Weekly Questions (w/o Sunday Oct 8)

Dashaina

Hey there lovely ladies! 

You've got questions and we've got answers! 

Shout out those questions below! 

ffw0617

I have questions, I'm numbering for ease in case someone has the answer to one but not all.
1. What does TW mean I did not see it on the abbreviation's list?
2. Anyone else starting to feel like a liar around friends regarding the pregnancy? My friend ask me yesterday if I wanted to workout with her and her bf (whose a body builder) and I just changed the subject bc I had just said I was going to the gym before she asked.
3. I've read several articles/blogs on the subject but I'd like some non-blog opinions, how & when should you tell a friend who suffered a loss you're pregnant?
4. This one is a more personal issue regarding announcing the pregnancy (albeit this won't happen for another 6 weeks): I'm the only married friend, the first to get engaged, the first to get pregnant, the first to get a house, everyday I listen to my close (and even best friend) complain about their long term boy friends not proposing and not being ready to make moves in the relationship. I am also the youngest friend by more than 2 years. Literally, I told my friends my cousin (whose 5 years younger than me) was pregnant (she's also married already) and 2 them got upset and said that they feel like they are never going to have a family. I'm afraid telling my friends, while they will be happy for me, will just be another thing for them to be upset about with their relationships. I even asked DH if one bf was planning on proposing soon because I want my friends to have some good news and be satisfied with the progress in their relationship. DH seems to think I'm worrying to much about how other people would feel. Am I?

marcus7676

Running out the door but TW means trigger warning. Usually used when talking about losses or other potentially triggering subjects. 

ffw0617

@marcus7676 thank you. 

icecubeinthedesert

@ffw0617, Re: your question about telling a loss friend. Text message is usually the best way to go. This gives her the opportunity to have her own feels in private and come back when she's ready to be happy for you. 

Miz_Liz

icecubeinthedesert said:

@ffw0617, Re: your question about telling a loss friend. Text message is usually the best way to go. This gives her the opportunity to have her own feels in private and come back when she's ready to be happy for you. 

This.  There aren't many occassions in life when it is politer to do things via text or email vs. in person - but this is one of the times when it's best so as she said, they can have their own space to digest it and react however they want/need to react.  

ffw0617

TW
@icecubeinthedesert thank you. also when? I've read you don't want them to feel like you've told them last but since we have so many mutual friends I'm trying to figure out when exactly (first? somewhere in the middle?). I have 2 friends. One the MC was just last month, its her 3rd (no births). I was there with her the entire time at the hospital and after. I feel like it will be too early for her no matter when I tell her. The other suffered a loss early this year. And I just feel wrong telling her via text bc she went out of her way to tell me she was PG we went on a hike and she waited until we were at the top, half way down it started raining so I ran to get the car while she waited under a tree bc I didn't want her running down a hill pregnant. But I understand circumstances are different now. We are also neighbors (like literally she lives one block away).

PatientlyWaiting10

@ffw0617  Those topics are really hard.  I kind of agree with the text message but at the same time, it kind of depends on your friend and your relationship.  If you do text, I would definitely explain why you're texting and preface it with how you wanted to respect her emotions and that you understand how this could be difficult to hear.  If a really good, close friend, I think you could meet in person and tell her.  If she knew you were trying, if you were, then she won't be as caught off guard, hopefully.  I've had both happen before we had DD and I think it stings either way, regardless.  Some of my friendships aren't the same and that's hard.  

It's also really difficult to have friends in different stages of life!  Our best friends have children that are older.  They can stay home alone, they can help themselves, they are independent.  They always say, just get a sitter, but it's not that easy.  I don't really have any advice, just sayin' that I feel your pain.  

doxiemoxie212

@ffw0617 re: your friend group............uh, in all honesty, they might not continue being your close friends. I got married earlier than a lot of my friends, and DH certainly got married a lot earlier than any of his friends, and while we never got into fights with our friends who are still single, we also don't hang out with them that much anymore. They don't want to do the things we want to do (sit in one of our apts and drink wine), and we don't want to do the things they want to do (go to bars/clubs until 4am and get wasted). We have a lot more in common with our friends who are in couples, either living together, engaged or married. It was never intentional for it to turn out that way, but it was a natural shift. I think having kids is another natural shift that can slowly affect relationships with people; hopefully it won't, but if there's a lot of jealousy or if you end up feeling like they don't "get it," relationships fade out. But I think it's okay because other relationships will fade in. And if you're meant to have people in your lives, I think you'll come back together at some point. I get why you're worried, but I think you'll just have to take it as it comes. It's your life. 

PatientlyWaiting10

For you working moms:  How much maternity leave do you get/take?  

icecubeinthedesert

@ffw0617, I wouldn't wait long after telling other friends that she could hear it from first. Before might be even better, because it shows you're thinking about her feelings. Maybe tell her in text, and suggest going out to lunch if she feels up to it, but make sure she knows there's no pressure there.

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 I agree completely. None of my friend want to do that stuff (clubbing, etc), the thing is they actually want to settle down, be married and start a family. The hold up is bothering them more so than changes in my life. Crazy thing is none of my friends are single, except one. All the rest have been in relationships with the same guy for at least 3 years (or more).
@PatientlyWaiting10 they actually didn't know we were TTC. Because this is both (DH & I) first pregnancy and I've never been on BC we didn't really know how long it would take to get PG. All these years thinking we are just masters of NFP and it could have just been infertility. Plus we didn't want anyone rushing us. We didn't tell anyone.

ffw0617

@icecubeinthedesert I like that idea. thanks

@PatientlyWaiting10 funny you asked I checked the procedures and its not actually in writing. I remember when I got hired he mentioned "we have all the benefits big law firms have: blah blah blah maternity leave blah blah." But its not actually written down anywhere. Our goal (me & DH) is to save 4 months of my income (enough to pay 6 months of our bills) so that I can stay home for 6 months. My husband is self employed so in addition to me staying home with baby, I'll help him with his business (which also saves him money bc he doesn't that's one less person he has to pay for help). His busy season is late Aug through late Nov. Which lines up perfectly with our EDD and the 6 months.

doxiemoxie212

PatientlyWaiting10 said:

For you working moms:  How much maternity leave do you get/take?  

I quit my job to go back to school/freelance in January, so zero/all? But if I'd stayed at my previous job I would've gotten 12 weeks paid, and I would have taken an additional 12 weeks unpaid (because that's standard at that agency). DH gets one month paid. 

icecubeinthedesert

@PatientlyWaiting10, I get 6 weeks short term disability at 60 or 70% my normal income (8 weeks if C-section), and a total of 12 weeks unpaid FMLA (will coincide with the STD). I can use any vacation or sick leave to supplement for pay, but won't extend my time off. So max of 12weeks.

sunshineandwhiskey

icecubeinthedesert said:

@PatientlyWaiting10, I get 6 weeks short term disability at 60 or 70% my normal income (8 weeks if C-section), and a total of 12 weeks unpaid FMLA (will coincide with the STD). I can use any vacation or sick leave to supplement for pay, but won't extend my time off. So max of 12weeks.

Same.  With my last one, though, she was a July baby and i didn't qualify for short term disability.  I still got the 12 weeks FMLA, but had to use all my sick days instead.  Needless to say I went back early, even with a C-Section

ffw0617

I actually would love to get a different job with better benefits and normal hours. My medical here sucks. I suspect each pregnancy visit will cost around $200 in co-pays, especially if there is blood work done. Under my current insurance sonogram to look at my fibroid before TTC were $151, blood work to look at 2 hormones was $50. IDK if its cheaper when your PG but I'm anticipating the worst. Also my hours are horrible. We have mandatory 10 hour days (salaried). At this point a gov't 9-5 would be ideal. I just know it takes forever to get those jobs.

kmurdock925

same as @icecubeinthedesert - 6 week STD (I buy in for 100% pay), "10 days of baby bonding time" but if I remember from my last baby the first 5 days of that has to be taken out of my short term? - I just remember feeling like I got jipped of 5 days, and up to 12 weeks unpaid for FMLA and i'll be taking every last minute I can.  I work at a fortune 100 company.

krash_

@ffw0617 $200??? Total??? If I'm reading that correctly, that is amazingly cheap and I wouldn't be complaining at all! Are you in the US? 

ETA: just read each pg visit. Got it! I'm not all there yet this morning. 

MH and I have been saving in our HSA for the last year and a half for the likely $1500-3000 cost of L&D with insurance and that's for a delivery without any complications. 

doxiemoxie212

@ffw0617 what's your deductible?

ffw0617

@krashke no $200 each dr visit. L&D will probably be about $3,000.

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 $3,000 per individual but $5,000 for the two of us. (hope that makes sense)

doxiemoxie212

@ffw0617 so then once you hit that deductible, shouldn't the amount you pay per visit reduce? Maybe this is a different situation, I obviously don't know your insurance, but I've spent the last 6 months trying to explain this to DH. He was really mad because he went to the doctor in March, and it was like $1000 for a small procedure, but now we've hit our deductible, so I had to push him and push him to get him to go back to the doctor before our insurance resets since it will now be "free." 

If your insurance works how ours does, luckily giving birth in June is good insurance wise since you'll probably hit the deductible before birth (as opposed to giving birth in, say, January or February). 

Or is it not deductibles that matter but yearly maximums for L&D cost? I think my deductible is like $2500 but my yearly max is like $4000? 

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 co-pays don't count towards the deductible. We'll see how the PG goes, maybe we will maybe we won't I can't get DH to go to the doctor at all, like EVER. So just having him on my insurance feels like a waste of money. So it'll just be me eating away at the deductible.

PatientlyWaiting10

@ffw0617 Ugh, that's a pain.  I really do not like trying to figure out all of the insurance stuff...we're still paying on our DS from June '16.  He was in the Special Care nursery for 6 days and some of the stuff was covered in network and some of the doctors were out of network.  It's so confusing to me...  

chocomom2

I have been continuing to do an elliptical workout that I was doing prior to getting pregnant but I am feeling more light-headed now. I just do 30 min and my heart rate stays around 150. Thoughts? 

Also, are there any exercises I should definitely avoid? I do some weight machines but mostly legs and arms for now.

ffw0617

@chocomom2 I'm not an expert but my suggestion is to stick to 30 minutes. Remember there are dangers in overheating too but just the exercise it self.

Yesterday I did a higher intensity 5 minutes on the stair climber to get warmed up. I stretch and walked for 30 minutes afterwards.

doxiemoxie212

@chocomom2 I think most doctors recommend being cognizant of your heart rate/temperature but to feel comfortable to continue any exercise you did pre-pregnancy (with the exception of things like snowboarding where you might seriously fall and injure yourself). Doctors these days are generally more worried about pregnant women not exercising than over exercising. Just listen to your body, don't push through something that feels too intense, drink a lot of water, and if you need to sit down, sit down.

chocomom2

 @doxiemoxie212 @ffw0617 Thanks! Yeah it is more the light-headedness that worries me. Two days in a row... maybe I should try more protein before I work out? I dunno. 

bkrahn

icecubeinthedesert said:

@ffw0617, Re: your question about telling a loss friend. Text message is usually the best way to go. This gives her the opportunity to have her own feels in private and come back when she's ready to be happy for you. 

exactly this. 

bkrahn

@ffw0617 I feel like there's never really a great time to deliver news like this. *TW* Earlier this year, my SIL lost her baby at 15 weeks. They asked my MIL to deliver the news to us. We were so heartbroken for them. 3 days later, we found out that we were expecting (to our knowledge we couldn't conceive naturally, so this was a HUGE surprise to us!) we wanted to respect their time of grieving, and so we decided to wait a few weeks before telling them. We told them over text message, and honestly, we've barely heard from them since. They chose to take their hurt out on us, and reacted with a lot of anger. I know everyone grieves differently, and I definitely did not expect them to be happy for us.. but they chose to push us away. A few weeks later we lost our baby, too. They tried to repair what was broken with us, but I was so hurt by the way they treated us in those few weeks leading up to our loss. They said a lot of hurtful, untrue things about us to family members.. they chose to miss our daughters first birthday. I know their actions were driven by the hurt they still felt from their own loss, I now understand what it's like to feel that way. But it's a hard thing to come back from. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you need to prepare yourself for whatever reaction they may choose to have. And let them feel what they need to feel. Give them space & time to sort through it. There's not much else to do. 

Miz_Liz

@chocomom2 are you drinking enough water while you are exercising?  Maybe try drinking more than you typically would.  I would continue to exercise as the other ladies have said - but maybe try a lower level or slower pace for a few days to see if that helps?  If you are still getting light headed you may just want to check with your OB to be safe.  

chocomom2

Thanks. @Miz_Liz Yes I think so... I am drinking about 25 oz while working out. 

chocomom2

@bkrahnI'm sorry for your loss and for the added drama and stress that your SIL contributed. Good advice. 

ffw0617

@bkrahn sorry for your lost and thanks for sharing

guys, IDK how to feel doctor office just called (I have blood work on Friday) she's putting me on progestin and moving my appointment up 2 weeks. HCG was good but progesterone was "borderline." I'm super worried, especially since that was Friday, what if it dropped even more over the weekend. Anyone else been perscribed this? What was the result?

ffw0617

ETA *had blood work on friday

doxiemoxie212

@ffw0617 what were your progesterone levels?

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 not sure it was over the phone. 

doxiemoxie212

@ffw0617 maybe call back and ask? Different doctors have different measures and it'll be easier to assess where you fall on the scale if you have the number. 

ffw0617

@doxiemoxie212 yeah. I'm a wreck honestly. I keep thinking what if its too late.

PatientlyWaiting10

ffw0617 said:

@doxiemoxie212 yeah. I'm a wreck honestly. I keep thinking what if its too late.

Don't think that way.  My levels were borderline too so I started on Prometrium (oral progesterone supplement) and just had a repeat blood test today.  Don't know the results yet...  FX all is good!!  And I agree with
@doxiemoxie212, find out where your levels were at.  Everyone is so different though and everyone's body's handle things differently so all of our numbers could be totally different and bring different outcomes.