PGAL Check In ((6 December))

syssa-o

Here’s one of those things they don’t prepare you for.....

The past two days, when we’ve gone to get our son (just turned 3) up from his nap, he has evidently gone into our room and gotten Leah’s urn and is cuddling with it. He has it on his pillow and tucked into the blankets. 

He has a special Leah bear and multiple laminated pictures that he can do whatever he wants with.... but he’s been going for the urn. I’m not concerned about him breaking it or anything, it’s pretty sturdy but it’s devastating and it makes me think he’s maybe starting a new phase of grief? Especially with all of the talk of the twins coming in the next few months. 

I don’t know what I’m looking for! I just don’t know what to do about this behaviour or how to approach my boy who seems like he’s hurting ??

senora76

@syssa-o this is so touching to me. My sons are much older than yours and I have my grief challenges with them as well, but I find this incredibly sweet. We have Mars in 2 boxes. One in our home, and his other one with his grandparents in Spain. We just went through 2 situations where my sons wanted to be with his ashes - on Mars' birthday when they wanted his box with us when we lit a candle on his cupcake for him... and again when we were in Spain... and yes my challenges differ because im dealing with a teenager and a pre-teen, not a preschooler...

My feelings are that you should welcome and honor your sons wishes to cuddle with the urn. As you know we all grieve differently and it is a process. I think it is wonderful your son is so open. I don't think his grief process should ever be stifled. It is probably not affecting his ability to conduct himself in society, so its really not a problem...but I understand this can be hard to see as his and Leah's mother. You know as bereaved mothers, our responsibilities to our lost children do change. We are no longer responsible for changing their diapers or feeding them, or keeping them warm, but we do have a responsibility for their legacy and we do carry them, even heavier than our living children for the rest of our days. As Leah's brother, your son is respecting her legacy...and at the same time doing what he needs to, to deal. 

If you ever want to PM me, I am always open to talk. It's an ongoing process in our home as well, and this pregnancy is also bringing up all sorts of different feelings about Mars for us as well.

syssa-o

@senora76 you said exactly what I needed to hear I think. I posted in a grief group recommended through the hospital and was told that I should put the urn out of reach and scold him. THAT won’t happen. We have always let him “say goodnight” to the urn before bed every day. 

I asked him why he wanted to sleep with her and he said she was cold. I asked if he wanted us to wrap a blanket around her and he said yes. I think we are going to get a special shelf for the urn to keep in his room as long as he wants it. 

There is no way for him to open it/ break it (it is solid wood with concealed screws) so I guess we just ride this one out?

senora76

@syssa-o that is unbelievable - i am seriously in a rage that anyone would suggest you scold him and make it difficult for him to grieve properly. There is nothing at all I see wrong with your situation. Quite the contrary...your son is able to express himself!!!  At such a young age, no less!!!  I'm a huge believer in organic parenting...  doing what feels naturally to both child and parent... seems like this is natural for your son, why fight it??? Leah is FOREVER part of your family. Period. She will always be his sister... and she will forever be the twins' sister as well. This will NEVER change. It's honestly probably the hardest on YOU to watch him like this... but objectively, I think it is beautiful.

For the record - I found Mars' box at my inlaws home in Spain wrapped in a baby blanket that DH's mom made for Mars. I kept him wrapped in it the whole time we were there. If your son wants to wrap her in a blanket - i think he should. 

syssa-o

Thank you @senora76 I really appreciate everything you’ve said. We just wrapped up bedtime and we said goodnight to the urn which now has a shelf in his room and a blankie. We took a look through some pictures and I told him that if he thinks Leah needs something or if he needs something to call for us. 

I just feel so in over my head trying to interpret how he is grieving! He doesn’t really draw anything that you can depict yet so I can’t ask him to draw anything and when I ask him to verbalize his feelings, it’s hit or miss. 

mdfarmchick

@syssa-o @senora76...

wow. These words you both wrote today were absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking. I have no words to help in this situation but you both absolutely amaze me. I think it is absolutely touching and normal for your son to think about her being cold and wanting to make it better. Sending so much love your way.

chasingroygbiv

@mdfarmchick Yes! All of what you said. I’ve been reading this thread today, but just haven’t even had semi adequate words. Love and hugs to you guys. Your babies were and will always clearly be so very loved. @syssa-o @senora76

leilaquinn

@syssa-o and @senora76 I also just want to say how palpable the love is, and how touching and terrifying to love someone so completely, as a first time mom I am overwhelmed reading your words.

senora76

@syssa-o its hard not to feel overwhelmed when you are negotiating your own grieving broken heart and have such overwhelming responsibility to help your kids process as well. Plus you are pregnant!!! Its good to offer up many outlets but it seems like your son is doing whats right for himself at the moment. Please message me anytime you want. Its helpful to my own grief process to help ❤️

@mdfarmchick @chasingroygbiv @leilaquinn thank you for your support and love ❤️