My mother is driving me crazy! — The Bump
June 2018 Moms

My mother is driving me crazy!

wibadgersfanwibadgersfan member
edited January 2018 in June 2018 Moms
I am 16 weeks pregnant and we made the mistake of telling my mother that my husband and I were expecting at 6 weeks.  She has been trying to dictate every detail of my pregnancy.  She asked when my first few dr. apts were and I didn't think it would be an issue so I told her when they were and she showed up to my visits!  She also keeps begging me for the day and time of our 20 week ultrasound because she has to know the gender of our baby.  But that isn't even the worst part.  This past weekend my husband and I were out of town celebrating Christmas with his family.  My mom was texting and messaging us the whole time asking when we were going to post on Facebook and telling us that we needed to let her know the day and time so she can be the first to comment on the post.  As my mother has been overly demanding and pushy with things I have told her that she is ruining what should be a happy time for my husband and I. 
 
While I realize she is very excited, this is our first child and will be her 4th grandchild (I'm the only daughter).  She didn't treat the others this way when they were expecting.  So going back to the Facebook post.  My husband and I have been upfront with her the whole time that we didn't want this to be on Facebook.  We weren't ready to post, and we really just don't like putting personal things on Facebook.  I've made this clear to everyone, except apparently for my mother, even though I straight up told her "I don't want to post this on FB because I don't want personal stuff on FB".  So Sunday when we got back to town, my mother started up on us again about posting.  She basically told us that if we didn't post, she was going to-I have this comment in a text.  I didn't want that information to come from her so I let her bully me into posting.  A really good friend of mine commented on our post "I'm surprised to see this on Facebook, I know that you didn't want to post it", and that started a whole fight where my mom is blaming me for everything.  She keeps saying "if you had only told me, I had no idea" etc.  I explained to her that while I am hurt, I am not mad, but reread your texts and you'll see where I said I didn't want it on Facebook. I'm at a total loss of what to say to my mother now because no matter what I say, she blows up in my face.  This has been going on for 3 days!  I know my mother is clinically depressed, and I've been trying to get her to see someone for years.  I don't know what to do anymore, and i don't want to cut her out of my life totally because she's still my mother.  Has anyone else gone through this or something like this?  If so, how did you deal with it?  What did you say?  Do you think she's just lashing out because she got caught-even though people don't know that she was the driving force behind the post?  Thanks for your help! 

Edit: Thank you everyone!  I really appreciate all the feedback!  I did put the tough love into practice and she actually apologized to me today.  I'm still guarded on this issue though.  I don't plan on telling her specifics of anything, at least for the time being.  If and once she proves that she can respect boundaries I may open up more.  But again, thank you so much.  I will be checking out the book listed below.  
Pregnancy Ticker

Re: My mother is driving me crazy!

  • I did with my first pregnancy. I ended up having to go non contact with her because she was stressing me out so incredibly badly. Sorry you’re going through this. 

    Also, check out the read me first and the introductions threads so we can get to know you better and you can get a feel for how we do things around here. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BabyFruit Ticker
    izza2
  • I am 16 weeks pregnant and we made the mistake of telling my mother that my husband and I were expecting at 6 weeks.  She has been trying to dictate every detail of my pregnancy.  She asked when my first few dr. apts were and I didn't think it would be an issue so I told her when they were and she showed up to my visits!  She also keeps begging me for the day and time of our 20 week ultrasound because she has to know the gender of our baby.  But that isn't even the worst part.  This past weekend my husband and I were out of town celebrating Christmas with his family.  My mom was texting and messaging us the whole time asking when we were going to post on Facebook and telling us that we needed to let her know the day and time so she can be the first to comment on the post.  As my mother has been overly demanding and pushy with things I have told her that she is ruining what should be a happy time for my husband and I. 
     
    While I realize she is very excited, this is our first child and will be her 4th grandchild (I'm the only daughter).  She didn't treat the others this way when they were expecting.  So going back to the Facebook post.  My husband and I have been upfront with her the whole time that we didn't want this to be on Facebook.  We weren't ready to post, and we really just don't like putting personal things on Facebook.  I've made this clear to everyone, except apparently for my mother, even though I straight up told her "I don't want to post this on FB because I don't want personal stuff on FB".  So Sunday when we got back to town, my mother started up on us again about posting.  She basically told us that if we didn't post, she was going to-I have this comment in a text.  I didn't want that information to come from her so I let her bully me into posting.  A really good friend of mine commented on our post "I'm surprised to see this on Facebook, I know that you didn't want to post it", and that started a whole fight where my mom is blaming me for everything.  She keeps saying "if you had only told me, I had no idea" etc.  I explained to her that while I am hurt, I am not mad, but reread your texts and you'll see where I said I didn't want it on Facebook. I'm at a total loss of what to say to my mother now because no matter what I say, she blows up in my face.  This has been going on for 3 days!  I know my mother is clinically depressed, and I've been trying to get her to see someone for years.  I don't know what to do anymore, and i don't want to cut her out of my life totally because she's still my mother.  Has anyone else gone through this or something like this?  If so, how did you deal with it?  What did you say?  Do you think she's just lashing out because she got caught-even though people don't know that she was the driving force behind the post?  Thanks for your help! 
    QFP


    Pregnancy Ticker
    izza2
  • Loading the player...
  • Sorry, I guess this falls under relationship advice...when I went to post in this I didn't see the introductions or read me first thread.  Thank you for letting me know 
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Austenista  stephcat421
  • @SmithMcFarlane We’ve been into things like this a little more now that most of us have gotten to know each other better. Welcome and if you’re interested in getting to know us, we please participate in some of our regular threads. This really is a fun group of ladies!

    I will say as far as mothers go, many seem to lose sight of boundaries when their daughters are pregnant. I have noticed my MIL way more involved with DH’s sister’s pregnancies than in ours. My mother as well says and asks things that are wildly out of line; I have found with her the less I tell her and the less reactive of a response I give her, she tends to back off a little. I agree with @Austenista - if you give her some clear boundaries and she continues to overstep, you may have to take a break from her completely, for your own health!


    Pregnancy Ticker
    izza2stephcat421
  • TL:DR but in general how people treat you is 100% in your hands. You need to set the boundaries and stick to them. 

    As as others have stated please feel free to join us but maybe take some time to get to know us and the culture before posting a long AW post. This community is about giving and receive support and this feels like you’re just using us. 
    *TW LC*
    Me & MH: 32
    DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
    TTC #2: 12/2019
    Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
    Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
    Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18

    doxiemoxie212izza2ramennoodlegifstephcat421
  • May14th2011May14th2011 member
    edited January 2018
    So your options are 
    A) let her continue to gaslight you and get away with it or
    B ) very bluntly tell her exactly what she's doing that you don't like and give her clear, enforceable consequences for continuing this behavior. 

    As @krashke said, how people treat you is 100% in your hands. It sucks but I have been in your situation and have for brief periods of time cut back on my mom. If you allow her to act like this, she will act like this forever.
    izza2stephcat421
  • Agree with the above posts. You can't pick your family. There needs to be consequences when boundaries are overstepped, even if that means cutting them off for a while. I'm sure if she was anyone else then you wouldn't tolerate this manipulative behaviour.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    stephcat421
  • Dr Susan Forward writes books about abusive relationships that have terribly inflammatory titles, but contain good information and practical advice. I highly recommend her book about mothers.

    You need to decide if you want a relationship at all (it’s a choice) and if you do, you have to figure out boundaries. Imagine how much worse this will get once your baby is here. Boundaries are important, even when they are hard to set or someone doesn’t respect them. 

    Good luck! 
    stephcat4212589wibadgersfan
  • LolalipsyLolalipsy member
    edited January 2018
    I think she loves you and with you being her only daughter to have a grandchild I can see why she's being a bit clingy.  I know it must be very hard on you but it doesn't seem like she's doing it from a bad place she just can't seem to contain her excitement and is crossing some boundaries.  It's probably time for a face to face conversation with her to clarify some things. I would just emphasise to her that she will always be a part of this as your mother but somethings are just for you and your husband. I'm sure she will respect that. 

    Edit: This should be a happy time you all as a family. I've seen what cutting a mother off can do and I would avoid that if you can.



    Pregnancy Ticker
    stephcat421wibadgersfan
  • I wish I had some helpful advice, but since my mom died when I was young, I may not be the most qualified.
    I will say this, though. As crazy as she is making you right now, try to put yourself in her shoes. I'm sure it's different when your only daughter has her first, than it is when a son does. She might be reliving her pregnancy experiences again, at your expense. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her directly, try writing her a letter.

    Personally, I find that writing things down is a lot easier because it gives you time to frame things exactly the way you would like. As others have said, set boundaries and let her know exactly what the consequences of overstepping them are. After that, the ball is in her court.

    You can have your husband read over it, too, if you want. When the time is right, you can give it to her in whatever way is easiest on you. If you don't think she would make a scene, maybe take her to coffee or tea and give it to her then. Maybe she's the type that would prefer to read it alone, so she can compose herself. 

    Hope everything goes well. 
    Me: 36; DH: 35
    Started Dating 2002; Married 2008

    BFP 8/1/13 - MC (Blighted Ovum) 8/19/13
    DD  7/14
    DS1 8/16
    BFP 9/7/17 - CP 9/11/17
    DS2 6/18
    stephcat421Lolalipsy
  • silvergreensilvergreen member
    edited January 2018
    While I agree with the last couple of posts, I think there are some things that I feel were overlooked, such as OP stating that her mother will blow up in her face whenever she approaches the subject. Not to mention that she threatened to publicise their news if OP didn't, which she has absolutely no right to do. That is disrespectful and abusive behaviour. While I would try the sympathetic route first (I assumed OP had with no results), then there's not much left to do except practice "tough love" if all else fails. The only other suggestion I can think of is to see if you can have some mutual family member or friend speak reason to her. Sometimes it takes an objective third party to make someone see sense.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    ramennoodlegifAustenista  May14th2011
  • @NamelessAria yes yes yes. All of this. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • @NamelessAria I agree - all of this!

    I know where you ladies are coming from. While my mother is mostly harmless, she does have a propensity to embellish or twist certain scenarios in order to gain sympathy or guilt trip others. I make it clear I'm not playing her emotionally manipulative games just so she can make me feel bad or make herself better. My sister imitates this behaviour but in more sinister fashion, and sadly we don't have the closest relationships because of the need to keep them both at an arm's length.
    BabyFruit Ticker
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards