Sh*t my kid says...

beezeee

Let's hear all the sweet, silly, and naughty things your kids are saying!



Edited to fix an atrocious grammatical error.

jessafishy

Yesterday, DS told DH that birds eat fingernails. When DH asked who told him that DS said my sister told him. She has no idea what he is talking about. 

beezeee

This morning DD farted and shouted, "that was a juicy one!" Nothing actually came out with it, but it sounded juicy. DH and I have no filter around her, she obviously heard that from him. Meanwhile my friends are busy teaching their kids to only use "potty words" in the bathroom. Whatevs.

beezeee

@jessafishy DD is always pointing fingers and her grandparents and daycare teachers when we ask her where she heard something. I can guarantee most of these things didn't come from them... I'm assuming it's the other kids at school or just weird things she makes up.

ForwardnBackward

Me: (Lays 2 year old in crib) na-night I love you.
DS:  (points to door) Go momma!

Does not help my ego.

beezeee

@ForwardnBackward if I interrupt DD while she's playing independently, she frequently says, "go make dinner, mom."

OliveOyl2014

DD likes her privacy when pooping. We were at the store the other day and she darts into the next aisle. I run after her and she puts her hand up and yells, "stop mama, don't come down here, im poopin!" I swear the whole store started laughing. 

kkerner87

Lol these are funny! My 20 month old still only says words vs whole sentences, but when I pick her up after work, she hugs me and says "cook..." Or she tells me "clean..." Like um... Thats a little rude. Or if i am "parenting" her she puts her hand out and yells "No! Stop!..." Then says someyhing in toddler gibberish which I'm sure is F YOU in baby language haha 

purplestarz

Love this. I feel like I'll be coming back here all day adding things. This happened the other day.

*DD holds up a toy princess "crown"*
DD - "what's this?"
me - "a crown"
DD - "No, Momma, IT'S A TIARA."

i didnt know i was I was being tested.

bluejeanbabi05

Lolll laughing so hard. 

We went our to dinner the other night with my best friend and her two girls (2 and 5). DH was sitting next to the 5 year old and majorly bonding with her (all the heart eyes). So when we were in the parking lot headed to our cars, the two of them were playing a rhyming game. He would give her a word and she would be like "snow, go, low." 

He gave her the word duck and she goes "ducky, fucky!" And of course we were all cracking up so she kept yelling it as loud as she could in the parking lot. So funny.

eta: and to add to the feelz, my bff texted me that night that when they got in the car, her 5 year old said, "ryan is my best buddy" DH was walking on air all night after that 

sdarling2010

This morning DD got up and this was our conversation:

Me: How did you sleep?
DD: Good!
Me: Did you have any dreams?
DD: Yep! I dreamt about Liam (LO). 

  

crazypuglady

My nephew is a HUGE tech nerd. He's been one his whole life.. I mean from the time he could hold a phone, he's been obsessed. He's 8 now, loves math.. has his own laptop and likes to make spreadsheets lol. Once when I was babysitting, he wanted to watch Modern Family.. but it was an episode where everyone was just texting each other back and forth.. my sister said, yeah, that's the only one he watches

Anyways, he was FaceTiming me last week and said "Aunt crazypuglady? You have a baby in your belly?" I said yup.. and when you come visit, we're going to find out if it's a boy or a girl! He said "If it's a boy... can you name him Google?"

DED.

My niece however, couldn't care less about tech stuff. If she gets the phone during FaceTime.. she hangs up lol. (She's 5). She also always makes sure to say "HI GRANDMA!!!" I'm not your grandma kid!  Every time! lol.

monstera13

These are hilarious! Keep 'em coming STMs! 

canonmom413

DD2 (7) refuses to change diapers because she said , " Boys pee different than girls and I am NOT going to be covered in pee.. ewww!" she has friends with baby brothers and knows they are different. 

DD2 also stated she no longer wants to be a zoologist. She wants to be a "photo-Ologist " . I asked her what that was, she said it's what you do mommy! Oh , you mean a photographer ? She said, yes but ologist makes it sound fancier. 

tyannej

Since I don't have kids, here's mine and my nephews conversations yesterday, he's 3.

Him: "Where's your baby?"
Me: "It's still in my tummy"
Him: "STILL?! She's taking forever!!!"
Me: "Well she's gotta grow a ltitle more and then she'll be here"
Him: "Why does she have to grow? The doctor is just going to take her out of your belly button" 


WHAT? I tried not to laugh, because he's got the right idea lol!! 

beezeee

@tyannej DD also thinks LO is in my belly button. I'll put her hand a little lower on my stomach to feel LO kicking, and she always corrects me and moves her hand to my belly button. She also gets super close and tries to see LO by looking through my belly button.

OliveOyl2014

When my nephew was younger he would get nosebleeds. The doctor told my sister in law to rub some vaseline on the inside of his nose to help. He got a nosebleed at school one time and the teacher asked him what his mommy does when his nose bleeds, and he told her, "She puts gasoline in my nose!" My sister in law got a phone call home about that one lol. 

riverrainez

DS was super cranky in the car yesterday and he goes, "Mama I have big feelings." 

Also in the same car ride we passed the hospital where he was born and I was explaining that his baby sister would be born there too. Then I said "Do you want a baby sister?"
DS: "NO!"
Me: "Okay, well you're getting one."
DS: "I want TWO baby sisters!"

A few days ago he was talking about their pet rabbit at daycare and he goes, "Bunny Lewis has a wheelchair! Bunny Lewis has a diaper!" In my head I was like, "wtf are you talking about kid" and we talked about how bunnies don't wear diapers but little boys and girls do. A few days later I saw that Bunny Lewis is indeed in a wheelchair and a diaper (apparently he's really old and his back legs are going out). Kid was telling the truth!

sjohns908

This was 5 years ago, but it's still one of my favorites. My mom and I took my two kids and drove across country to visit with my brother for a few days. As we got close to town, my 3yo DD1 asks where she's going to sleep when we get to my aunt's house, so my mom tells her that she has a hide-a-bed. Without missing a beat, DD goes "she's not going to hide the bed from us!!"

curlyq423

one afternoon my son pushed out his tummy and said "I have babies in my tummy!" I laughed and told him boys don't Get babies in their tummies. He thought for a second and said "I have babies in my penis!"  

 He had learned the night before mommies don't have a penis when he asked if my belly button was one, so I'm not sure if that's how he was connecting the dots!  

Btw, my belly button doesn't look like penis so I'm not sure why he thought that!

TallMomma29

DD1 keeps telling people that when she turns 3, she's going to go to the doctor and get babies put in her tummy just like mommy.  

monstera13

@TallMomma29 That will add some excitement to your TLC show  

crazypuglady

I thought of another one for my niece lol

She was 2 at the time. I was laying on a hotel bed with my knees up, and she was sitting on my stomach with her back against my knees, facing me and watching something on my iPad. Her feet were by my head and they were a little smelly. I said "Gemma... you have stinky feet." She picked up her foot and brought it to her nose, sniffed it and said "Ewwwww.....Stinky!!!!! Mommy!?!" (To my sister/her mother next to me) When my sister said "yes" she shoved her foot in my sister's face and said "EAT IT!"

WTF? LOL

purplestarz

@crazypuglady that's great. DD will pull off her socks, smell it, say "EWWW" and then try to get you to smell it too.

sometimes I wonder if she'll have friends when she's older.

asickles98

6 year old just told her siblings, "stop talking during the movie.  You are making me lose my voice and I am about to lose my temper." 

2 year old "no mommy daddy changes my diaper not you."  Gotta love a daddy's girl!

beezeee

We were just playing with my belly and feeling LO kick, and I told DD that once baby sister gets bigger, my belly button will disappear. She gives me this panicked look, quickly pulled my shirt down over my belly, and said, "I not want to see your belly-ton." Now she's acting all sad and moody. I guess I freaked her out 

nbcarlson

DS says a bunch of funny things but of course now I can't think of any. He couldn't pronounce fingers right for a long time so it always sounded like he was saying penis. He was also watching a Youtube review show recently and they were playing a game and kept saying "spike you" and my son started saying it but it sounded like "f**k you" DH and I were like "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!" and then he showed us what he was talking about.

jessafishy

If a curse word slips out in front of DS he says " mommy, don't say that. That's daddy's word."

Any guesses on which parent has the worst potty mouth in our house? Lol.

carries2018

3yo was coughing and I asked if she was ok "yea my throat just has cavities" guess they are learning about teeth hygiene at school. 

carries2018

I forget what happened but it was nothing major, leah knocked Cara's book off the table or something by accident. DD1 = Leah 3yo, DD2 = Cara 2yo

me: ooops Leah say sorry 
cara: sorry Leah (misunderstanding what I said) 
leah: oh sweetheart you don't have to be sorry. It's ok! 

carries2018

Cara: banana...banana...banana
leah: stop saying banana! 
Cara: banana...banana...banana
leah: CARA! PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT!!!!
Cara: Apple. Apple. Apple. Apple. 

Lololzzzz little sisters

sjohns908

DD2 is 3 and she has a zit on her face. Tonight she asked DH what it was, he told her and she proceeded to march around the house telling everyone about it. She went up to DD1 and goes "wanna see my zit? Look at my zit". I went to brush her teeth and she goes "mommy, see, I have a zit on my face". Yes kid, we got it 

purplestarz

Speaking of potty mouths, I'll never forget when DD dropped something on our wood floor, it made a loud noise, and she said, "oh sh*t!"

we had friends over and no one could stop laughing. I was slightly proud it was even used in the correct context. Luckily, this has somehow been only a one time occurrence.

When she says fish, it sometimes sounds like it starts with a b, so that's fun.

carries2018

Our dogs name is Vince when DD2 says it, it sounds like "tits" 

buttercream_frosting

"Oh shit " 
What My 2yo says when he drops things.... 

canonmom413

I drive a black 16 explorer. The girls know it's also what all the cops in our area drive now too. 

Driving home last night a street bike cut us off. Clearly he had a death wish. I guess he didn't realize the color or type of our car because after a few minutes we caught up to him. He was popping wheelies and acting dumb. He then stops and stares back at us. I was not tailgating him. I do not want to cause him to crash. But DD2 goes, " mom he must think your a cop. Can I yell wooo-weee, wooo-weeee woooo-weeeee out the window and scare him ?!" 

My life. 

flgirl20134

DS is three. He was piling all his fake kitchen food into a basket to bring to his little table for us to eat. He tripped and spilled the container of toy food on the floor and proceeds to scream g$d dammit mommy! Like three times. Neither DH or I say this so I'm not sure where he learned it. He has done this in front of guests too, I can't get him to stop...mother of the year award lol. 

canonmom413

We covered DD2, now let's cover DD1 (10) Here's a look into the pre teen girl future for you. 

We went to Chevys for lunch today. They give kids tortilla dough to play with at the table. So we're finishing up waiting on our check and DD2 is making a "dough crayon on a crayon stand" . Except it didn't look like a crayon on a crayon stand at all. It looked well quite male. So DH and I, immature nuts we are giggle. DD1 looks over at her sisters creation and busts out laughing. I asked her why she was laughing. What did it look like to her. She turns bright red, starts tearing from embarrassment and is still giggling. I asked again, what's so funny , what did she see it looked like. She whispers, " mom, it's a penis" I am trying so hard not to  lose it in the restaurant from her serious and embarrassed tone. I then go omg, how do you know what one looks like ( she only knows boys have one ). Then dummy me realizes she helped her friends toddler brother to the bathroom before. Uh duh! It was hysterical how she said it and how embarrassed she got.