FFFC (10/13)

notaknottie912

Its not about not being sympathetic to others, its about prioritizing your own ability to feel happy no matter what kind of dark clouds looms.

My friend got married not long after my exhuband abandonned me (3days after i found out i was pregnant, and in a foreign country, mind you) and it did kill me inside. Shes been one of my best friend for years, and i declined to be one of her bridesmaids because the pain was too much to bare. It was her day, not mine, and she deserved to be as happy as she wanted to be. Now, several years later, i am more saddened by the fact i let my emotions prevent me from making a wonderful memory with my friend. 

I had a pregnancy loss with my husband before we got married as well. I really didnt expect that to be the reason that he would run away considering we had discussed having children ( we were going to try to have 2, but given my health history i was unsure of how it would work. Apparently tamoxifen for breast cancer also has fertility treatment uses and i thought perhaps the cancer drugs were the only reason i had gotten pregnant at all.)

With having to have a bifrontal craniotomy, and facial reconstructive surgery on my nose and soft palate to get rid of the tumors, to the two liver tumors i have currently, to everytime someone says "mmm that smells good" when food is cooking, to having to use sign language to communicate most effectively because tumors on my vocal chords have damaged my ability  to talk, I dont go around being offended by people living life and enjoying it. My demons are my own, i share them when necessary but i dont let that blind me from the color coming in. I apologize, i am on mobile and my typing on this device sucks. I also cannot see any signatures. Ive had to learn to be unapologetically happy with my own decisions for my own survival, so what kind of TW do people like me need? 

notaknottie912

No one was saying "Its not about you, its about me" to anyones face. To expect @cupcakeforme to not announce her pregnancy normally, as people do, because they have had a loss is silly. That is all. Not flaunting. Just being a happy normal pregnant person living a happy normal life.

PatientlyWaiting10

Not to continue to beat a dead horse, @cupcakesforme did say that.  Here's a screenshot.  


And this is what she was replying to....

krash_

**Removed for TOU violation**

doxiemoxie212

I just don't really understand the logic of expecting the people in your life to be happy for you 100% of the time when you don't seem to have respect for their feelings in the slightest? 

notaknottie912

It is a 2 way street but unfortunately depressed people have a hard time seeing things like that. That their own sensitivities make other people walk on eggshells even in group situations. They dont have to be happy for me if i am happy but they should allow me to be happy and not feel guilt for circumstances I cannot control.

Poppy0419

It's not even ignorance at this point. It's a level of immaturity to think the world revolves around you. 

TW: I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. It started at work and everyone knew about it. End TW. 

One of the young and immature girls got randomly knocked up and tried to whine to me about her morning sickness/pain/etc. I continued to tell her that I wasn't the person who wanted to hear it and she didn't care. It ripped like a knife every time she tried to whine about a pregnancy that id give anything to have.

Compassion and empathy go a LONG WAY. No one says you can't be happy. Or that you cant be excited. Or you can't enjoy your pregnancies. Just don't rub it in the face of a mom struggling. Because those wounds turn into scars that don't fade.  

doxiemoxie212

@notaknottie912 no one is asking you to walk on egg shells. I put my signature in a spoiler ONE TIME. It took 30 seconds. It took just as long to put it in a spoiler as to create a signature at all. It costs me nothing. Are TWs potentially stupid because we're all gluttons for punishment and we'll keep reading anyway? Sure. But it potentially saves someone else some heartache, or at the very least shows them that I'm trying. Just the act of trying can be so helpful for someone going through something hard. Is anyone here implying pregnant women should hide their bumps IRL? No. Is anyone implying you should never tell friends who have gone through a loss or IF that you're pregnant? No. They're saying maybe send a text message first so that your friend can deal with it in her own time. Let her know you understand if she needs a little bit of time. Give her some space to gracefully muster up the strength to be happy for you so that you don't damage a relationship with someone you care about. SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT! 

Why do we keep getting in situations on this board where I feel like, "I just don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people"?? 

icecubeinthedesert

+1 to everything @doxiemoxie212 said. And I'll leave it at that.

notaknottie912

@Poppy0419 its absolutely inappropriate to continue to discuss something when someone had said it bothers them. No one disgreed. No one was rubbing anything in anyones face,  but a bunch of people looking to be offended will take casual comments about major life events however they want i suppose.

zamoraspin

First of all, we have kind of an incredible number of loss moms on this particular BMB. That is so sad but I also hope we can support each other through the difficulties of PGAL. 

To those who are anti-TW: TW loss -  I respected and understood what a TW was, but I never understood what it was like to be triggered until I had my first mc. Babies, pregnant women, ultrasounds, made me sob. I did not WANT to feel that way, I was a captive to my own feelings and I would have given anything to turn it off, but I couldn't. I frankly don't want to be friends with anyone IRL or here who lacks the ability to have empathy for others. Part of empathy on this forum is putting a trigger warnings on triggering material. It's not hard. Being sad for yourself does not mean you are a sad sac who can't be happy for others - but it does mean your feelings are as deserving of respect as those who have happy feelings. end TW

icecubeinthedesert

notaknottie912 said:

@Poppy0419 its absolutely inappropriate to continue to discuss something when someone had said it bothers them. No one disgreed. No one was rubbing anything in anyones face,  but a bunch of people looking to be offended will take casual comments about major life events however they want i suppose.

@notaknottie912, except many many people have expressed that this current discussion bothers them, and you continue to discuss how we are "depressed" and "sensitive". 

 notaknottie912 said:

It is a 2 way street but unfortunately depressed people have a hard time seeing things like that. That their own sensitivities make other people walk on eggshells even in group situations. They dont have to be happy for me if i am happy but they should allow me to be happy and not feel guilt for circumstances I cannot control.

momlyfe29

I have been fortunate enough to *knock on wood* not experience a loss. But it pains me for those moms to have. I appreciate the TW because shoot these things are sad. So I can only imagine what the moms feel like who have experienced a loss and I think it’s selfish for people to not respect it. 

notaknottie912

**Removed for TOU violation**

zamoraspin

**Removed for TOU violation**

Man. 



Don't worry, I'm sure many of us will be practicing the use of the ignore button on you. 

bjkay22

LURKER:

I just want to say, for what it’s worth, especially when lurking on other boards, I believe this forum is supposed to be safe place, which to me means different rules than IRL. OBVIOUSLY you can’t put a TW on everything in real life but for instance on TTGP, it was the culture to include TW or spoilers on anything mentioning kids or pregnancy because many of those women were going through an emotional situation and that was their safe place. I think that in the situation that we are in on these forums TW and spoilers are part of the culture because they are supposed to be safe spaces. Just sayin’ 

kiki75

notaknottie912 said:

Its not about not being sympathetic to others, its about prioritizing your own ability to feel happy no matter what kind of dark clouds looms.

My friend got married not long after my exhuband abandonned me (3days after i found out i was pregnant, and in a foreign country, mind you) and it did kill me inside. Shes been one of my best friend for years, and i declined to be one of her bridesmaids because the pain was too much to bare. It was her day, not mine, and she deserved to be as happy as she wanted to be. Now, several years later, i am more saddened by the fact i let my emotions prevent me from making a wonderful memory with my friend. 

I had a pregnancy loss with my husband before we got married as well. I really didnt expect that to be the reason that he would run away considering we had discussed having children ( we were going to try to have 2, but given my health history i was unsure of how it would work. Apparently tamoxifen for breast cancer also has fertility treatment uses and i thought perhaps the cancer drugs were the only reason i had gotten pregnant at all.)

With having to have a bifrontal craniotomy, and facial reconstructive surgery on my nose and soft palate to get rid of the tumors, to the two liver tumors i have currently, to everytime someone says "mmm that smells good" when food is cooking, to having to use sign language to communicate most effectively because tumors on my vocal chords have damaged my ability  to talk, I dont go around being offended by people living life and enjoying it. My demons are my own, i share them when necessary but i dont let that blind me from the color coming in. I apologize, i am on mobile and my typing on this device sucks. I also cannot see any signatures. Ive had to learn to be unapologetically happy with my own decisions for my own survival, so what kind of TW do people like me need? 

notaknottie912 said:

No one was saying "Its not about you, its about me" to anyones face. To expect @cupcakeforme to not announce her pregnancy normally, as people do, because they have had a loss is silly. That is all. Not flaunting. Just being a happy normal pregnant person living a happy normal life.

notaknottie912 said:

It is a 2 way street but unfortunately depressed people have a hard time seeing things like that. That their own sensitivities make other people walk on eggshells even in group situations. They dont have to be happy for me if i am happy but they should allow me to be happy and not feel guilt for circumstances I cannot control.

notaknottie912 said:

@Poppy0419 its absolutely inappropriate to continue to discuss something when someone had said it bothers them. No one disgreed. No one was rubbing anything in anyones face,  but a bunch of people looking to be offended will take casual comments about major life events however they want i suppose.

**Removed for TOU violation**

notaknottie912 said:

I too am of the idea that life doesnt come with "tw" alerts infront of every traumatic thing in life. And to expect people to not be excited about their life because yours is painful is equally selfish. Everyone has a story. Avoiding sensitive topics because they bother you is kinda wussy IMO

notaknottie912 said:

I have experienced all sorts of loss. Pregnancy loss, loss of families, loss of my senses, permanent disability, etc. Its not insensitive to be happy with your own life. I agree you shouldnt "rub it in other's faces" but being able to celebrate other people's successes is a very important part of healing emotionally on your own journey.

My best friend lost her baby 2 days before her scheduled csection and still had to have a csection for her baby while i was 5 months pregnant. And guess what, she was still genuinely happy for me and my baby when she came around. Enabling her to live in a fantasy world where people stop having babies would actually be bad for her, said by her counsellor and psychiatrist after her devastating loss. 

notaknottie912 said:

Everything in life can be a trigger in life. Holding hands happily with your partner. Wearing a push up bra. Walking on two legs. Talking vocally to people around you. Wearing nice clothes. Going to work. Proclaiming to be at family get togethers. From someone who has experienced a LOT of loss, it seems ridiculous to expect the entire world to avoid subjects and basically withdraw from engaging you in their lives because it MIGHT upset you. That sure is isolating,  and dark and scary in itself.

QFP.

Here's a short video that might help you be better people if you'll let it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

krash_

crossfitbabybump

Bye unicorn.

Miz_Liz

*TW Loss Mentioned* @notaknottie912 While that is fantastic for you that you are able to deal with all of the tough cards that have been dealt to you, not everyone is able to shrug off life's punches quite so easily.  You are right that there are no TW IRL, but that is because MOST people exercise judgement when they are talking to people IRL about sensitive subjects.  MOST people know who they are talking to and tread lightly depending on the subject matter being discussed.  That being said, I can tell you that not ALL people have this common sense IRL either.  When I suffered my MC, I was going to the lab regularly to have my bloodwork done to make sure that my levels went back down to zero.  It said in big letters at the top of my paperwork why I was there and that I had miscarried.  You know what the girl taking my blood decided to do the whole time?  Tell me allllllll about her pregnancy and how she was feeling at 15 weeks...how her back was already aching...how tired she was....how excited she was....I even cut her off after a bit and said, "I lost the baby," because I was TRYING to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't really that dumb to be telling me all about her pregnancy as I am having blood drawn after losing mine.  Nope, she was THAT DUMB.  Kept going about it.  So in my utter state of shock and disgust I was as polite as possible, got out of there as fast as I could, and then I bawled the entire way home.  My point to this whole long ramble is I think she was genuinely naive/ignorant enough to think that I wanted to hear about her pregnancy.  I think she honestly thought I was genuinely happy for her as she rambled on about names she liked and names she didn't like.  I was screaming inside.  I was dying inside.  I was hurting like heck inside.  So while you may think people are "genuinely happy" IRL when they hear about someone else's pregnancy after a loss, you may be VERY wrong.  I am sure that they are not wishing ill upon them or wanting them to lose their baby, but I can assure you that they are not all genuinely happy because they are still hurting.  So maybe TW's IRL would be helpful for some that just can't grasp that concept either.  Maybe if the whole world could show others compassion the world would be a better place.  

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