@vflux33 our MIL issues surfaced when we got our dog. Hers had just died and she filled the void by obsessing over her granddog-baby. (Like one day DH and I were gone at work and she went to our house, took our dog, brought the dog to have pictures with Santna, and then returned the dog. We didn't know it happened until we were at her house and saw the pictures...) With DD, DH didn't understand when I told him that his mom couldn't be in the room and he told his mom not to come to the hospital. That caused a chain reaction of excessive emotion on her part. I had DD at 4:40am and was a total zombie through lunch time. She came to visit mid-day and whenI told her that I thought DD had DH's funky toe (keeping it light), she acted like her genes were the reason my child had some sort of life-threatening condition. She cried and I was BEYOND dealing with an adult child, so I got up to pee (and bleed all over, because you know, child birth just hours before), and FIL scooted her out the door.
Our second experience went better, but we've had years of intermittent serious discussions with them about what we need and trying to meet them in the middle on what they want. I honestly think it was easier because she was our "go to" when we had to leave for the hospital, and she felt like she was needed. She watched DD while we went to have DS. It's an ongoing challenge we will never totally overcome, but I'll tell you that being able to vent about it and then rationally talk through it with my GFs who also deal with such challenges has made it so much more bearable!!
I'll be honest, I don't know if up front worked best for us. I almost wonder if we had waited until we went to the hospital, and then told them when baby was born, if it would have been easier. That time with DH was important to us, and we will do it the same this (third) time. It's about us welcoming our newest child to the world, and I don't need an adult added to the mix who wasn't part of the making
@LiveNLove44 Whoa are you serious about the dog?? That's wild.
That's helpful, thank you. I wish MIL was married and had someone to scoot her out of the room... but she's very much not. I think if she was she'd put a lot less emotional pressure on MH, but she is probably staying single, unfortunately (despite us strongly encouraging her to date, and despite the fact that we think she'd like to be remarried).
I'll have to think about what you're saying about being up front not working as much for you. It's not in my nature to be that way, but that's def what MH would prefer for this and obviously that's an important factor. My only issue with that is is if she does stuff like talk about moving here (which she has) and not making plans to do anything in her free time but come here to see grandkids (which she has) and then we don't respond clearly (which we haven't), I feel like that's almost the same as saying, "Okay," you know? I'll let what you're saying marinate though and see where we land. Just talking about this here does help a lot! Thank you for sharing your experiences!
@LiveNLove44 - I like that - It's about us welcoming our newest child to the world, and I don't need an adult added to the mix who wasn't part of the making
@vflux33 My MIL lives close by and actually moved here to be close to her grandkids, which I appreciate since my parents moved away and are nowhere near any of their grandkids. I love my MIL and we get along really well. When it came to my daughter's birth (my first), I had to lay it on the line of how I wanted it to be. She wanted to actually watch my daughter arrive, which I was not cool with. I told her no, you can be in the room, but everyone has to be up by my head. Period. I got the whole, "Well I got to see David (MH's first son) come out," and I said, "Great. But I'm not ex-wife." I reiterated she could be in the room, just up by my head.
Setting the boundaries and expectations early was critical for us. I feel like everyone always means well, but this is YOUR time and you get to dictate how it goes, not anyone else. Communicate your preferences early, and consider being flexible in the moment bc even best laid plans can change in the moment!!
I even had to deal with friends who wanted to come to the hospital the DAY I delivered my DD - she was born at 2:30 am and they wanted to come that afternoon. I said, no, please come tomorrow. I know they were disappointed, but I didn't care - it was all about me for a change!!
@amylonghorn Wow I'm surprised even being in the room was OK with you! If I have a vaginal birth I don't even want my mom in the actual room and definitely not my MIL. Uh, how about no.
I have another few weeks until second tri/genetic testing to figure this out before we tell her... as I said before I'm definitely naturally prone and leaning toward being very up front about it. But we'll see. I appreciate you sharing your situation!
I feel bad, guys, I didn't mean to hijack this thread. I'm sure other FTMs have lots of other questions.
@vflux33 Don't feel bad! That is what this thread is for - advice from BTDT moms. And I'm thinking a "How to Deal with Family" thread will be needed as we get closer to third tri. Also we can make this thread a weekly thing if it seems to get too big.
Me: 30 H: 30 Dx: PCOS Married: June 2013 TTC#1: January 2015 BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16 TTC#2: June 2017 BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
@becausescience I really like the idea of a Family Issues thread once we're further along. There are so many common themes/struggles that come up for different people.
Those of you with pushy MILs, when it comes to the delivery room if you feel like they're pushing their way in, use your nurse. One of my good friends is an l&d nurse and she kicked out family members all the time, she made up reasons they had to go so the woman in labor didn't have to stress about it. Seriously, use them!
Those of you with pushy MILs, when it comes to the delivery room if you feel like they're pushing their way in, use your nurse. One of my good friends is an l&d nurse and she kicked out family members all the time, she made up reasons they had to go so the woman in labor didn't have to stress about it. Seriously, use them!
Those of you with pushy MILs, when it comes to the delivery room if you feel like they're pushing their way in, use your nurse. One of my good friends is an l&d nurse and she kicked out family members all the time, she made up reasons they had to go so the woman in labor didn't have to stress about it. Seriously, use them!
Oh yeah! My nurses told me to ask for an "orange soda" if alone time was needed.
Me: 30 H: 30 Dx: PCOS Married: June 2013 TTC#1: January 2015 BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16 TTC#2: June 2017 BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
Those of you with pushy MILs, when it comes to the delivery room if you feel like they're pushing their way in, use your nurse. One of my good friends is an l&d nurse and she kicked out family members all the time, she made up reasons they had to go so the woman in labor didn't have to stress about it. Seriously, use them!
Oh yeah! My nurses told me to ask for an "orange soda" if alone time was needed.
@vflux33, I wish the dog thing wasn't real, but yes, it totally happened, and it's only one of many weird things she's done (like she's come to our house late at night when we were sleeping to put some food in our fridge...it's like she cares so much, but it comes out in the strangest ways that it makes me want to change the locks). I think the best way to prepare is to just keep in mind that there won't be one golden comment that you and your H could say that will make it all go well. Your life with her will be an ongoing experience of adjustment. Take it one conversation at a time, and keep your expectations real.
I think the early conversations didn't help us before we had our first because my MIL is a stew-er. She creates mountains out of mole hills, and sometimes when we give her less time to dwell on something, she realizes it isn't as monumental as she makes it out to be if she's given more time to think about it. I think it's really meaningful that you put a lot of thought into making this the right fit for everyone. You'll do well with it!
My Mom has been in the room for every delivery. My last baby she was going through chemo and she barely made it because she was so sick. Other than that it's just me and DH. I don't think my in-laws have known about the pregnancies until I was almost due. They only live an hour away, but DH's mother died when he was young and he basically got a wicked step-mother. She's better now, but she didn't remember spending two full days with my youngest. She texted "can't wait to meet him." I sent her a picture of her holding him. She blamed forgetting on having sleep apnea. She also said to DD "I can't wait to have a grandchild." In all fairness, I probably should have asked her if she wanted to be called grandmother by my kids. She's my FIL's 3rd wife so she probably doesn't feel that connected to the older children/grandchildren.
Our relationship with the ILs is kind of rocky. I don't have to worry about them moving here or anything but I can say that they suggested when I was pregnant that if I ever felt overwhelmed or like them being around was too much to let them know and they'd get a hotel or plan a visit a different time or get out of my house for a movie and dinner. I learned the hard way later that that offer wasn't actually sincere. So fun.
My mom has no desire to be around when I give birth which was fine by me. My DH and my doula and an assistant training doula were there and they were all super supportive. MIL and FIL flew out about two weeks after my EDD and actually his birth for five days.
Honestly, it sucked. I had trouble breastfeeding and having an inconsiderate FIL around just made things worse. I was sleep deprived and DS wasn't a good napper during the day either and it was kind of a recipe for disaster.
I personally can't rationalize expecting the ILs to stay in a hotel after they've paid almost $1k in plane tickets. But by the time we have kiddo #3, they are definitely stuck on the pull out couch so they might want a hotel room.
We've started trying to set boundaries and such for a healthier relationship now but I have to say that the first year of DS's life was rough on me and DH and our relationship thanks to the issues with the ILs. So my advice is to try to sort this out beforehand because the arguments are 100% worse when you are both sleep deprived and stressed.
I've started talking to DH about the expectations for having 2.0. Ideally I'd rather that the ILs visit after my mom again which would put 2.0 about a month old. The other consideration is that MIL is SILs main source of childcare and March-May is their busy season for meets so I'm not entirely sure MIL will be able to come and if she does, it will probably be for a very short weekend. The other consideration is that DH's godparents rent a beach house every May and there's a possibility we would be going for a week so I'm not sure if the ILs will want to fly out if they'll see us in May anyway.
Figure out what you want and need for support. And communicate that very clearly to your MH. He needs to facilitate the conversation with his mom because it is his mom and she will take it better from him. And if she does quit her job and move to you, she has to understand the boundaries that come with that.
I hope she surprises you and is actually way way more helpful than you expect.
@vflux33 We live 12+ hours away from both of our families. With our first (and it'll be the same way with this one) I told my husband I wanted my parents here when the baby came...and since it's my body and my delivery, it made sense that I got to decide that and my husband was completely on board. Lol We simply just told my MIL that my parents were coming to be with us in the hospital and that they were welcome to come a few weeks later. It helped that my parents left the morning after my daughter arrived so we could spend a few weeks at home with just us. That way we got to have that special time at home with just us. I think you should just be honest and make sure your hubby stands by you. I would even make him do the talking. And don't act like you are hurting her feelings, just discuss it like it's a great thing and you would love for her to come a couple of weeks after your baby arrives. Hope that helps! Good luck!!
I looked and did not see that anyone else has asked this question to STMs. I hope I did not overlook anything.
Any suggestions for stretch mark prevention? I have found a ton of conflicting information on the net and I wanted to get a few suggestions from those who are not trying to sell a product. Lol.
@fullofhope25 - I researched that so much on my first pregnancy (this is my 3rd). I wanted that miracle prevention product and everything mostly said it's genetic/just unique to your body's natural tendencies. Hard to prevent. Did I still buy some cocoa butter? You better believe it! But (don't hate), I found that I'm just not proned to stretch marks and the lotion didn't make a difference when I didn't use it for a while. Doesn't hurt though and you'll NEED a good lotion to help with the horrendous itching of a growing belly. I'm guessing some other women do at least have good suggestions of products that might lessen the stretch marks a little though. @becausescience - the other women did a great job answering. DD was just 2 when DS was born. We just casually practiced with a doll and I talked to her about the baby often so that at least became a norm. The rest happens in the moment. @crossfitbabybump - 10-11 weeks was my sweet spot for getting my appetite back. There's hope for you! @GG620 - Great questions! First pregnancy I showed a little around 13 weeks because I had a flat stomach beforehand. It had nowhere to hide. Sleeping on your side - well into your second trimester. You'll feel the weight of your belly causing discomfort and just know it's time. Other things I wish I knew? I may need to write an essay. But none were for the first half of pregnancy. So I'll save them. You'll navigate trimesters one and two well.
@fullofhope25 I used Burt's Bees Belly Butter (or something like that), and it really helped keep the itching at bay, however, @StephBrim24 is right that I think it's more genetic as well as related to rate of weight gain for some. I didn't get any on my belly the last two times, but I won't count it out yet! Keep your skin hydrated by drinking plenty of water and find a good cream (but don't spend a bunch of money on it). The rest is up to nature!
@fullofhope25 just FYI I was super surprised that I ended up with stretch marks on my boobs. So if you are worried, you might want to not just do your belly.
@vflux33 Omg, I took a firm position this time! Last time, my in laws came every weekend, like, a different person every weekend and that was way too much on me. I told my husband he needs to communicate this no no to his family. Let's see how that goes.
@crossfitbabybump I don't even fill out an A cup. My band size grew and that's basically it for me. Best nursing bras ever... Victoria's Secret front clasp. The material is so forgiving for those early and painful days, the front clasp gives you easy access and added bonus...It's a bra you'll actually wear afterwards! Seriousky, for those who can, it's a miracle. Plus, it took away the sting of seeing how my chest never actually grew, despite still nursing my 23 month old.
To the quick laborer - (tb isn't letting me scroll anymore?) - Will you have a doula? A friend of mine did this with her second and felt much more comfortable knowing someone could at least work the logistics during Go Time.
Stretch marks - I agree with what was said. I was told they are genetic and will either just happen or not. However, olive oil received my itching way more than coconut oil as coconut oil actually has a drying effect.
I had a doula with DS, and she didn't make it to the hospital until about 5-10 min after DS was born. Considering I barely made it to the hospital, this is not surprising whatsoever. I'm leaning towards no doula this time. Since I've essentially made it through the actual birth without one just fine, I don't see a point for having one 2nd time around. She was helpful before and after birth, and I can't say it was a waste, but I can easily do the education/planning aspects on my own at this point especially having experience. My plan is to work out logistics with my MW and family at some point closer to the actual due date. I just need to let it go because there's nothing I can do now.
I have a question. For those of you momma's that are looking into Doulas or have had one before, did you find a professional that was a complete stranger to you or was it a close friend that you trusted? I am thinking of my best friend/godmother to my LO who is a certified nurse to come and be my Doula.
Can anyone share stories of their Doula experiences?
@day38 I had a precipitous labour. We have no family who lives in our city, and two children. My SO works an hour away with no traffic. I am just hoping to all things that my mom will be over, and my SO will be home. I will also ask the neighbour to watch the kids if in a major pickle...plus I told my SO to work on his baby catching skills.
Who here did cord banking? I'm super interested in it but it seems so expensive. I'll probably bite the bullet and just pay but interested in other people's opinions.
Also for those of you who did do it and are now pregnant again, are you planning on also doing it for your second/third child?
@vflux33 I donated the cord blood both times. Banking is not usually very helpful. I was a peds hem/onc nurse and the bone marrow/cord blood transplants always needed to come from a donor. Their own cells likely wouldn't have helped them, if that makes sense. I have seen donor cord blood save lives though
@heatherdubrow Thank you! I'm definitely down with donating, but could cord banking potentially help a sick sibling, and if so, in your opinion would it be better/more effective than a donation from a donor, or the same?
I have a question. For those of you momma's that are looking into Doulas or have had one before, did you find a professional that was a complete stranger to you or was it a close friend that you trusted? I am thinking of my best friend/godmother to my LO who is a certified nurse to come and be my Doula.
Can anyone share stories of their Doula experiences?
I hired a doula last time. She was a professional that was a stranger to me. I found her to be very helpful, and would recommend that every first-timer hire one. I firmly believe that it should be covered by insurance. Unfortunately, I've never heard of it being covered.
I had planned for a good friend of my mom's, who happens to be a nurse, midwife and a doula, to be present at my son's birth. But I had complications and knew it would likely end with a c section, so I didn't have her come. I may do a VBAC this time and will definitely ask her to attend if all goes well.
@vflux33, it could for sure help a sibling but it's also just as likely to not be a match. My opinion is that it's not worth the expense to bank it, because the likelihood of being able to use it is so small. But I would encourage you to do your own research! I'm definitely more biased toward donation as I've seen the miracles that come from it.
@crossfitbabybump is your friend a cna or RN? And does she have a background in labor and delivery? I'm an RN and would be useless as a doula because I've never worked labor and delivery. I would say go with a professional unless your friend has experience as a doula
@heatherdubrow she is an RN and works in the NICU at a huge hospital in Pittsburgh, PA. She has helped deliver babies and take care of them post-partum. We are going to have the baby in a hospital but I want her to be there as the supportive role that a doula has. To keep everyone calm and relaxed (for the most part lol)
@heatherdubrow how does one go about donating cord blood? Do I just talk to my dr about it? I'm sad I didn't know this was a thing for my first pregnancy! I wish my dr would have said something about it!
I was my sisters doulas. I knew everything she wanted(she used my birth plan) and was her advocate when she needed. Her husband is not good with medical stuff and I had two kids already so she asked me to do it. She was in labor for 24 hours and I was there for the whole thing. I walked with her when she could, helped her through pain, held her legs during pushing, and cut the cord when my nephew was born. I was answering all the questions nurses and doctors were asking because she couldn't think straight. I was also the first one in my family to see my nephew. I think it was nice to have a close relationship already but think you could build that before the time comes if needed.
I donated cord blood as well. It was just a form they gave us when we registered at the hospital consenting to donating. I feel like there may have been more forms later but obviously they need consent before the baby's born.
Re: FTM Questions for STM+ - August Edition
Our second experience went better, but we've had years of intermittent serious discussions with them about what we need and trying to meet them in the middle on what they want. I honestly think it was easier because she was our "go to" when we had to leave for the hospital, and she felt like she was needed. She watched DD while we went to have DS. It's an ongoing challenge we will never totally overcome, but I'll tell you that being able to vent about it and then rationally talk through it with my GFs who also deal with such challenges has made it so much more bearable!!
I'll be honest, I don't know if up front worked best for us. I almost wonder if we had waited until we went to the hospital, and then told them when baby was born, if it would have been easier. That time with DH was important to us, and we will do it the same this (third) time. It's about us welcoming our newest child to the world, and I don't need an adult added to the mix who wasn't part of the making
That's helpful, thank you. I wish MIL was married and had someone to scoot her out of the room... but she's very much not. I think if she was she'd put a lot less emotional pressure on MH, but she is probably staying single, unfortunately (despite us strongly encouraging her to date, and despite the fact that we think she'd like to be remarried).
I'll have to think about what you're saying about being up front not working as much for you. It's not in my nature to be that way, but that's def what MH would prefer for this and obviously that's an important factor. My only issue with that is is if she does stuff like talk about moving here (which she has) and not making plans to do anything in her free time but come here to see grandkids (which she has) and then we don't respond clearly (which we haven't), I feel like that's almost the same as saying, "Okay," you know? I'll let what you're saying marinate though and see where we land. Just talking about this here does help a lot! Thank you for sharing your experiences!
@LiveNLove44 - I like that - It's about us welcoming our newest child to the world, and I don't need an adult added to the mix who wasn't part of the making
very well said!
Setting the boundaries and expectations early was critical for us. I feel like everyone always means well, but this is YOUR time and you get to dictate how it goes, not anyone else. Communicate your preferences early, and consider being flexible in the moment bc even best laid plans can change in the moment!!
I even had to deal with friends who wanted to come to the hospital the DAY I delivered my DD - she was born at 2:30 am and they wanted to come that afternoon. I said, no, please come tomorrow. I know they were disappointed, but I didn't care - it was all about me for a change!!
I have another few weeks until second tri/genetic testing to figure this out before we tell her... as I said before I'm definitely naturally prone and leaning toward being very up front about it. But we'll see. I appreciate you sharing your situation!
I feel bad, guys, I didn't mean to hijack this thread. I'm sure other FTMs have lots of other questions.
Dx: PCOS
Married: June 2013
TTC#1: January 2015
BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d
BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16
TTC#2: June 2017
BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
Dx: PCOS
Married: June 2013
TTC#1: January 2015
BFP #1 8/24/15 | MC 9/3/15 at 6w2d
BFP #2: 12/12/15 | DD born 8/29/16
TTC#2: June 2017
BFP #3: 7/15/17 | DS born 3/20/18
I think the early conversations didn't help us before we had our first because my MIL is a stew-er. She creates mountains out of mole hills, and sometimes when we give her less time to dwell on something, she realizes it isn't as monumental as she makes it out to be if she's given more time to think about it. I think it's really meaningful that you put a lot of thought into making this the right fit for everyone. You'll do well with it!
My mom has no desire to be around when I give birth which was fine by me. My DH and my doula and an assistant training doula were there and they were all super supportive. MIL and FIL flew out about two weeks after my EDD and actually his birth for five days.
Honestly, it sucked. I had trouble breastfeeding and having an inconsiderate FIL around just made things worse. I was sleep deprived and DS wasn't a good napper during the day either and it was kind of a recipe for disaster.
I personally can't rationalize expecting the ILs to stay in a hotel after they've paid almost $1k in plane tickets. But by the time we have kiddo #3, they are definitely stuck on the pull out couch so they might want a hotel room.
We've started trying to set boundaries and such for a healthier relationship now but I have to say that the first year of DS's life was rough on me and DH and our relationship thanks to the issues with the ILs. So my advice is to try to sort this out beforehand because the arguments are 100% worse when you are both sleep deprived and stressed.
I've started talking to DH about the expectations for having 2.0. Ideally I'd rather that the ILs visit after my mom again which would put 2.0 about a month old. The other consideration is that MIL is SILs main source of childcare and March-May is their busy season for meets so I'm not entirely sure MIL will be able to come and if she does, it will probably be for a very short weekend. The other consideration is that DH's godparents rent a beach house every May and there's a possibility we would be going for a week so I'm not sure if the ILs will want to fly out if they'll see us in May anyway.
Figure out what you want and need for support. And communicate that very clearly to your MH. He needs to facilitate the conversation with his mom because it is his mom and she will take it better from him. And if she does quit her job and move to you, she has to understand the boundaries that come with that.
I hope she surprises you and is actually way way more helpful than you expect.
Any suggestions for stretch mark prevention? I have found a ton of conflicting information on the net and I wanted to get a few suggestions from those who are not trying to sell a product. Lol.
@becausescience - the other women did a great job answering. DD was just 2 when DS was born. We just casually practiced with a doll and I talked to her about the baby often so that at least became a norm. The rest happens in the moment.
@crossfitbabybump - 10-11 weeks was my sweet spot for getting my appetite back. There's hope for you!
@GG620 - Great questions! First pregnancy I showed a little around 13 weeks because I had a flat stomach beforehand. It had nowhere to hide. Sleeping on your side - well into your second trimester. You'll feel the weight of your belly causing discomfort and just know it's time. Other things I wish I knew? I may need to write an essay. But none were for the first half of pregnancy. So I'll save them. You'll navigate trimesters one and two well.
@crossfitbabybump I don't even fill out an A cup. My band size grew and that's basically it for me. Best nursing bras ever... Victoria's Secret front clasp. The material is so forgiving for those early and painful days, the front clasp gives you easy access and added bonus...It's a bra you'll actually wear afterwards! Seriousky, for those who can, it's a miracle. Plus, it took away the sting of seeing how my chest never actually grew, despite still nursing my 23 month old.
To the quick laborer - (tb isn't letting me scroll anymore?) - Will you have a doula? A friend of mine did this with her second and felt much more comfortable knowing someone could at least work the logistics during Go Time.
Stretch marks - I agree with what was said. I was told they are genetic and will either just happen or not. However, olive oil received my itching way more than coconut oil as coconut oil actually has a drying effect.
I had a doula with DS, and she didn't make it to the hospital until about 5-10 min after DS was born. Considering I barely made it to the hospital, this is not surprising whatsoever. I'm leaning towards no doula this time. Since I've essentially made it through the actual birth without one just fine, I don't see a point for having one 2nd time around. She was helpful before and after birth, and I can't say it was a waste, but I can easily do the education/planning aspects on my own at this point especially having experience. My plan is to work out logistics with my MW and family at some point closer to the actual due date. I just need to let it go because there's nothing I can do now.
Pregnant with #2:
Can anyone share stories of their Doula experiences?
Also for those of you who did do it and are now pregnant again, are you planning on also doing it for your second/third child?