling the PP bodily fluids, but DH will be the only one while I'm in labor. Here's hoping he has a real short memory.
So I think I have a strategy for limiting visitors in the beginning (before 2 months) and encouraging visits after baby’s had vaccinations. We’ll plan a “sip and see” for close friends and family around the 3 month mark. By then we’ll be out of flu season and can just tell everyone who asks to visit that we’re planning to have this event so everyone can meet the baby then.
Re: Too Many Visitors After Baby
Personally I'm gonna make sure all visitors, local and distant/short term and long term/friends and family get the flu shot this year and TDAP within last 5 years if they are planning to get up close with ours in the first 6 months. Is there a reason why you're not asking the other friends and visitors to get the vaccine? Is it because you're expecting them to be more brief visits, or...? I'm definitely on the more paranoid side but flu season this year has scared the shit out of me. We're not making exceptions for some visitors over others... consistency is important, I think, especially if you're dealing with tender discussions with ILs. If she gets the shot and then finds out you didn't require someone else to get it, you're gonna have a pretty annoying conflict on your hands.
We're literally making anyone who visits on a plane change clothes, bag plane clothes, shower and change when they get here before touching babies, plus making them wear surgical masks when handing babies until the possible incubation time between the airport and present has passed (plus they're all getting the TDAP and flu shot). MH and I are aware this seems extreme, but we're just really paranoid, and honestly no one has given us any push back about it at all because no one wants to make a newborn sick since the potential consequences of that could be very serious.
As far as recommendations for who gets it, I have to admit I didn't fully listen because most people in our immediate orbit have fresh TDAPs for other babies but my doctor did say definitely anyone who is staying at your house. Then, really anyone who will be around much and wants to hold the baby. If it's someone who we'll see once in the two months (plus two weeks after the vaccine for the immune system to get up to par), I'm not going to get on them about it. But if it's a MIL who wants to see the kid very often at all, yeah. No shot, no holding the baby.
Regarding the "all you care about is your baby" bit, the charitable side of me thinks maybe she's just feeling jealous/out of place/working through her feelings about the life change of this baby. And you might strategize with that in mind. But the pessimist part says she's just being manipulative and maybe she's jealous of this baby taking priority in her son's life. She should get used to it. In any case, this isn't like something that's teaching your kid a bad habit or putting them in hideous clothes and you can just go with the flow and fix it later. This is one of the battles to pick. Good luck. Luckily mine got the TDAP on accident somehow (something about how they gave it to her but then she realized she didn't need it when really I think she did need it...) so we don't have to argue about it.
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
Re TDAP - I required everyone visiting the baby before 3 months to have it vaccine. My SIL lived in England at the time and they actually don’t require the vaccine in the same way we do in the US, so you can’t just walk into a drug store there and get it. But bless her, as soon as she landed in the US to visit her mom/before flying out to see us, she went and got it. As for my local friends that we had around the baby, it’s hard to ask if everyone has been vaccinated, but most of our friends have small kids, and the vaccine is required for military. I figured they were probably covered enough between these two things not to be too paranoid. I actually don’t know if we have any anti-vaxx friends, but I guess you never know. We kept hand sanitizer littered around the house and asked guests and their kids to use it.
This go around we are asking that no one except our kids and grandparents visit due to sick season being so intense in our area— and by that point, visiting may be off limits anyway as directed by the hospital.
Thank you so much for your input. I typically like to keep the peace and avoid these situations, but that goes out the window when you have a baby. I'm so glad to hear that some of you are being pretty strict about the TDAP and visits within the first 2 months, and I totally get the consistency bit. Better to ask everyone, and I didn't even think about the flu shot. I'm in LA and it's a serious epidemic in our hospitals, so I think most of our friends will get it. Sending out an email to our circle today.
In regards to my MIL, it's such a challenge because I can't tell if I'm misunderstanding her or if she is truly that manipulative and selfish. Unfortunately, she has a track record for the latter, and I think this may be the case even this time which is heartbreaking since she is my closest family out here. At least my husband is equally concerned about this and 100% behind me.
Thank you so much! XO
Married: 5.27.16
Baby Boy Due: 3.18.18
Good luck!!
I am just a crusty bitch by now and don't let anyone watch my kids except for the nanny or a drop in daycare that I pay. It didn't start out like that, but as the years have rolled by and people have tested my boundaries as a parent I have just found it less appealing to have family watch them. I wish it wasn't like that, but the stress of trying to advocate for my kids against family became too much. So now I don't ask.
Married: 5.27.16
Baby Boy Due: 3.18.18
I guess I have to start working on friends who may want to come by to meet baby.
Edit: And totally off topic. But for you FTMs - the moment you’re in the bathroom after birth and you have your husband pulling up your mesh panties with a perfectly built padsicle, you will know it is full, unconditional love. How that man still finds me attractive after everything he saw in those few days, I have no idea.