Birthday Thoughts (*TW Losses Mentioned)

BWhitta · December 2017

Today is my birthday...I’m 32. And I woke up with the heaviest, most overwhelming sense of sadness. Which just made me even sadder because I used to love my birthday. Just one more thing infertility has taken from me.

We started trying to get pregnant when I turned 30. I remember how excited I was...I quit my day job and started working as a photographer from home full time, fully expecting to have a baby at home with me before my 31st birthday.

Now here I am, two years older, 40 lbs heavier, and still childless. So much about our lives has changed in the last two years. All of our friends have become parents. We’re my best friend’s son’s godparents. Our nieces and nephews are growing up, best friends with each other...and I can’t stand to be around them because all I can see is that my kids are missing out on being little with their cousins. We’ve had a year long fight with our insurance company over recurrent miscarriage blood work. After three miscarriages, I’ve lost every ounce of innocence or naivety or joy about pregnancy that I ever had. When I take pregnancy tests now I am just as nervous that it’s going to be positive as I am that it will be negative. I’m terrified. Terrified of having another miscarriage, terrified of never having a baby. Terrified of feeling this sad and empty for the rest of my life.

I’m a strong person. Or at least I used to be. I can feel how worried my husband is about me, and the way my mom and my sister stare at me when they think I’m not looking breaks my heart. So I put on a brave face. I try so hard to be upbeat and strong...not just for them, but for me too because I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be this sad all of the time. I don’t want to be hopeless.

There is a place somewhere deep inside my heart that believes I will be a mother some day. I don’t know what our family is going to look like but I know that we will have one...we will make that happen and maybe one day I will look back and see why all of this happened. I listen to the song “Thy Will” a lot when I’m feeling this way...she says “I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan”...it is so hard for me let go of my plans, of my timing. I’m trying, I try every day, but it’s hard.

I know that you all know how I’m feeling...I don’t know why I felt the need to put words to it today, but I did. When you spend the first hour of your birthday sobbing into your husbands chest, you need somewhere to go to talk about that...and this is where I came. So much love to you guys today. I haven’t been the best participant here over the last two years...sometimes it’s just too hard for me to think about all of the time. Sometimes that’s all I need. But I do have so much love and hope for you all, and I appreciate so much you being here for me when I’m strong enough to show up. I will always be thankful for you.

funkykey · December 2017

Ugh, I'm so sorry @BWhitta - I mean, I want to say: "Happy Birthday", but I get it... Not all birthdays are happy. I hope you take some time to take good care of yourself today.

IF sucks, it really, really does. We've been trying to have a baby for about 2 years too, and watching our little nieces and nephews grow up all through it. My first year of TTC, 3 of my sisters were pregnant at the same time, and now their babies are all starting to walk together and they're talking about when they want to have their next, and I sit here feeling like: "Wow, life is really passing me by." And it feels so unfair, because I am trying so, so hard every month to take part. I have faith that I will have a baby of my own one day - that's why we're pursuing treatments - but it's really tough. We haven't fought with our insurance, but we've made a lot of sacrifices because we're OOP, and sometimes it just seems like: "WTF. Enough."

I hear what you mean about how people stare at you, too. I've been private about our IF struggles, and sometimes I even like it when someone around me puts their foot it in, and says something like: "are you going to start trying soon?" Because at least then I know that when they look at me, they see me, and not just sadness. Whereas our friends and family who know, sometimes it feels like they're handling me with kid gloves, and they're too afraid to say anything. I hate it.

Anyway, hang in there. Sending you lots of good vibes.

soehlerk · December 2017

@BWhitta You are not alone. You're right about infertility stealing the joy from moments that used to be carefree. I hate that feeling. We had only been TTC for 9 months when my 30th birthday came around, but it was still painful. I hate feeling like I'm failing to show a smile to the people around me, people who want to celebrate with me. We are here for you to vent when you need to. Infertility sucks.

hoffmanr7 · December 2017

lablover78 · December 2017

@BWhitta my heart broke reading this...not only for what you are going through but because I feel those things and have for the last 4 1/2 years. IF is like drowning and not knowing where the shore is...not knowing which direction to swim to get out of it. I wish I had the words to comfort you. I think writing it out helps so feel free anytime. I’ve journaled on and off through this journey- mostly off because it is painful but I try to make myself so I’m not holding onto the negativity. I feel that IF has changed me in ways I didn’t want to change. However, we are strong, beautiful women who are fighting for our family- whatever it is going to look like. Some day we will be on the other side of IF. Please know you are far from alone. Was it on this thread someone posted about the documentary One Last Shot (I think that’s the name?) I started reading the wife’s blog the other day until I can find time to actually watch it and she talks about infertility Island. I think that’s so fitting- it does feel like an island- yet there are SO many of us. So much love, hugs and support to you. Tomorrow is another day

BWhitta · December 2017

Thank you guys so much, it was a really hard day but ended on a good note and I feel better today. Here's to becoming a mother at 32!

cryssieaddis · December 2017

I am SO sorry you are experiencing this. I can completely relate. Please know that your feelings are valid and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm praying for you precious friend. Have you thought about talking with a counselor or life coach to help you through the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing. We are here for you and praying for your sweet heart!

kistra · January 2018

I think you put your feelings into words incredibly well. I hope you feel a little better for having written it all out.

Birthday Thoughts (*TW Losses Mentioned)

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