Late shower

LarraO2530

Late Baby Shower

LarraO2530 membe

July 2 in August 2017 Moms

Hi all, this is my first pregnancy and I just wanted to get a few opinions on baby shower timing. My mother-in-law threw a wonderful shower for me in the beginning of June, right around the 32 week mark, and it was so much fun. I was able to visit and mingle and felt great (even though I ditched the cute wedges pretty quick!) It was separate from my side of the family as there was some conflict when my hubby and I were planning our wedding ...that's a whole other beast.

Now, my dilemma is this: as with my wedding last May 2016, my own mother has shown little to no interest in my pregnancy or anything about her granddaughter up until a few days ago when she and my dad got back from vacation. They were happy to throw money at a bedroom set, not shop for it with my husband and me, just "tell me how much and I'll give you the money." Gee thanks for buying the furniture, do you want to see what we picked? Nah..... Now all of a sudden she wants to "have a little something" bc this is HER grandchild and it didn't seem to occur to her that the date she picked will put me at almost 38 weeks. I'm already starting to feel more drained as the days go by, harder to do too many things without frequent breaks, and I'm a nurse, so I'm beat at the end of my shift. I was considering asking her to wait until after the baby arrives, but then again, I don't want my brand new baby being passed around a room full of germ infested relatives....My husband thinks I should just suck it up and let her have the shower, even though I'm bound to be uncomfortable and possibly irritable..... Anyone have some advice on this type of situation? Thanks so much!

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JennyColada

Personally, and YMMV based on your family dynamics, I wouldn't want to force myself into being social at an event that I know I wouldn't be happy at. It's nice of your mother to offer to throw a shower, but I think I'd just need to decline it based on the timing. Maybe you can offer to have her over for dinner to decorate the nursery or something so that she feels involved?

FakeFinn

I'm with @JennyColada, I'd decline based on the timing. I wouldn't go into detail as why (feeling uncomfortable, being tired), this will give her the possibility to try and 'fix' these things for you, so you'll be able to attend. Just keep it at 'thanks, so thoughtful of you, but this late in pregnancy I don't feel up for a party'.

I can totally imagine that you're not up for a meet the baby afterwards, but from what I know/heard, that's usually arranged by the new parents. It's pretty easy to postpone that for a couple of months (the first weeks you'll be way to busy with a newborn and then it'll be flue season and then the holidays).

LarraO2530

I did make an attempt to decline saying something along the lines of "that's cool that you want to be involved, but it's awefully close to her due date...my doctor mentioned any time between 38 and 40 weeks..." It was just turned around on me being a selfish asshole

FakeFinn

Your mother's wants do not trump your needs. Just rinse and repeat: thanks, but no thanks. She can't make you attend a shower!

LarraO2530

I understand what you're saying @FakeFinn, no one can MAKE me attend......but there's the thing about the guilt trip that my mother always pulls whenever she doesn't get her way. As I mentioned before, I am a nurse so while I "only" work 3-4 days a week, they are not the same days all the time and I get my schedule for a whole 6 weeks. There is never any communication for things being planned and always an explosion of "YOU don't make an effort" whenever there is an event I cannot attend bc I find out literally 3 days in advance. I've begged for information on upcoming parties etc, I always get the same response "I don't know yet," and my mother is "traditional" so she believes showers should be a "surpise," which I have also explained can't happen bc of my scheduling. It seems very easy to just not go and save myself the aggravation, but I'm torn between being miserable at a party I don't want, or being stressed for the remainder of my pregnancy up through delivery for being "a selfish, disrespectful brat..."

JennyColada

Oh man, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! Is there another family member or friend that can maybe run some interference (maybe you can suggest to your mom that she have a co-host, and that individual can help rein her in a bit so that the event is kept small and as stress-free as possible)? Or maybe you can suggest a spa day (prenatal massage!) with a couple girlfriends instead of an actual shower?

LarraO2530

Those are great ideas @JennyColada , I would love to get a facial or have my toe nails painted without the skin around them also being painted haha!
The co-host is my younger sister....who is the apple who fell from the same tree branch as my mother

FakeFinn

Hey @LarraO2530! This sucks big time. You're most definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place! I'm sorry that you have to go through this right now. 

I know that what I've suggested is easier said than done. Especially when you're the one having to do it! Such a pity that @JennyColada's tips won't work. Unfortunately I don't see any other options then the two that you laid out. 

I think that your mom knows that guilting you works and that sucks! You deserve to not feel stressed out about this. Good luck!

neverblushed

Pro "Shower-At-38-Weeks" Thoughts:
1. It's hard to tell how you'll feel at 38 weeks.  You may not feel much different than at any other time in the 3rd tri.  Even if you do feel pretty miserable, you'll be miserable no matter what you're required to do, whether it be work, sleep, attend your shower, or binge-watch Netflix.  I actually felt bored and frustrated in the last two weeks and looked forward to anything that was a distraction, even if I was pretty physically uncomfortable.  Attending a shower isn't too physically demanding, when you think about it.  So, I wouldn't say no to the shower just because you're worried about feeling too "big" or uncomfortable.

2. You need to ask yourself whether you want to decline the shower because it's too late in your pregnancy, or because you are mad at your mom for not being more emotionally invested in your wedding and your pregnancy.  You seem pretty upset with her.  If you are just denying her the shower as a "serves you right" kind of thing, there are probably better and more productive ways to deal with those feelings.

3.  Along those lines, you can't dictate how your mom feels or how she shows her feelings. You can only control your own reactions in response to your mom.  Saying "no shower" out of spite really makes you a bad actor in this whole thing.  Don't fall into that trap.

"Con" Thoughts:
1.  You're under no obligation to accept a shower.  You can just say "no thanks" and move on.  You don't have to offer her any explanation other than "I don't really want to do a shower that close to my due date."

2.  That being said, lots of people have a "meet the baby" gathering after the baby is born.  If you don't want a bunch of people handling the baby, either have the party a little later, or just make it clear that your pediatrician said to limit how many people hold the baby until the vaccinations kick in.

3.  Your mom may just feel like she's obligated to throw you a shower, which explains why she only thought about it at the last minute.  If you say "no thanks," it might come as a relief to both of you.  There are other ways she can be involved and show her interest in the baby (which might be a lot stronger after the baby is born -- or not) other than throwing a shower.

Good luck with this issue!

LarraO2530

Had the shower, my hubby wanted me to "keep the peace." It was held outside on a 90+ degree day with lunchmeat trays and many other "picnick" foods that shouldn't be left out anyway, but make even less sense for a pregnant woman. My mother was mad the whole time bc I would not eat the food except for some fruit an aunt brought that arrived the same time I did, even after I explained the reasons behind declining the no longer cold coldcut tray. It was a long day.
We now have our beautiful baby girl and have been home for a few days....with an unannounced visit twice to our house "just to drop off" various knick knacks and stuffed animals we don't have room for and to generally act inconvenienced when I have to feed the baby and gently push them toward the door. This is after tailgating at the hospital and complaining that they were not allowed to come see the baby until 2 hours after she was born. So much for "keeping the peace" bc no matter what I do, it's wrong.

harpseal135

LarraO2530 said:

Had the shower, my hubby wanted me to "keep the peace." It was held outside on a 90+ degree day with lunchmeat trays and many other "picnick" foods that shouldn't be left out anyway, but make even less sense for a pregnant woman. My mother was mad the whole time bc I would not eat the food except for some fruit an aunt brought that arrived the same time I did, even after I explained the reasons behind declining the no longer cold coldcut tray. It was a long day.
We now have our beautiful baby girl and have been home for a few days....with an unannounced visit twice to our house "just to drop off" various knick knacks and stuffed animals we don't have room for and to generally act inconvenienced when I have to feed the baby and gently push them toward the door. This is after tailgating at the hospital and complaining that they were not allowed to come see the baby until 2 hours after she was born. So much for "keeping the peace" bc no matter what I do, it's wrong.

Keep digging your heels into the ground.  You continue to do what's best for you and your family. 

By the way congrats on baby!