Too Many Visitors After Baby

aimeekt

Hey all. I'm 30wks pregnant and butting heads with my husband about how to handle the barrage of visitors after baby arrives. This is our first, as well as the first grandchild for both families - so there is a lot of excitement and in turn, pressure, to see the baby immediately after it's born. The kicker is that none of our family lives nearby - and so everyone would need to stay with us in order to see the baby. Anyway - I've already arranged to have my mom here with me for the first couple of weeks because my husband is a teacher and needs to go back to work after a couple of days after the birth, but then his summer break starts and there's only about a week in between where I'd be home alone with the baby. 

This is a lot of detail but the gist of things is that my main request is that we don't have guests - any guests from either family - unless my mother or he is there to help me and he doesn't understand that. I don't want to have to deal with entertaining people or looking after them (his mother in particular is physically disabled and requires help for many things). When I try to explain this to him - he gets defensive and starts yelling about how those are my own expectations and no one expects me to do anything after the birth...except, I don't feel like that's true at all. He says I don't value his family the way I value my own (also not true) and he won't try to listen to me when I explain the unspoken pressure of a wife to 'host' anyone in her home regardless of what other responsibilities she has. I don't understand why we are fighting about this or why he feels the need to escalate things from a request for his help to my not wanting his family around? I know I'm pregnant and emotional but it's just not making sense to me. 

Anyway - it was my hope to have some quiet after the baby comes home with just me and my husband - with my mom helping us cook, clean, etc but generally staying out of the way and the stress from all of this pressure is really taking it's toll on me...and my baby. I don't know how to get him to understand and ultimately, support me however I ask. Any advice would be so helpful. 

muggle621

aimeekt said:

Hey all. I'm 30wks pregnant and butting heads with my husband about how to handle the barrage of visitors after baby arrives. This is our first, as well as the first grandchild for both families - so there is a lot of excitement and in turn, pressure, to see the baby immediately after it's born. The kicker is that none of our family lives nearby - and so everyone would need to stay with us in order to see the baby. Anyway - I've already arranged to have my mom here with me for the first couple of weeks because my husband is a teacher and needs to go back to work after a couple of days after the birth, but then his summer break starts and there's only about a week in between where I'd be home alone with the baby. 

This is a lot of detail but the gist of things is that my main request is that we don't have guests - any guests from either family - unless my mother or he is there to help me and he doesn't understand that. I don't want to have to deal with entertaining people or looking after them (his mother in particular is physically disabled and requires help for many things). When I try to explain this to him - he gets defensive and starts yelling about how those are my own expectations and no one expects me to do anything after the birth...except, I don't feel like that's true at all. He says I don't value his family the way I value my own (also not true) and he won't try to listen to me when I explain the unspoken pressure of a wife to 'host' anyone in her home regardless of what other responsibilities she has. I don't understand why we are fighting about this or why he feels the need to escalate things from a request for his help to my not wanting his family around? I know I'm pregnant and emotional but it's just not making sense to me. 

Anyway - it was my hope to have some quiet after the baby comes home with just me and my husband - with my mom helping us cook, clean, etc but generally staying out of the way and the stress from all of this pressure is really taking it's toll on me...and my baby. I don't know how to get him to understand and ultimately, support me however I ask. Any advice would be so helpful. 

Hi, welcome! Please introduce yourself on the Introductions thread and get to know the community. Also please read the thread entitled READ THIS FIRST - Board Organization. It explains the guidelines of this forum, which include not posting one off dear diary posts. We give and receive support equally in this community. I hope you join us! 

*edited to include quote

muggle621

I forgot to add to my post above -- @aimeekt if you enter "visitors after baby" in the search box tons of threads come up where this has been discussed. I bet you will find lots of helpful advice there. 
If it were me I would tell my husband y'all need to limit visitors until after he's been vaccinated. It's an awful flu season anyway and I"m sure you don't want to risk exposure. I bet your pediatrician will back you up since these ppl would have to stay at your house and that could put baby at risk. 

[Deleted User]

Are you planning to breast feed?  Ask your husband if he wants all his male family members to see your boobs out.  When you are first learning you won't be able to use covers so anyone that's around you will get a full view.

Additionally, you may be bleeding excessively out of your vagina and dealing with really intense mood swings.  Having a million people around your house won't help make you feel better during a time you will need a ton of rest and relaxation.

If you want to throw in from the baby perspective, it will still be flu season and this one is a bad one.  Having a tons of people handing the baby (who will have zero immune system) from person to person is probably not a smart choice.

Personally, I am allowing my mom to stay at my house and that is it.  H's parents will be staying at a hotel.  Not only do I not want his parents checking out my boobs, but I also don't want to feel the pressure of wanting the house to be spotless for them.

megpeg

Our families all lived 8-10hours away when we had DS. They decided on schedules and talked to each other so we weren't having everyone in our small apartment at once.  My parents were there when he was born, his dad came the next week, and his mom the next. I had made some freezer meals knowing this would happen but nobody expected a lot of me and would bring food with them or go get groceries. DH was in school so he wasn't there most of the time 
They know what you are going through and won't expect a lot. They would offer to watch him if I wanted to nap which was awesome.
  Your only hitch is your MIL but if your mom is there would she mind helping with what she may need? you do seem to be a little one sided on the family thing and I understand but see what your DH is saying too. It's not fair to his family to not see the baby. 
  Would they have to stay in your home? Only one out of three of the groups of people I had stayed in my house. They knew we needed space getting used to things. 
  And just adding this(not trying to be a jerk but you should read the rules)- it would be great to find the category that your post should go in like this could go in the Random post for this week. 

stlbuckeye132

@antoto how were you able to swing your mom staying with you but your ILs staying at a hotel? That's what I'd love to happen with our situation, but I don't want to offend anyone. 

[Deleted User]

@stlbuckeye132 Um I think it's because I just give no fucks.  I told H "tell your parents they will need to get a hotel" and that was the end of that.  Though it does certainly help that now with the nursery and my H's office we only have one guest room left.  So that's got my mom's name on it and there's no more room.

ShawnnaO

@stlbuckeye132 yes to what @antoto said. I will ALWAYS tell inlaws they stay at a hotel. My parents clean up after themselves, pay for groceries, and are overall dream guests. My in laws are not. So they can trash a hotel. 

fatstagnation

This is something DH and I are still working on as well. We've agreed that my mom will come within in days of LO's arrival. DH is also a teacher and will be back to work. But mom I can be blunt with, so I'm comfortable with her being there.
MIL on the other hand...We've agreed she'll come somewhat "later," but haven't specified exactly when. I'm anxious about her being here bc she has a history of "not understanding me" even when I'm speaking Italian to her. Which tells me she just ignores me at her convenience. She will be staying in our guest room, and I don't want to have to throw a fit to be listened to. I've made it clear to DH that she is there to help. Not to hold the baby while I cook for her and host. But I thought I made that clear last time...

I think the key is to rigidly maintain boundaries. If everyone is sitting there waiting to be fed lunch (as happened last visit for example), they can continue to sit there while I feed only myself. I don't know. Maybe I'll read up on boundaries. hahaha

stlbuckeye132

@antoto @ShawnnaO yeah I need to just suck it up and broach this subject with MH. He knows his parents are difficult, so hopefully he'll see where I'm coming from. It would be different if I knew they'd be helpful around the house, pick up after themselves, give me space, etc.... but that's just not them. ha

kiki75

If you're having people stay in your home in the first couple months, make the TDAP a nonnegotiable part of that. For one thing, it can help solve some of the other problems. Plus, y'know whooping cough. Check with your doctor but I've read that 10 years is fine for the tetanus part and for people who are trying to protect themselves from whooping cough but it's 5 years if you're trying to protect a baby. 

People who are coming to stay need to be clear on the fact that this is Calvin Ball. There are zero guarantees. I even told my own mom who is awesome (and the kind that will be super helpful and do all sorts of stuff for us instead of expecting to be catered to) that I make no guarantees on the state of my house or my 'tude and how I'll react. My sister invited all of us to stay at her house when she had her first. H and I declined and got a hotel (because frankly, in my mind, unless you're the mom of the new mom, it's the right thing to do). In the end, I think my sister would have loved to have us in her house, dog and all. Other times, you think it'll be fine and you have a difficult delivery and are emotionally fried and need everyone to piss off. 

I'd just make it clear from go (since a calm preemptive conversation can save you from finally losing your shit and yelling at people) that you are not going to be available to cater to anyone except for yourself and that baby. Everyone else should look at it like they're staying in a hostel. Make your bed. Make your food. Be self sufficient. 

As for OP, try a different tactic "I'm worried about your mom. Even if I deliver vaginally, I physically will not be able to 'do' for her. We need someone available who can. Do you know who can do that?" It's the kind of nicey way of approaching it with a concern for her and dumping it in his lap. Plus, remind him that vaginal is not guaranteed and show him info on how a c-section is done and what recovery entails. 

chasingroygbiv

Well... I’m going to sound like a big meanie, but I’ve already made it clear unless you are Grandma (no living grandpas) or baby’s Godmother (Godfather undecided) by simply saying— we are not having visitors, at least until Flu season passes. Period. I am already worried enough about what the kids will bring home from school. I also don’t like working through the first days of nursing with company and I don’t want to feel like I have to entertain anyone. I’m a grouch.

DH, fortunately, is in 100% agreement, though. 

Edited: no living GRANDPAS... oops

crossfitbabybump

@antoto - can you come tell my IL that for me? I've tried and we don't even have a guest room anymore! It's now the nursery. But they INSIST that if they're coming 13 hours West, they will stay with us. But umm.. no. It's MY house. There's a perfectly good hotel 15 mins down the highway. I even mentioned the whole "boob out" thing. I think I will just have to be more serious and stern and try the conversation again.

[Deleted User]

@crossfitbabybump Just repeatedly ask "So which hotel are you looking at?" until they break.

fatstagnation

@crossfitbabybump send them photos of sleeping bags on your living room/kitchen floor and say "Your room's ready for you!"

Ok, I'm in a mean mood, apparently. :P

stardustskies

I'm so sorry this is a thing you ladies have to deal with. I am so fortunate to have my mom only 30 minutes away, my dad & step mom 5 minutes away, and dh's family content to see the baby whenever I feel like letting them.

If I were in your situation, I would probably compromise by asking if the in-laws could wait a couple weeks after the birth and stay in a hotel. It's really not an unreasonable thing to ask. 

ShawnnaO

@crossfitbabybump @antoto or just lock the door when they show up until they can show they have room keys for a hotel. People who overstep boundaries are the actual worst and I have zero patience for that kind of BS 

crossfitbabybump

I freakin' love you guys! lol

bravoandprosecco

My MIL is a flight away, unhelpful and we don't have a guestroom anymore so hubby and I agree she can't stay here but we are dreading the convo. I'm sooooo happy to see so many of you being on the get a hotel train, makes me feel much better and like I'm not being crazy!!! Now we just have to tell her.....

enigmaticjj

I'm loving all the hotel talk. I completely agree they need to find a hotel, or wait a couple months or so for you to feel more settled/comfortable. However, if you don't even have a guest room for them, then regardless of when, they need to find a hotel. It's just so inconsiderate if they are insisting on staying over at a new parents home. To me that just indicates they likely won't be helpful visitors.

If spouse isn't on board, he needs to understand what others have said. You're going to be the one bleeding more than normal from your vagina. You're going to be the one with crazy hormones. You're going to be the primary/only provider for the baby (while he's working) and still figuring things out. And if you're breastfeeding, you're going to be in the middle of figuring that out, and that can be very stressful (let alone if you'd prefer to not have an audience 24/7). Plus, the flu is no joke, you don't want to unnecessarily subject your newborn to a bunch of peoples germs when they are still so young (of course it's a matter of time to get a cold, but doesn't need to be at 2 weeks old!). You're also the one with the larger chance of postpartum depression (fathers can get it as well, just not as common). Basically, your needs trump his as far as I'm concerned. It's not like you're saying no one can see the kid till they're 6 months old. You're just saying you need to have other support (your mom or spouse) there as well. I totally understand rather having your mom stay with you, as she's the one (for many people) who has already seen you not at your best (to say the least). My in-laws are very nice, but I wouldn't be at ease as much with them as I would with my mom (she passed away several years ago before children were even in my thoughts/future).

With my first, during the first month it was very stressful as we dealt with navigating breast feeding and getting our baby to get back to her birth weight. Then I was trying to figure out pumping since I knew I had to go back to work after a few months. And that was it's own very stressful struggle. Both of those issues involved some visits to the lactation consultant and lots of tears. We didn't have much at all for visitors, except the in-laws and a few friends, but they were all in the area and visits were short, so very manageable. Only out of state visitors were my brother and his kids, and they stayed at a hotel and kept their visits short. I felt bad bringing up the topic of a hotel, but when I did it sounds like he was already planning for it and he totally understood.

vflux33

This has been a subject of much debate among MH and I recently as well. We no longer have a guest room as that is now a twin nursery. We used to have a queen bed in there and people got used to staying with us especially since hotels are very expensive here (sorry, family, this is where we live and we're not moving now). My mom is staying with us for 2 months and offered to do night stuff for me. So we bought a twin bed just for her and put it in the baby room. Once babies are sleep trained, the bed goes in this sort of second living space area we have next to a desk and a bunch of workout equipment and the glider we bought goes where the bed used to be. No family lives near us. My mom is the only guaranteed guest, period. My sister, SM, and dad all agreed they are fine in a hotel because they are sane. My FIL has health issues and can't get on a plane. I'm not allowed to be honest with my SIL and MIL because they are too goddamn sensitive (which means we have an awesome relationship--and by awesome I mean completely grating), so this is the tricky part for us. We agreed SIL doesn't get to sleep here, period. I haven't spoken to her other than by text for over 2 years (we're not in a fight we just don't have much of a relationship)--she didn't even call me to congratulate us even though she is one of those loves baby fanatical types. My MIL guilt trips the fuck out of her kids, "woe is me" type, annoys the shit out of me, and I'm not allowed to tell her to shut up. I do not want her staying with us. Especially when my mom is here. For one thing that is 6 people to 1 working bathroom. Um, no. Also she'd be on an air mattress next to a desk in a room without a door, which you'd think would be enough of a disincentive but whatever. We just don't have the kind of relationship where I can be real with her because MH is so worried my blunt personality (part of why we're married because he likes it) will make her sad (cry me a river).

Maybe this will be helpful to others and if not sorry for the rant, but here is the conclusion we came to for MIL: I will not preemptively block her from staying here. Maybe things will go smoothly (ha! I say in my head). Maybe breastfeeding will be a breeze (not likely with 2, I think). Maybe we will have an easy birth of 2 healthy babies and recovery will be totally cool (oh God I hope so but my MFM may disagree), maybe I won't have PPD or PPA (despite my 4-5 risk factors), maybe I won't be pulling my hair out thinking I'm terrible at everything and wanting to scream constantly (despite being a FTM). Maybe, maybe, maybe. And if all those things go super well, H, your mom can crash here. But you, H, need to defer to me, and be flexible with me. If I'm having a hard time for any reason, I get veto power, and you have to respect that and tell her no.

He has agreed to my terms. It was the preemptive-ness that sat wrong with him. He doesn't know how hard it's going to be. He hasn't had a kid before. He isn't on this forum like I am talking to STMs every day. I am 99.99999% sure, when he sees what condition I'm in, what he's in, what the kids are in-- when the time comes, he's not going to force me into anything. He may not even want her here himself. He just doesn't want to rule it out before we know what it's really like. Thus, I have built myself an out and avoided an argument.

mdfarmchick

@vflux33 I love you. No really. This was a beautiful thing to read this morning. 

So after all all of these comments about getting a hotel and how it’s different when it’s your mom v your ILs, I casually mentioned to MH last night that maybe his parents should get a hotel. He didn’t dismiss me outright and said I had a point about them not helping around the house or even picking up after themselves. So we will see where this goes. I know MIL will be super offended if she’s asked to stay in a hotel—but she doesn’t even watch or pay attention to the toddler if we ask her too. And his dad was completely awful the last time they visited too—just who uses an impact driver in a living room next to a sleeping newborn? ((It took me 45 minutes to get him to sleep and the impact driver woke him up crying 10 minutes into his “nap” and FIL says I have rage issues... Not that I’m still bitter about this two and a half years later...))

vflux33

@mdfarmchick Good for you! Sometimes planting seeds is the best way to help people realize themselves when something's not a good idea 

ShawnnaO

@vflux33 do we have the same mother in law? Seriously, we have zero relationship with her because of the guilt tripping woe is me attitude. 

PSA your kids will resent the hell out of you if you do that to them. 

vflux33

@ShawnnaO Yes! MH has already had a “talk” with her about not being allowed to act that way around our kids. FFSC? I’m sort of looking forward to the day she screws that up in front of him and he pulls her card on it.

missnc77

Oh heck no to all of this. I think I spent the first two months with my boobs hanging out, and there’s no way I’d want my husband’s family around for my mental breakdown from post partum hormones and breastfeeding. My mom was here, but it’s my mom. And I really love my ILs, but still, I don’t feel right about being short and bossy with them, which I can be with my mom if I’m sleep deprived and a hormonal mess. There were even times where I was walking around doing laundry, and my husband was like, “You know your boob is hanging out right now?” Me: “Oh? Oh wow. You’re right. I didn’t even realize.” My MIL and SIL didn’t visit until after 2 months, and I had to say I’m sorry, but here are my boobs. You’ll be seeing a lot of them. They visited during a brutal growth spurt. I feel so bad for any of you that have to deal with ILs immediately after having a baby. Fortunately, my husband understands, and so do my ILs. It’s just so hard in the beginning. 

BrittnieMariee

When I had my first I was completely overwhelmed with visitors for the first week and it was awful. This time I’ve made it clear that no one is coming to visit us in the hospital (except for my mom because she’s bringing DS) and then visitations when we get home will be short. I’m determined to focus on myself and DD and bonding. Literally everyone else can kiss my ass. My ILs live next door to us and my mom is about 15 minutes away. So we see them all the time anyway. But extended family will have to wait. Especially since this flu season is so bad!

lexigirl1228

Your requests seem completely reasonable to me. Your pregnancy hormones are not at fault; your husband is the one with the unpopular opinion, as most new parents want to be let be from what I've seen. I figure it's also a part of instincts to want to protect your young and keep others away while they are new. I personally do not want visitors for the first at least week, and my fiancé? If he had it his way would never let our kids meet anyone (he is a very private person and is not particularly close with his family). He dislikes my mom greatly (and vise versa), but he respects the fact that she is dependable and she is someone else I can have for support because he works two jobs so if I need her to come over to help protect my sanity, he'd rather have someone he dislikes in his home than see me mentally break down from doing this alone. You shouldn't do it alone if you don't have to, and of course you'd prefer your mother there to help over anyone else, so yeah, mom should have a special pass. But your husband needs to understand that is for YOUR benefit; not for her. She's not coming to visit and just gawk at the baby like "awww", she will be there to help you keep yourself together while you get into the flow of being a mother while also helping you with chores and cooking, as the woman's mother TYPICALLY does.

We already made it clear we want space after the babies are born, as these are our first children and we will need to adjust and so will my boys. We gave other excuses as well that are valid but not as important to us: We also want space for bonding, and additionally to protect them before their immune systems really kick in. Also, like you said, having to entertain guests while learning how to be a parent just sounds like a nightmare. Us girls are going to look like crap, will have leaky boobs, and will be sleep deprived, not to mention bleeding profusely from our lady bits and possibly healing from surgery/complications. Especially if your guests would have to physically stay with you, which I couldn't imagine. My fiancé wouldn't even let that happen he'd tell his family and my family to both find hotel rooms if visiting is so important to them. I think it is rude to expect a brand new parent to host people at their house like it is a bed and breakfast and everyone who wants to visit needs to make other arrangements, even if you DID want guests. The guests themselves should know better.

I digress though; your husband seems very stubborn and unwilling to understand where you are coming from, which I'm not saying he's a bad guy. I'm saying a lot of men I notice get this attitude when they are about to become fathers. My fiancé is the same way, just about different things. At the end of the day if you don't want anyone in your house, you shouldn't have them there. It's your place away from the world.

I do not know what your options are or what your husband is willing to work with, but we are thinking about not even telling anyone I am in labor. Just announcing they are here after they are born (like a week later) and saying I had a really tough labor so calling everyone on the phone wasn't a priority for us when I was in the hospital. That's something that won't hurt anyone's feelings and that people can understand. Sorry for the wall of text; I always have a lot to say. I hope you and your husband come to a conclusion you both will be happy with!

amylonghorn

@mdfarmchick anyone tells me I have "rage issues" in my own home?! GTFO. Now. 

fatstagnation

@mdfarmchick "rage issues" sounds like mansplaining code for dismissing female feelings and logic. You had an actual *reason* for being angry. F him. 

I'm more worried about other friends coming to visit, now that several of my friends have admitted they don't believe in the flu shot - right after talking about a mutual friend who was in the ICU with complications from the flu. Seriously? 

stardustskies

@fatstagnation I credit the flu shot for saving my ass a couple weeks ago when DH came down with it and I didn't even get a sniffle. 

slr1229

DH definitely needs to support you with anything you’re requesting.  This is the second time around for us and he knows whatever I say goes.  I had an episiotomy with DD and expecting it again and told him his parents shouldn’t come until 3-4 weeks after and that gives our first kiddo time together with us 4 before tons of people come.  It’s already a big life change.  Yay in laws.

enigmaticjj

@lexigirl1228, with my first we were thinking of not telling everyone right away when labor started (I didn't want my husband needing (or feeling the need) to give anyone updates during it, not because we were worried people were going to camp out at the hospital). But I ended up having to schedule an induction, so we decided to let family know since my brother is out of state, so that let him book a hotel early. But we made it clear we weren't going to give updates until after baby was here (again, didn't want my husband distracted by giving people updates, I wanted his full attention). So it was a, 'no news is good news' sort of thing. But of course later on I heard (second hand) some people didn't like that we waited until the next morning to notify of the birth (I ended up with an emergency c-section late at night and was so incredibly tired/sleepy and wanted to be fully cognoscente when we began telling people). Good thing no one complained to my face or they would have gotten an ear full from me.

paigew123

Some of these comments are making me so glad my parents and IL live within a mile radius of us
my siblings live out of state- one is an hour drive so they'll come for a short visit after baby's home, other is scheduled to visit my parents around that time regardless, so they'll get to see baby when they come. 
Were moving into my moms house since my apartment is too small to have anyone stay over, and we'll need help with 2.5 yo ds. 
We did not tell anyone last time we went in for an induction- best decision of my life. 
Neither did we tell anyone throughout the 16 hours of labor. We actually made sure to be in touch with our parents letting them know everything was ok and nothing was doing yet. 
Last thing I needed was frantic parents bothering every few mins. 
This time we plan on telling my mom since we'll need her to watch ds.

kiki75

@enigmaticjj To be fair, I feel like if you tell someone you're in labor, it's kindest to give them updates and to notify them when baby is here and everyone is okay. Some people are blissfully ignorant and don't worry. (SIL's sister sat around and whined about how she might miss her hair appt while I imagined emergency c-section) I, on the other hand, do. So it's awful to go half a day without an update. Even if the official statement has been no news is good news, I'm imagining that shit hit the fan and people are too busy or distraught to update. It doesn't have to be detailed and can absolutely be worded in a way that shuts down further communication but I would have worried all night long and would have loved a, "Baby is here. Everyone is healthy & safe. Exhausted. Turning phone off. Details tomorrow after 10am."

slr1229

We didn’t tell anyone we were going to the hospital, DH called a few hours after baby arrived.  It was awesome.

mdfarmchick

I’m with @kiki75 on this one. We only told our parents we were headed to the hospital because my water broke and MH updated them while I was showering once we moved to the postpartum room. They were in charge of telling any family that they wanted to know. Everyone else got notified the next day when I had time to breathe and in between all the nurses’ visits. If I didn’t want to update anyone when the baby was born, then I wouldn’t have told them I was going to the hospital. 

enigmaticjj

Totally understand those who advocate for telling people when you go into labor. Of course though, that's a personal choice we all make.

ShawnnaO

Yeah I’m definitely on the “we don’t tell anyone we’re in labor” bandwagon. We didn’t with my daughter, although I did send my best friend a text the morning of saying “I feel like today is the day.” My parents got a call right after P was born, and beyond that we waited until the next morning to post a “she’s here!” Announcement. 

But I also second what @kiki75 said, that if you DO choose to announce you’re in labor, you need to update. That’s ultimately why we chose not to announce until everything was over. We didn’t want to send out updates, and we didn’t want to worry people. 

sarabeth5678

In light of the visitors topic, anyone getting push back about the TDAP? 

As I've mentioned in the past, my MIL is a little irrational and it's been a major cause of anxiety as it relates to raising my child, especially the immediate weeks postpartum. My husband and I both sent out our respective emails to our family members about my doctor's recommendation for a TDAP vaccine. MIL never wrote back, and last night (about a month later) she blew up at dinner telling us that she can't get vaccines because they make her feel bad and said, "All you care about is your daughter." Keep in mind, this was in Korean, so I was only getting the gist of it and got that last part during the drive home from my husband. 

So... this conversation obviously isn't over (just the first psychotic shit she's said about our child), and I want to find out if she truly does have terrible reactions to vaccines, which is understandable. What's not understandable is her method of communicating this to us and her comment suggesting that we should be more concerned about her reaction to a vaccine than our first born daughter. She's playing the victim She should be EQUALLY concerned for her well being. 

Drama aside... She wants to be with us and help with the baby. Assuming she has a legitimate bad reaction to vaccines, would you allow her around the newborn regularly. I think it's two months before the TDAP vaccine for baby... And if I'm letting in other friends for visits here and there, without demanding the TDAP, how bad is it that MIL not get it? I want to keep the peace and I will probably need her help. 

Lastly, I want two weeks to settle in with baby before visitors, but then what's the deal with local visitors coming before baby gets to the 2-month mark in vaccines?

Am I overthinking this? 

ShawnnaO

@sarabeth5678 I’m going to preface this by saying I’m really stubborn and I have 0% tolerance for people who don’t put my children first. 

Until your mother in law either A,) gets the vaccine, or B.) apologizes for the awful comment about you caring too much about your daughter, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near the baby. That’s just me. 

As far as your comment about probably needing her help, I can promise you that you will have other people to help, and even if you don’t, you’ll still manage. I wouldn’t let fear of needing help effect your decision in this situation. 

You seem like like a non confrontational person, which I strongly relate to. I’ve never had doctors that stress people who come around the baby having the TDAP vaccine. For that reason, I’ve never stressed it with family members and I’m not sure how I would handle it if I DID stress it and someone pushed back. Ultimately, there’s a difference though between occasional visitors not having the vaccine and your mother in law, someone who would be around a lot and be very hands on, not having the vaccine. I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to inform her that if she doesn’t get the vaccine, fine, but she can’t frequently be around the baby for the first two months. 

Im sorry you’re dealing with this. I know first hand how heartbreaking issues with mother in laws can be, but put yourself and your child first.