Reluctant Intro *TW*

Racso12

I am so sad to be posting here but I have heard great things about the community here. I am coming over from the March '18 board. Today I went in for my dating u/s and there was no heartbeat. I was measuring at 7w4d. I have a d&c scheduled for Friday. 

I am trying to put on a brave front because I don't want my husband to be afraid to try to get pregnant again. We were excited to be expecting and that this one would only be 1.5 years younger than his/her older brother. I feel sh*tty for dwelling on a petty detail like sibling age. I never thought we would be in this position. 

Any advice or things to expect for Friday and the days/weeks following would be much appreciated. I am hoping to start trying again as soon as I am cleared. 

vlagrl29

I'm sorry for your loss. One thing this has taught me is I have no control over the whole process. I use to stress about the age gap too. I wanted a 5/6 year age gap but looking at least a 7. But I really don't care anymore about that.

Racso12

@vlagrl29 thank you. I am sorry you are here, too.  

shri929

So sorry that you're joining here 
i treated myself to really soft, comfy Victoria secret underwear and a sweat suit. It was big and comfortable. I blasted the ac and let myself stay in bed until I felt ok enough to leave it. I had a D&e @20 weeks and it was more difficult emotionally than physically. 

sprkls8506

I am sorry for your loss. For me the D&C was a way to move on. It was an easy surgery. I barely had any bleeding after. Still not an easy situation but I was glad to be moving on to being able to TTC again. 

ELeighMay

 I'm so sorry to see another March '18 joiner. There is a group of us here.  I had my D&C 7/31 and nothing about the process has been "easy", but you've joined a very supportive group of ladies.  Hugs to you.

leahcimmichael

@Racso12 So sorry to hear about your loss. I didn't have a D&C, so I can't be of any help with what to expect. But I do want to welcome you and let you know that there's lots of great ladies on this board and that you aren't alone in this journey. 

dpjennifer

Racso12 I had a D&C with my first MC. Just take it easy afterwards. The surgery itself was pretty simplistic, but I was exhausted for days after. Also, don't try to do too much, too soon afterwards. I did and ended up in a lot of pain a week later.

tosh24

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a D&C with my first miscarriage and it was easier physically than I thought it was going to be. My uterus was pretty tender and I was a bit crampy for the first 3-4 days (I kinda walked hunched over) but that was the worst of it.

Emotionally - I felt really "empty" after. It was hard walking into the OR knowing that I had a baby in my ute (albeit not alive) and then 20 minutes later everything was gone. I would just take it easy and not try to do too much at once. I went to Walmart beforehand and scavenged through the $5 movie bin and basically laid in bed for the next two days. I was like you in that I wanted to TTC again right away, so I found the time waiting for my hcg to go back to 0 and for me to have 2 periods to be torturous. Just take this time to let yourself feel all the emotions you need to feel and try to find some peace.

*TW children mentioned*
I also found that spending a lot of family time with DH and my kids helped me to refocus. They were definitely my comfort. 

Edited to fix typo

Mack2342

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I've had two d & Ca both similar experiences.  Physically it was easier recovery than I had expected I took it easy day of and next day and then pretty much returned to my normal activity.  I didn't have to take any pain meds with either as I only had very mild period cramping.  Emotionally was a different story.  It took several months before I felt somewhat normal again.  i still feel like each MC took a piece of me.  For me talking about it helped the healing process and knowing that I could try as soon as cycle returned somehow helped ease the pain a little.  I hope all goes well and you have a healthy recovery both physically and emotionally 

Racso12

@shri929 @sprkls8506 @ELeighMay @leahcimmichael @dpjennifer @tosh24 @Mack2342 Thank you all for your support. I took a couple days to unplug. Life around me goes on but every day I walk around with an unsettled, distracted feeling. Tonight I started bleeding, no cramping yet. So I'm not sure I will make it to Friday afternoon when my appointment is. I am going to put a call in to my OB tomorrow morning.

I am supposed to have a physical with her tomorrow that was previously scheduled months ago. I am guessing that will have to be rescheduled as well which is upsetting in itself because it was going to be my last appointment with my OB (besides Friday) before she leaves the practice. And I absolutely adore her.

GeekBeagle

*TW child mentioned*

Hi there! I also came from March '18. I'll admit, I am also struggling with the sibling age gap. I had wanted a 2-3 year gap, and was due 9 days after DS's 3rd birthday, which I was pretty damn happy with. Now that is obviously out the window, so I am trying to accept that it will happen when it happens and it's OK to not follow the "perfect vision" I had for my family. It's still hard.

I had a D&C and I will say it honestly went very smoothly. I had a bit of a panic attack when they took me back, but then I don't even remember them putting me under and woke up feeling fine. I had been bleeding for 12 days up to it, which happened to pick up the day before, so you could still have the procedure even though you're bleeding. For me, I just wanted to get that part over with and didn't want to wait longer to see if I passed the tissue on my own. I didn't bleed much after and went out and about the next day.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Racso12

@GeekBeagle Seems like there are a lot of March ladies here.  I ended up having the procedure yesterday. It went fine and physically I can't even tell anything happened besides a tiny bit of spotting. 

I realized in my haze of receiving the news I never asked for, nor was given, an ultrasound picture of the baby. I am hoping somewhere in my file they have a digital image. I cannot imagine I am the only one to have been told such news and didn't have the clarity to ask for a copy. This is bothering me so much. I don't want this baby to be forgotten and I have no other tangible thing to hold on to. 

I am so sorry you are here, too. I hope our stays are short. 

sprkls8506

@Racso12 I am so sorry. Glad you are physically feeling ok. I hope you are able to get a pic. 

mrsjcrane

I had a d&c 6 weeks ago, 2nd miscarriage. It was much harder emotionally than physically. I don't have any great words of wisdom but I did want to reach out to you about dwelling on the age gap thing. I haven't been dwelling on the age gap, but I have been dwelling on the fact that I will definitely be 30 by the time we have a baby (would have still been 29 if I didn't have this miscarriage). I know it sounds dumb but it helped me to know that somebody else was kind of dealing with the same thing. I've learned through this process that your feeling are yours; you can't change the way you feel nor should you. 

Racso12

@mrsjcrane - it feels so good to hear other people tell me whatever my feelings are those are okay. I am sorry for your loss. The loss itself is hard, but I feel like in my case (and it sounds like yours also) we grieve the loss of the planned future we had laid out.

It's been a very confusing week. The fear of the unknown is front and center for me. I never thought I would be in this position. 

vlagrl29

@Racso12 - It is very much also grieving what you had planned for future.  I made a new normal of what my life should look like.  You adjust and find yourself very happy again.  That's my current state so know you will get there too   I'm 8 months out of my loss and currently TTCAL on 7th cycle.

strawberryanne

@Racso12 - I am so sorry for you loss. I just joined this board as well, and I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty field wondering what's next. I also get so hung up on the ages between kids. When we have our second they're already 3 years apart so every month just feels like cavernous distance. 

vlagrl29

you get over that age gap thing pretty quickly at least I did @strawberryanne - age gaps don't mean anything to me any more.  that stress is gone.

pumpkinpancake

@Racso12 I know I'm a bit late here, but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're here. I was also on March '18 before coming over here, and it definitely sucks that there seem to be a lot of us over here now. I had a D&C about 3.5 weeks ago, and like you said, it's much harder to recover emotionally than it is physically.

*TW* child mentioned. I also found myself upset at first about the age gap, because I would have been due the same month DS turns two, but I've come to grips with the idea that I can't control that, and they will be great siblings whenever the 2nd one comes along. 

Stay strong. Hugs to you! 

tosh24

I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in about age gaps

*TW children mentioned*

After a surprise pregnancy with my first, we had secondary infertility TTC my second. The way it worked out was that there is a 4 year, 11 month gap between them. I obsessed over that age gap while TTC and looking back now, I stressed myself out way too much over something that is fairly trivial. My kids are two peas in a pod. They are closer than any other sibling set in our extended family that are closer in age. Sometimes, when I wake them up in the morning for school, I find them bunked in with one another holding hands while sleeping. Being spaced farther in age has absolutely no bearing on the kind of relationship your kids will have with one another. I still have to remind myself of my own situation every now and then, as we are struggling with secondary infertility again and right now my youngest is 6, which means another big age gap. But, I see how great a bigger age gap can be, and I'm trying not to stress.

vlagrl29

@tosh24 - my only is also 6 - we got this!!

fishee333

I'm pretty stuck on and stressed about the age gap too, so thanks for sharing all your thoughts about that. It's helpful to hear. 

And I also totally agree that we are also grieving what we had in mind for the future. I had found out we were having a boy and had even seen him a few times in the ultrasound, so I was definitely already picturing my life with a little baby boy. @13 weeks we found out he probably had down syndrome, and that was difficult news at first but then DH and I started to visualize what our life would be like with a kid with down syndrome, and we were not only accepting it but getting excited by all the potentials baby boy would have to offer us and the world. 

robyn2201

**TW children mentioned

My girls are 2 years apart and they are super close, but it was really difficult having a newborn and toddler. Fast forward to now, my pregnancy that resulted in my MC was unplanned. The age gap was going to be 7.5 and 4.5 years. We were going to have to start over again as we had sold all our baby stuff, but we were excited. My girls were even more excited about the baby. Each week my oldest wanted to see how big the baby was and how it had grown. She was too young to understand when I was pregnant with her sister. Since the mc we have decided to go for a third. I think about how long it took us to get pregnant with my first, 18 months, and I wonder how long it might take this time if it happens at all (I'm now 35). I have to remind myself that there are pros and cons for a small or large age gap, but they will always be siblings and will have a bond. And age doesn't matter as much when they get older. 

Sorry for writting a novel!  

vlagrl29

My pregnancy with DD was really hard so freaking hard there were times I said I'd never ever do it again.  When she was 3 I saw how having a sibling would be nice but I still wasn't ready.  When she was 4 I started thinking about finding an OB I liked so when I was pregnant again that task was complete.  It only took a month to get pregnant that time so I thought maybe it would take 3 months boy I had no idea what I was in for this time around.  I always knew I wanted a 5/6 year age gap- DD was very strong willed that honestly at age 3 I couldn't imagine had a newborn.  I sometimes think maybe we should have started sooner but then I remind myself I was not ready and I really love our life.  Also, DD has always loved babies and that will never change.

kindbytealikat

Racso12 said:

@GeekBeagle Seems like there are a lot of March ladies here.  I ended up having the procedure yesterday. It went fine and physically I can't even tell anything happened besides a tiny bit of spotting. 

I realized in my haze of receiving the news I never asked for, nor was given, an ultrasound picture of the baby. I am hoping somewhere in my file they have a digital image. I cannot imagine I am the only one to have been told such news and didn't have the clarity to ask for a copy. This is bothering me so much. I don't want this baby to be forgotten and I have no other tangible thing to hold on to. 

I am so sorry you are here, too. I hope our stays are short. 

I don't know if it's what you're looking for but I got a necklace with a birthstone.

GeekBeagle

@Rasco12 Sorry for the late reply, but just now seeing this. My doctor actually offered me a printout of the ultrasound, but I declined. I thought it would be too hard for me to have. I did see her print one and put it in my file, though, so I'm assuming she did that in case I ever changed my mind.

@mrsjcrane I love the sentiment that our feelings are our own. That's a great reminder!

Racso12

You ladies are the best! I feel so lucky to have found such a supportive, understanding group.   I got an u/s picture at my follow-up appointment and I am so grateful! 

cseley321

Sorry for your loss. As many others said, it's a relatively painless procedure physically. It's the emotions that get to you. I can tell you from my experiences with miscarriages, the worst thing you can do is bottle your emotions up. I found a friend to speak to and relied on these forums to help me with my first losses years ago. It was very therapeutic, because I was also hesitant to pour out my feelings to my husband  (he is not exactly the emotional type)

Edited for spelling