Should my brother's wedding come before TTC? (trigger warning)

Timbitvader

Hey Ladies,

I don't know if this has come up on any other discussions here but I need some advice. My husband have been TTC off and on over the last year. We had two very early miscarriages so we haven't been trying fully until this last late spring because I was dealing with emotions that came with loosing those to pregnancies. My issue comes in with my brother and his girlfriend. They are planning to get engaged this fall (they aren't engaged yet) and they want to get married next summer (likely early July but have made no definite plans) and they want to have a destination wedding. Up until now my husband and I have felt that until they are officially engaged and are making actual plans that we should be able to keep ttc. My mom was supportive of that until recently and now she's putting more pressure on to wait until sometime next year if we don't get pregnant this month because other wise we may not be able to be at my brother's wedding. I'm feeling slightly stressed to say the least. We feel this is the right time to add to our family again but he's my only brother. I just don't know what to do and would love some input from you all. Thanks . 

Dilynne

Timbitvader said:

Hey Ladies,

I don't know if this has come up on any other discussions here but I need some advice. My husband have been TTC off and on over the last year. We had two very early miscarriages so we haven't been trying fully until this last late spring because I was dealing with emotions that came with loosing those to pregnancies. My issue comes in with my brother and his girlfriend. They are planning to get engaged this fall (they aren't engaged yet) and they want to get married next summer (likely early July but have made no definite plans) and they want to have a destination wedding. Up until now my husband and I have felt that until they are officially engaged and are making actual plans that we should be able to keep ttc. My mom was supportive of that until recently and now she's putting more pressure on to wait until sometime next year if we don't get pregnant this month because other wise we may not be able to be at my brother's wedding. I'm feeling slightly stressed to say the least. We feel this is the right time to add to our family again but he's my only brother. I just don't know what to do and would love some input from you all. Thanks . 

QFP

RVAmom315

First of all, I'm very sorry for your losses.
Secondly, please introduce yourself in the newbie thread and participate in the board. We'll invest in your journey if you invest in ours. 
Thirdly, there are many women on here who would love a baby any day, week, year, during major events and non major events. Hopefully it won't happen to you, but for some women, they wish they had started sooner, not put it off, etc, because here they are years later, and still working towards their dream.
I'd say it's your life, if you want to keep TTC do it, because you don't know what's going to happen (and they are not even engaged yet). 

josie12367

Um, this is a very personal decision, and I don't really think we can help you much. Most of us have been trying for a bit to get pregnant as well, and I think we would likely give up just about anything for those double lines on a test. So to each their own....but I wouldn't stop TTC for nothing.

And/Also, I'm so sorry for your losses, but please add "Trigger Warning" to the title of your post, and before mentioning your losses. It helps protect the others on this forum who have also had losses. If you do choose to hang around here on your TTC journey, an introduction on the Newbie Thread would be appreciated so we can get to know you, and a read through of the "READ FIRST" thread will help answer a lot of questions about this community

Good luck with your decision...

laurad75

@Timbitvader I'm very sorry for your losses.  I definitely encourage you to introduce yourself on the newbie thread and join the daily discussions where questions like this come up a lot.  Good luck and we hope you choice to join our community.  

Timbitvader

Sorry I haven't really used this site much and I'm not fully sure how to find the newbie thread never mind introduce myself (it took me a while just to figure out how to make this discussion). Sorry I didn't think to do that first. Also I'm sorry about not leaving a trigger warning at the top. I didn't know to do that either. I don't really expect anyone to give me the answer here. I just feel selfish wanting to put TTC over my brother's wedding and I know that my family apart from my husband will think I am if I do put it first. 

nitnat007

@Timbitvader Very sorry for your losses.
As the other ladies have said and I agree with, I think this is a decision only you can make. From my own experience, you do not know what the future holds, how long it may take you to conceive etc. It is your life and your body, so whatever that means for you to be able to look back and have no regrets, do that. Good luck with whatever you decide to do though. 

Below is the Newbie guide link:

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12685680/the-ultimate-ttgp-guide-newbies-read-this-first#latest 

tamalahoops

@Timbitvader don't put ttc on hold if you don't want to. Those that love you should be excited if you were to conceive, even if it means you miss a wedding. My brother is recently engaged and no one would ever expect me to delay my own life to make time for his.

I am so sorry for your loss.  

zamoraspin

I'm sorry for your losses, OP. You've already gotten some good advice and ultimately we can't tell you what to do with your own body. If it were me, no, I wouldn't plan TTC around the yet to be booked wedding of two people who are not yet engaged. 

crossfitbabybump

*Lurking*

So sorry for your loss OP but these ladies are right. Don't put your life on hold. Your family will be thrilled when it happens! Good luck!

lalala2004

You aren't being selfish. Anyone who wants you to put growing your family ahead of a party is being selfish. Yes, a wedding is an important event, but anyone who had a destination wedding has to realize that people might not be able to attend for legitimate reasons, even if they are close family. That's the risk they take. And to ask you to put TTC on hold when they aren't even engaged? That's next level ridiculous. What if they break up? You would have wasted a ton of time for nothing. 

I know the board doesn't encourage stand alone posts, but this topic comes up enough that I think it's worth reiterating occasionally that trying to put TTC on hold for anything other than personal reasons is an extremely UO here. Your body, your family, your choice. No one should feel outside pressure to put TTC on hold, especially not for a hypothetical future event.

Saratiff

so I'm kind of in the same boat as my sister is getting married next august and she lives in Colorado and we are in Connecticut but like others said, You can't put your life on hold for the what ifs. This also means my sister has not asked me to be bridesmaid because I may not be there. Which is fine with me. My sisters would never put their lives on hold for me so clearly I am not for them. My sister knows we are trying and outside of the baby I would be there for her. I do not expect her to put off planning her wedding because I'm trying to get pregnant and if the situation were reversed I would hope she feels the same way.

dpjennifer

Honestly, with 2 MC's under your belt, and a year of trying off and on, I wouldn't stop TTC. Who knows how long the next one will take to conceive (assuming there is a next one), and who knows if that one will also end in a MC. Plus you said your brother's wedding plans still aren't set in stone. They're THINKING about a destination wedding and THINKING about getting engaged this fall and married next summer. Honestly, I'd say your TTC with possible Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is more important than ambiguous future plans that others are considering. But, as others have said, it's completely your choice.

holly321

Maybe I am dense, but why can't you take the baby to the possible destination wedding?  

wannabeamongoose

*lurking* and also maybe a little dense but...

Also why can't you go to the wedding pregnant? I had two women travel to my wedding from out of state when they were super pregnant. One was a brides maid. She was 32 weeks pregnant. It was no big deal. And if she had said at the last minute that she couldn't come, it would have been totally fine. I really don't understand people asking you to put your own life on hold. I can't imagine ever asking anyone I love to do that for me.

Timbitvader

A lot of airlines won't let you fly is you are 35 weeks and some if you're in your 3rd trimester. I wouldn't wait until after his wedding to TTC again I would just have to wait until the new year sometime so that I wouldn't be too pregnant to fly. Thanks for all the input. It's just been a hard decision for me because my brother and I are close and when I got married he was so amazing to me and so I feel torn because I don't want to seem unsupportive to him. Right now I think we are going to keep trying at least until they are engaged and see what their plans seem to be and also how we feel. I think what has been hard for me is also the pressure from my mom and others who just seem to be assuming that we will put his wedding above another baby. To them I think they just don't think it's a big deal to wait 4 months to try again but for me I feels like a big deal because it hasn't been happening and I would then wonder what if it would have happened for us then. 

RVAmom315

@Timbitvader If your brother and you are as close as you say you are, I do not think he would view you as being unsupportive, I would think that he would be excited about this new chapter in your life and the prospect of becoming an uncle (again?). 

purplepelican

*lurking*

@Timbitvader I don't think you should plan TTC around your brother's wedding when he isn't even engaged yet. Most people, even close family, don't plan their weddings around the schedules of other people. I don't think you should be asked to plan your pregnancy around a wedding. 

Would he forego a destination wedding so that you could be there, or would he have the wedding earlier or later so that you could be there? Those might be options to explore with him if you being there is going to make or break the day for him. 

Edited because I changed my mind about what I said and felt like I was being too harsh.

sapphiredays

*also lurking* 

Your mother needs to take a flying leap and shut up. The only people who have any say into the plans of your uterus are you, your husband and your doctor. It is no one else's business. I'm sorry for your losses and please continue TTC if that's what you and your husband want. There's a lot of unknowns still in your brothers plans. 

And if you end up having to miss his wedding, that's hard but it's not the end of the world. You can absolutely celebrate and support him in other ways. It's only one day vs a lifetime of a child. And baby always trumps party. 

[Deleted User]

Welcome, OP.
I am going to sound harsh, but this subject does come up fairly regularly it seems.  A quick TTGP search of, "wedding postpone," for example, shows multiple old threads on the exact same topic.  A few have even gotten zombified bc a poster wanted so badly to resurrect the topic all over again.
<div class="Quote"><img alt="" src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/b2/7wond6hwgbeq.jpg"></div><div class="Quote"><img alt="" src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/st/txuukyw5e5f0.jpg"></div><div class="Quote"><img alt="" src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/f5/v1dqscjklh7z.jpg"><b></b></div>TTGP is a community of members at various stages of trying, and as such, we have agreed not to do one-off AW posts like this.  If you lurk, read the newbie guides, intro on the newbie intro thread and join the dailies, you'll see what we mean, and get a better feel for how we do. This kind of question would be *perfectly* appropriate for the "rants/raves" or "questions" sections of the daily tww/wto threads.

I know your situation feels very critical and stressful to you right now, but you are not a unique special snowflake with a unique special problem.  You're just like the rest of us.  The answer will always be the same - do what feels best to you, and is right for you, your family, your partner.  No one's else can tell you what that means, but suffice it to say, there's <i>practically no one here</i> who is going to advise you to put off TTC for someone else's wedding. Least of all for someone who is NOT EVEN ENGAGED YET!!!
<img alt="" src="https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/4e/w6nk9yzuutmc.gif">
Maybe I'm missing something, but I find this whole thread pretty irritating/aggravating.

LURK, Pls.

par_mach_kai

*lurking*

Even if your brother gets engaged, it's not 100% that he will get married. Or married on the date they plan. What if they wait until the next fall or spring and then you would have waited for nothing and then made to wait some more... I would never put my life on hold for this kind of thing. Your mom is crazy for suggesting otherwise and I'm surprised that your brother is so interested in the state of your uterus. 

Timbitvader

@BusinessWife You're right that was harsh. Thanks for making me feel like a complete idiot and loser.  If this post was so annoying to you why bother reading it or even drafting such a long comment? I'm sorry that I don't understand all the apparent "rules" of this group. I am still currently trying to make friends in the current city I am living in and don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. I thought maybe I could find some support here. I wasn't aware that there was a newbie guide or that you all were so close knit and that I was just jumping in where I wasn't welcome. 

And believe me I don't think I am a "special snowflake". I didn't think that my problem was new or that I was the only person who ever had it, I was just looking for other women who know how it feels and maybe find some community. You don't know what I'm dealing with or the struggles I have, and to just say I am being a bother to you and this group is hurtful. There have been some on here who have been very kind and I'm grateful to them. But if there are people who are so hard on people in this group I think I will pass and try to find someplace else to connect with other women (which I doubt will be disappointing to you). 

MLS6212

Timbitvader said:

@BusinessWife You're right that was harsh. Thanks for making me feel like a complete idiot and loser.  If this post was so annoying to you why bother reading it or even drafting such a long comment? I'm sorry that I don't understand all the apparent "rules" of this group. I am still currently trying to make friends in the current city I am living in and don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. I thought maybe I could find some support here. I wasn't aware that there was a newbie guide or that you all were so close knit and that I was just jumping in where I wasn't welcome. 

And believe me I don't think I am a "special snowflake". I didn't think that my problem was new or that I was the only person who ever had it, I was just looking for other women who know how it feels and maybe find some community. You don't know what I'm dealing with or the struggles I have, and to just say I am being a bother to you and this group is hurtful. There have been some on here who have been very kind and I'm grateful to them. But if there are people who are so hard on people in this group I think I will pass and try to find someplace else to connect with other women (which I doubt will be disappointing to you).   I did feel taken aback by your reply but I understand the need for organization and give-and-take within a community. I apologize for posting something that has been asked before. I was unaware of the community rules, but I will take a few moments to acclimate myself to the group. Then I will begin participating by offering support to others in exchange for your interest in my journey. This approach might also help me make friends in my new city. Thanks!

FTFY.

zamoraspin

@Timbitvader Ok. Look. You were told, very nicely, that we don't really like one-off posts. Despite that, you actually received tons and tons of good advice. Do not impugn the kindness of @BusinessWife. She is a longstanding member of this community who has been kind and supportive to the ever changing constellation of posters who have come through here while she and her H go through hell and back to have their first baby. If you bothered to read ANYTHING here other than your own self-centered thread you would know that. 

zamoraspin

Timbitvader said:

@BusinessWife You're right that was harsh. Thanks for making me feel like a complete idiot and loser.  If this post was so annoying to you why bother reading it or even drafting such a long comment? I'm sorry that I don't understand all the apparent "rules" of this group. I am still currently trying to make friends in the current city I am living in and don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. I thought maybe I could find some support here. I wasn't aware that there was a newbie guide or that you all were so close knit and that I was just jumping in where I wasn't welcome. 

And believe me I don't think I am a "special snowflake". I didn't think that my problem was new or that I was the only person who ever had it, I was just looking for other women who know how it feels and maybe find some community. You don't know what I'm dealing with or the struggles I have, and to just say I am being a bother to you and this group is hurtful. There have been some on here who have been very kind and I'm grateful to them. But if there are people who are so hard on people in this group I think I will pass and try to find someplace else to connect with other women (which I doubt will be disappointing to you). 

Also, QFP. 

looeeze

*lurking*

Timbitvader said:

@BusinessWife You're right that was harsh. Thanks for making me feel like a complete idiot and loser.  If this post was so annoying to you why bother reading it or even drafting such a long comment? I'm sorry that I don't understand all the apparent "rules" of this group. I am still currently trying to make friends in the current city I am living in and don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. I thought maybe I could find some support here. I wasn't aware that there was a newbie guide or that you all were so close knit and that I was just jumping in where I wasn't welcome.

It's literally the first post at the top of this group. It's nobody's fault but your own that you chose to scroll past it without reading. 

Also your brother isn't even engaged yet. This whole question is ridiculous. 

Timbitvader

I am sorry that I did a one off post. I didn't know that that was so frowned upon or so annoying to everyone. I don't post on forums often so I don't know all the rules. I know that many people told me nicely they didn't like the one offs but by that point I had already posted it and there's no way for me to take it down. I wasn't aware that by posting a question on this forum that I was being a "self centred" person. I would have loved to have gotten to know people on here and would have loved to have supported others but at the moment I am feeling very un-welcomed. I know that I got a lot of kind answers from some on here and I said that in my previous comment. I am thankful to those who took the time to kindly talk to me. 

Also I don't know what the little things like QFP or FTFW mean. 

Timbitvader

@looeeze I'm sorry I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to ask for myself. I was looking for some people to talk to and interact with. I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to start my own discussion. 

MLS6212

Timbitvader said:

I am sorry that I did a one off post. I didn't know that that was so frowned upon or so annoying to everyone. I don't post on forums often so I don't know all the rules. I know that many people told me nicely they didn't like the one offs but by that point I had already posted it and there's no way for me to take it down. I wasn't aware that by posting a question on this forum that I was being a "self centred" person. I would have loved to have gotten to know people on here and would have loved to have supported others but at the moment I am feeling very un-welcomed. I know that I got a lot of kind answers from some on here and I said that in my previous comment. I am thankful to those who took the time to kindly talk to me. 

Also I don't know what the little things like QFP or FTFW mean. 

My bad. It was supposed to be FTFY, which means Fixed That For You.

lulu1180

Timbitvader said:

@looeeze I'm sorry I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to ask for myself. I was looking for some people to talk to and interact with. I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to start my own discussion. 

If you had lurked, it would have been very clear.  The key to joining in any forum is lurking!  That being said, I urge you to stay here.  Read the pinned posts, intro on the weekly thread, join in on the daily WTO/TWW posts.  The ladies here are generally pretty amazing.  And if people like my friend @BusinessWife seem just a bit harsh, it's because we see too many people posting and treating this board like Google.  It gets frustrating when you're here over a year and see that so much!  Seriously though, this is an amazing community, please join in the fun!

Timbitvader

I don't even know what things like "lurking" mean. This one of the first forums I've posted on. I don't usually post on forums so I didn't realize there was a way to do things. 

sandbar517

*lurking* 
@Timbitvader A few people have explained it already.  Go to the top posts in the list that say **READ THIS FIRST** and then read it.  It explains the "rules" of this board, gives a list of abbreviations, and will let you know the best way to go about introducing yourself.  Start there.  

lulu1180

Timbitvader said:

I don't even know what things like "lurking" mean. This one of the first forums I've posted on. I don't usually post on forums so I didn't realize there was a way to do things. 

Lurking means you read the posts on the board without actually posting yourself.  You can get a good feel for what the community is like and whether or not you think you would truly be a good fit for the board

Timbitvader

Honestly I'm just so tired. On top of trying for another baby and not getting pregnant, my daughter is getting two year molars and is up half the night in pain which is hard for all of us. It's hard for her and it's hard for my husband and I when we aren't getting much sleep. And then having pressure from family about my brother when I am already feeling overwhelmed and wiped has been just another added stress. So I'm sorry that in my foggy state of mind that I haven't done things correctly. I'm not used to the sleep deprivation again and it's getting to me. I didn't mean to miss previous post or offend people. I'm just trying to deal with things the best I can and I thought talking to people here would help. 

spottedginger

*lurker*

@Timbitvader I think that you know that the bump forums have a certain decorum and you should know about lurking 
tw

Because if I remember correctly, you were a poster in D15. Yup. Looks like you posted about not wanting to travel for Christmas with a newborn. Similar situation. Put yourself and your immediate family first. Your brother and parents can deal. Similar to D15, in TTGP there is a strong culture of facts and snark. 

However, please don't come in here and call out supportive members for informing you about the dos and don'ts of the forum. 

StephieBears88

I am sorry about your losses. This decision will ultimately be up to you and your husband. I am struggling with PCOS and can't put trying on hold or it may never happen. My sister is also getting engaged this fall and planning a destination wedding. There is a huge chance I may not be able to make it. But me and my husband are not putting our lives on hold for her wedding. 

If you and your brother are as close as you say then I am sure he would understand you not being able to make it if you are unable to travel due to pregnancy. 

dpjennifer

Timbitvader  Please use Trigger Warnings (*TW*) before you mention a live child. I would give my soul to be dealing with not sleeping because of teething children, instead of reliving my MCs through nightmares and the fears that I will never have a live child. Also, please introduce yourself to the TTCAL thread and stick around.

lund

Timbitvader said:

Honestly I'm just so tired. On top of trying for another baby and not getting pregnant, my daughter is getting two year molars and is up half the night in pain which is hard for all of us. It's hard for her and it's hard for my husband and I when we aren't getting much sleep. And then having pressure from family about my brother when I am already feeling overwhelmed and wiped has been just another added stress. So I'm sorry that in my foggy state of mind that I haven't done things correctly. I'm not used to the sleep deprivation again and it's getting to me. I didn't mean to miss previous post or offend people. I'm just trying to deal with things the best I can and I thought talking to people here would help. 

*dirty lurker* Meaning me, not you @Timbitvader, just to clarify


QFP

Also, approximately 100% of the women on this forum have very busy, stressful lives that may or may not involve *tw* their own existing children *end tw*. Yet the vast majority of them still managed to figure out the guidelines and culture of this board before posting. 

You may do better with an apology that doesn't infer that your own busy life and stress trumps the rules, guidelines, and culture here. 

That said, if you offer a legitimate apology and make an attempt to learn and participate here, I'm sure you'll find that this is an amazingly supportive group. 

suchaglencoco

Timbitvader said:

Honestly I'm just so tired. On top of trying for another baby and not getting pregnant, my daughter is getting two year molars and is up half the night in pain which is hard for all of us. It's hard for her and it's hard for my husband and I when we aren't getting much sleep. And then having pressure from family about my brother when I am already feeling overwhelmed and wiped has been just another added stress. So I'm sorry that in my foggy state of mind that I haven't done things correctly. I'm not used to the sleep deprivation again and it's getting to me. I didn't mean to miss previous post or offend people. I'm just trying to deal with things the best I can and I thought talking to people here would help. 

Ok..I was biting my tongue with every thing until you tried to play victim against @BusinessWife, who I have learned (through lurking, fyi) is a super supportive, wonderful, and thoughtful person. 

Don't go into a group of strangers, yell "look at me and deal with my problems" and then bite someone's head off when they ask who you are. 

AND THEN TO FOLLOW THAT UP, you complain to a group of women who are having their own struggles in regular life, but are especially struggling to conceive right now, about your child keeping you up at night.  Rude. Just rude. Don't get me wrong, I am glad you have a healthy 2 year old who is getting teeth. Children are amazing. But to complain about something so basic like being up one night to others who have had loss after loss after loss and still can't bring home a baby, some who can't conceive period, some even with medical intervention, is legit one of the rudest things I've read about. Put yourself in our shoes. You don't know what we have going on. You don't know how long some have been struggling. You don't know anything about anyone here. Heck, you don't even know when your brother will even get enaged, which makes your whole post a waste. Don't borrow worry! Here is my honest opinion about that as long as I'm at it -if you're feeling overwhelmed right now with pretty basic day to day and parenting issues, maybe having a 2nd child isn't the best idea right now. But what do I know, since you're a stranger to me and the rest of us at this point. 

We get it, you're new here. Take the advice multiple people gave you and read the rules! They're honestly not that complex. Then give a sincere apology without a "but" at the end. Then join in on weekly threads and get to know some of these amazing women. Or don't join in and lurk and learn some great tips.


Sorry if that was too harsh and a little disjointed, but I also didn't get sleep last night. I was up half the night worrying about my infertility consult this morning.

LadyMillil

I'm lurking

Ah, it's a "you don't know my liiiiife" it's so hard post. Almost every one of the amazing women here would give up ANYTHING they have to deal with those "problems".

Timbitvader

@suchaglencoco So what because I have one child but now am having struggles while trying to have a second I can't have an opinion on this site? Are you freaking kidding me? So what because I have a child my struggles don't matter?