February 2018 Moms
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Alone time after baby?

I'm having anxiety about my MIL coming to visit inevitability after baby even though I'm only 12 wks!! Warning rant:
My first baby caused a lot of jealousy and tension and major drama when I asked my mom and MIL to stay at a hotel the first night we brought baby home- it was insane dealing with other people's emotions. They both live out of town.  My mom was here waiting for the baby for a week before I was finally induced at 42 weeks. Visit went well mostly until after we got home from the hospital... My mom decided the hotel she chose and booked herself  was unacceptable and called to tell me she couldn't stay there.  My MIL and mom stayed at our place when we were in the hospital and agreed they would stay at this hotel ( in separate rooms) and got along great untill....MIL came by literally 30 mins after we got home to drop off some of our things from the hospital to my surprise.   Meanwhile I get my moms message and since I was badly needing to rest when my husband asked if he could order some dinner and invite his mom to visit while I slept....bad idea but I agreed since I figure I'm getting cornered into letting them in and I'm too tired to care.  But I call my mom to invite her over also ( just for the night since the hotel was so terrible apparently and she said she was leaving the next day), she screens my calls and drives around for hours stewing that my MIL came over instead of meeting her as planned at the hotel, and books a new room somewhere else. I wake up a few hours later and my Mom called my MIL and ripped her to shreds calling her a liar and a worm!! We were all sitting I. My living room so we knew what was happening as it happened.  She just wanted to respect my wishes to have alone time just me hubby and baby and got defensive and lost her Shit in the worst way!!! So I try to explain and she's too far gone off the deep end and just crazy at this point -so embarrassing -and I feel bad she's acting this way and exhausted and sleep deprived so... when it becomes apparent that the next day MIL had no intentions of going to any other hotel and just hangs out through all my friend visits and pretends I don't still want and need space I just feel too bad to tell her to leave.  5 days later she finally flies home but I am so resentful to both of them my mom and I don't even talk anymore... she left town without visiting me or baby again even though I tried my best to make her welcome even after her big meltdown.  I resent the privacy and bonding time MIL intruded on as a result... she never tried to book a new room even though I invited her just for the night so they could figure out new accommodations....I was breastfeeding in the middle of the night she would get up and just be sitting there awkwardly waiting for her time to "help"!! She even told me I had beautiful nipples when my boob was hanging out after nursing before I could cover up?! Ugh so intrusive...Anyone else have major drama after baby number one? I almost want to ask MIL not to visit for the first few weeks and to stay in a hotel no compromise his time... and only visit for 2 days. She drives me nuts i want a diff experience this time just our immediate family no overnights from her at all... 
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Re: Alone time after baby?

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    I'm having anxiety about my MIL coming to visit inevitability after baby even though I'm only 12 wks!! Warning rant:
    My first baby caused a lot of jealousy and tension and major drama when I asked my mom and MIL to stay at a hotel the first night we brought baby home- it was insane dealing with other people's emotions. They both live out of town.  My mom was here waiting for the baby for a week before I was finally induced at 42 weeks. Visit went well mostly until after we got home from the hospital... My mom decided the hotel she chose and booked herself  was unacceptable and called to tell me she couldn't stay there.  My MIL and mom stayed at our place when we were in the hospital and agreed they would stay at this hotel ( in separate rooms) and got along great untill....MIL came by literally 30 mins after we got home to drop off some of our things from the hospital to my surprise.   Meanwhile I get my moms message and since I was badly needing to rest when my husband asked if he could order some dinner and invite his mom to visit while I slept....bad idea but I agreed since I figure I'm getting cornered into letting them in and I'm too tired to care.  But I call my mom to invite her over also ( just for the night since the hotel was so terrible apparently and she said she was leaving the next day), she screens my calls and drives around for hours stewing that my MIL came over instead of meeting her as planned at the hotel, and books a new room somewhere else. I wake up a few hours later and my Mom called my MIL and ripped her to shreds calling her a liar and a worm!! We were all sitting I. My living room so we knew what was happening as it happened.  She just wanted to respect my wishes to have alone time just me hubby and baby and got defensive and lost her Shit in the worst way!!! So I try to explain and she's too far gone off the deep end and just crazy at this point -so embarrassing -and I feel bad she's acting this way and exhausted and sleep deprived so... when it becomes apparent that the next day MIL had no intentions of going to any other hotel and just hangs out through all my friend visits and pretends I don't still want and need space I just feel too bad to tell her to leave.  5 days later she finally flies home but I am so resentful to both of them my mom and I don't even talk anymore... she left town without visiting me or baby again even though I tried my best to make her welcome even after her big meltdown.  I resent the privacy and bonding time MIL intruded on as a result... she never tried to book a new room even though I invited her just for the night so they could figure out new accommodations....I was breastfeeding in the middle of the night she would get up and just be sitting there awkwardly waiting for her time to "help"!! She even told me I had beautiful nipples when my boob was hanging out after nursing before I could cover up?! Ugh so intrusive...Anyone else have major drama after baby number one? I almost want to ask MIL not to visit for the first few weeks and to stay in a hotel no compromise his time... and only visit for 2 days. She drives me nuts i want a diff experience this time just our immediate family no overnights from her at all... 
    QFP

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    I agree with @meatball37. Tell them when you want visitors. I did not want anyone waiting on me in the waiting room while I gave birth, so I just did not tell anyone I was at the hospital until after I gave birth. I wish I could do that this time, I at least need to tell the person who will be watching my son this time, but at least they will not be in the waiting room. For me, I am fine having people at my house after. My family would have no expectation of me actually being a hostess right after giving birth. I would not have to entertain them, but I find it nice to be around people and not alone. Everyone is different though. 

    For you, if you are not talking with your mom, would she even be coming? If so, tell her you need help from x date to y date and tell your mil a different set of dates so it does not over lap. It is not your problem if adults can't act like adults though. 
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    I can see where this all went wrong. You should have just had them visit a week after the baby was born. It didn't sound like you really wanted them there at all. I'm not allowing any visits at the hospital because I know if I say ok only between these times or for this long it will turn into blurred lines that I can't control and I'll get mad. 
    If you don't want to have your family around or only for a certain time frame I'd just not bother until your settled, rested, and less hormonal. It's your second so really you'll bounce back quicker than with your first. You already have experience so you also might not be as stressed as the last time. Think about that as well. It might be nice to get the help with another child at home. Some people don't get that and now they have a little person to entertain them during your privacy time. 
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    My family and DH's both live far away. I'm planning on asking them to wait at least a week to visit after baby is here. We don't have space for them to stay here so I'm hoping they won't hang around the house all day.
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    You just have to be OK with them being upset with you and tell them not to come. I did this with my first and got all sorts of drama. No regrets though! It was worth it for the bonding time. They need to respect your wishes. If my family wasn't local I'd tell them to wait a week. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    If you aren't talking to your mom I wouldn't even contact her about it. If get DH to tell his mom to back off and wait for a week before showing up. Yeah, her feelings will likely be hurt but the only thing that matters in this situation is you and your recovery, DH and kids.

     DD born Oct 2011 - DS#1 born Jan 2014 - DS#2 born Apr 2015 - DS#3 born Sept 2016 - LO#5 due Feb 7, 2018

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    I want to thumbs up what @meatball37 said about intro'ing and changing your name and getting involved in the board!

    H and I already made a pact: no visitors in our house for two weeks. We need time to rest, figure out how to take care of a baby, and figure out our new roles and jobs. I don't want to have to worry about covering up around my parents or in-laws or hosting in any way, even if they're at a hotel overnight. You need to put your foot down and stop worrying about hurt feelings; this is YOUR life, YOUR baby, YOUR house, and YOU (and H) make the rules. They can suck it up and deal with it. The world won't end.

    I'm going to piggy back on this thread and at least try to make it useful for other FTMs: My parents are local so they can come around anytime, but H's are 4 hours away by car. I told H they could come visit the baby when I'm still in the hospital (c-section), but do the BTDT moms not recommend that? Is that also stressful?
    Me: late 30s | H: early 30s
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    RE Dx: Fibroids, surgery Jan 2016
    IUI #1 and #2, Nov/Dec 2016, BFN
    IVF March 2017: ER - 5R/3M/3F, 1 PGS normal
    Polyp removed May 2017
    FET May 2017 - BFP!
    Baby boy born 2/2/18

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    I want to thumbs up what @meatball37 said about intro'ing and changing your name and getting involved in the board!

    H and I already made a pact: no visitors in our house for two weeks. We need time to rest, figure out how to take care of a baby, and figure out our new roles and jobs. I don't want to have to worry about covering up around my parents or in-laws or hosting in any way, even if they're at a hotel overnight. You need to put your foot down and stop worrying about hurt feelings; this is YOUR life, YOUR baby, YOUR house, and YOU (and H) make the rules. They can suck it up and deal with it. The world won't end.

    I'm going to piggy back on this thread and at least try to make it useful for other FTMs: My parents are local so they can come around anytime, but H's are 4 hours away by car. I told H they could come visit the baby when I'm still in the hospital (c-section), but do the BTDT moms not recommend that? Is that also stressful?
    I was thinking about this today actually.  My family is either 2 hours or 4 hours away.  I am leaning towards not in the hospital, but I am fine once I come home.  My mom will likely visit in the hospital because I think she is the one who is going to come watch my son for me and I want my son to visit the baby in the hospital. She lives 4 hours away, but is willing to come down at the drop of a hat.  Last time I had multiple visitors in the hospital and it was exhausting and there was no escape in the tiny room.  I felt much more comfortable when people visited us once we were home.  Since I gave birth, I have not visited anyone in the hospital after birth unless the specifically requested it because I remember not liking it and I was not even recovering from a c-section.  

    With you, if your family is 4 hours away, they may want to stay a few days but you do not want anyone at your house for a few weeks.  Yes, you will likely be in the hospital for a few days, but do you want them visiting every day?  If you are open to it, maybe ask their opinion.  They may rather wait until you are ready for visitors at home so they can see the baby better at home and help you out a bit with dishes or whatever.
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    edited August 2017
    @eggplantface I had so many people in and out of the room between staff and family that I never breastfed properly and they kept telling me DS's sugar levels were low and sticking a bottle in his face. It caused so many problems that took weeks to correct. This time it's a firm fucking hell no to hospital visits and also you can put your foot down with the hospital staff. Learn your rights. They kept taking my baby for hours at a time and I learned after from the LC that I can demand in room care for the baby. But my experience is obviously my experience. I hope other people have more butterfly and rainbow stories because it shouldn't really be a stressful time. 



    Eta:words are hard 
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    My opinion is different. Maybe it's bc of how my family/friends are...I don't know. Yes. This is your baby, your life, etc but this baby is also a new addition to the larger family and very exciting for them as well.

     Instead of putting a ban on visitors for a time period I let them join in the excitement of a new baby but let them know what times are good. After 6:30pm isn't an option in my house bc bedtime routines, even for newborns begin at 7pm.  Earlier than 10am and expect me to not open the door. And if I'm upstairs with the baby respect our space. 

    IMO shutting people out is not ok as much as you want the time you know you are going to get it. Allow people access. And set standards. Don't create drama when drama isn't needed. 
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    lainikins said:U
    I want to thumbs up what @meatball37 said about intro'ing and changing your name and getting involved in the board!

    H and I already made a pact: no visitors in our house for two weeks. We need time to rest, figure out how to take care of a baby, and figure out our new roles and jobs. I don't want to have to worry about covering up around my parents or in-laws or hosting in any way, even if they're at a hotel overnight. You need to put your foot down and stop worrying about hurt feelings; this is YOUR life, YOUR baby, YOUR house, and YOU (and H) make the rules. They can suck it up and deal with it. The world won't end.

    I'm going to piggy back on this thread and at least try to make it useful for other FTMs: My parents are local so they can come around anytime, but H's are 4 hours away by car. I told H they could come visit the baby when I'm still in the hospital (c-section), but do the BTDT moms not recommend that? Is that also stressful?
    I was thinking about this today actually.  My family is either 2 hours or 4 hours away.  I am leaning towards not in the hospital, but I am fine once I come home.  My mom will likely visit in the hospital because I think she is the one who is going to come watch my son for me and I want my son to visit the baby in the hospital. She lives 4 hours away, but is willing to come down at the drop of a hat.  Last time I had multiple visitors in the hospital and it was exhausting and there was no escape in the tiny room.  I felt much more comfortable when people visited us once we were home.  Since I gave birth, I have not visited anyone in the hospital after birth unless the specifically requested it because I remember not liking it and I was not even recovering from a c-section.  

    With you, if your family is 4 hours away, they may want to stay a few days but you do not want anyone at your house for a few weeks.  Yes, you will likely be in the hospital for a few days, but do you want them visiting every day?  If you are open to it, maybe ask their opinion.  They may rather wait until you are ready for visitors at home so they can see the baby better at home and help you out a bit with dishes or whatever.
     Logistics question: If your mom is 4 hours away how is she going to get to your house to watch your son in time when you go into labor? Do you have someone close by that is going to watch him until she gets there? Sometimes 2nd + labors progress much faster than initial labors.

     
    BabyFruit Ticker
    older siblings: ds 16 dd 14 ds 13 dd 11 dd 7 
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    My brother and SIL had drama w/ my mom with their kid. They live in another state, and asked my mom to wait to visit (also my mom can be overbearing, love her though). She kinda threw a fit, esp since SIL's mom was able to come over daily. But SIL's mom lives 5 min away. It's 4 years later and everyone's all kumbaya, but I always found it so unfortunate that my mom threw such a guilt trip on my bro so early on. Like, they have a baby to worry about, don't add your hurt feelings to their stress!

    So learning from that, and since both my mom/in-laws live within 5 miles and I'm sure that I can't avoid them for long given both sides are very sensitive and I don't want added drama, we'll be setting visiting hours/days. Also, I have a history of setting strict boundaries so I think they're used to that kinda thing from me by now lol. 

    Given your history w/ the inlaws and since they don't live close, it's totally reasonable to give yourself some time to recoup before having them (or only one of them) over for a set period. Setting that expectation early will hopefully help down the line too.
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    lainikinslainikins member
    edited August 2017
    @mamaof5already Yeah. We have people close by if we need it. She is also planning on coming down around my due date anyway, so if I go over, she will already be down here. I had a fast labor and delivery the first time, so I am over preparing everything this time around. 
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    I prefer to stay in the hospital with baby as long add i can after delivery.  It gives me tinge to test and bond with the new wee one with out worrying about dishes or laundry,  or homework, etc. I only let dh, siblings,  and grands visit in the hospital in the past.  With my 1 st we let everyone come by and it was a circus.   

    A good solution for out of town visitors is to set up a week when they can come see you and baby like a month after baby is born.  That way they can buy tickets,  get a room etc. way in advance and plan a visit and unless you have a scheduled c- Section you don't know exactly when baby will arrive or have jaundice, or how you feel and will give you some time to adjust and baby is still a newborn when they come. 

    For in town visitors, call them after you are home from hospital, and invite then over for a cup of tea,  or a short time  mid afternoon,  people Beverly take the hunt to leave before dinner time.  

    I've never done a sip n see,  but i thunk it might be a great option if you have a ton of people dying to see baby,  because then they can all come over on one afternoon,  get their baby fix and leave you alone.  

    Hopefully those friends and family of yours that already have babies will know how you feel and bring food for you,  or offer to do laundry or something when they visit to help out.

    On another note,  if you have the funds i would totally look into getting a housekeeper for the last month of your pregnancy and the 1st month of babies life (3 months is even better!)
    BabyFruit Ticker
    older siblings: ds 16 dd 14 ds 13 dd 11 dd 7 
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    I'm going to piggy back on this thread and at least try to make it useful for other FTMs: My parents are local so they can come around anytime, but H's are 4 hours away by car. I told H they could come visit the baby when I'm still in the hospital (c-section), but do the BTDT moms not recommend that? Is that also stressful?

    I have similar concerns. DH's family is far enough away that they'll need to fly to see us. He's convinced his mom will come stay for a week once baby is born, but I'd almost rather have a week or so before she stays. She can be a handful herself, although I know she'd have genuine intentions to be helpful. 
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    @eggplantface it totally depends on what you're expecting. Personally I would not  want to visitors that have drove four hours… Simply because they would likely stay a very long time.  I don't like to have visitors the entire first 24 hours at the hospital.  The nurses are coming in every few hours to check your vitals, the babies vitals, your bleeding… it's very stressful and  pending on when the baby was born/labor you will likely be extremely sleep deprived. Not to mention  you are learning to breast-feed, and just recovering. 

     After 24 hours, I didn't mind very short visits.  But, I didn't like anyone staying longer than 20 minutes. It was just too much. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    mpp06mpp06 member
    edited August 2017
    I can understand them wanting to be there as they were excited, but at the same time your health comes first. This time I'd tell them after what happened last time (face it head on, you're all adults and know what happened), and the fact you were just exhausted, you're going to wait a bit for visitors to make sure you have a little energy back and to get settled at home before you have visitors. To me they'll understand, and if they don't, then I'd let them have it and say if they can't realize you need rest then they clearly don't care about you and your recovery. A little guilt helps sometimes.

    I'd also get hubby to get people to leave after a set time. Let them know you aren't up for long visits ahead of time, but also before they come tell hubby to nicely get them to leave when you get up with the baby. People have to know you aren't up for entertaining after just giving birth.
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    I had this conflict with my in laws and DS's arrival. Not because they are pushy, not at all- but they were planning a trip to see us and wanted to know when to book flights. It was hard to decide not knowing when DS would come, but I knew I didn't want ANY company when we came home from the hospital. This is such an intimate time for a new family, or new addition. And navigating the changes can be hard! I didn't want anybody around while I was trying to tackle breastfeeding and didn't want to worry about modesty. Plus, I just didn't want to feel the pressure of having to entertain/cook.

    As it turned out, DS came 5 days late and the in laws arrived the day after he was born. All was fine, but I definitely would have preferred some alone time though I was grateful for the help. Lay down the law and don't feel guilty. They need to respect your wishes!
    image
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    Thanks, everyone, for the insight! I know so little about the after-birth time that I'm thinking of what I see on TV shows where the baby is in a maternity ward. But it sounds like they have the baby in the room with you as much as possible, and when it's not there it's because nurses/doctors are tending to it? I'll have to reopen the discussion with H about visitors then. I know his parents will want to see the baby ASAP, but I'm going to tell H they should come later. As I said above, it's not the end of the world if they don't see him immediately after birth!
    Me: late 30s | H: early 30s
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    RE Dx: Fibroids, surgery Jan 2016
    IUI #1 and #2, Nov/Dec 2016, BFN
    IVF March 2017: ER - 5R/3M/3F, 1 PGS normal
    Polyp removed May 2017
    FET May 2017 - BFP!
    Baby boy born 2/2/18

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    I live two provinces away from all of my family so when my DS was born we had family that flew in to see him. My FIL came for 12 days (some before he was born and some after). He is the type of person who needs to be entertained and I was not up for entertaining since I was 40+ weeks pregnant and ended up having a c-section! He also stayed at our house which was exhausting!  
    The day after we got home from the hospital my mom, dad, two sisters, two nieces and nephews flew in. They all stayed at a hotel which made things less chaotic! I had a different experience with my immediate family! My husband had to go back to work so it was soooo nice to have the help of my mom and my sisters! They also knew their boundaries and would entertain themselves and my FIL thankfully!! They did the laundry, dishes, tidyed up, hold DS so I could get some rest! My sister actually slept with me the one night so my husband could get some sleep downstairs and my sister could help me sit up when DS cried as I had no abdominal muscles to lift myself up!

    We still don't really know what we will be doing with our DS when I go into labour since we don't have family and all of our friends work! So that may be interesting!!

    I think you need to just let them know ahead of time what you would like! They may be a bit upset but they should realize this is ultimately your baby and they will have lots of time to come visit but not right after the baby is born! Hopefully you guys can all come to some sort of agreement!
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    I want to thumbs up what @meatball37 said about intro'ing and changing your name and getting involved in the board!

    H and I already made a pact: no visitors in our house for two weeks. We need time to rest, figure out how to take care of a baby, and figure out our new roles and jobs. I don't want to have to worry about covering up around my parents or in-laws or hosting in any way, even if they're at a hotel overnight. You need to put your foot down and stop worrying about hurt feelings; this is YOUR life, YOUR baby, YOUR house, and YOU (and H) make the rules. They can suck it up and deal with it. The world won't end.

    I'm going to piggy back on this thread and at least try to make it useful for other FTMs: My parents are local so they can come around anytime, but H's are 4 hours away by car. I told H they could come visit the baby when I'm still in the hospital (c-section), but do the BTDT moms not recommend that? Is that also stressful?
    My mentality is if they visit in the hospital (after birth, not waiting in the waiting room while I push a watermelon out my lemonhole, and after the two hours skin to skin) then they won't want to visit as much at my house. I tend to get pretty momma bear post delivery about my house and my space and keeping anyone who isn't my child or my husband away. 
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    It seems like people don't stay as long at the hospital either. When my family comes up it's normally like 15-20 minutes and they're gone. Between breastfeeding and the nurses coming in constantly and it just being a hospital atmosphere it doesn't seem as inviting to stick around. 
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    Setting boundaries well ahead of the delivery helps I think. I knew I didn't want anyone there waiting while I had DD. (The exception was my mom who I chose to have in the delivery room...didn't end up happening because I had a scheduled c/s after finding out DD was breech.) Anyway, I also knew I didn't want a ton of visitors in the first few weeks after we were home. I wanted time to adjust and figure out breastfeeding without an audience. So months prior to my due date, we told everyone that we would call when we were headed to the hospital, but they were not to show up until they got the call that baby was here and we were ready for visitors. We also told them that we wanted to limit visits in the first few weeks and please, no one show up unannounced. DH had to remind his parents about 100 times, but in the end it worked out well and we had no issues. I think knowing our expectations ahead of time helped. 
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    Now I keep thinking about the learning to breastfeed part. I really don't want my in-laws (or dad) in the room when I've got my titties hanging out, which I'm guessing is a lot of time.
    Me: late 30s | H: early 30s
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    RE Dx: Fibroids, surgery Jan 2016
    IUI #1 and #2, Nov/Dec 2016, BFN
    IVF March 2017: ER - 5R/3M/3F, 1 PGS normal
    Polyp removed May 2017
    FET May 2017 - BFP!
    Baby boy born 2/2/18

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    @meatball37 I hope your delivery goes better this time! You are so right though. With any other surgery or medical procedure no one would stick around. I get there's a baby, but when Mom can barely walk and Dad's helping her to the bathroom clearly in pain, it's time to go. 
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    Now I keep thinking about the learning to breastfeed part. I really don't want my in-laws (or dad) in the room when I've got my titties hanging out, which I'm guessing is a lot of time.
    Exactly.  I had to use a nipple shield, so I was getting that situated, then trying to attach a screaming child to my boob--all while trying to keep my nips hidden from whoever was sitting in the room.  It's a real treat ;)
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    @BelhurstBride he is horrible about taking hints as well. Sigh. We have already discussed at length how it will go this next time. I've also been able to get to know my ILs better since having DD. So I will have no problem asking them to leave. 

    I really like the idea of a sip and see this next time. It will greatly reduce the amount of people asking to visit. I also plan on putting people to work if they want to come over to "help." 
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    @eggplantface everyone has different experiences. I am thankful I didn't have many problems once mine latched on, but some definitely do and it takes time each time they want to eat. But even if there aren't problems, they eat all the time! Lol! Their little bellies are so small it is constant feeding and a lot of people that come visit don't realize that I think. 
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    My first was the first grand baby on both sides and my hospital room was full of family.  I had the postpartum shakes so bad I could barely hold him and DH had to help support him to breast feed so I was completely topless.  His family does not take subtle hints and had to be told to leave.  I was super uncomfortable trying to figure everything out in the hospital with a crowd.  

    With number 2, we said no family until I moved to the mother/baby room and we called. Much better, but FIL overstated his welcome. 

    This time, my mom will watch the boys when I go into labor.  After baby is here, DH will pick them up and either take them home to bed or bring them up to visit depending on time.  No hospital visitors this time. 

    Once CE we are home we will set up appropriate visiting hours.  
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    Sorry missed that will do...
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    Ya mom probably won't come and it's sad but I'm ok with it after her making it all about her... MIL I will have to tread lightly because our relationship has really suffered because of her overstaying and interfering since I've had my daughter.  I wish out of town family could see that more than 2-3 day is an imposition with a growing family and limited space especially if they are going to be not respectful of needed privacy and space....
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    @eggplantface

    With DS1 and DS2 we had family stop by the hospital and one co-worker that "snuck in" past the front desk. I will say that this time we're only having my parents, sister, and sons visit in the hospital. They are all local and super close with us. I wouldn't mind if my parents/sister are in the room when I nurse or when I need to use the restroom etc. My FIL lives 6 hours away and got in the car as soon as we told him I was in labor both times. I love him dearly but neither of us would be comfortable with him seeing my breasts etc. Due to the fact that they drove so far, they felt like they got to monopolize all of the time hospital. They disregarded the hospital visiting hours because "they drove so far." and I had to have DH ask them to leave so I could get out of bed for the first several times because blood/fluids gushed down my legs. I was worn out and just wanted to rest and hold my babies but FIL had "driven so long" and was going to leave in a couple days so he held the boys until they needed fed/changed and then held them again. It was really hard for many reasons. We'll ask that he comes when we're at home, give us a couple days at home first to get settled. I also should add that in the hospital I got very little sleep. The nurses are in and out every hour or so to check vitals, healing, give medicine, check the baby etc... etc... I was purely exhausted and extremely emotional in the hospital. 

    I do also support the opinion that the babies are part of a bigger family unit and want to share the excitement with family. I just know myself and know that I want bonding time with baby first and need rest. 
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    edited August 2017
    @meatball37  and @eggplantface -Thanks I will do intros and changing names...I was just up late last night worrying about announcing to the in laws soon and had to get it off my mind... I did have them visit at the hospital and the only real problem that happened there was that MIL swooped up my daughter somehow right after they had her in the incubator/ warmer getting her diaper on while my mom was still talking to me and when we all turn to look she had already taken it upon herself to be the first grandmother to hold her without asking! My mom was obviously put out and didn't say anything rude but when MIL tried to hand her over to let her hold her she said she wasn't ready yet because of course she was totally pissed...as was I because hello I wanted to be the one to offer that... 
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    Does your family expect to come stay with you for up to five days after u just come home though? This is my problem the not being able to have my privacy and generally feeling anxious about the comments that were uncomfortable (she even was commenting on how painful my birth injuries seemed because I was having a hard time sitting and walking, etc..) and the no filter intrusions all around. She would say -I can change the baby if u want, I can hold her, I can help ....over and over until I would relent because it seemed rude to say no over and over again. I just wanted bonding time without an audience that didn't have a home base to go to... like the hotel I asked her to stay in...
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    edited August 2017
    @Ash0625 this exactly! I want two weeks though because I felt worse after about that long and didn't want anyone around.... friends were great and stayed only a little bit  and brought food but I had an audience for my visits MIL just sitting there listening to me tell the birth story to each person like a fly on the wall
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    Knottie7480184749292837)49/092$4$48. No one has any idea who you are speaking to bc you aren't tagging or quoting a single person. 
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    edited August 2017
    How to? I just hit reply on the comments... I'm obviously new here
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