December - Birth Parents — The Bump
Adoption

December - Birth Parents

Did you place a child for adoption? Is your child in a foster home? If so, please tell us more about you and your experiences. 

-Are you the birth mother or birth father?

-At what age was your child placed for adoption? or in a foster home?

-Do you have contact with your child or the family that adopted them or is fostering them?

-What kind of contact?

-How did you handle knowing you were placing a child?

-Any tips from your experience?

-What was your experience, overall?

-Anything else to add?

Re: December - Birth Parents

  • I am the birth mother. 
    My daughter was in adopted pretty much at birth. I was in jail. 
    I have lots of contact with my daughter. She was adopted by someone I went to school with. I recently went and celebrated her 3rd birthday with her. That was the first time I had met her since we left the hospital. She is amazing. I know i made the right decision.
    I miss her. I wish I could be the one raising her. But I keep a journal for her for when she's older to explain why I made the decision i made. 
    mill1020kmcc14AnnieR81
  • @jaymeenicole13 Thanks for Sharing! Question: Did you approach your friend to adopt your daughter or did she approach you?

    I recently read a book called The Open Hearted Way to Open Adoption. It was eye-opening as to what it looks like when you welcome your birth mother into the family as well. Something I hope to experience myself when I'm matched with my birth mother.

    Good luck with everything.
  • I'm a birth mother who is still carrying her precious cargo for someone who can't have a child. It's rewardless and sometimes I feel very discouraged that I won't have a baby to bring home with me. However I am all alone and cannot afford to bring her up how I'd want to... So I turned to adoption for the help I desperately need because I could never ever have an abortion. I love my dear baby girl too she is my angel. 
    I trust my birth family, however... How do I cope with the idea that they will name it something else? Was it easy for you to let that go? IM the one carrying it around shouldn't I have a say in what her name is???
  • @singlemommanbean What a gift you will be giving your chosen adoptive parents! It is not an easy decision and I wish you all the best.

    I am waiting to be matched to a birth mother. However, I cannot tell you how much heartache we went through when we discovered we would not be able to have our own child. Now we have hope again since we signed on with our agency.

    I imagine that it can sometimes feel overwhelming to be carrying a child for another family. You are a true and precious gift to those people - make no mistake. Good luck with everything!
  • @singlemommanbean ; Have you talked to the adoptive family about why they want to use a different name? I can understand why you want a say in her name, but they may have a family name in mind or maybe they picked out a name years ago and became very attached to it during their wait - they may not even be able to imagine their baby being named something else. Does the name you picked out have any special meaning? If so, you could tell the birth parents why you want that name (if you haven't already) and they may like the name better after knowing the meaning behind it.
    Me: 26   H: 26
    TTC #1: September 2015 - October 2016
    NTNP: November 2016 - present
    Diagnosed with varicose ovarian veins: May 2018

    Foster Care process
    Licensed: June 2017
    Foster son placed with us: January 2018
  • Thank you. I am thinking of reconsidering because they are getting distant emotionally and I feel as though I am being treated like a child. They avoid answering my questions directly. I am frank and honest and direct. They are not. I am not feeling a mesh of personalities but rather my expectation of my open adoption is (I feel) something they don't feel comfortable with. I gave them a list of requests that I need yes or no answers to, so I can decide to sign off or not, I won't take another "maybe" for an answer because I am a trauma victim, and was raped. I want close contact with my child during the first year of her life because I'm scared of something happening to her. I don't know if I can add more trauma and give her up to them. Because being separated from your baby is traumatic, there is no way around that. You have to grieve a loss. I've already grieved so much and I don't feel peace about it.... She is my everything and I love her and it will shatter me to let her go. I just don't know what to say to them.... I'm so torn between wanting what is best for my child and wanting what is best for both of us. 
  • edited February 1
    Additionally I have told them why I wanted to name my child - the two names means God is Enough and Reborn. This baby has lead me back to Christ and the adoptive father is a minister. I don't understand why they won't name it that... It breaks my heart that they don't think my name is good enough and I feel as though none of my wishes will be honored if they can't honor my desire to name my precious baby something so divine. It's not a bad name either... I think it's quite beautiful and is an expression of the journey she's been on. I have even thought of compromising and having her middle name be What I want.... NO REPLY. They haven't said anything on what they will name her, but I feel I will not get to call her what I want and my heart is broken. Help?
  • @singlemommanbean I'm so sorry that this has been difficult for you. It sounds to me like you want to parent, have you explored your options for making that decision? At the very least it seems obvious that the adoptive family does not fit your adoption plan. Are you working with an agency or attorney that you can reach out to to explore your options? 
    Me: 28 Husby: 32
    Married May 2014
    TTC #1 Since April 2015
    Currently pursuing domestic infant adoption

    Our journey so far...
    (tw loss)
    Diagnosis: Poor Egg Quality 
    Working with an RE since March 2016
    2 failed TI cycles
    3 failed IUI cycles

    IVF Feb - April 2017
    23 eggs collected, 20 mature, 14 fertilized with ICSI, 4 day 3 blasts, 3 day 5 blasts, 1 PGS normal
    Transferred 1 PGS normal embryo 4.12.17
    BFP 4.21.17
    MMC due to small gestational sac 6.8.17



    britters314
  • @singlemommanbean I wish you so much to be at peace with your choice in whatever you choose for the family to raise your baby. Are there resources from the agency that you can use to work through your trauma? Even the open adoption process will be traumatic after you’ve built such a close desire to do right by your baby. I hope you can find good resources to focus on that so that when it does come time to rely on an adoptive family to make parenting decisions without you, you can trust that your baby will be taken care of.
    Married 8/12
    MC 4/15
    BFP 10/10/16



    Babysizer Geeky Pregnancy Tracker
    tamalahoops
  • edited February 1
    {decided to delete this}
  • Also there is some help for trauma of the birth mothers SPECIFICALLY to loosing your child, but I have more trauma that is already in my past. Lots and lots of trauma. I have lost loved ones, baby daddy abandoned me, I had addiction problems before I was pregnant, and was abused. Don't think I can handle one more loss, or death in the family even at the moment. I don't think I'm a good candidate to be a birth mother...
  • @singlemommanbean - I feel like you need to reach out to the right people - whoever you are all working with -asking a forum of people wishing and hoping to adopt as you are conflicted in giving your precious baby girl up Is not the right people to ask - of course we are going to say - go with the option that your heart says - but in reality there are people who at this point still believe they are going to be parents - how sad - they have no idea you are conflicted - you should connect with them / I know that if I was in there situation I would rather know how serious it is than to never know you were conflicted - and you went towards adoption for a reason - of course you can change your mind - but something stood out to you about them - seek your answers with the right people
    soehlerkAnnieR81
  • edited February 1
    I have been honest and told them I am conflicted so the adoptive couple does know. I also know that this forum is for adoptive parents and so I am posting on a "Birth Parents" string instead. Trying to get advice from people besides agencies. Y'all are the only other people out here for us birth mothers so it's a little unfair that I have genuine concerns and want to ask people who are educated in adoption how I should navigate through this. Sorry if feelings were hurt but every birth mother is conflicted in what she should do as she is journeying through this. Maybe I can give some of you ladies a sneak peak at what a birth mom is thinking. Idk I'm just seeking advice... Sorry to offend or not use this as it was intended. I just am struggling, and quite lonely.
    lizerspitzRoscoeTGoatt
  • I personally think it's totally fine for an expectant mom to post here. On the birth mom thread. Or anywhere else on the adoption board. This board is not just for adoptive parents and I think the feelings of everyone in the adoptive triad are important and need to be heard. It's the reality of adoption that most expectant moms will choose to parent. This is a good thing. If the child is going to be safe and cared for, they should not have to suffer the trauma and loss of their birth family simply because another couple is infertile. I think it's pretty unfair to only allow expectant moms to post about their sacrifice and not their struggle. 

    @singlemommanbean I hope that you are able to find the resources to parent if that's what you decide is the best option. The hopeful adoptive parents will no doubt be heartbroken, but they will find their baby eventually. There are lots of places where you can get free counseling, I would highly recommend seeking that out for your past trauma. 



    Me: 28 Husby: 32
    Married May 2014
    TTC #1 Since April 2015
    Currently pursuing domestic infant adoption

    Our journey so far...
    (tw loss)
    Diagnosis: Poor Egg Quality 
    Working with an RE since March 2016
    2 failed TI cycles
    3 failed IUI cycles

    IVF Feb - April 2017
    23 eggs collected, 20 mature, 14 fertilized with ICSI, 4 day 3 blasts, 3 day 5 blasts, 1 PGS normal
    Transferred 1 PGS normal embryo 4.12.17
    BFP 4.21.17
    MMC due to small gestational sac 6.8.17



    lizerspitzAnnieR81RoscoeTGoattbritters314
  • I completely agree - I did not see that you told the family your concerns - of course you are welcome to post on here it’s a public forum And you should never feel alone - I was just hoping you are not going to be persuaded by a forum but I agree you should seek some support especially because you have been through traumatic events 
  • As I reread my post I could have definitely worded it differently - meaning to reach out to people who can support you meaning social workers or people who can help you seek what your heart wants either raising your baby girl or seeking a family don’t feel like you shouldn’t post because you should 
    tamalahoops
  • Thank you guys, I am currently looking for resources and the adoptive family still loves me and told me all along they knew that this might happen. I just am really struggling with the thought of never seeing her again and missing all the milestones of her life. I have deeply loved her and can't imagine letting her go after what I went through. I hope that I can be a good mom for her. I don't think there's much free Counciling for me, my situation is looking like I may keep her. Several family members have offered to help me. Thanks for the support. My social worker quit her job so the reason I was posting so much was because I had nobody to help answer my questions and was getting increasingly anxious and indecisive about my decision... I got a new caseworker who evaluated me and advised I keep my baby after I had a very emotional week alone with my thoughts. Now I'm joining the single mothers page, since the father left me as soon as I told him I was pregnant. Wish me luck...
  • @singlemommanbean Good luck! Glad you are able to find the support you need. Ultimately, you have to be happy with whatever decision is made. That is important for everyone involved including your little girl.
    tamalahoops
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