Monday Bitchfest 4/24

peachy13

Hi ladies -- hope you all had excellent weekends! 

My BIL and SIL found out somehow that we're pregnant even though we haven't told them (or anyone!) yet. We're keeping it to ourselves until my next appt in 2 weeks, which is when my OB said it would be safe to share the news assuming all goes well. *TW* We're obviously proceeding with caution this time around since I told people too early last time, and then had to go back to all those people a week later and tell them I wasn't pregnant anymore, which probably was the worst part of everything. So we're just treading lightly here and making sure to announce when it's safe.

But somehow BIL and SIL know, and they're  being annoying about it. We saw them this weekend and BIL was like "sooooooo what's new with you guys?" and looked directly at me. They were also staring at my drink (which was water in a beer can) and basically watching my every move. They did this when we saw them last weekend too, and I'm sure they've been gathering evidence to build their case. I mean, they're not wrong, but I'm feeling a little pissed off because we're obviously not ready to share the news yet. I wish we could, but it's just not the right time. BIL even went as far as cornering DH and winking at him and saying "I know what's going on" while DH just kind of shrugged and said he had no idea what BIL was talking about. They know about our MC last time around so I'm kind of surprised they're teasing us about not revealing the news. I don't care if people are on to me, but don't give us a hard time just because you are too impatient to hear about what's going on in my uterus. 

camomile_june

@peachy13 urgh, that sounds awful. I get that young people who haven't been TTC or had babies yet can sometimes be like that, but your BIL/SIL should know better! 

dragonette505

@peachy13 what I wanna know is who spilled the beans! lol I would be very displeased as well... You want to do things in your own time and in your own way! If I were them and somehow found out, but wasn't told, basically I would pretend I didn't know anything (and NOT spread it around, just in case!) until you made your announcement...

Tennis11785

@peachy13 - That's super annoying. Clearly you're not ready to share, why try and force it out of you.  I don't get why people do that.  

flowerpower5838

@peachy13 Gahhhhhhh that is SOOO frustrating. I am a master detective when it comes to that kind of stuff so maybe they just happened to notice something since it doesn't seem like there was anyone with knowledge of your pregnancy to share that info with them. Still, with them knowing your history they should absolutely tread lightly. I could NEVER imagine calling someone out, or even allude to it. I also have a history of loss though. People don't get that for some people PGAL isn't something that we can be super excited about until we are comfortable. Hugs to you - hope these two weeks fly by!!

jfritschie

@peachy13 I can also relate to how you feel. My dad has been bugging me to announce so HE can announce on social media. He just couldn't understand even though I had already explained to him that after my miscarriage (first pregnancy before DS) that I was being very careful. All my close family and friends know already so I'm not sure why he's being such a pain about it. 

beaandthebabes

@peachy13 i don't get why people want so much control over pregnancy news. It isn't a hot bit of gossip, especially when you've suffered a loss. It is your baby and your story and only you and DH decide when it is time to tell. It is special and important and you deserve to do it your way and when you feel ready. 

bamacoop

@peachy13 That's super annoying. I don't why, but for some reason, when it comes to pregnancy, everyone feels like it's their business. I don't think there's anything else in someone's life that other people get so invested in than a pregnancy.

peachy13

thanks everyone! @flowerpower5838 haha I am also so on to stuff like that too but of course would never tease someone into revealing the truth. I'm sure it's just something they noticed (like me refusing a glass of wine one afternoon or something, and only drinking out of beer cans --it's definitely alcohol related).

GraysonsMama

@peachy13 people can be annoying but cornering your husband is completely unacceptable. Learn to read a room people! 

Afm I had to switch OBs this time around and just found out that my new one doesn't do an ultrasound until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. With my previous two I had one at 8 weeks and 20 weeks. Not a big deal, just kind of bummed. But I should be able to hear the heartbeat at my first OB appointment at 10 weeks, so there's that

AMCsquared

That's so annoying. Even if they figured it out why can't they be cool about it. My mother in law is asking me every 2 seconds and some of my friends bc they knew my ttc timeline. 

tamaraaaa

I'm on jury duty today.  Enough said.

bamacoop

@tamaraaaa Yikes. Have....fun, I guess?

peachy13

@GraysonsMama i'm glad you still get the 10 week heartbeat appointment! 

failuretofly

@peachy13 that's annoying. You should make a point of telling them last just to spite them lol

@GraysonsMama You should be able to opt for the First Trimester Screen around 11 weeks too if you want

ngarciabyu

My MMBF, I woke up with a sore throat. So I'm getting sick and that sucks. Also I'm not feeling any pregnancy symptoms besides sore boobs, and honestly I'm a nervous wreck about it for no good reason. thats probably more for the symptom thread, but it's making my Monday morning yucky on top of my soar throat.

Tennis11785

@GraysonsMama - Yeah, you should be offered a scan at 11-12 weeks.  It's a U/S and bloodwork.  I highly suggest people get it.  **TW** With my pregnancy last year, everything was looking great until I had this test.  That's when they learned my baby had serious problems.  My doctor said without it, they wouldn't have known and I would have been one of those people you hear about who has a random 2nd tri loss that they had no idea was coming.  At least it gave me time to understand and process what happening and it gave me a bit of closure, opposed to never knowing what happened.  

vvitchhazel

I've complained about it here ready, but my MIL basically managed to leak it to her entire side of the family and is lying about it. Everyone knows, but at least they're not talking about it. The funny part is that MIL wanted us to wait forever to announce DD, *TW* because she had a loss at 12 weeks */TW*. Suddenly she feels like she can just tell whoever she wants? She also was telling people about her niece's IF, so I guess it's not a huge stretch, but we're disappointed in her. 

So many people just don't understand the etiquette. And most of them just don't care. It's sad. Sorry to all of you who also have insensitive family/friends who are pushy about YOUR pregnancy.

peachy13

@vvitchhazel that's sooo annoying. My FIL would be the same way which is why we are purposely telling him last. I love him dearly but he can't keep anything private to himself and with my SIL's pregnancy, he pretty much told everyone before she had the chance to tell us. It sucks because it's your news to tell, not your MIL's.

AFrye0726

@peachy13 that is awful.  I'm dreading telling everyone for the same reason.  There is a chance this will be the last grand baby on both sides, so everyone is way too excited already.

Yesterday was the boys party. It was great and so many people showed. (we were close to 60)
But I totally asked people to not buy presents, and it took two cars to bring everything home. I love that our kids are loved, but seriously don't ask me what to get them and do the opposite. 

eazybreezy225

Speaking of family I've got a whole mess of them coming out in 6 weeks for a reunion.
I love them but they are super religious Utah Mormons (on both my side and my husband's side).
DH and I both grew up in that world but detached ourselves from it all a long time ago.
I'm a very open minded and tolerant person... but by god these people are infuriating... super bigoted. They pity us because we have "lost our way". Throw into the mix that I am openly Pagan and that's when sh*t really gets good.
It's frustrating to me that religion plays a role in our relationship at all. But it's difficult to try and be a voice of reason when it's the few against the many.
Our families will be happy for us with the news of the expected arrival of our 4th and last baby. But it definitely won't be as celebrated as it would be if we were raising our kids "in the church".

Tennis11785

@eazybreezy225 I'm really sorry to hear that your family isn't going to celebrate as they would if your kids were being raised "in the church."  That's rough because family is supposed to be family.  But I'm glad you (seem) to be in a good mental place about it and accept it for what it is.  Good luck! 

cait5413

jfritschie said:

@peachy13 I can also relate to how you feel. My dad has been bugging me to announce so HE can announce on social media. He just couldn't understand even though I had already explained to him that after my miscarriage (first pregnancy before DS) that I was being very careful. All my close family and friends know already so I'm not sure why he's being such a pain about it. 

This was my mom last pregnancy. We told our parents early and were waiting to tell everyone else til the 1st trimester was over. My mom kept bugging me to let her tell people, and I kept saying NO. 

kater622

On a family note too... my mom and my aunt got into a fight with each other over dinner last week on whether or not I could drink wine during my pregnancy. While I sat there quietly drinking water. Later my mom text me and said "I'm still pissed that she thinks she can tell you its safe to drink wine just because she did!". So then I had to have a whole conversation about how I'd rather not have ANYONE telling me what I can and can't do other than my doctor. I was more angry about my mom acting like I'm so naive or impressionable that if my aunt said it was ok to drink wine I was just going to start chugging it or something? My mother has the tendency to treat me like I'm a child still (and it's not malicious, it's usually coming from a good place). She really thinks she knows what's best for everyone. Her and I are very close but that side of her DRIVES ME NUTS. I constantly have to set boundaries with her, and I struggle with doing it in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings. 

splsmama2016

1- DD refuses to nap today. She had a half hour "nap" in the car on the way home from morning activities, and now she's rolling around in her crib whining because she's tired but won't sleep. This is going to be a LOOOOOOONG pregnancy if she keeps this up. 
2- In March, we started a home improvement project in the kitchen. We hired a contractor who has done many many projects at my parents' house to build/install drawers/shelves/window seat. This SHOULD have only taken 3 weeks max. We are now 6 weeks into the project and its not done. I'm annoyed and just want my house back. I haven't been able to keep Sydney on her normal nap schedule because fumes/loud noises/dust, so its been rough.

failuretofly

@Tennis11785 Wow I'm sorry that happened, but it's good that you got closure. A 2nd tri loss is always devastating. I agree that I recommend the 11 week scan, it can bring attention to potential abnormalities and give you time to decide what to do about them or prepare for what it means in the long run. 

@vvitchhazel Ugh that is so frustrating. Why do people not understand the concept of privacy.

@eazybreezy225 that sounds like a difficult situation, I'm glad you've come around to a place where you're accepting of it. 

@cait5413 My mom was like that too. We told our family at 9 weeks and my mom was soooo annoying about being able to brag on facebook. She wanted to post on her page within minutes of me posting my facebook announcement.. I was like can I have 24 hours before you steal my thunder? thanks.

My MBF is my midwife office. They have super restrictive hours, yet insist that DH be there for the 1st appointment. He tried to call and coordinate an appointment that would work for him, but seeing as their latest appointment in the day is 3:30, and he works until 5:30... it didn't really work out. We just have to hope the day of the appointment he can manage to leave work on time, which is difficult because he is the supervisor and he really shouldn't be leaving his subordinates. Its even more frustrating because I work shift work and DH only works monday-thursday so we could easily go at any time, any friday... but they only do appointments on wednesdays and thursdays...

vvitchhazel

@kvacmak That's super annoying. It's difficult how inflexible they can be, but you have to bend over backwards to fit in with them. It's so stressful!

Tennis11785

@kvacmak - thanks.  I had getting all debbie downer, but I really feel like it's an important scan that women should get.  It gives you more time, answers, and should something go wrong, options.  So sorry that you MW office is being a pain to schedule around.  I hope your H is able to leave work so he can be there for the big appointment! 

NME44

@kvacmak, that's super strange that they would insist your DH be there. It's quite frankly none of their business who YOU want to bring to YOUR doctor's appointments. It's actually making me a tad ragey.

bkrahn

@vvitchhazel ugh, my moms like this too. Whenever I tell her anything, I have to assume she will tell 3-4 people that have no right knowing. I've always had trust issues towards her because she was one of those moms that would read my diary to find out what was going on in my life instead of just asking me. I'd like to be able to tell her things, but I just can't trust her unfortunately. Just yesterday, she told me that she's "only told 3 people" about this pregnancy like it was so justifiable  which didn't surprise me, but still. It's our surprise & news to share, not hers. 

TigerCakes

@kvacmak I'm mad for you too! Why do they insist your DH has to be there? I totally understand you wanting him to there, but for them to make you bring him seems weird.

My MBF is that my DH watches our son on Mondays and every Monday I come home and the house is a mess! And he told me our son took a 3 hour nap today so I feel like he could have at least done the dishes! But instead I get home from working all day feeling nauseated and have to do his dishes, make dinner, prep food for daycare/lunches tomorrow, etc. and he got to leave for training.

failuretofly

@NME44 @TigerCakes I think they just want him to be there to get to know us as a family, they would like DS to be there too. It's a very holistic model, and I think they just want to make sure everyone is on the same page. I am planning on having a homebirth so maybe that's part of it? I guess we'll see what happens if DH can't make it 

TigerCakes

@kvacmak Ok that makes more sense to me that thru would want him there.  I still feel like you will have other appointments for him to go too though. Thanks for explaining!

moonlady-2

I am so damn tired and my kindergarteners were total brats today. I am losing my patience I think. Ugh

camomile_june

@GraysonsMama boo, 20 week wait! Glad to hear you at least get a heart beat appt before that. 
@ngarciabyuI feel you on no-symptom anxiety. Fx it gets better soon...
@Tennis11785Thanks for sharing your story, I'm so sorry for your loss.
@vvitchhazel sorry about your MIL. Have you talked to her about it? I don't know if it would be helpful. But sometimes feeling powerless or helpless makes my anger worse, and so doing even the smallest thing to change that feeling makes things better. Anyway, sorry for you and everyone who's dealing with annoying "loved" ones
@AFrye0726Gift culture is weird, isn't it. I feel like people assume that when you say 'no present' you don't actually mean it, you're just being polite. I know there's been a lot of talk about etiquette in the 'second baby shower' thread, but gift giving in general seems like it could use a bit of a brush-up on this topic all around.
@vauxthekatesorry to hear your mom is giving you difficulties. Parent relationships just come with so much baggage that you can't detach a given situation from.
@kvacmak wow, that is a very limited schedule. Hope you guys can make it work. Also yay homebirth! My friend had one this summer, and I got to be there, it was amazing. I so want that, but I don't think our insurance is going to cover it... does yours? It's so weird that they don't. Apparently, in the Netherlands, if you're low risk you have to do homebirth, or you have to pay yourself! 
@bkrahn yes! my mom used to do something similar. As a kid, I used to confide things in her, stuff that made me ashamed or angry or scared, and she would share it with her girlfriends as if it was cute (which I'm sure it was, in hindsight). But as a child, I felt that she was betraying my confidence!

I told my dad about the pregnancy this morning, and his response was: Aha..... Thanks dad.

Mandayno

Ok my complaint tonight... My co-worker next to me sat there and ate PICKLED BEATS for an entire hour!!! I gagged the whole time, and don't have a job where I can just walk away and get fresh air. 

jesrude

Mine might be better suited for a different board - like the husband annoyance board or something. but this weekend my son accidentally stepped on my BF's foot and my BF kicked him away with his other foot. the way you would with a sibling or someone your own size. And it is really grating on me.  We talked about it and I told him it wasn't ok and that my son isn't his brother that he can just be physical like that with.  My son is 4 1/2 and everyone thinks he should have the cognitive behavior of a 12 year old. It drives me nuts! He's 4!!!! He's still learning and we all make mistakes, big and small.

Then tonight, he wanted to hug one of our roommates that was leaving, and my BF said no.  I don't know why but that got me super fired up. And I unloaded on him.  I understand boundaries.  If our roommate would have said no, I could have understood a second no or diversion, because I'm not one to force people to physical affection.  But our roommate was totally cool with it and my BF was really adamant about them not hugging because my son is sick.  My son hits our roommate at the hip, the dude is TALL. Plus, if he's going to get sick he's going to.  I was sick all last week and with a fever this weekend then my son was sick. So it's in the house.  One small bro hug isn't going to contaminate him more.  I don't know it just really ground my gears.

jesrude

@camomile_june I know it doesn't help or change the situation, but that's how my dad would react. My whole family actually.  We haven't told anyone yet, and I'm kind of dreading it for a lot of reasons. 

failuretofly

@camomile_june I live in Canada so it's all covered, universal health care is great

vvitchhazel

@camomile_june Your dad's reaction is kind of the reaction we got from my in-laws. You're expecting? Huh. And then they walk away. Okay. And yes, this is the same MIL who couldn't keep her trap shut. We've talked to her about this and she denies it, even though she contradicted herself in the same conversation and lied about something I heard with my own two ears. She does ridiculous things all the time and always tries shifting the blame or justifying her actions. She even dropped our daughter on her head on her first birthday and then blamed my husband for it. Okay... No. Ugh, she just drives me nuts!

camomile_june

@kvacmak Ha, lucky you. At this point, I'm asking myself why I moved away from Denmark, where we have universal healthcare, too. Absolutely the best!
@vvitchhazel Your MIL seems extremely hard to deal with. A big (creepy) internet hug for you.