Golden Girls Check-In -- Take 2

bettyvonsomethingstein

This is is a space for those of us growing or starting our families later in life -- you decide if that applies to you.  There is no official age bracket.  Are you AMA with or without high risk factors?  Are you starting your family now that you are more secure in the career you've built?  Are you and your partner working on a blended family?  Do you just want to lurk or hang with some super cool people?   Then this is a place for you! Let's talk about all of it, and whatever other issues that are either unique or more common in those of us who may be a little bit older.

 

maureenmce

I think this is a great idea!  I'm 36 and will be 37 by the time this LO is born, and, as I touched on in the AMA thread, I feel like the toughest thing about being an older mom is that I feel like it's kid crunch time (race against time to have all the kids you want!) and it's career crunch time (gotta get those promotions to afford day care for those kids!) Also, the balancing act can be very tiring and I have never had less time in my life for exercise, lol.

Edited to add: the upside of being a mom later in life is I'm much more laid back and feel no need to be the perfect, Pinterest worthy mom.

Anyway, great thread idea and I'll be interested to hear from all the other ladies who contribute here.

bettyvonsomethingstein

@maureenmce, I can relate to all of that.  The "crunch time"' thing is interesting.  I wonder if there's an actual trend of closely spaced kids with older moms trying to beat the clock? My family is certainly a reflection of that. My first was born when I was 36, my second at 38, and now my third will be born at 39.  

kindbytealikat

  this thread. I will be 34 when this one arrives. That said DH is going to be 46. It's more unique for DH than I because he was really starting over when we had number 1. His kids were 13 and 17 then. I simply waited until my 30s because I was waiting for the right guy. I had started looking into Artificial insemination(not to seriously) before I met DH. That was going to happen at 30 if I hadn't found anyone by then.

jenotontx

I'm 30 and about to be a FTM but my husband is 38. So although I do feel some pressure to have kids because of my own biological clock, I actually feel more pressure because of my husband's age. Even though fertility is more dependent on the women when it comes to age, there are some things that paternal age impact as well. Not to mention he will be nearing 60 by the time our kids graduate HS. So that's something that is on my mind a lot about my particular situation. We will probably wait a year after #1 to try for #2 for that reason. 

Dumbgurl04

I'm 31 but will be 32 when this one is born.  I had DD at 27 and a little over a month later I turned 28.  So I very much love I waited to have kids so I could enjoy my early to mid 20's to the fullest.  

The biggest thing I'm not looking forward to is telling my boss.  I'm one of those types who wants to be the best at my job and the first person they think of when they need a special assignment done.  I felt like last time when they found out I wasn't asked as much.  Plus I really don't want the girl who did my work last time to do it.  She is quite lazy and unprofessional and I sat with her last time for 6 months even made things easier for her.  She screwed it all up cause she didn't care.  Thankfully it was at the beginning of our fiscal year when this happen so when i came back i only had a couple of months u had to fix.  This time it will be 6 months in and yeah I don't have much hope for it.  Frankly I feel letting my work sit for 6-8 weeks will be just as productive.  I will figure sometime after my 1st ultrasound (which is this Friday) to find a way to talk to my boss about it.

maureenmce

@bettyvonsomethingstein I know there's a trend called baby bunching, but I'm not sure if it's strictly related to bunching by necessity due to age, or just wanting kids close together to get all the newborn/toddler years done in one swoop. For us, we'll have to space pretty closely if we decide to go for three.  (DD was born when I was 35, this LO, as I said, will be born when I'm 37.) I'd love to have a third, but it's a daily debate in my head because it would be really, really rough on my career, which would make it really hard to afford three in daycare, but there no real option to space them widely, due to my age. The logical thing would be just to have two (I'd be able to get ahead career wise again, we could buy a two bedroom house instead of three, which is a HUGE deal money wise in the awful LA housing market, wouldn't need a big car, etc.). But yet...I keep wanting three.  We'll just have to see how #2 goes, as my husband keeps reminding me!

Anyone else struggle with what family size feels right with your career and work/life balance, money, etc?  Did you have a hard time deciding to go for three @bettyvonsomethingstein ?  Or did it just feel right?

kmalls

@maureenmce add me to the "crunch time" train. I'm 35 (will be 36 when baby arrives) but my husband is 48. We definitely had kids in quick succession (this will be #3) due to my husband's age. This is his first marriage, he has no other children, and both of us realllllly wanted a big-ish family -- and we feel like the only way to do that is to suck it up and get the tough baby years over quickly. It's not easy, but it works for us. 

ekendall09

@maureenmce my heart says lots of babies but my career and finances say maybe not. It's totally a mental battle. Definitely looking foward to others thoughts and feelings on this. 

bettyvonsomethingstein

@maureenmce, number three for us was a bit of a surprise.  We needed help from an RE for my LO, who is now just turning seven months, when we ran into secondary infertility issues. We knew we wanted three, but the original plan was to wait a bit to actually try but not prevent in the meantime.  Work factors and daycare are also our huge obstacles.  To be honest, I thought in reality we'd have our oldest in kindergarten and I'd be in my early 40s by the time kid 3 actually came along.  But surprise!

Daycare costs we will figure out with some
belt tightening and creativity.   I'm very concerned about my job and really, really dreading dropping this news in the next month.

1fish2fishredfish

Hey-o!

I'll be 38 by the time this LO arrives and I was 32 when DS came along.  Hubby will be 41.  We didn't get married until we were 28/31 and, at that time, I had just started my doctoral program.  We waited for #1 until I was far enough along in the program that I had confidence I could finish all the requirements- even with a newborn.  We waited to try for #2 because, well:

1.) Dude. The newborn stage is not for wimps.  DH and I have a lot of outside hobbies and adding DS to our established lifestyle was H.A.R.D.  We had a hard time adjusting for probably a full year.  We were never really fully convinced we wanted to add a second child because of how hard it was for us.   Plus, DS was not (and is not) a good sleeper.  And DH and I sleep.

2.) I needed to get settled in my career before adding more chaos.

So that leaves us here with a 5.5 year gap between kids.  I always wanted a relatively bigger gap- but I probably would've preferred 4-ish years instead of the one we'll have.  Alas, here we are. Now that raising DS is a relative breeze, DH and I finally feel ready to take on another newborn.

Thanks for starting this thread!

ekendall09

I'll be 30 with baby is born and am feeling more mentally and mature this time around. I loved every moment of DD but am glad there will be a 5 year gap. I had some hard years these past few and am so ready this time. SO is 41 and this will be his first. 

Im nervous career wise because I'm new to my role but am hopeful to make the transition seamless and come back still in a good position. I had the realization that I'll be transitioning out of daycare for DD as I transition right back into it. AtleAst I won't miss the finances because I haven't seen them in 4 years at this point. 

ngolimento

I am a 35 yr old mom with one 2 ye old girl.

I am of two minds about raising littles after 30.  On one hand, I am so much more patient and emotionally mature than I was at 25, but on the other I am really feeling like the physical side of things would have been much easier.  I actually had planned to build a family about 5 years earlier than I did, but the Great Recession really put a damper on my career until about 3 years ago.

Now that we are in a better place with our careers, I definitely feel the time crunch to get kids quickly.  We wanted 2 minimum, but it kind of worries me that I will want more after this one, and not have the option.

fishsticks-n-custard

It's so funny, I'm not even fazed by having kids later because all the women in my family have had kids in their 30s. Including my grandmother in the 1930-40s. 

For me it just wasn't feasible earlier because, 
1. Took me forever to meet the right guy
and 
2. I had 14 years of school/training after high school and while I know lots of women who did it while in school, I think I would have a had a hard time balancing it all. 

I feel secure in my position in life now and feel like I'm in a great place to have plenty of free time to spend with my kids and the monetary resources to have them. Plus, I really don't feel all that "old". 

kmalls

fishsticks-n-custard said:

It's so funny, I'm not even fazed by having kids later because all the women in my family have had kids in their 30s. Including my grandmother in the 1930-40s. 

For me it just wasn't feasible earlier because, 
1. Took me forever to meet the right guy
and 
2. I had 14 years of school/training after high school and while I know lots of women who did it while in school, I think I would have a had a hard time balancing it all. 

I feel secure in my position in life now and feel like I'm in a great place to have plenty of free time to spend with my kids and the monetary resources to have them. Plus, I really don't feel all that "old". 

So much this. I was 31 and DH was 44 when we met. Such is life! 

kindbytealikat

Can I just say I'm also loving that I'm not the only one with a 10+ year age gap with S.O.

kmalls

I'd also like to add: this thread is a perfect example of why words are important. This is an inclusive, supportive thread and I'm happy to be a part of it. A solid opening post free of divisive language goes such a long way. Thank you, @bettyvonsomethingstein! 

ngolimento

@fishsticks-n-custard add me to the "took forever not to find a jerk" list.  I was beginning to give up on ever finding someone with even a shred of self-responsibility when I met my hubby. I was even thinking of just buying sperm and single momming it up. Luckily I found a responsible incredible man.

bettyvonsomethingstein

@kmalls

mcb2016

I feel the crunch too. I'm 36 right now. My first son is 12. We had a surprise baby who is 15 months and never intended for such a huge gap between 1 and 2. My dh wanted to try for #3 but I was hesitant as we had infertility issues up until surprise #2. I would have liked a bigger gap between 2 and 3 but I am seriously feeling much older this go around than I did 12 yrs ago. . I'm keeping my fingers crossed all is well w #3 because I'm already getting excited. 

maureenmce

@bettyvonsomethingstein I hear you on the daycare costs!  Just putting two in daycare at once is going to be rough, so three I'm sure will be a real challenge. The good thing about your spacing is that at least you'll get the worst of it, cost wise, over with, and by the time you get to your early 40s, when you though this LO would arrive, you'll totally be over the hump and nearly done with day care!

I'm nervous about announcing work wise too. In my industry we work freelance and each show we're on lasts 3-6 months. I love my current show but it wraps in mid October and I need to book one, probably two more shows to get me through to April, and I want to do that before people know I'm pregnant, ideally! Hopefully I don't show earlier this time and can keep things under wraps til whenever I book my next job (ideally beginning of October.)

I love my job and industry, but working freelance is really stressful when it comes to having kids. The uncertainty drives me crazy.

createmagic14

Ugh, daycare!  We would have had a second child earlier if it weren't for that.   Even now it will be a juggling act,  and if my car dies before June 2020 (a real possibility) the entire house of cards may come tumbling down.   My h will have his car paid off next September and so we won't have a car payment,  allowing us to afford 2 in daycare.   If my car dies though....

ladythrice

HAI!

I'm 31 now and will be 32 when #3 gets here. I finished college, started working in my career field, finished my masters, and am now firmly established in my career so I often feel my life experiences don't jive with the younger crowd.

DH and I knocked out all three kids in quick succession because we both have siblings close in age to us and we wanted the same for ours.... Andplusalso my first year after DS was H A R D so I was under the mentality of let's get this hard shit over lol. DD was much easier so that's less of an issue now.

I honestly think if jobs and money were no issue we'd keep having kids as long as I could physically handle it. However, daycare is expensive and three at a time maxes us out.

I'm thankful I have an extremely supportive boss but I'm dreading everyone else I work with finding out. I've been pregnant or breastfeeding/pumping for 3.5 years... It's been noticed...

fishsticks-n-custard

Ugh, I asked our daycare what the discount for a sibling was, out of curiosity. It's 10% off the cheaper of the two tuitions. I really thought it would be more. 

ladythrice

So yeah, just saw the comments and implosion on my first take on this topic. If I'm still welcome, I'd like to sit here too... FTR, I never meant to be divisive in the least.

kmalls

ladythrice said:

So yeah, just saw the comments and implosion on my first take on this topic. If I'm still welcome, I'd like to sit here too... FTR, I never meant to be divisive in the least.

@ladythrice you are totally welcome here. It was very obvious you never intended that thread to go the way it did! 

stalkinghorse

kindbytealikat said:

Can I just say I'm also loving that I'm not the only one with a 10+ year age gap with S.O.

Add me to the list! I'm 36 and will be 37 when LO is born. My husband is about to turn 47. It took me forever to find him and he was never married and hadn't really had many serious girlfriends. Sometimes it's like dating a 20 year old again! 

You know what's SUPER annoying? People sometimes think I'm older. They are definitely shocked he's in his 40s. I married Dorian Gray you guys...  

maureenmce

@createmagic14 I feel you!  My husband and I each desperately need to replace our cars (his is a 2005 and it sucks, mine is a 2004 and it's great, but has body damage from a hit and run and I'd just rather have a safe, new car for both kids.)  But, daycare costs for two are gonna kill us and I that plus two car payments would be completely unrealistic.  So, we're hoping to replace my husband's car (since he does daycare pick ups and drop offs) and hopefully my lil beat up Honda Civic can last another five years.  But if it dies, yeah, we're screwed.

@fishsticks-n-custard Yep, our discount is the same, PLUS they just raised tuition, so it's almost no discount at all.  We adore our daycare, so we're just going to deal with it but...yeah.  Ouch.

bettyvonsomethingstein

ladythrice said:

So yeah, just saw the comments and implosion on my first take on this topic. If I'm still welcome, I'd like to sit here too... FTR, I never meant to be divisive in the least.

You're good

irenejean

I'll be 36 in a couple days and DH is turning 48 in October. When we got married, we made a deal to be done having babies by the time he's 50, so we felt a time crunch while trying for #2. Fun to see other couples here with a 10 year or more age gap here. DH was previously married but didn't have any kids before we had DS.

krrpe99

I'll be 41 when baby comes. Time crunch indeed! DH and I found each other late in life, so time was of the essence. We had DD 18 months ago and have been trying for #2 for almost a year (with 1 loss.) This is definitely not the way I had pictured everything turning out, but I've learned to appreciate the Lord's plan for my life!

angiek1

Hi all - I'm 33, I"ll be 34 when LO is born. I have two others at home 6 and 3.5. DH and I met my last year of college. We thought we were done after kid #2, but decided to add one more to our household.

sapphires-and-diamonds

I'll be 37 when LO arrives. DH turns 40 two days after EDD. We have a tornado DS turning 3 next month. I have been dwelling on being an "older" parent and I really need to get over it. I think it stems from my mom having me when she was 18 as well as most of the women in my family having and completing their families early on in their lives. Regardless, I am super excited and cannot wait to hear that HB! 

ladythrice

@sapphires-and-diamonds I think about us being 'older' parents too. My parents are in their 50s right now and have no kids living at home and they have a large age spread between kids (me the oldest at 31 and my little brother the youngest at 22). I moved out of my parents house when they were in their 40s (after college graduation)! Granted, they still had kids at home but my kids will still be so young when I'm in my 40s. Its very weird seeing them enter a quasi kid-free retirement stage of life at 50 while I know mine will never be like that. It's good incentive to take care of myself now because at the rate our society is going, my kids might be living with me until THEY are 30 lol.

jenotontx

ladythrice said:

@sapphires-and-diamonds I think about us being 'older' parents too. My parents are in their 50s right now and have no kids living at home and they have a large age spread between kids (me the oldest at 31 and my little brother the youngest at 22). I moved out of my parents house when they were in their 40s (after college graduation)! Granted, they still had kids at home but my kids will still be so young when I'm in my 40s. Its very weird seeing them enter a quasi kid-free retirement stage of life at 50 while I know mine will never be like that. It's good incentive to take care of myself now because at the rate our society is going, my kids might be living with me until THEY are 30 lol.

I think about this all the time... I have certain hopes and dreams for what retirement with my husband will look like someday but the truth is I know there is a good chance our children will still living at home for a portion of that! I was 18yo when I moved out and never looked back but that's so rare these days and lord only knows what things will be like 18 years from now. 

sapphires-and-diamonds

JJMNO1616 said:

ladythrice said:

@sapphires-and-diamonds I think about us being 'older' parents too. My parents are in their 50s right now and have no kids living at home and they have a large age spread between kids (me the oldest at 31 and my little brother the youngest at 22). I moved out of my parents house when they were in their 40s (after college graduation)! Granted, they still had kids at home but my kids will still be so young when I'm in my 40s. Its very weird seeing them enter a quasi kid-free retirement stage of life at 50 while I know mine will never be like that. It's good incentive to take care of myself now because at the rate our society is going, my kids might be living with me until THEY are 30 lol.

I think about this all the time... I have certain hopes and dreams for what retirement with my husband will look like someday but the truth is I know there is a good chance our children will still living at home for a portion of that! I was 18yo when I moved out and never looked back but that's so rare these days and lord only knows what things will be like 18 years from now. 

Exactly. I want to travel with H when the kids are off on their own. Hopefully have a winter home somewhere south (we're in NE Ohio). But when? When we're well into our 60s?? 

StephieMK

I'll be 35 when baby #2 is born. DH just turned 40. We always wanted 3, but now I just keep saying "we'll see". I dealt with PPD with DD and am afraid it's going to happen again...only this time there will be a toddler and a newborn to deal with. If this one's a girl as well, DH may really push for a third in hopes for a boy. His dad's an only child and DH was the only son so they both keep mentioning how they hope the last name keeps going. My response...who's to say DD will change her last name when she marries? 

orangecup

I'm 33 and I was 30 when DS was born. DH is 36 and will be 37 before this baby is born. I don't feel like we're older than most parents with kids the same age as ours but I guess we are.