In recent weeks I’ve found myself extremely lonely in my journey to having a child. DH and I have been trying for two years and four months to conceive. I started out super excited because I just knew I would get pregnant on the first try. With that excitement came nervousness that my sisters would hate me- the two of them also suffer from infertility for many more years than me (this isn’t their story but both have since adopted this year and are over the moon. Both of them have PCOS, but I do not) and I just knew I would get pregnant easily despite my only having one ovary (appendix ruptured when I was 5 and infection spread causing them to have to remove my right ovary). God has had other plans and has brought me to this journey of infertility- part of me believes it’s so my relationship with my sisters could be strengthened through being able to empathize with their struggles. So I’m wondering why I suddenly feel like a burden and don’t want to talk to anyone close to me about the pain in my heart. Perhaps I don’t want to knock them off their new baby high. Maybe it’s the only thing on my mind every single second and people not going through it can get tired of me obsessing over it. I may just be tired of hearing about how if I just stopped thinking and stressing about it then it would happen.
I am 30 years old and DH is 33. We started TTC a few months after marriage and a few months in, I noticed my cycles were not normal since stopping BCP. The doctor decided I was not ovulating consistently and we tried Clomid. My levels were good with clomid and tests indicated that I was ovulating with it. I had a normal HSG so my tube was good. Then we tried clomid and IUI which failed. The doctor suggested that we should see a RE and that we wouldn’t do any more clomid after that month- cycle 6 with clomid.
We went and spoke to the RE last December while on my last round of clomid. The RE looked at my medical history which included my lack of right ovary due to appendix rupturing and decided I must have too much scar tissue inside me to get pregnant. My RE said IVF would be my only option. I just needed to wait until my period started to get some blood work done to make sure my hormone levels were normal. My period never came. *TW* I got pregnant that cycle and was over the moon during the two week wait for my first ultra sound. In week 6, I had a miscarriage. I was a mother and then suddenly I lost my child. It was the worst time of my life mentally, physically, and emotionally. No one except DH knew about the pregnancy because we wanted to surprise everyone with the good news. The doctor took a week to confirm the miscarriage so I experienced it without support from anyone other than DH (who did a great job caring for me, but he isn’t my mom or sisters who would give me the support I needed). We still want future pregnancy to be a surprise for other people around us which is another reason for feeling like I can’t talk about my cycles too much with others. I am thankful I got to experience being a mother for the two weeks I knew about the baby, but there will forever be a hole in my heart. *end TW*
So I was back to square one. I doubted my RE since he was wrongly convinced I could not get pregnant without IVF. DH and I gave up doctors for a few months until this cycle. I went back last month and asked to try other fertility medications. The RE put me on Femara and I took my Ovidryl shot today! I’m so hopeful that this cycle will be the one, but every month I feel the same way- so excited, hopeful, anxious and worried then so let down.
Anyone out there have words of wisdom with dealing with loss, femara, loneliness, or anything else. I would love to get to know more of your stories and hope I can be a good listener/ responder for others.