@dan0081 kids often actually pick what to call grandparents, instead of the grandparents themselves. My kid had problems with Gs due to tongue thrust at first, so she ended up calling my parents Na Na and Pop Pop. I would just pick an easy "nickname" like that for her, and claim that the kid can't say "grandma" yet. By the time they are "ready", it will be next to impossible to get the kiddo to switch names, and viola, not your fault!
@bchalm That's good insight! A nickname could be something we could think about. Today will give us insight because who knows.. maybe she just wants to be called by her first name. @lindsye That's a great question. My mom and MIL have already started calling themselves grandma so I think they'd like to be called that. We are having challenges with the whole situation because of our poor relationship with her so I honestly don't even know if I want her to have a "grandma-like" name. She told my FIL that she is jealous of the time he spends with my DH and I (we've seen him without her 1-2 times in the year they've been dating) and she is jealous of baby coming. This really bothers me because I feel like she is going to make my FIL feel guilty for spending time with our LO when they arrive. He has been hounding us about grandkids since the day we got married, and I feel like she is going to take away that joy from him because she is jealous. It makes me so sad for him and our baby. Maybe I'm just being spiteful and irrational (this is probably true) by just wanting to call her by her first name only. It'll be interesting to hear today from my FIL what she wants to be called.. maybe she does just want to be called by her first name, and I'm totally overreacting. Sorry for the novel, and I appreciate your insight!
YIKES!
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
@DAN0081 I grew up having three Grandmas - My dad's mother, my mom's mother, and my Grandpa's 'new' wife (they married around the same time as my parents so have been together my whole life). We referred to the 'new' wife (I think to appease my mom's mother) as "Grandma [First Name]" and the other Grandmothers as simply "Grandma."
Your situation is different though... by the time I came around, we knew my Grandma was here to stay. For my kids, we have "Nana" for my mom and "[Grandma] BC" (family nickname) for my MIL. I think Nana is a sacred name too, like Grandma, so I would have the same trouble you do.
I think a nickname for her, based on her first name, is a great idea. Its special, unique to her, but not one of the sacred names we typically think of as reserved. What's her first name?
I'm dying to hear what she wants to be called....
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
@dan0081 I have two different insight on that. My own grandpa was remarried before I was born but we (my cousins and I) have always called his wife by her real name even though they were married before we arrived. She gets called grandma by her own blood related grandkids. And although I love her a lot, she was never a grandma figure. She was my grandpa’s wife and she never tried to play that role either.
My parents divorced when I was really young and I was basically raised by my step father. I have never called him dad but even though he’s not with my mom anymore it was obvious he was going to be my kid’s grand father figure. He’s also remarried with a Dutch woman so they go by Oma and Oppa (Dutch for grandparents) and I’m totally ok with it. They have their own title and one day when DS is old enough I’ll probably explain the very complicated family history lol!
@dan0081 She is JEALOUS of an unborn infant!? Sounds like a piece of work!! I would definitely say that grandma has already been taken. I agree with ladythrice, a nickname based on her first name would be nice! My cousins always called my paternal grandma "rocky" because her name was Roxann. My dad hated any names except grandma and grandpa so we grew up with 2 of each. Now my DS calls him Pappy! haha revenge!
@ngolimento Yes, I totally agree with you that kids ultimately decide what they call their grandparents. I would love to have this whole "name" thing not be our fault so that'd be ideal. I think she would be upset though before baby arrives if we called him grandpa (which we will) and her by her first name to baby, even though they couldn't say "grandpa" or "grandma" at that point. I think my DH may just say.. For now, we will call her by her first name and once baby gets old enough, they can ultimately decide what they'd like to call her. @ladythrice I know. This makes me somewhat hesitant to even have her around our baby, honestly. I do not feel confident that she would have the baby's best interests in mind because of her jealousy and insecurity surrounding baby already. It's all so complicated.
@dan0081 I think you’re perfectly justified wanting to stick with her first name. But I wouldn’t bring it up unless they do—in which case I’d probably just act confused and say you assumed you’d continue to call her by her first name. But I should add that I’m verrrryy non-confrontational and my mil decided she would be lolli (with an i no less...whyyyyy?) and I really wish I would’ve said something earlier.
@ladythrice Sorry I replied to your first post before seeing the
second one. I really like the idea of a nickname, especially if we had a better
relationship with her. I know I’m being dramatic and spiteful about the whole
situation but it’s been emotionally draining dealing with her since they’ve
been together. My DH will be talking to him this afternoon but I’ll be gone
most of the evening without computer access (I only use TB on my computer). I’ll be sure to update tomorrow! Like I said, it could be totally anti-climatic and wants to just be
called her first name but given her history, I doubt this will be the case.
@danjoly I appreciate both the insights into the situation.
I feel like my DH and I will just call her by her first name around baby, until
they decide if they want to call her “grandma” or “nana” or whatever. Who knows.. maybe in the next year
or two things will turn around with her, and my DH and I will start using that term. I love that
they’re called “Oma” and “Oppa”.. that’s adorable. Won’t that be a fun
conversation to have someday with our children about all of our strange family dynamics?
@peppersmith22 She is a piece of work.. The jealousy is such a concern when baby arrives. I love that your DS calls
your dad Pappy now!
@rmmorris I am the same way! That might not be a bad idea either to just
ignore it until they bring it up again. My number one strength on the "Strengthsfinder" is harmony so it's a miracle I am even considering having my DH tell his dad we will just call her by her first name. I have never heard of the name “Lolli” for a grandma, at least it's unique.
@dan0081 my DD calls my inlaws Mama and Papa. Nothing I could do to stop it. She calls her Aunt Nana even though we only ever addressed her as Tia. Kids are weird lol. But however they can interpret and pronounce the name is usually what they continue.
When would you guys start worrying about cramping? I’ve been feeling continuous crampiness on and off for 24 hours. Not BH but more the type of pain that could be cramps or could be gas. Drinking water/rest doesn’t seem to help.
I did have my AS yesterday and usually find I’m sore after an ultrasound- could be that I guess?
@Puddlewonderful I feel like cramping as the uterus expands is a normal part of pregnancy that different women experience at different times. I would only worry if they are accompanied by bleeding or if the pain gets to a level that you are uncomfortable with. I usually just try to listen to my body and amp up the water and rest when I get them. If the cramps start to concern you, or even if you just want extra reassurance that things are ok, you could always place a call to your OB nurse line to chat with them about exactly what you are feeling and if they think it's normal.
@Puddlewonderful yeah, try drinking warm water or like a tea. That seems to help me most. I had some pretty bad cramping yesterday that went all the way up my side, it was definitely gas or my body trying to contract some bowel movement lol, but it had me doubled over in pain. The warm tea helped my body relax with the cold weather we are having and its been gone today. But as long as there is no bleeding, you should be okay. Its just uncomfortable/painful.
Ok STM+ of colicky/poor sleeping babies: anybody have any insight on dockatot, yay or nay? I am really torn; I am not deterred by the price, because if it actually works that well, it is well worth it. I am concerned about the possible safety issues, though. That being said, I know the RNP doesn’t meet AAP sleep safety standards either and i’ve used it successfully (and by necessity) with all three of my older kids. It also seems tons of moms have used the dockatot without issue, but ugh decisions.
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Ok STM+ of colicky/poor sleeping babies: anybody have any insight on dockatot, yay or nay? I am really torn; I am not deterred by the price, because if it actually works that well, it is well worth it. I am concerned about the possible safety issues, though. That being said, I know the RNP doesn’t meet AAP sleep safety standards either and i’ve used it successfully (and by necessity) with all three of my older kids. It also seems tons of moms have used the dockatot without issue, but ugh decisions.
Dock a tot is made breatheable. I think it is 50/50 depending on the baby. My daughter was colicky and had reflux. She slept in her swing and pack in play bassinet, she needed the incline and the movement to sleep, so a dock a tot would have been a waste of money for us.
@lindsye personally I can’t with the dock a tot. I use a RNP as well, but baby is always snug in the RNP and doesn’t have room to twist their head and mash their nose/mouth into the sides. It seems like there’s enough room in the dock a tot for rolling/squirming, and the borders look much too similar to bumpers in a crib for my taste. For me it’s not worth the risk, however breathable the sides are advertised to be.
Gah I know, @kmalls - that’s my hang-up as well. And as you said, @sjn00, my baby might need the incline anyway. Alright thanks ladies! You talked me down from a $200 purchase. Fist bumps.
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@lindsye I would be very nervous letting a newborn sleep in that. It looks extremely easy to wedge their face into. Most co-sleeping docks/inserts have crisp straight angles and surfaces.
I agree, @ngolimento. Some of the glowing reviews (and the thought of maybe getting 2 to 3 hour stretches from the get-go!) made me tempted but ultimately I can’t do it.
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Doc-a-tot have been banned to use the appellation « sleep device » in Canada recently. I’m not sleep freak and DS slept in his RNP for a while but the DAT makes me nervous. This whole « breathable » thing + how lots of people use it in a crib makes me uncomfortable. That + also 200$ for a pillow which seems crazy!!!!
@dan0081 this is something I have brought up with my husband. my fil got remarried when my dh was 17 they didn't live close and he has never been close with her. My fil always refers to her as "mom" which drives me nuts because she never helped raise my husband or his siblings and I don't think she deserves either title. she is also a bit selfish and has made comments about being at the hospital when baby is born. needless to say I will not be letting her be called grandma and she is probably won't be notified until after baby is born so she won't just show up.
A little update on my FIL and his fiancee- My DH never got around to asking his FIL what she wants to be called. Sorry the story is SO anti-climatic. I'm sure it'll come up at a different time though. My DH and his dad had a great conversation though about what was going on otherwise so that was encouraging. I appreciate the advice from you all because I certainly feel better about the situation now.. We may ask her if there's a nickname she would like if things continue positively, but we will see when the time comes! We had a pleasant time with them last night, which was reassuring. I think since she realizes she'll officially be a part of the family soon enough, it seems like she is trying to make more of an effort.
@sunshine27shy That sounds like such a challenging situation to be in, too. I think you are warranted in your feelings and especially if you don't feel comfortable with her being in the hospital, I think it would be fine to just tell them after the baby has arrived. Hoping it all turns out okay for you!
Ok STM+ of colicky/poor sleeping babies: anybody have any insight on dockatot, yay or nay? I am really torn; I am not deterred by the price, because if it actually works that well, it is well worth it. I am concerned about the possible safety issues, though. That being said, I know the RNP doesn’t meet AAP sleep safety standards either and i’ve used it successfully (and by necessity) with all three of my older kids. It also seems tons of moms have used the dockatot without issue, but ugh decisions.
So I cross posted this question in my local mom’s group on Facebook worded very similarly. Some chick responded with several different posts worth of advice on what likely caused my babies’ sleep troubles, ranging from telling me all my kids likely had silent reflux to emphasizing the importance of putting babies on a schedule a la the Baby Whisperer. I have never met this person and she knew nothing about my kids other than the very limited information in my post. I debated just ignoring her but decided to respond with a fairly direct message about how suggesting that, particularly by my fourth kid, things that come up in a quick google search on infant sleep troubles are not things I’d already considered and ruled out might be just the slightest bit offensive.
So PSA for the day: no matter how well intentioned, don’t give a parent unsolicited advice about their kids. It comes off as condescending at best and offensive at worst. Beginning by asking “do you want to hear my opinion?” or “do you know what worked for me?” and having that person actually ask for your advice makes a huge difference. (And yes, btw, I do recognize the serious irony of giving unsolicited advice about giving unsolicited advice. I just thought it would be a nice reminder today before all our babies get here to maybe save some hurt feelings.)
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@lindsye oh man, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. Unsolicited advice is awful, particularly when it’s about sleep issues. Like, oh yes, THANK YOU for suggesting reflux. It literally never crossed my mind in the hours and hours I was up in the middle of the night, sobbing, with three kids. THANK YOU.
EXACTLY, @kmalls! By giving me that advice you are suggesting either a) I don’t give enough of a sh*t about my kids’ welfare/happiness (or my three months of absolutely mind numbing sleep deprivation) to try to fix the problem or b) I am a complete and total idiot who cannot master the google or take my kid to a semi-competent pediatrician. I’m glad you think you are god’s gift to parents everywhere, but maybe don’t start out with the assumption that everyone else is a moronic incompetent? Just a thought.
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@lindsye omg I feel you girl. When my baby wasn't sleeping, I got torn down SO badly by people who just KNEW that I was a fucking moron and hasn't thought of the obvious, or just sucked at parenting. So many people told me to just let her cry it out (She was a newborn and in pain, that's CPS level cruelty), or that she had a lip tie (3 doctors ruled that out), or my favorite: that my pediatrician was wrong when they diagnosed her with bovine intolerance by finding blood in her stool. Yes, they contradicted a doctor who found blood coming out of my baby. Obviously a fucking lip tie was keeping her from sleeping, jeeze I am so dumb.
Ugh, toxic advice givers are a plague. I have to admit that I really like the April board so far because I haven't seen a single hint of any of that behavior. It's rare for a board, and I am enjoying it.
Yes a tongue tie was one of this girl’s helpful suggestions as well. Magic that she was able to diagnose it upon never meeting me or any of my three kids!!! (Never mind the fact that they all nursed like champs from day one and gained weight linearly).
I’m sorry you had to deal with that nonsense, @ngolimento. CIO for a newborn is all sorts of special advice. Clearly you were dealing with a bunch of parenting experts! I also haven’t seen any of that kind of thing on this board and hope it stays that way. In the case of this girl, though, I honestly think she was just completely oblivious - like she was preaching the gospel to me or something and never thought about all that that would imply.
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@lindsye I had one of those experiences on my local mom FB group as well. I posted asking for daycare recommendations and experiences and oh boy did I recieve feedback on everything other then what I asked for! SO many women just jumped right to “You should get a nanny” completely ignoring the fact I asked about daycare centers. This one lady also reached out to me offering to be my nanny and although it was a nice offer after one peek at her FB page I was reminded of exactly why I would rather take my kid to a daycare!
This didn’t happen on my post but I also LOVE when someone asks a question about their kids and the response is “leave it to god to figure out” or “go to church and pray about it”. This one mom had taken in some abused kids and was seeking a good therapist in the area and those were the responses. I just can’t with Texas sometimes.
@lindsye What a jerk! I'm a FTM, so I haven't had to deal with any of that yet, but I'm bracing myself! I'm already so sick of the comments like "your life's about to change." Sometimes I just want to say "Really? I assumed raising a child would be so easy."
Toddler-related question: any tips or hacks to get your LOs to brush their teeth? We were doing okay with the kind of toothbrush you put on your finger, then we bought my 20 mo. old her "own" little toothbrush and she insists on doing it herself, which of course is useless, and she fights me like crazy when I need to get in there are actually brush. We are lucky if we get 10 seconds of brushing time during several minutes of screaming. It is exhausting.
@mountainsmama I let mine brush on his own and when he is done I take over. Sometimes it works. It's probably not the taste of the toothpaste if it worked with the finger toothbrush.
@mountainsmama I just very enthusiastically congratulate her on doing a great job brushing her teeth, encourage her for a minute, and then tell her, "now it's time for mom to check your teeth," and then take the tooth brush. I'll make silly faces to get her to laugh and open her mouth, sing the "brush your teeth song" and explain, "now I'm brushing the top, bottom, side, tongue," etc. My toddler (and I think most toddlers are like this) is a vibe ninja-- I keep it light and fun and don't let her pick up on any frustrating vibe on my part, or things go down hill as far as struggle really quickly.
@mountainsmama we have the same problem. She brushes on her own randomly throughout the day (~3x a day). But in the morning and at night I do a quick sweep with an adult brush—I think she tolerates it because I don’t have to take away her brush to do it. She won’t let me do it with a toddler sized brush for whatever reason.
Yes a tongue tie was one of this girl’s helpful suggestions as well. Magic that she was able to diagnose it upon never meeting me or any of my three kids!!! (Never mind the fact that they all nursed like champs from day one and gained weight linearly).
I’m sorry you had to deal with that nonsense, @ngolimento. CIO for a newborn is all sorts of special advice. Clearly you were dealing with a bunch of parenting experts! I also haven’t seen any of that kind of thing on this board and hope it stays that way. In the case of this girl, though, I honestly think she was just completely oblivious - like she was preaching the gospel to me or something and never thought about all that that would imply.
I'm super late to this discussion but I can't leave this alone... Da fuq?! That is a response to your question about the Dock-a-tot?! Now... if your question had been, "LO isn't transferring milk well and has a really uncomfortable latch, does anyone know what might cause this?" I could see that answer... But "what do you think of the DAT?" WTF?!
/sigh LAWD save us from the Santimommies that KNOW EVERYTHING BETTER than anyone else who's ever mommed ever.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
@ladythrice there must be some tongue/lip tie Koolaid out there because there is a significant number of ladies who rabidly believe every ailment your baby suffers HAS to be a lip/tongue tie. It's seriously weird.
@JJMNO1616 it's not just Texas. I have seen on numerous d.s. posts about people saying you can pray away your child's heart defect. It's okay that they didn't seek medical treatments (echos) if they left it up to god. Hate to admit that this is one reason why I haven't been to church since dd's been born.
@rklinge0 I know a girl who swears she got pregnant even though she "wasn't ovulating" because they prayed about it. Yep, just another miracle virgin Mary over there.
@ladythrice yeah I know - she is clearly some kind of special. How lucky am I to have someone in my mom’s group who can execute a google search and has absolutely zero discretion about sharing whatever she finds?!? Rare skills, y’all. It’s kind of funny to me now, but it definitely got my blood pumping this weekend. Which is actually good, because it’s about the only exercise my heart has gotten lately.
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@rklinge0@mountainsmama It's so mind boggling to me! Granted, I'm not religious so I tend to take a very scientific approach and mind set to most things but even if I was religious I would hope to have enough sense to understand that's just not how things work. As a therapist I have seen religion play a very positive and powerful role in my patient's lives so I'm certainly not trying to knock other's faith and beliefs. I just think there has to be a balance otherwise it starts to boarder on neglect. Like the example rklinge0 gave about praying away a heart defect... wut?? Praying is fine but also take your child to a dang doctor!!
@rklinge0@mountainsmama It's so mind boggling to me! Granted, I'm not religious so I tend to take a very scientific approach and mind set to most things but even if I was religious I would hope to have enough sense to understand that's just not how things work. As a therapist I have seen religion play a very positive and powerful role in my patient's lives so I'm certainly not trying to knock other's faith and beliefs. I just think there has to be a balance otherwise it starts to boarder on neglect. Like the example rklinge0 gave about praying away a heart defect... wut?? Praying is fine but also take your child to a dang doctor!!
@Jjmno1616 see I am religious and I still think some of that stuff is cray cray!! And don't get me started on the getting pregnant cuz she prayed for it. What hubris. What makes YOU so special?! Gag me.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014! DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Re: Question thread 12/3
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
Your situation is different though... by the time I came around, we knew my Grandma was here to stay. For my kids, we have "Nana" for my mom and "[Grandma] BC" (family nickname) for my MIL. I think Nana is a sacred name too, like Grandma, so I would have the same trouble you do.
I think a nickname for her, based on her first name, is a great idea. Its special, unique to her, but not one of the sacred names we typically think of as reserved. What's her first name?
I'm dying to hear what she wants to be called....
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
My parents divorced when I was really young and I was basically raised by my step father. I have never called him dad but even though he’s not with my mom anymore it was obvious he was going to be my kid’s grand father figure. He’s also remarried with a Dutch woman so they go by Oma and Oppa (Dutch for grandparents) and I’m totally ok with it. They have their own title and one day when DS is old enough I’ll probably explain the very complicated family history lol!
@ladythrice I know.
@ladythrice Sorry I replied to your first post before seeing the second one. I really like the idea of a nickname, especially if we had a better relationship with her. I know I’m being dramatic and spiteful about the whole situation but it’s been emotionally draining dealing with her since they’ve been together. My DH will be talking to him this afternoon but I’ll be gone most of the evening without computer access (I only use TB on my computer). I’ll be sure to update tomorrow! Like I said, it could be totally anti-climatic and wants to just be called her first name but given her history, I doubt this will be the case.
@danjoly I appreciate both the insights into the situation. I feel like my DH and I will just call her by her first name around baby, until they decide if they want to call her “grandma” or “nana” or whatever. Who knows.. maybe in the next year or two things will turn around with her, and my DH and I will start using that term. I love that they’re called “Oma” and “Oppa”.. that’s adorable. Won’t that be a fun conversation to have someday with our children about all of our strange family dynamics?
@peppersmith22 She is a piece of work.. The jealousy is such a concern when baby arrives. I love that your DS calls your dad Pappy now!
@rmmorris I am the same way! That might not be a bad idea either to just ignore it until they bring it up again. My number one strength on the "Strengthsfinder" is harmony so it's a miracle I am even considering having my DH tell his dad we will just call her by her first name. I have never heard of the name “Lolli” for a grandma, at least it's unique.
I did have my AS yesterday and usually find I’m sore after an ultrasound- could be that I guess?
@sunshine27shy That sounds like such a challenging situation to be in, too. I think you are warranted in your feelings and especially if you don't feel comfortable with her being in the hospital, I think it would be fine to just tell them after the baby has arrived. Hoping it all turns out okay for you!
So PSA for the day: no matter how well intentioned, don’t give a parent unsolicited advice about their kids. It comes off as condescending at best and offensive at worst. Beginning by asking “do you want to hear my opinion?” or “do you know what worked for me?” and having that person actually ask for your advice makes a huge difference. (And yes, btw, I do recognize the serious irony of giving unsolicited advice about giving unsolicited advice. I just thought it would be a nice reminder today before all our babies get here to maybe save some hurt feelings.)
Ugh, toxic advice givers are a plague. I have to admit that I really like the April board so far because I haven't seen a single hint of any of that behavior. It's rare for a board, and I am enjoying it.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that nonsense, @ngolimento. CIO for a newborn is all sorts of special advice. Clearly you were dealing with a bunch of parenting experts! I also haven’t seen any of that kind of thing on this board and hope it stays that way. In the case of this girl, though, I honestly think she was just completely oblivious - like she was preaching the gospel to me or something and never thought about all that that would imply.
This didn’t happen on my post but I also LOVE when someone asks a question about their kids and the response is “leave it to god to figure out” or “go to church and pray about it”. This one mom had taken in some abused kids and was seeking a good therapist in the area and those were the responses. I just can’t with Texas sometimes.
/sigh LAWD save us from the Santimommies that KNOW EVERYTHING BETTER than anyone else who's ever mommed ever.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016
Hate to admit that this is one reason why I haven't been to church since dd's been born.
DS: EDD, December 19th, 2014. Born, December 19th, 2014!
DD: EDD, July 18th, 2016. Born, July 19th, 2016!
Baby #3: EDD, April 16th, 2016