February 2018 Moms

Alone time after baby?


Re: Alone time after baby?

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    How to? I just got reply on the comments
    Hit the quote button or type @ and the screen name. You can go back and edit to add them to what you already wrote. 
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    How to? I just hit reply on the comments... I'm obviously new here
    Type the "@ symbol and put in the screen name you are addressing. Or simply hit the quote" button. 
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    @neener*neener* I agree...the hospital stay I was not allowed to rest and after 12 hr induction and 13 hours of labor (3 pushing), I just needed more understanding and space once I got home.  I was excited to have the grandparents and let them be a part of the experience I just wanted and was very clear about needing at least one night home alone just the three of us and then we could play it by ear as far as scheduling visits and staggering them accordingly with friends and family. I feel like when people have to incur expenses (flights) to visit they feel a bit more entitled to your time and space for some reason they feel like they are helping which sometimes can be nice and other times a burden...
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    My personal experience is that everyone and their mother was in my delivery room when I had DD. At one point the nurses had to just be like alright people someone has got to go. I really didn't care at all. I had 5 people in the room during labor and pushing and then at least 3 more came in as soon as she was out, as I was still being stitched. Then MORE came in as I was able to cover up. I sent our dads out when it was time to give breastfeeding a go, but like another PP said, I had the shakes really bad and was unable to hold her for a bit. I was shaking violently and it was really frustrating that I didn't feel safe holding her right away, even though she was able to lay on my chest for a bit as soon as she had come out. Anyway after the 3 ring circus in my hospital room, as soon as we were home we had literally no visitors, and I was kind of lonely and bored. It kinda sounds like this is a UO but I wish more people came around in the beginning. 
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    I hear you about visitors. I was lonely after the first couple weeks... very lonely BUT (all caps because its a big but) I wanted helpful guests. Friends that knew what I was going through and I could talk with about it all. Family that brought a meal, helped with the older child, or helped around the house without asking me what needed to be done. People would say "How can I help?" or "What can I do for you?" and I felt awkward saying what needed to be done. I appreciated people just doing it (dishes, sweeping, laundry etc). 

    I did not want visitors that just wanted to hold the baby and sit on their rears. I walked around and cleaned/washed dishes etc when MIL was at my house for a week bc I was so annoyed and had all of this pent up frustration with the fact that she was in my house uninvited, did nothing to help, and expected to hold the baby all the time. I holed up in my bedroom during nursing sessions and cried. It was hard. 

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    I'm going to throw my 2 cents in, about after the baby, I found my inlaws more respectful of my wishes than my own parents! And over all, everyone surprised me with being more considerate than expected - which is not to say they didn't cross boundaries at all- ever- but the amount I worried About stuff being awkward after the birth/breastfeeding wasent really necisarry, so I'm just trying to say- set your boundaries of what you want, and try not to worry about it now, because otherwise you may be stressing for 6 months over something that ends up being a non issue! 

    Also, we had a rule that people who weren't up to date with whooping cough vaccines needed to wait 6 weeks to visit Bub, this was controversial at the time, but I don't regret it, I was way more equipt to deal with visitors at that point. 
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    I think it's good to know your visitors and their norms as @neener*neener* stated so well. You want helpful visitors. My ILs arrived and wanted me to entertain and provide the food. My SIL wanted me to hold her 30# toddler a few days after my c section. So be your advocate and make sure you and your partner are in the same page as far as what works best for your family in those early days. 
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    My opinion is different. Maybe it's bc of how my family/friends are...I don't know. Yes. This is your baby, your life, etc but this baby is also a new addition to the larger family and very exciting for them as well.

     Instead of putting a ban on visitors for a time period I let them join in the excitement of a new baby but let them know what times are good. After 6:30pm isn't an option in my house bc bedtime routines, even for newborns begin at 7pm.  Earlier than 10am and expect me to not open the door. And if I'm upstairs with the baby respect our space. 

    IMO shutting people out is not ok as much as you want the time you know you are going to get it. Allow people access. And set standards. Don't create drama when drama isn't needed. 
    I love this! My husband is one of 12 siblings and his family is huggggggeeeee, whereas I'm one of 4 and it's just my siblings and my parents really. So it took me a long time adjusting to a big family, we wanted a nice and small at-home wedding, which consisted of about 200 people and I think I only had about 20 people there (my friends and family), the rest was just his close relatives..oh yeah-huge! Haha 
    It gets hard keeping up with everyone and staying in touch, there's always a family dinner/outing and what not. 4 of his SIL's are pregnant at the moment now too lol
    Everyone is lovely but there will always be the one or two that's a little funny it's only normal, I'm blessed to have an amazing MIL, not so much my DH's step mum but she's not too bad, she's just big on the tough love, whereas I'm a big baby and don't like that haha!
    But I'm use to it now, you can't avoid family, they will always be there. Also because there is so many of them; they visit you at the hospital when you have a baby but give you a couple weeks at home before they all visit you again haha so that's nice. It's not really up to me that's just how it is so might as well accept it. And DH won't be impressed if I was negative about it, he's really big on family and I respect that. I'm not saying that it's not hard dealing with certain people, I understand! It just makes things harder shutting people out, too much drama 
    All the best and good luck 
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    Our hospital gives us 4 passes for people to be in the room while I'm in labor.  My DH is using one and we are burning the other 3.  I'm a FTM but I know I want privacy.  My parents live 2 minutes from the hospital so they will come when the baby is born.  We plan to have people visit in the hospital after the first 24 hours.  I want to say no to visitors the first few days at home unless it is immediate family.  We have 3 dogs to adjust to this baby and I will be learning to breastfeed for the first time.  My IL live 18 hours away so when they come they will probably stay for a while.  We plan to have them stay at my parents house (10 minutes away) and come to visit each day while they are here.  I definitely want them to get time with the baby but I need to be able to send them home if I need space.  
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    I think it does come down to your personality and your family's personality, but personally I preferred visits at the hospital. My rule was no one in the delivery room but DH and I, and we had one hour alone after delivery before letting family in. All of our family lives very close by, and DS was the first grandchild on both sides, so of course there was a lot of excitement but I was impressed by how well they all respected our space even though I know they would have loved to be in the delivery room and stayed and cuddled the baby forever. I think it helped that DH had a group text set up and sent lots of updates throughout labor and delivery so they could feel like a part of it and not be breaking down the doors. I had a verrrry long induction and so a lot of them visited while I was in labor (but not the miserable part). They left once active labor started and occupied themselves until DH let them know I was about to push. Then they hung out in the waiting room. Since we had established that we would not let anyone in for an hour after it didn't bother me that people were out there waiting. DH went out to let them know when DS was born and they came in when we were ready. They stayed about an hour and then went home to let us sleep. We told them we would let them know the next day when we were ready for visits, and since our hospital requires people to stay 48 hours after birth there was plenty of time for visitors and I just had DH take people out when I needed privacy for breastfeeding or bathroom breaks. I think what helped the most with having visits go smoothly was keeping people in the loop via text so they felt included and didn't feel the need to text us every 5 min for an update. That was DHs main job and it really helped me out and kept the stress level down, plus it gave him something to do when he needed to keep busy. I found recovery at home to be harder and I was uncomfortable and sleep deprived and the house was a mess, so I didn't enjoy the visits to our house as much because it just made the routine hard to get into. People who brought meals or did my dishes were my heroes, and people really were very respectful, but even then I was just so tired it was hard to get through visits at home. But at the same time both DH and I felt like it was important to us to let people visit, so we did. And it only really lasted one week and by week 2 it was mostly just grands that came by when they could.
    Married 6/1/13
    BFP #1 7/2013 MMC 9/17/13
    BFP #2 5/2014 MC 6/15/14
    BFP #3 11/13/14 (Found in ER with ruptured cyst) Diagnosed MC 11/15/14
    BFP #4  4/2015 MC 7/1/15
    BFP #5 10/21/15  EDD 7/3/16 Praying for our rainbow! 
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    @chucksmom15 I forgot about the dog aspect! One of our big reasons for saying two weeks with no visitors is because one of our dogs gets really amped when there are new people in his house. We want to be able to introduce the baby as a new member of the pack without having strangers in the house to distract him or confuse him. If it's just me and H he'll be calm and can get used to the baby easier.
    Me: late 30s | H: early 30s
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    RE Dx: Fibroids, surgery Jan 2016
    IUI #1 and #2, Nov/Dec 2016, BFN
    IVF March 2017: ER - 5R/3M/3F, 1 PGS normal
    Polyp removed May 2017
    FET May 2017 - BFP!
    Baby boy born 2/2/18

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    I actually perfected having hospital visitors. We did not allowing anyone in the waiting room, and then we took 3 hrs after delivery. Grandparents came that evening and we had other visitors the next 2 days. I liked it because visiting hours meant they had to leave, the staff has no problem telling people to leave, I did not feel bad telling people no once we got home since they saw him in the hospital.
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    @chucksmom15 I forgot about the dog aspect! One of our big reasons for saying two weeks with no visitors is because one of our dogs gets really amped when there are new people in his house. We want to be able to introduce the baby as a new member of the pack without having strangers in the house to distract him or confuse him. If it's just me and H he'll be calm and can get used to the baby easier.
    All 3 of our dogs get amped when we have visitors especially when they come to the front door.  No one uses our front door except the UPS guy lol.  We took the lab to classes with a dog trainer and are thinking about having her to the house to work with them before the baby arrives.
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    I thought of a couple of things to add, based on previous comments: 

    1) how the nurses treated me after DD1 versus DD2 was completely differently. I don't know if it's because it wasn't my first time or if because DD2's birth was completely unmedicated, but they were rarely in my space. 

    2) our hospital did have limitations on visitors during labor and delivery- if you're that may be your out. 

    3) our nurses were happy to kick anyone out, whenever. One of us just had to get a message to them and they were willing to make an excuse to boot everyone. 
    DD1 4.14.10
    DD2 8.22.13
    MMC 1.4.17 at 16w
    Expecting #3, EDD 1.29.18

    Pregnancy Ticker
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