Today is my birthday...I’m 32. And I woke up with the heaviest, most overwhelming sense of sadness. Which just made me even sadder because I used to love my birthday. Just one more thing infertility has taken from me.
We started trying to get pregnant when I turned 30. I remember how excited I was...I quit my day job and started working as a photographer from home full time, fully expecting to have a baby at home with me before my 31st birthday.
Now here I am, two years older, 40 lbs heavier, and still childless. So much about our lives has changed in the last two years. All of our friends have become parents. We’re my best friend’s son’s godparents. Our nieces and nephews are growing up, best friends with each other...and I can’t stand to be around them because all I can see is that my kids are missing out on being little with their cousins. We’ve had a year long fight with our insurance company over recurrent miscarriage blood work. After three miscarriages, I’ve lost every ounce of innocence or naivety or joy about pregnancy that I ever had. When I take pregnancy tests now I am just as nervous that it’s going to be positive as I am that it will be negative. I’m terrified. Terrified of having another miscarriage, terrified of never having a baby. Terrified of feeling this sad and empty for the rest of my life.
I’m a strong person. Or at least I used to be. I can feel how worried my husband is about me, and the way my mom and my sister stare at me when they think I’m not looking breaks my heart. So I put on a brave face. I try so hard to be upbeat and strong...not just for them, but for me too because I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this sad all of the time. I don’t want to be hopeless.
There is a place somewhere deep inside my heart that believes I will be a mother some day. I don’t know what our family is going to look like but I know that we will have one...we will make that happen and maybe one day I will look back and see why all of this happened. I listen to the song “Thy Will” a lot when I’m feeling this way...she says “I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan”...it is so hard for me let go of my plans, of my timing. I’m trying, I try every day, but it’s hard.
I know that you all know how I’m feeling...I don’t know why I felt the need to put words to it today, but I did. When you spend the first hour of your birthday sobbing into your husbands chest, you need somewhere to go to talk about that...and this is where I came. So much love to you guys today. I haven’t been the best participant here over the last two years...sometimes it’s just too hard for me to think about all of the time. Sometimes that’s all I need. But I do have so much love and hope for you all, and I appreciate so much you being here for me when I’m strong enough to show up. I will always be thankful for you.
Married for 5 years, TTC for 3 years
PCOS, Low AMH, Endo, Uterine Fibroids, Low Estrogen...
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
3 Losses, 8/16 11/16 and 6/2017