PGAL (Pregnant After Loss) Check In Week of 11/26

SmashJam

Hey all! Starting for selfish reasons today, stole the format from June.

This is a check in for those who are experiencing pregnancy after loss. This could be due to miscarriage/child loss/abortion, and others I may have not thought of.

Let me know if I should add anything, it occurs to me that maybe I should put something in here about our loss stories just in case the Rainbow Babies thread was too daunting, but unsure how to word it, so feel free to share in any section and I can add it next time if people want.

Also,  I think there is a general trigger warning here, so don't  feel the need to trigger warning your posts about loss. Please let me know if other things are typically included in this intro or if anything should be added. I seriously cannot find the original PGAL thread. LOL.

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

4. When is your next appointment?

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

SmashJam

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 5 +3

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) Ok. Nauseous every morning, kinda crampy at night. Peeing all the time and constant dry mouth.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) . My daughter's birthday and date of passing is coming up. It's about 3 weeks away. Drove to an airport today in the same city as the hospital she was airlifted to and had a moment. At this moment, I am extremely anxious about the weeks leading up to those times. I waffle back and forth between thinking I will be fine and not being able to fathom it, and today is just the latter.

I'm also anxious about how we told people so early. I was full of false bravado at the time, thinking, "I will not stress and trust that its in God's hands." Today, since I am not in a great headspace, that seems crazy, but I can't take it back. Now, if something happens, I have to tell people that and I don't want to cause them pain.

4. When is your next appointment? Haven't had my first yet. Dec 4, but likely won't get the ultrasound til my appointment with another hospital on the 22nd. So a long way until confirmation. I am thinking about calling my old midwives group and seeing if they will give me an ultrasound just to keep me from losing my shit-but I doubt they would.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here). My hubs is gone for the week at a conference. Having my son alone all day is nothing new...I do it all the time! But it will be hard not having the down time at night. Raves: I wrote the word nauseous twice in this thread without spell checking it because I spelled it wrong. Screw that word.

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from May) I still make sandwiches with my breakfast foods (bacon, eggs, taters all go on the toast) and my blanket from when I was born is legit still in my bed.

comealongponds

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 6+4 today. Loss milestone on Wednesday, trying not to think about it.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) Vaguely nauseated on occasion. Decided today I'm done pumping. I feel guilty but I've been chained to a pump for 14m and I'd like my boobs to myself for five minutes before this next baby stakes his/her claim.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) Surprisingly calm actually. I think I used up my freakout quota when I passed that mega clot and was convinced it was over  

4. When is your next appointment? US next Tuesday to check SCH and for dating. Seeing my GP on Thursday  

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) I'm so happy to be done pumping. I exceeded my goal by two months so I'm pretty thrilled

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Hm this is a tough one. Probably bubble baths!

christycalifornia

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

8 weeks, 4 days 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

So freaking sick. Which is a relief in a lot of ways. I posted in the other loss thread two nights ago that I had spotting and was freaking out, then yesterday I was almost symptom-free, which you know what those two in conjunction do to pgal brain. Today MS is back with a vengeance, keeping me in the bathroom and sick from both ends. I’ve thrown up everything I’ve eaten today. Which is reassuring, to be sure, but dang. I could do with less reassurance.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

Better, now that I'm sick off my butt. 

4. When is your next appointment?

I don't know. I need to call and schedule with my new midwife. I haven't formally picked the person who will hopefully deliver this baby, and I'm calling for an appointment tomorrow. 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Biting my nails. I stop for a while but always go back. 

smashjam lol I can’t spell nauseous either. I can’t actually spell for crap. I used to tell my students “I teach English, not spelling!”

wildtot

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

According to recent scan i would be 6+6 today.  Milestone: I’m not bleeding as much as i did with my son. 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Feeling super sick after breakfast. No vomit but super nauseous and bloated with no appetite. So exhausted. 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

Anxious from the spotting i had a few days ago gonna call my doc tomorrow to see if they’ll see me sooner to check my SCH.

4. When is your next appointment?

Scheduled Dec 11 but hopefully sooner.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

DH is gone for training till Wednesday and I’m looking forward to having the bed to myself!!

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Being a morning person ugh i hate it but can’t help it no matter how exhausted i am.

stlmegs

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

8 weeks, 4 days. My loss happened at around 9.5 weeks so this next week and a half might be rough for me

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Exhausted and nauseous every once in a while. My boobs still hurt and still have food aversions/cravings 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise)

Not good. I was in the ER Friday night because I had some bleeding. Luckily, baby was ok and had a strong heartbeat, but was measuring a week and 2 days behind. So now I’m very nervous about that. They also did blood work and they said my hcg looked really good (77,000 ish), so I’m trying to live the “I’m pregnant today” mantra. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I will know more tomorrow evening. But yes, so nervous....

4. When is your next appointment?

Tomorrow. Ultrasound followed by appt with my OB 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

I love my son more than anything but it is so hard to keep a 5 year old boy entertained when all you want to do is sleep/lay around.....

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Loving Halloween! I thought I would grow up and pick a more adult holiday as my favorite but nope, it’s still my favorite! Added bonus, this year I got my BFP on my favorite day! 

wildtot

@comealongponds wow your a trooper to pump that long! I only made it to 5 months because it was making my anxiety worse. Hat comes off to you!

comealongponds

wildtot said:

@comealongponds wow your a trooper to pump that long! I only made it to 5 months because it was making my anxiety worse. Hat comes off to you!

Thanks! I'm very stubborn 

ETA: and luckily didn't run into too many issues!

acunamatada

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

8+3

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

I'm just getting over a cold, while I was sick my symptoms weren't bad aside from exhaustion. Lately I've been getting nauseous, but pretty much normal otherwise.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

Okay. I know it's in the right spot, but now I'm worried about all things PGAL and overanalyzing every twinge. I've been extra crampy at night which is taking a shot at the blind hope I'm trying to ride on.

4. When is your next appointment?

Friday morning, I'll be 9+1. I'm REALLY hoping they'll try the Doppler and take me out of this headspin.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

I'm mostly ragey about work right now. I work in an emergency shelter for women (DV victims) and all day these women have been letting there children roam around getting into trouble. I've stopped one from climbing on a windowsill, another from playing with dirty mop water, stopped another from feeding his brother crayons. It goes on and on. We're not allowed to scold the children and I have zero desire to do this outside of my house, so instead I find myself having to tell grown ass women to WATCH YOUR KIDS. ALL DAY LONG.

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t? 

Lets see, I still have two of my baby blankets, and one I got when I was maybe 6.

I mix my Thanksgiving food all together into a Thanksgiving mush- its delicious.

I still get excited when there's a wild animal really close to me, even squirrels- I'm endlessly mocked by DH for that one. 

ariel8200

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 4W5D. I am going to schedule my first appointment tomorrow.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) Fatigue, a little bit of nausea, a little bit of heartburn, sore boobs.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) More than I'd like to admit.  I have an ache in my bottom right side, which is most likely a cyst, but my mind can't stop going to the worst possible scenario. 

4. When is your next appointment? To be scheduled.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) As said above, I am just a ball of nerves right now. I didn't think my loss would effect me (blighted ovum, 12/2015), but I was oh so wrong. 

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Probably cracking my knuckles. Such a bad habit.

bdesterhouse

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

7 w 3 d

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Was doing pretty good, today I’ve had stomach pains, a head ache from hell, and nausea. I’ve been pretty useless this weekend and I feel kind of bad for it.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

Eh depends on the day, hour, and minute. My husband try’s to keep me distracted so I can’t think about my anxiety.

4. When is your next appointment?

Ultrasound tomorrow to hopefully see the baby. Fingers crossed for a heart beat. 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

I’m really hoping I get a nice ultrasound tech tomorrow. 
6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t? 

The Sims video computer game. I don’t play it as much, but still love it.

amylu914

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

8w4d. We saw the heartbeat last week which didn't happen with my loss, so my milestone is behind me.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) I came down with an awful stomach bug yesterday. The worst of it seems to have passed, today just feels like the normal MS I have had but amped up a little bit. 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

I've actually been more anxious since my appt last week, which I wasn't expecting. I was measuring behind wherd I thoughy I was, which I can rationalize based on dates, but still something that's sticking in the back of my mind. Also, I wish we had heard the heartbeat instead of just seeing it. I'm also anxious about this virus. I was not able to keep down fluids at all for over 24 hours and I'm hoping it didn't hurt the baby.

4. When is your next appointment?

Dec 18th

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

My parents are the best. They kept DS this weekend so I could rest and keep him out of germ zone. Now I am just hoping DH doesn't get it. 

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?

Eating peanut butter and jelly burritos. My dad used to make them all the time when I was little and it's still one of my favorite things to eat. It sounds gross but it's so delicious!

acunamatada

comealongponds said:
*snip*
GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Hm this is a tough one. Probably bubble baths!

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR BUBBLE BATHS 

amylu914

@SmashJam sending lots of love your way these next few weeks. Give yourself the liberty to feel whatever you want to feel and do whatever you want to do to get through it!

@comealongponds congrats on pumping that long! Were you exclusively pumping? Seriously impressive. 

@christycalifornia I've been sick in both directions too, but I'm fairly certain I had a bug. I hope you feel better soon! 

@wildtot FX you can get in sooner and get some reassurance. 

@stlmegs sending all the positive thoughts your way for your ultrasound tomorrow. 

comealongponds

@amylu914 yes EPing. My boys were preemies and sucked at transferring milk and it was too exhausting to breastfeed-bottle feed- pump for two so I cut a step. 

SmashJam

@acunamatada yay another blanket person! lol I also love wild animals and get stoked when they are close...for me it wild turkeys, I always get excited when I see them and I'm driving.

christycalifornia

acunamatada said:

comealongponds said:
*snip*
GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Hm this is a tough one. Probably bubble baths!

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR BUBBLE BATHS 

I was gonna say this. Lush 4 Lyfe!!!

comealongponds

christycalifornia said:

acunamatada said:

comealongponds said:
*snip*
GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Hm this is a tough one. Probably bubble baths!

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR BUBBLE BATHS 

I was gonna say this. Lush 4 Lyfe!!!

Good because I have one like every day lol

christycalifornia

@amylu914 I was afraid the bug was back, because my daughter and I both had it early last week. But this pregnancy it's been a regular problem for me. Last time I was constantly constipated, this time it's 180 degrees opposite. It's so weird how different being sick feels when it's a bug vs morning sickness. I can totally tell the difference, and honestly I prefer the bug.  

stlmegs

comealongponds said:

christycalifornia said:

acunamatada said:

comealongponds said:
*snip*
GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) Hm this is a tough one. Probably bubble baths!

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR BUBBLE BATHS 

I was gonna say this. Lush 4 Lyfe!!!

Good because I have one like every day lol

I took a bath for the first time in a long time last night and it  and it was pretty amazing. I don’t know why I don’t do it more often!

elizabethrn87

 1- I’m 5 weeks and 2 days I believe 

2- mild/ moderate nausea, fatigue, insomnia, sore breasts.

3- my most recent loss was a partial molar pregnancy- good heart rate at 8 weeks and then loss at 9 weeks. So I am struggling to stay positive until I get genetic testing back since partial molar can continue until 19 weeks. I hate that hearing the heart beat should be relief but for me it isn’t.

4- Friday December 1st for sono then appointment. 

5- daycare costs are making me frustrated!!! This was an unplanned pregnancy and we can not afford $1600 for daycare a month. Went to see if we qualified for aid and we make $400 to much. Sucks being the group that is lost in the middle. 

6- 

stlmegs

Thank you @amylu914! It’s so nice to have people in your corner 

amylu914

@christycalifornia ugh, hopefully it's just a first tri thing for you!

SmashJam

@elizabethrn87 I hear ya on daycare. Where I used to work it was somewhat more affordable (read: two kids was less than my paycheck and I paid for health insurance) but when I made the decision to not go back to that job, daycare in the town we moved to would be more than my income and paying for insurance by about $100. Insane. 

@amylu914 thank you for that. I think I am going to have to give myself some grace this coming month!

@comealongponds that is amazing re: the pumping! I cried when I had to pump. It was a huge source of anxiety for me because I wasn't producing a lot. Also you have a lot coming up this week! Will keep you in my T&P and hope you make it through ok!

@stlmegs and @bdesterhouse hugs to you both and I hope all goes well tomorrow at your ultrasounds!

wildtot

@elizabethrn87 seriously that daycare cost is insane! For my son we gave in for the first two months at 1400 which was the same as our rent. Since we moved we were lucky to find a sitter for 150/wk. He’s been going to her since he was 5 months. I’m not sure if we’ll do her for #2 since it’s all older kids now but i wouldn’t want to go back to over 1k/month for care. I looking into some nanny sharing around my neighborhood right now.

christycalifornia

@bdesterhouse can't wait to see your babe!

@stlmegs I hope tomorrow eases your anxiety, that's not a fun place to live. And I'm glad you're still pregnant today.

indulgentgypsy

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

8w4d I am past 1 of my losses. Now I need to pass 9 weeks, 11 weeks, and 13 weeks.

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Weirdly timed "morning sickness" nausea. From about 9-3 every day if I eat, don't eat, whatever. And my boobs grew a solid cup size this week so now I'm between a D and a DD so none of my bras fit.

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

The anxiety is hard. PGAL brain sucks. And I hate I have at least another month before I'll feel good.

4. When is your next appointment?

December 6th, I had to move it to after payday so I could pay for the plane. But I think it will be goid. All of my losses except for the one I had at 6 weeks were MAC that happened between 8 and 9 weeks, but my body didn't get the message for a bit longer. My next appointment is an ultrasound at 10 weeks. Hopefully that will help me mentally.

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

I've spent all of my thanksgiving break having more sex with my husband than ever before in our lives. It has been awesome. I want more.

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Crying at cartoons maybe? I never really thought I would grow out of anything.

bdesterhouse

@AKFarmerBecky might be a dumb question and/or too personal, but what will happen when you go into labor? Do they fly you out or are home births the way villages handle babies? I’ve always been curious since Alaska isn’t like the rest of the states.can you get quick flights out as long as the weather is good?

indulgentgypsy

@bdesterhouse most women fly to the regional hubs where they have hospital facilities and go to "prematernal" housing a few weeks before their due date. 

I will need to schedule a csection. At the moment I'm not sure if that is going to mean flying to the hub or flying to Anchorage to a real hospital. I know for advanced testing my doctor sends patients to Anchorage so I'm hoping to be able to schedule that when I have to be there for a conference so my school district pays for my flights.

bdesterhouse

Since flying is really the only way to travel quickly, I assume it gets speedy? It’s not like Uber or a taxi $30 one way ?? again please excuse my ignorance- I enjoy learning new things. 

Edit: bump app posted too soon.

indulgentgypsy

One way from my village to the "city" hub is $115. Spendy real quick. When the river freezes I can probably find someone with a truck to drive me for $50-60. But that means a 1.5hr drive.

SmashJam

@AKFarmerBecky whenever I think I live in a rural area, there is Alaska to slap me back to reality! lol. I was wondering all the things @bdesterhouse asked.

Mack2342

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 5w3d   I have US this Friday   My first loss I found out at US at 10wks and the last one I found at US at 8 wks   So I’m really nervous and hopeful for Friday 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Sore boobs tired and some nausea but not bad.  I’m hopeful that’s a good sign.  For me I had very little symptom with my first pregnancy which resulted in healthy son. With both of my losses I was very sick 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) most of the time I’m ok and feeling hopeful that things will go well   However last night I woke up in panic about upcoming US   

4. When is your next appointment? FRIDAY 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) I thought I would grow out of being super excited about Christmas.  I haven’t I just love that Holiday 

adventuresawait1

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 8 weeks, 5 days. Two weeks past my loss and saw the baby and heartbeat last week, so feeling encouraged  

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) Very tired, a little queasy, a lot of food aversions. 

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) Paranoid that I "cooked" the baby with the slight fever I got from a stomach bug this weekend. But I did take Tylenol and presumaby all is well.

4. When is your next appointment? Two weeks for some testing, 3 weeks for next regular appt  

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

So great to see my family for Thanksgiving, but finding it hard to forgive my sister for not waiting 24 hrs after she and her daughter had a stomach bug to come to my parents' house. They got us all sick and it was horrible.

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) I thought I had grown out of getting absorbed in books. But realized recently I just hadn't been making time for reading. Now my husband is getting a glimpse of how into books I can get...

adventuresawait1

@amylu914 Sounds like we had similar stomach bugs. Ugh. Hope you're back fo 100%. Are you in NY? The 914 caught my eye. Live in DC but still have a 914 area code. 

cseley321

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 6 weeks 1 day

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) constipation and hemorrhoids... woooo

3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) i am trying to stay optimistic. The next US is this thursday where they will check for a heartbeat. I am so nervous, but optimistic 

4. When is your next appointment? This Thursday 

5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here) we are going out to buy an SUV today... I really wanted to wait until 2nd trimester or later though, but my husband is gung ho about it

6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June) video games

amylu914

@adventuresawait1 I'm finally feeling back to normal today. Never thought I'd be happy to just have morning sickness, haha.

The 914 represents my wedding anniversary, we were married on Sept 14th 

limoncat

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

5 weeks, 7 days

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Some heartburn and mild nausea, but I had much stronger symptoms with my son so I am super nervous.
3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

Pretty anxious, since I don't feel pregnant. I am not very tired, and even the nausea is so so mild. 
4. When is your next appointment?

December 12
5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

I am thankful that I am not completely exhausted as it allows me to keep up with my 2 year old, but I just want to feel pregnant so I can stop freaking out. Also December 12 can't come soon enough.
6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Facebook. Wanting french fries all the time. 

adventuresawait1

@amylu914 haha yeah, seriously! And aww re: your wedding anniversary. So cute to have that in there. 

AnnaReid81

1. How far along are you? Any milestones? 

6 weeks, 4 days 

2. How are you feeling (pregnancy symptoms) 

Some heartburn--significant nausea as of this weekend. 

 
3. How are you feeling (anxiety wise) 

CRAZY anxious! I started spotting last week,  and even though my numbers went up appropriately, I can't help but panic every time I use the restroom. The nausea is kind of comforting, even though I feel like junk. I'm getting blood work done again today,  but what I really want is any ultrasound. My doctor is in tomorrow, so I'm crossing my fingers that when she reads my charts, she'll order one. 
4. When is your next appointment?

December 19
5. Rants/raves/whatever (Dear diary posts and venting are welcome and encouraged here)

Every time we've miscarried (2 times in the past), my doctor's been out of town, so if course i would start spotting on a holiday week where she is gone. Im just axiously waiting for her to get back ( shes absolutely amazing, and she always returns her patient's calls). 
6. GTKY- What did you think you would grow out of but haven’t?  (stolen from June)

Compulsively googling things,  even though I know that never helps in these types of situations.

wildtot

Guess i have to ride out this spotting and cramping till my appointment. Doc doesn’t sound concerned since it’s not red. But I’ll be calling later this week to see if they get any cancellations for next week i can take. I started more cramping today.