Let's talk baby shower guest lists (and other issues)

AMCsquared

Let's talk about the problems that may surround baby showers. We have been great sounding boards for each other, so let's help each other out with things that arise related to showers.

How are you creating your shower guest list? I ask this because there are relatives who I do not speak to (but my parents do). My parents want these people to be invited, but I feel very against that because I want people who I'm close with to be there with me. I don't want people who I haven't spoken to in years (and honestly have had beef with in the past and I greatly dislike them). Please tell me your own guest list theories or advice. Thanks!

Let's extend this thread to open it up to other shower related issues:
1. How are you creating your guest list? Any rules?
2. Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing at a home?
3. Are you selecting a theme? If so, what?
4. All female or co-ed?
5. Other shower related questions you need feedback on?

Piccola1988

@AMCsquared would these relatives cause problems at your shower?  If not, if your parents are hosting the shower, I might recommend just letting it go and avoiding these particular guests as best you can.  If you expect they may cause problems then it's a different situation and the whole "he who pays gets a say" thing might be overruled.  If it were me, if I didn't expect a scene and it meant that much to my parents (who are hosting mine), I would give in.

1.  How are you creating your guest list?  Any rules?
I'm modifying my bridal shower guest list from a few years back and handing it over to my mom to add anyone else she wants since she's hosting.

2.  Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing it at home?
We'll definitely be having it at a restaurant with a private room.

3.  Are you selecting a theme?  If so, what?
Probably just a color scheme (thinking maybe pale blue or teal with grey accents).

4.  All female or co-ed?
All female.  My husband has zero interest in attending a baby shower!

5.  Other shower related questions you need feedback on?
What are your thoughts on the whole "be a dear wrap in clear" thing?  I like the idea because then people sit through much less gift unwrapping, but I would worry about it seeming gift grabby or being an inconvenience.

AMCsquared

@Piccola1988 that color scheme is very cute.
I like the idea of the clear wrapping personally but I have heard my mom's generation complain about it.

As for the unwanted family I mentioned, no they wouldn't make a scene, but yes they'd say rude things because they always do. I don't do fake ever and I really don't want to have to pretend that day with these people when a baby shower is something so personal.
 I think my husband is technically hosting it, but my mom has mentioned maybe going 50/50 on it. He's under the impression that he's hosting it solo though.... yet to be totally determined.

ameliabedelia-2

Other than a suggested list of guests and a preference for all women/co-ed, I'd hand the rest over to the hosts. Ultimately, it's their decision given it's their time/dime. They will probably know your nursery theme and colors, but if they choose something else, I'd be grateful and gracious. I also wouldn't "advise" as to whether it should be at a home or restaurant since it's (more than likely) not your money being spent.  I'm very old school when it comes to this stuff, and probably a little dated in my perspective, but I just think the host should make these decisions with limited input from the mom to be....otherwise, doesn't that sort of make you the host? Other than a registry, I find any direction around gifts (or wrapping) tacky. 

Piccola1988

Agreed @ameliabedelia-2.  I should clarify as it wasn't apparent in my answers and may have detracted from my point, which was the same as yours - my answers were based on what my mom (the host) has decided.  She prefers a restaurant, she wants a color scheme - although she asked me to make suggestions, and she was the brains behind the wrap in clear idea.

lauren8717

1. How are you creating your guest list? Any rules?
Keeping it to close friends and family.  Mom and MIL will get to invite whoever from family/friends they would like.  BUT, I know this will be ok because they are very low key and don't push boundaries naturally- which is so appreciated!
2. Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing at a home?
TBD- probably a restaurant though since my mom is out of town and we will be in the middle of renovations at our home.
3. Are you selecting a theme? If so, what?
Up to the host.
4. All female or co-ed? 
More than likely all female.  I'm thinking about hosting a co-ed get together separately as a pre-baby/break in the house type of event.
5. Other shower related questions you need feedback on?
Who pays?  One of my really good friends has offered to throw/help plan.  This is very very generous, but I was thinking of offering to cover the expenses or have my mom co-host because I 1) am sensitive to the $$ aspect and 2) would like it to be a nice event without feeling guilty (host would do a wonderful job BTW-so I am in no way concerned about that!). Thoughts?  
Also, do you think 2 months prior to EDD is a good plan?  When are you starting your registry?

NME44

Agree with @ameliabedelia-2. The shower isn't for you to plan. If your host asks for a guest list, they usually are asking about friends or family members that they haven't already decided to invite.

i won't have a shower with this one, I don't think, but with my first, my mom hosted, it was at her house, women only, and we made all the food ourselves. It was a really lovely time. No theme

breezybee

Shower talk, huh?  Ok. I was just talking to my friend who's hosting my shower this weekend, so good timing. 

1. How are you creating your guest list? Any rules?
Im just making a list of who we'd like to have included. So far, it's at about 30. Yikes. 
2. Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing at a home?
Im very old school with showers. I will have no input whatsoever about the location, food, decor, etc. That's all up to my host. She's been planning my shower in her head for about 5 years lol. She did my Bridal shower also, and it was spectacular. She's a freaking pro, so I know I'm in good hands. 
3. Are you selecting a theme? If so, what?
Up to the host
4. All female or co-ed?
Again, I'm old school. I like an all female shower with the husband coming at the end to say hello and get gifts. 
5. Other shower related questions you need feedback on?
I don't have any questions about showers. I've thrown them and been to about 7 million.  One thing I did ask my host to have, and she agrees, is a ton of booze for non pregnant guests. Showers are boring as hell for everyone but the guest of honor lol!

@Piccola1988 I would probably steer clear of any gift wrapping requests. Some people are really not into it, so why take the risk of putting off some of your guests?  Just my 2 cents
@AMCsquared Would these rude people get you good gifts?  Lol. That would make the difference to me. Haha. No, I wouldn't invite people that I didn't like - I can't pretend either. I have no patience for it. 
@lauren8717 The host pays, and they may ask for contributions from co-hosts, etc, built that's their decision. Anytime I've hosted a shower, I've always expected to pay for everything with no help. If it's offered, I'll accept, but I would never ask for money from others.  You could offer, but I would say no to you if I were your host. 
2otnhs prior to your EDD would be just fine. You won't be super uncomfortable by then, and won't be in danger of early delivery. I would start your registry as soon as you can, then you can add to it over the next few months. 

Amber_Waves

I think a lot of this is for the host to decide.  It's not you throwing a party for yourself, it is someone else throwing a party for your growing family; you are a guest!  

1. How are you creating your guest list? Any rules?
My MIL and her sister want to co-host.  I think etiquette says that it should not be anyone as close as a MIL, but sometimes etiquette is best set aside.  We will give them a list of the friends & family we want to invite and they will add people, like their friends etc.  DH's parents are divorced, so I think the shower will just be Mom's side of his family & our friends.  We won't invite my family (they live far away) or DH's Dad's side.  Someone on DH's Dad's side can do a shower if they want.

2. Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing at a home?
I'l be happy with whatever, but have suggested a catered brunch either at MIL's house or at a restaurant of their choosing.  

3. Are you selecting a theme? If so, what?
The hosts might do a theme.  Not sure.  
I'll probably ask to help pick the invitations because I love paper products/ design.

4. All female or co-ed?
Co-ed for sure.  This was my one stipulation when agreeing to a shower.  I'm an introvert and HATE being the center of attention.  DH is an extrovert and LOVES attention.  Having him there will take a lot of pressure off of me and help me relax.  Also, half my friends are dudes, and they like babies and baby stuff, so I would feel bad excluding them.

5. Other shower related questions you need feedback on?
I was looking at invites on etsy and it looked like a lot included information about where the parents were registered.  Is this considered okay now?  I was told that was tacky and to either do an insert or just not mention and have people ask the host if they wanted to buy a gift / wanted a registry.

AMCsquared

@ameliabedelia-2 but as i mentioned above, it seems that my husband will most likely be hosting it. So with the old school rules out, how would u approach this?

kyrwyn

Disclaimer: My family can be tough, and complicated beyond reason.

My mom and step-mom are co-planning my shower which is a) the stuff of nightmares and b) a pretty good indicator that the party is not really for me/us/baby. So I've resolved to just be grateful, if a little wary.  If it goes completely sideways, DH and I will have another hilarious family story/cautionary-tale to share and possibly some cool things for LO. If it is even moderately successful, it will be a huge step forward in mom/step-mom coordination. Either way, there will probably be cake.

Because our shower is unlikely to be our style or speed, we're making other opportunities to celebrate with our friends and close family outside of the shower.  I have found that it is easier to create my own opportunities for joy than to re-mold or shape anything my family has set in motion.  We've made it a point to do something special when telling each of our family-by-choice about the incoming kiddo, and we will probably have something like a "sip and see" (a great term I learned from you ladies!) to introduce him to our nearest and dearest after the holiday family extravaganza.  So far these moments have been really special to us!

This is what 3 decades of coping with my "blended" family has taught me. YMMV.   

ameliabedelia-2

@AMCsquared, sooooooo, this is tricky. Because it's really close to hosting it yourself (since it's likely being paid for jointly, planned with all your input, potentially at your own home.....?  In this situation, I would have the shower at a restaurant and foot the entire bill. I would make it co-ed so it's not weird that he's around to direct activities/timeline/etc. You want to remove yourself as much as possible from the actual planning/hosting aspect since you are technically a guest. I would also encourage your mom to help as well, to add someone else to the hosting party. 

Old school etiquette states that the shower should not be hosted by a close family member or spouse, but instead by a friend, cousin, aunt, etc. Times have obviously changed and I don't know a ton of people who would judge you for a spouse-hosted shower, but allow him to take the reigns and just enjoy the pampering:) 

flowerpower5838

AMCsquared Just my two cents: I wouldn't consider the parent(s)-to-be not hosting a shower an old school rule. I think that's one of the ones that is pretty universal in most social groups. My only advice would be to wait out and see if someone offers to throw you a shower.  

Amber_Waves

kyrwyn said:

This is what 3 decades of coping with my "blended" family has taught me. YMMV.   

I'm only on year 6 of dealing with a divorced/blended family (DH's) and it is so complicated! It's cool that your mom and step-mom want to work together, I hope it goes well!

AMCsquared

looking at general responses, i am so surprised at how the norms can differ! wow! i'm thinking of my close friends and the baby showers they had- they all held them. it seems the general consensus on this board is to have someone host for you, but to me that just seems so rude, so i am quite surprised!  for example, my mom already poured her heart into throwing my bridal shower. i wouldn't want to burden her again with another shower. honestly, my friends took care of making their favors, setting up the decorations, planning the themes, etc. (of their own baby showers),  so thats why i expected to do the same. (plus i enjoy doing that stuff so it's not a problem for me personally) 

AMCsquared

@lauren8717 that is sweet that your mom and MIL will be working together. are they close? that's a dynamic i haven't experienced. in regards to your timeline question, yes i think 2 months prior is a good plan!  

@breezybee LOL to your comment. and yeah i'm totally that same way... no faking for me.

@kyrwyn thats nice that you're such a blended family and interesting about the possible cautionary tale lol!

Amber_Waves

@AMCsquared Yeah, baby showers only became common after WW2, so it's not so surprising that the norms vary!  If that's what your friends did, then they won't bat an eye when you host your own shower. 

AMCsquared

That's interesting!

kyrwyn

@AMCsquared "Rules" about hosting aside... If you're hosting -- and especially at your own home -- then I think you're well within reason to exclude whomever makes you uncomfortable.  But I feel fiercely protective of the sanctuary of my own home, and that does not always jive with good etiquette.  Only you know exactly how strongly you feel about this, and how willing you are to ruffle feathers to enforce it.  

AMCsquared

Well put. Damn those feathers 

ashtynmo

My SIL offered to host. We want a co-ed shower because honestly I don't have a lot of female friends. Are DH and I's grandparents usually invited to these sort of things? DH and I are disagreeing on whether to invite them.

KathrynJ088

1. How are you creating your guest list? Any rules?
One of my close friends + SIL are hosting, so I'll just provide a list of my side of the family since friend will know what friends to invite and SIL will have that side of the family covered. I don't have any family beef, and drama seems to occur no matter what, so it's an open invitation really. 

2. Are you searching for a location to rent/a restaurant to host it/doing at a home?
It will be held at my house, which is great bc then I don't have to lug all the stuff back home afterwards! 

3. Are you selecting a theme? If so, what?
My host asked me to, we're doing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars". A lot of the twin themes are overdone I feel like (2 peas in a pod, thing 1 thing 2, etc)

4. All female or co-ed?
Very likely all female. The dudes will likely go play and drink at Top Golf, as is tradition. 

5. Other shower related questions you need feedback on?
Just trying to decide on the timing bc of twins. My MFM says I won't go past 38 weeks (falls on Nov 19th), and I would like to have it done before potential bed rest (pre-existing back problems make this more likely). 

KathrynJ088

@ashtynmo my grandma's would kill me if I didn't invite them, same with my DH's grammie!

AMCsquared

Def grandmas!

andipandicWed121369

Just a suggestion from things I learned from my wedding shower.  Too many people can get overwhelming.  I learned that with a huge wedding shower so asked my family to host a family shower and my husband's mom offered to host a shower for their family (we're both the youngest of 5 so lots of family to go around) and then my bff hosted a very casual friend shower.  Each shower was different and we enjoyed each one because the groups were smaller and most people felt comfortable because they knew people in their shower.  
We won't be doing a shower this time so I'm not worried about it but thought I'd pass on a few thoughts.

I totally agree that you should leave all the major details to the host.  Your job is to give them your registry and to find a cute outfit to wear for the party!

breezybee

@KathrynJ088 Were in the same boat with twins. I'll probably have my shower in September, but you could do late August, since you're a couple weeks ahead of me. 

And of course you invite grandparents!  Lol my grandma would kick my ass if she wasn't invited. 

I prefer larger showers. They seem to go by faster, and people have more fun with lots of different groups to hang out with. That's just my experience

KathrynJ088

 My family tends to flake on showing up to my events. I'm still a little bitter that out of six sisters, only one could bother to make it to my bridal shower. They all live in town,  at most a 30 minute drive, and none of them said they weren't coming either. They'll still be invited to the baby shower, but I have zero expectations of any of them showing up.

That being said, I don't think I'll have the overwhelming feeling of too many people that @andipandicWed121369 was explaining. 

lamontessorimom

I ended up having two showers with my first and it was perfect. My girlfriends threw me a shower which was also the same day as my birthday and they all flew in or drove down for it and it was the best weekend! A few weeks before that we went up to my husband's grandmothers house and all of the family was invite. We were the first of all the cousins to get married and have a baby in this generation so it was very exciting for everyone to be included. It took off a lot of pressure too that everyone was welcome and entertained by the other family members who just like getting together for any occasion, and I didn't have to invite them all to my girlfriends only baby shower! 

AMCsquared

@lamontessorimom that sounds pretty nice having the 2 separate showers. Probably made things easier socially too.

@KathrynJ088 wth is up with your sisters??? 

tamaraaaa

I won't be having a shower since this is my second, but the host decides.  A good host would ask your input, especially on a guest list but in my mind if someone is close enough to throw you a shower they would also probably know to invite.  
I would normally advise you not to throw your own shower and wait for someone to step up and do it, but if that's what your friends do then that's what is normal for your group.  If you want to host, I would wait and do a small gathering after the baby is born, like a sip and see.  We did a BBQ about 2 weeks after my daughter was born for people to come over and it was perfect...  Nobody felt like they had to bring gifts and everyone could hang and drink a beer and relax.  My daughter slept for 90% of it in a carrier.  

whiska

Am I the only one kind of dreading a baby shower?  It's weird because I actually love going to them and planning them (I enjoy the games and the punch and cute cakes!), but I don't have that many friends and it will mostly be family.  And I don't want my sister to feel like she needs to pad the guest list by inviting people I'm not that close to, and thus making me feel gift grabby... Also, I live in one city where the few friends I would invite live, but all my family is in another city.  So it would just be family at the one back home because the friends here aren't close enough for me to be like, hey you want to drive 3 hours to my shower?  But I don't have enough friends here to have 2 showers.  (Not that I need two!  But I know that's what works best for some situations).  

Do you think it's weird for me to ask my sister if we could make it co-ed?  Then it could just be another big family party.  But that would also double the food cost for her and my mom
ETA - Okay, maybe no on the co-ed idea.  In my head I thought we could do it super casual with lawn games and barbecue, but I forgot it's going to be October/November!  Whoops!

Other than that this thread has really opened my eyes that I'm going to be totally hands off (which is tough because I loooove planning parties) and be truly grateful for my sister and her efforts.

mdcd44127

@whiska I'm in sort of the same boat, mine will be hosted by my mom at her house and will be mostly family. I'm asking her to make it co-ed so that it's more like a family party, and we'll invite a few of my friends but I doubt they'll make the drive. I'm not super excited about it, I absolutely HATE being the center of attention and opening presents in front of people, makes my skin crawl. But this shower will honestly be more for my mom than for me, so it is what it is.

@AMCsquared to answer your original question (I'm way late to the game)... I'm in the boat that family drama has no place in my life (and I really have trouble controlling my facial expressions/snide comments), so I don't waste time with rude family members. My mom is the opposite of me and would almost definitely invite my rude aunts/cousin if they didn't live out of state. Best of luck to you in whatever choice you/your host makes.

Katya1982

Maybe I am dense, but "wrap in clear" is totally perplexing to me. Isn't the whole point of wrapping a present to make a fun surprise of opening it?! If you are going to wrap in translucent paper, why not just not wrap it at all? What in the world is the fun of taking off clear wrapping? I honestly don't understand, and would appreciate someone explaining. I thought clear wrapping is just for gift baskets, which are already beautiful without wrapping, to keep the dust off fruit and make sure nothing falls out of the basket in transport...

I am also with those who are against giving wrapping instructions. People love picking out cute baby paper, bows, bags, etc. Also,  instructions about gifts altogether can be annoying, in my opinion, especially if the host is closely related to the baby or parents. I went to a shower once where the host was the grandma-to-be and the invitation specifically requested no cards; it said please get  a signed baby book instead if you are planning to get a card. I remember being annoyed. Even though I can see how throwing away a stack of cards after a party highlights their wastefulness, I wanted to write a note to my friend... it was very weird to be forbidden from doing so, lol. I ended up getting both a card (breaking the rules) and a book. On the other hand, I went to a mini-shower organized by a friend of the mom for a second baby where they asked for only books as presents because she already had the rest of the baby stuff and that request didn't annoy me at all. (Cards were not prohibited :P).

RE: boring gift-opening. My host had a great idea to make the gift opening entertaining. She had a gift bingo game planned. So she had paper game boards with square that were, say 4X4 or 5X5, and before opening the gifts the guests guessed about what items I would receive. They wrote a different item in each square. You got to check off any items that you guessed correctly and the first person to get a whole row filled out got a prize. It seemed like a lot of fun (I sort of wanted to play too!). At my shower there were some guests who were non-native speakers of English, so it was a lot of fun clarifying and debating terms e.g. "Do booties count as socks?" "Is a onesie a shirt?" 

ameliabedelia-2

@Katya1982, ugh. I can't stand when people ask for books instead of cards. As if it's comparing apples to apples. Oh, instead of picking up a $1.50 card while at the store you already visit almost daily, please bring a $5-10 book instead...that you will need to make a special trip to pick up. And then you get all the people who will say, oh I loved buying a book and writing a cute message to the baby....then great! You do that. But don't make it a requirement of all the guests (who will all buy cards most likely anyway).  I have inappropriately ragey feelings about this. 

mdcd44127

@Katya1982 @ameliabedelia-2 I feel the exact same way! My mom first told me about this when she was invited to someone else's baby shower about a year ago and I was like "they want what?!" People are still going to get you a card, now they have to pay more for a second gift (since nice books aren't cheap). I get offering that as an option for people who have the time/money/desire to do so (I mean sure, it's a cute idea), but don't make it a "requirement".

whiska

@Katya1982 I also do not understand the "wrap in clear" instructions.  Just don't wrap it and it can be displayed, with a tag if you want!  But I also agree with your overarching theme which is - it's tacky to dictate how a present should be wrapped.
ETA - Personally I don't find gift-opening boring, but the bingo game does seem like a fun idea!  Especially if you have a ton of guests and anticipate gift-opening to take a while.

@ameliabedelia-2 With you. The book thing is weird because it's sounds so cute and nice in theory, but actually you're just asking me for a different, specific, still kinda pricey present, and I have to mark it up?  I'm a lover of books and feel weird writing in them.  I recently went to a coworker's shower with this request, and I was flummoxed as to what I should write.  Why would her daughter care about a message from her mom's coworker decades ago?  
If you want books, put them on your registry.  People will be happy to buy them or tack them on to whatever blanket or onesie they were already planning on buying!

kyrwyn

I have been to showers that requested books instead of other gifts, but never books instead of cards.  I agree with the price difference complaints.  Since books are one of my go-to shower gifts, I'd end up functionally "just giving a card".

Totally off topic, but I found my childhood copy of Where the Wild Things Are while cleaning out some boxes of old books, etc.  The thought of giving it to our LO made me so happy I had a huge cry in the middle of our bedroom, surrounded by piles for Keep, Good Will, and Trash/Recycle.  DH thought I was crazy.

anewadventure

@whiska  do you live somewhere that isn't gorgeous in october? i always had coed showers (basically giant family parties) for wedding and baby no. 1 and i highly recommend. really, showers are best from 26 to 32 weeks anyway, if that helps with the weather?

the book thing is great in theory but fails in practice. you get lots of duplicate books, but they've mostly been written in, so you can't return them. i prefer people to give books because it means something to them personally and not because they are required to. 

i've never even heard of wrapping in clear and will bluntly say, uh, NO. just don't. 

i think this thread is going to have me side-eyeing people but showers can be a touchy subject unless you're just a big IDGAF about etiquette kind of person...

Jellybelly119

I'd like to know where you can still buy a card for $1.50!! I recently went to a friend's shower that didn't ask for books instead of cards, and as I refuse to spend $4.99 on a piece of paper that's going to be trashed within a few hours, I bought a book instead. 

I tend to side eye anything that deviates from normal, traditional shower etiquette, but I do love the book thing. I agree, though; there isn't a polite way to demand any sort of gifts.

Edit: clarity 

tamaraaaa

At this point I can find a book cheaper than I can find a card.

Tennis11785

I'm interested to see so many opinions about the books as card thing.  I've been to several baby showers that have done the book as a card thing, and I always just determined how much I was comfortable spending and included the cost of the book when picking an item off the registry.  And I've always been amazed that there haven't been more duplicate books received.  The last one I went to had like 50 women and I think there was only one duplicate book.  I think there were more duplicate items (because someone saw it on the registry and then ordered it off Amazon instead of from BRU) than duplicate books!  

I totally get why some people don't like it.  I've just been to enough that have done it, that I don't think twice anymore.