TTCAL Week of 12/18

vlagrl29

@honeybeebub - the only thing I can think that might cause an issue is my c section scar tissue from almost 7 years ago. But then I think there are so many people out there with c sections getting pg all the time. I'm probably just searching for something. But at least they are specialist so if anyone could find something they should. Just making that appt brought up so many emotions I was crying to dh last night. Gosh this month has been more tear filled for me. I need to get out of the funk. I'm sure once DD is on break that will help my thoughts to stay focused. Need to go back to strong mind positive outlook.

[Deleted User]

@tosh24 How's your tummy feeling?  Did AF arrive?  DH has been sick too, so I am right there with you trying not to get sick before my transfer.  So excited for your next ivf!  Will you try a fresh transfer or freeze all?

tosh24

@BusinessWife So far, so good *knocks on wood*!!! Today is CD 1 - wohooo!!!!! My clinic does both so if I don't develop OHSS, I can try a fresh transfer. If they think I should freeze, then I'll do a FET my next cycle. I'm really hoping that I have embryos to freeze. My dream that I'm holding on to is a fresh transfer with 3-4 more embryos to freeze. But I know that's asking a lot so I'm trying to rein in my optimism even though I want to be hopeful. I seem to respond to meds fairly well (I overstimmed on femara and 100 IUs of Gonal F during an IUI cycle and had 10 follies over 1.4) so hopefully I will continue to respond well during this cycle and get a nice crop. I'm really worried about egg quality since both of the REs I've seen this year seem to think that's likely my issue (I have a poor diet due to 23+ food allergies....I've been on lots of supplements for the last 10 months though). So I hope I don't end up with abysmal numbers. I'm not doing PGS either (can't afford it and not sure I'm 100% comfortable with the science). 

It's almost transfer day for you, right!?!?! I'm so hoping that your 2018 starts off a whole heck of a lot better than your 2017 ended!

vlagrl29

@BusinessWife @tosh24 - GL with your IVF process.  I have fingers crossed for you.  I've had more tears lately damn it.  I hate this whole anniversary of loss thing.

pumpkinpancake

1. Introduce yourself (if new)  Not new, but back after 2nd MC at the end of November. Been taking a break from TB the last few weeks and trying to mentally get back into it. 

2. Status? Currently benched until further notice. 

3. Rants/Raves: I was able I switch my RE appt from end of January to be last week instead, so that was something to be happy about. She seemed really great and walked me through a lot of things that could be causing my recurrent miscarriages. The big thing she’s concerned about is getting my thyroid under control, since my thyroid antibodies are really high. Apparently that’s due to an autoimmune disease, so I’ll have to keep an eye on my thyroid for the rest of my life. 

She also drew labs for a whole panel of other tests, so I’ll hopefully have those results back  soon. So far we also found my vitamin d is pretty low, so she wants to start me on a prescription vitamin d supplement. @vlagrl29 I remember you had said that your naturopath found your vitamin d was low too, right? What was your level when it was checked and what amount of vitamin d did she give you to take? 

Shes also going to have me come in for a saline/water ultrasound after I get my next period so that she can check on my uterus. Anyone here had one of those done? 

Sorry for those of you having a rough time with milestones or pregnancy announcements. It’s really rough this time of year. 

4. GTKY: Holiday lights - Colored or Clear/White?  I love both! We have a tree that has lights that alternate between white and multi-color, so I love watching it go back and forth. 

vlagrl29

@pumpkinpancake mine was at 34 the low end of normal. She had me taking 8,000 ius of vit d. Had it rechecked a couple weeks ago and it went up to 55. Cut my dose down to 5,000 ius. What were your thyroid numbers? My tsh is fine but t3 is a tad low so I'm supplementing that with herbs.

pumpkinpancake

Thanks @vlagrl29!  My vitamin d was in the “deficient” range at 17.7, so she has me starting a higher dose once a week for 8 weeks. 

My thyroid functional levels were all actually in the normal range - T3 was 124 (range of 87-196), TSH was 1.45 (range of 0.4-3.98) and free T4 was 1.1 (almost high with range of 0.6-1.2). The one that is concerning is that my thyroid peroxidase antibodies were 358, with a normal range of 0-9.0. 

tosh24

@pumpkinpancake I know REs are endocrinologists, but it might be a good idea to be sent to an endocrinologist who specializes in the thyroid, rather than just reproduction, to get a concrete diagnosis (like Hashimoto's or Grave's disease) and treatment plan before TTC again. It can take years of having a thyroid AI disease for you body to attack your thyroid enough that you finally start to see it in your TSH value. I'm so sorry that you're benched for the time being, but glad you got in to see the RE sooner and hopefully found the source of your miscarriages.

I have had an SHG and it's easy peasy. A little cramping like period cramps but that's about it. My vit D was also in the "deficient" range and I was on 4000 IU for about 3 months and it came right up to middle of the road, which is where they wanted me. I'm now down to 2000 IU a day.  

vlagrl29

I want to say maybe my t3 was around 67? She thought vit d would improve my white blood cell count but it didn't. So I'm drinking more cold pressed juices to raise it and eat healthy like I do anyways. I have no idea why my t3 is low. Some conversion issue she said. She thought it was a pituitary gland issue but it wasn't. We are rechecking my thyroid levels after New Years. My OB only tested tsh. This is all sometimes exhausting to me. Gosh when I conceived DD it was easy peasy and I'm healthier now than I was then.

vlagrl29

@pumpkinpancake is your white blood cell count low too since you have autoimmune disease?

pumpkinpancake

@vlagrl29 the last time I had a CBC panel (after my first loss), my white blood count was in the normal range, but I don’t know if they tested it again this time (all the results aren’t back yet). 

@tosh24 yeah I probably should see a full on endocrinologist at some point, but like you said, my RE seems to say that it could be years before it progresses enough to actually turn into hypothyroidism.  For now, she has me
on a low dose of levothyroxine to hopefully stabilize things enough for me to have a successful pregnancy. I was on levo during my first pregnancy with my son, and I had a healthy pregnancy and birth with him, so hopefully that’s the key to success for me. 

robyn2201

@tosh24 @BusinessWife GL with the IVF! 

robyn2201

1. Introduce yourself (if new) Not new. NMC at 10 weeks in July
2. Status? TWW, about 9 DPO, give or take a day.
3. Rants/Raves: We have a mouse and we can't seem to catch it. We have tried a human trap, glue pads, regular mouse traps and an electronic one. It's Houdini and has stolen the bait or set off the traps and not gotten caught. It destroyed the water lines in the washing machine and dishwasher. It has chewed up towels and a table runner in my linen closet. The dryer is sitting in the living room along with everything that was in the linen closet. I'm so frustrated that I could scream! 
4. GTKY: Holiday lights - Colored or Clear/White? White lights on the tree and colored lights outside. Sometimes I will do colored and white on the tree inside.

vlagrl29

@pumpkinpancake - so my T3 just a couple weeks ago is 75 with normal being 76-181, my white blood cell count is 3.2 with normal being 3.8-10.8.  Those are the only 2 things I need to get higher then I'm in perfect health.  I was able to raise my vit D and omega fats so at least I had some improvement.

MandyMost

coco2787 said:

@acciocoffee I thought about posting something about our loss on social media, but I chickened out.  I still would like to at some point though, I want to do my part to reduce the stigma and misconceptions.  

I never posted myself, but I have replied to other people's posts on social media saying that I could relate, and that it happened to me too. To me, that was a good way to do my part to reduce the stigma and misconceptions without having to just "put myself out there".

MandyMost

1. Introduce yourself (if new): TTC for just a couple months, basing on dates and haven't started temping yet but I did buy a fancy thermometer. 

2. Status? TWW--AF is due on Chritmas Day....so that's going to be rough in either direction. 

3. Rants/Raves: Our first pregnancy we found out was not viable on Christmas Eve, and I had a D&C on the day after Christmas--that was 3 years ago, but it makes it particularly rough this year as we're TTC again. I hope this is OK to share here? 

4. GTKY: Holiday lights - Colored or Clear/White?  White, so they don't compete with the other decorations. Although I do love the super chunky retro colored lights sometimes!

dpjennifer

@robyn2201 Ugh! So sorry about the mouse. That is super frustrating!!!

MandyMost  Sorry for the Christmas eve/day triggers. These days are hard enough after a MC, without having it be an anniversary of a loss too.

coco2787

I posted an article about miscarriage on my Facebook yesterday.  Not quite the same as telling the world what happened, but it did make me feel a little better.  Baby steps.  
This is the article for anyone interested, I thought it was a good summary for those who haven't experienced it.  https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/05/08/404913568/people-have-misconceptions-about-miscarriage-and-that-hurts?utm_campaign=storyshare&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social

40momma

Thanks for that article @coco2787 so many sentiments ring true. 

Mack2342

Thanks for the article @coco2787.  

[Deleted User]

I identified so much with that article, thank You!  @coco2787  In particular, not realising how common it is.  My mother told me once she had two mc's between me and my brother, but that was about it.  No idea how far along or any other details or how she felt about it, just that it happened.  Still, that alone is helpful to me I guess, in knowing at least if I tell her, she would understand, but she doesn't even know we are ttc right now, so that conversation can wait.  I don't like the feeling like we are keeping silent, but I think my H in particular wants to be so hush hush about not just ttc, but the ivf part specifically, that it doesn't make sense for me to tell people who I don't otherwise want to tell we are ttc in the first place. :/  idk.

acciocoffee

@coco2787 That was such a great article! I shared it on Facebook just now. I seriously loved it. I feel like it hit so many important points. I do wish the title was different though because it looks like it is going to shame people, but I didn't feel like it did at all. 

lumosmaxima

"all that got taken away from me." This. Thanks for sharing @coco2787

zamoraspin

@coco2787 Thank you for sharing that article. I have had every one of those "things people say" said to me. Probably my least favorite was that it was "part of God's plan" that I lost my first baby. That was said to me by a nurse, of all people. 

I was able to share publicly in October that I had experienced mc (October is an awareness month for mc, stillbirth and infant loss). TW I was pregnant for the third time when I posted and that made it easier to post, although of course that pregnancy also ended in mc. end TW The thrust of my post was how to respond with empathy to people who had a loss. I posted that great video about empathy with my post. The thing I still have trouble copping to more publicly is the RPL. I do worry people will think I am doing something "wrong" or wonder "what is wrong with her?" even as I know we have had every test done and there is nothing that is "wrong" or that I am doing "wrong".  

I think it's amazing when people can share, but I also know it is not something everyone is comfortable with and that it is sometimes a timing issue. Sometimes you need distance from it to be able to talk about it more openly. I have seen mc referred to as "the world's shittiest secret society" and it's very true. 

vlagrl29

Great article.  Inspired me so much I posted it to FB.  God the laundry list of responses felt so true to me.  At least you can get pregnant I heard from a few people.  I was thinking WTF? yes because I already have a living child but how long to I have to wait for a 2nd one.  Still here with an empty uterus and my year anniversary is this week and next and it's just sad.

Mack2342

I’ve heard all those too.  The at least you can get pregnant really bothers me too.  What I hate the most is after telling people how many losses we’ve had and that we may continue trying I get a look like “why” and someone said “aren’t you afraid it will just happen again” 

acciocoffee

I think the worst responses for me have been the people who never said anything at all. I know that they are worried about saying the wrong thing, but when they say nothing it feels like they don't care. There are several people, who I consider to be close friends, who still have not said a word to me about our loss even though I know they know about it. 

*Edited because words are hard.

honeybeebub

Great article. Like @mack2342 stated, the "at least you can get pregnant" bothers me the most. Yeah, sure, I can get pregnant, and then go through the hurt and devastation with each loss. A friend, who actually is going through infertility recently suggested that I just don't test so early, that way I wouldn't know about the earlier losses. It's like a punch to the gut when someone says something like that, because it's almost like there's no acknowledgement of the sh-t show you've been through and strips all the emotion out of the situation.

I personally haven't shared on social media that because I don't want people who I haven't chosen to tell know about the situation. I may give more information on our losses, and how long it's taken to get here, if things pan out for us and we have a baby...

Mack2342

@honeybeebub your friends comment is horrible.  Not to mention not all of our bodies recognize that pregnancy isn’t viable and hangs on to it for weeks 

vlagrl29

@Mack2342 I'm sorry you've dealt with that. I'm pretty hush hush about talking to people about our struggle. Only a few close friends. I've told maybe 3 people that we will see an RE next month. A while back a friend told me that maybe I should just be ok not knowing if we will ever have another. Ok with possibly not having another one. I've been thru so many emotions in a year. Telling myself we aren't meant to have another and be an only child family, getting so stressed out having an anxiety attack, 3 months off not thinking about ttc, coming back to it only to be told by an OB I'm infertile but he doesn't know why, but my mind has never been so strong and clear at this moment. Now I realize I still have the desire for another and that's ok, I pray more now for strength and guidance. For me I just can't let it go without knowing I've done my best. Which is why we are spending a little money oop to see an RE in a few weeks. I just need to hear it from a specialist and no I'm not ok doing clomid with an OB without monitoring.

i hope we all get out bfps and rainbows in 2018!

honeybeebub

@Mack2342 My first was a MMC Isn't it? She has had a mc too, so given that and infertility, I would have expected more from her. 

Mack2342

@honeybeebub my body has never recognized with the 3 losses I had and yes I would expect more from her too with a loss and fertility issues.  My best friend who is TTC and has had no luck told me well at least you can get pregnant.  While I hate that comment I let it slide bc I know she is hurting that she can’t get pregnant.  I week or so after she said that I sent her and our other best friend an article with some of those hurtful comments to read and told them I just wanted them to understand some of what I was feeling.  She has never said anything hurtful again to me.   And they both thanked me for sharing it 

@vlagrl29 I’m with you.  I have to know that I’ve tried everything in my power to make it work.  If I’ve done that and still no baby then I will be ok but I can’t look back a few years from now and wonder what if.  

vlagrl29

Exactly @Mack2342 I can't have regrets either and I don't want to wait a few years then look back wonder why I didn't do something. I'm ready for this next step. It's what I need for final closure. 2018 will be the year I move on. I just can't anymore but I need this.

did you have c section with your Ds? I'm really wanting a peace of mind my scar tissue from mine isn't getting in the way. Can they see that on u/s? My tubes are clear,

lumosmaxima

@acciocoffee the "forgetting" about it is terrible. A friend said she didn't want to talk about it with me because she didn't want me to feel sad...I told her I feel sad whether we talk about it or not  

honeybeebub

@Mack2342 @vlagrl29 I completely understand wanting to get to a point where you feel you have exhausted all options. DH and I continue to have the conversation of IVF with PGS due to my loss history (and so does my RE) and the timing consistently changes. I think if things don't pan out sooner than later with the remodeled ute we will be moving forward with our last ditch effort in IVF. I just want to make sure that things don't work out naturally first before we fork up our savings and mess with my cycles. 

tosh24

@honeybeebub I'm the same way. If I ever get to hold a healthy rainbow baby in my arms, I think I will open the floodgates and tell the rest of my story. But right now, it's just too painful. I actually feel better that people *don't* know because I like to keep things private. And by "people" I mean my family. Pretty much all my friends know what's going on. I just can't handle the pity and stupid comments I'd get from my family who don't understand the first thing about what I'm going through. But I don't like that there's a stigma attached to infertility and pregnancy loss and I do feel a bit guilty that I'm holding my cards close to my chest at the moment. *TW children mentioned* Regardless of whether or not I choose to "announce" it broadly, I will always be open with my children about our losses and about taking charge of their own fertility (esp. with my daughter - who knows if our infertility has a genetic component). I want them to know that if they ever have to walk this same path, I am their soft place to land and that I understand. 

Mack2342

@lumosmaxima we will never forget and always have a place in our hearts for our LOs whether we talk about it or not.   I think I will always have a sadness for all 3 of my losses

@honeybeebub while we are doing fertility treatments we are not doing IVF.  That is the one option I won’t explore.  For me, I can’t spend the money on it as we have a living child and the chance of it working for someone of my age is slim so we decided we can’t take money away from our son for a 15% chance.  I do want to make sure I explore everything else though which at this point might just be getting some answers from testing 

@tosh24 I agree with you.  I want my son to know about our losses.  One I want him to know I really tried to give him a sibling and I want him to know in case it ever becomes an issue for him.  

dpjennifer

LIke zamora_spin I have also heard every one of those lines in the article.
I also wrote about MC in October on FB, and I tend to do it around holidays as well. As a reminder to all of those families taking those cutesy 'perfect' family pictures and posting them online, that holidays can be very rough to those of us desperately wanting a family and having experienced nothing but loss and grief.

coco2787

I've already decided that I'm not going to do a cute social media announcement or post bump or U/S photos if I get pregnant again because I know how much that stuff hurts those who have experienced loss and/or IF.  

galactickates

@coco2787 - I understand wanting to spare people's feelings but I'm sure there are lots of people on your social media who love you and would love to share your joy with you.  I understand how the sting of those announcements can hurt someone, but you can't live your life by that.  If you have people you're worried about just let them know before hand so it's not a shock.  You shouldn't hide your happiness though.  I know I'm in the very small minority of people that is not bothered by announcements, but I wouldn't want my friends or family to ever feel like they have to hide their joy and happiness to spare my feelings. I would feel terrible.  I know how happy I was the day I got my BFP and I would never want to take away that joy from someone I love and care about.

I'm trying to be sensitive because I know where I'm posting this,  but life is precious. We all know that.  We know how hard it can be to create it and how easy it can be taken away.  We also only get one shot at this life. There is no do over or next time.  If you want to shout your BFP from the roof top do it,  If you want to hold it in your heart as a secret between you and your SO do it,  but you should do these things because YOU want to. You shouldn't sit on the sideline and not take cute announcement photos because your trying to spare feelings.  IDK 

I know you don't know me,  or my tone so just imagine this was all a loving Pep talk.    It just breaks my heart when I think about anyone TTCAL hiding their happiness.  Personally I find it even more important to share.  You give hope to those that are struggling. I searched out success after ectopic for hours/days after surgery.  I wanted to know it was possible.  I needed hope. I just wanted to maybe bring up the other side.