I’m new to this- Intro *loss mentioned* — The Bump

I’m new to this- Intro *loss mentioned*

In recent weeks I’ve found myself extremely lonely in my journey to having a child.  DH and I have been trying for two years and four months to conceive.  I started out super excited because I just knew I would get pregnant on the first try.  With that excitement came nervousness that my sisters would hate me- the two of them also suffer from infertility for many more years than me (this isn’t their story but both have since adopted this year and are over the moon. Both of them have PCOS, but I do not) and I just knew I would get pregnant easily despite my only having one ovary (appendix ruptured when I was 5 and infection spread causing them to have to remove my right ovary).  God has had other plans and has brought me to this journey of infertility- part of me believes it’s so my relationship with my sisters could be strengthened through being able to empathize with their struggles.  So I’m wondering why I suddenly feel like a burden and don’t  want to talk to anyone close to me about the pain in my heart.  Perhaps I don’t want to knock them off their new baby high.  Maybe it’s the only thing on my mind every single second and people not going through it can get tired of me obsessing over it.  I may just be tired of hearing about how if I just stopped thinking and stressing about it then it would happen.  

I am 30 years old and DH is 33.  We started TTC a few months after marriage and a few months in, I noticed my cycles were not normal since stopping BCP.  The doctor decided I was not ovulating consistently and we tried Clomid.  My levels were good with clomid and tests indicated that I was ovulating with it.  I had a normal HSG so my tube was good.  Then we tried clomid and IUI which failed.  The doctor suggested that we should see a RE and that we wouldn’t do any more clomid after that month- cycle 6 with clomid.

We went and spoke to the RE last December while on my last round of clomid.  The RE looked at my medical history which included my lack of right ovary due to appendix rupturing and decided I must have too much scar tissue inside me to get pregnant.  My RE said IVF would be my only option.  I just needed to wait until my period started to get some blood work done to make sure my hormone levels were normal.  My period never came.  *TW* I got pregnant that cycle and was over the moon during the two week wait for my first ultra sound.  In week 6, I had a miscarriage.  I was a mother and then suddenly I lost my child.  It was the worst time of my life mentally, physically, and emotionally.  No one except DH knew about the pregnancy because we wanted to surprise everyone with the good news.  The doctor took a week to confirm the miscarriage so I experienced it without support from anyone other than DH (who did a great job caring for me, but he isn’t my mom or sisters who would give me the support I needed).  We still want future pregnancy to be a surprise for other people around us which is another reason for feeling like I can’t talk about my cycles too much with others.  I am thankful I got to experience being a mother for the two weeks I knew about the baby, but there will forever be a hole in my heart.  *end TW*

So I was back to square one.  I doubted my RE since he was wrongly convinced I could not get pregnant without IVF.  DH and I gave up doctors for a few months until this cycle.  I went back last month and asked to try other fertility medications.  The RE put me on Femara and I took my Ovidryl shot today! I’m so hopeful that this cycle will be the one, but every month I feel the same way- so excited, hopeful, anxious and worried then so let down.  

Anyone out there have words of wisdom with dealing with loss, femara, loneliness, or anything else.  I would love to get to know more of your stories and hope I can be a good listener/ responder for others. 


Re: I’m new to this- Intro *loss mentioned*

  • Firstly, sorry for your loss.

    I don't know your relationship with your sisters, but I personally would do backflips to help support my sister if she had to go through IF as well. I am sure they would be a great source of knowledge.

    Regarding the scar tissue, it can affect your ability to become and stay pregnant. With that being said, I never trust a doctor who is so quick to give you an ONLY option. With IF there are so many factors..

    TW- back to scar tissue.. My first MC was around 8 weeks and then I had 3 additional early MCs (they were all around 4-6 weeks) before I saw a RE. The first thing he did was remove the scar tissue during my hystetoscopy as he felt that may have caused the MCs that followed.

    Welcome to the board and best of luck to you!

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    One thing that really struck me about your post was at the end when you mentioned loneliness. My IVF clinic offers counselling and in speaking to them they have said that the one emotion most women state they experience during IF is being lonely. No matter how amazing our partners are, it's impossible for them to really feel what we are going through. It can just feel like we're in a big chasm and there's no-one there to help. But please know that you are not alone. I've found a lot of help from reading through many of the member stories here - but it would be best if you could talk to someone openly about how you are feeling.

    I agree with @Crystal321, that I can't know how you get on with your sisters, but they can understand - more than most - what it is you are dealing with. You can be happy for their new families while still being upset for your own situation. (*TW I also suffered a m/c earlier this year after many years of IF and I just found out that my brother is expecting their 3rd child - due the same week I was. They didn't tell anyone until his wife was almost 25wks - possibly to share me some hurt, which is very kind, but then I felt bad that I was impacting on their joy. Sometimes we can all end up walking on eggshells by trying not to upset anyone, but all we end up doing is bottling up our hurt, when talking openly can be of so much comfort. It is ok for you to be sad when they are happy. *end TW)

    If you felt up to it maybe you could ask them to go for a coffee with the suggestion that you need to talk about something stressful? (similar to giving a TW here). Or perhaps you would consider a counselling session either - sometimes talking to a complete stranger can be easier as you don't have to worry about upsetting them.

    I really wish you the best in the weeks and months to come. You did get a BFP - so as you say - your RE was wrong xxx

    I'm new to this board too so I feel weird welcoming you - but Welcome!!! Here's hoping you get some great results this month x
    **History in Spoiler**
    Me 39, DH 40
    Married Oct 2010, TTC ~7yrs
    Seeing RE since Spring 2013
    Clomid - no response
    Letrozole (6 months) 2015 
    Laperoscopy/Hysteroscopy in 2015
    Puregon injectibles + trigger x5 in 2016 - all BFN
    Started IVF March 2017 - 25 follies, 9 eggs, 3 fertilised, 1 survived-> frozen due to hyper stimulation of ovaries
    FET May 16th 2017, BFP May 27th 2017, m/c @ 9wks
    IVF #2 February 2018 - 16 eggs, 8 fertilised, 3 frozen embabies
    Awaiting FET April 2018 - cancelled (cyst)
    FET May 2018, BFP June 2nd 2018, m/c @ 8wks
    FET October 2018 - BFN
    Final FET - late November 2018

  • haleykp87haleykp87
    10 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited November 2017

    @Crystal321 Thank you for your words of encouragement.  My sisters and I have a very strong relationship and I know they are here for me.  I just need to open a line of communication.  It's so silly at this point to want to surprise them if I get pregnant.  I think at some point, it's more important to have the support through the whole process instead of being so private. 

    I am sorry for your losses as well.  It's just sucks. 

    The RE offered to look into the scar tissue, but was worried that it would just add more scar tissue to go in, and that in the end, IVF would probably be my only option.  He left it up to me, but seemed so sure.  I did feel like his was pushing IVF on me, but have since realized he was just pushing the route with my best chances to conceive- which is why I have returned to him.  I am glad he is willing to work with me with medication until I am ready to try IVF. 

  • @roisis It's funny how the world works, I got a message from an acquaintance I have met a few times and recently spoke to briefly at a party this past weekend.  She is going through IF as well, and reached out to me.  We had dinner last night and we both were able to speak freely and openly.  It was definitely therapeutic.  She also helped me realize it's so important to share our journey with others for support. I agree with your advice about a counselor, it is something I should look into. 

    I am sorry for your loss as well.  We are not alone, and I am glad to have found this message board. 

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