bad thoughts/mental struggle dealing with infertility

mallory_kn0x

I am having some seriously bad thoughts related to my infertility. a little background info:::I have stage 4 Endometriosis and we have been trying for two years. (i have had 4 fertility surgeries, the most recent one being October 2016) I was advised to try for about 3 months post surgery and see what happens before trying drugs.  We decided to get more intense fertility help. I had my first consult back in March. This past week has been a blur of blood tests and other tests. (HSG, SHG, etc.)  HSG was tuesday and went really well actually. after my surgery the surgeon said my left tube was not spilling but the right one was. ok, i can deal with that. then the hsg test revealed the same result for the right side, but the left had a little fluid or something in it. i felt very positive after that test, even the nurse practitioner had a smile on her face when she was telling me. Then i go in for my SHG yesterday, that test was also normal findings. however, my doctor dropped a serious bomb on me. she told me my FSH levels were elevated and that it might mean menopause. I just turned 32 on March 23rd. this obviously isnt sitting well with me because even if IVF was the way we were going to go, it wont matter if i have no eggs. obviously there are donor options but as you all know, that makes the IVF price more than double.

My reason for posting is more or less because I am having a really really hard time with my emotions relating to all this. I have been depressed for years knowing my fertility issues. But after the HSG test I felt like I actually had a chance. Then it was quickly snatched away from me the next day. I feel insane. I have not felt this weak and defeated since i lost my baby in '07.  my thoughts are turning to suicide. I know that is extreme for some people to think about but infertility has taken over my life. I am constantly on edge. I have gained weight. I feel more anxious and emotionally exhausted than I have ever felt.  I am at the age where every time i turn around someone is pregnant. its everywhere. I cant escape it. but most of all, i cannot escape myself. Getting that crushing blow yesterday turned me into a basket case. I have always been depressed about this stuff, but now its like more clear than ever that i really may not be able to carry a child. all i do is cry alone. i feel like there is no one i can talk to, not even my partner. He is fully supportive of anything I want to try or do, but I cant shake the feeling that he is better off without me. Infertility doesnt run in my family, i have no idea why this is happening to me. everyone in my family are very fertile, even a lot of twins. ive alienated myself from most of my friends who have children or are pregnant now. I havent been to a child's birthday party since my own miscarriage. and forget about baby showers. i avoid them at all costs. i cant help it, i feel like thats what i need to do to survive and i wish people could understand that. i feel like a terrible friend and person. (only really close friends know about my infertility) all i know is, i really think i might have finally snapped and i need help. has anyone else felt this way? like you want to be involved but also not be involved at all? do you cry constantly? have depressive suicidal thoughts? im going to contact a counselor or something today, i cant do this anymore.

JuliaGoolia719

I'm so sorry, for your loss and for your struggle since then.  I know there are a lot of people on the boards who have distanced themselves from friends or family for the reasons you mentioned above. 

I'm glad you're calling a counselor.  IF is such a mindf*ck, with the ups and downs and good news followed by bad, its hard to take care of ourselves during this process. Learning some coping mechanisms to get you through the rough times would be helpful.  Anything that you need to do to take care of yourself you should look into. 

I've been really open with pretty much anyone about our IF, I verbally process my emotions and find its helpful for the people in my life to know the basics so if I withdraw or decline an invite to something they have an idea of why. I literally talked about it with strangers on an airplane in February.  I've discovered that it makes me feel less isolated, most people I talk to open up after I do, and a lot have experienced some form of IF I find-or at least know someone who has. (the exception to that is work, I really haven't talked to my boss etc bc I don't want it to impact my job)
I'm 33 and pretty sure that 90% of my friends have gotten pregnant at least once in the 2 years we've been trying.  My reaction to the announcements was to drink a bottle of wine and cry for a night before pulling myself together and moving forward.  Thanks to my job I'm usually out of town so if there are baby showers etc I usually am not around and will send a gift.  (I did co-host a baby shower for my best friend last summer and that was a rough day, there were mimosas and I credit the mimosas for getting me through that one).

Since we have started IVF I haven't had the extreme reactions to pregnancy announcements, I think having a plan in place has helped me a LOT.  We're doing a FET this month, so if it doesn't work I may feel differently.  I think right now I'm filled with first timer optimism that now that we've cleared the MFI and PCOS issues with getting an embryo that it will  be smooth sailing.... If it doesn't work I'm not sure how I'll react though. 

mtpbadger

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Feeling down and depressed is totally normal while dealing with infertility, especially getting unexpected bad news that changes up everything. I too have been more withdrawn since getting my diagnoses, sometimes it's just too hard to "fake it" when I'm dealing with bad news or just having a bad day. Some days are better than others too. I'm not a very open person so only a few friends and my parents know about our struggles

I'm glad to hear you are going to contact a counselor as any suicidal thoughts should be addressed seriously and it sounds like what you are feeling is more than just "down in the dumps". You can also contact a counselor for free at 1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ if it takes awhile to get seen by a counselor.

Hang in there - we are all here to support you, understand what you are going through and you are not alone on this forum.

JaeJayStark

I'm so sorry for your loss and continued struggle. Many women on this page have had similar issues and can sympathize. I definitely think you should get a counselor. That will be tremendously helpful. It sounds like you have feelings charged and stuck that need to be processed. 

I think making a plan is a great idea whether that be smaller items like getting more active, enjoying a hobby, drinking more water and then decide what kind of treatments and options are available for having a family. I'm not doubting you have done lots of these things already but if you create a list of things to still explore maybe it will help you feel like you are addressing your worries. 

Thinking of you! 

Irisheyes81

Oh that's so heartbreaking. I know so many of us can relate.  I am a lot like @JuliaGoolia719 I talk about it with a lot of people and drink a lot of wine.  There are still really bad days. I always felt a lot better with a plan too.  It does feel hopeless and disappointing but you are not alone and your life is worth so much more than this struggle.
For me, thinking about the future is daunting but thinking about this specific cycle, this day, this moment has helped me.  If I think about my advancing age and tough diagnosis, I feel like I'll lose my shit
Hugs.

JamieH2000

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I agree with the others and think its good you are trying to see a counselor. 

If it helps, I have actually been trying to find a counselor also in the last few days too. I have finally gotten to the point where it all feels too much and I think its time for some professional help. I was discouraged to find long wait lists and lots of places no longer taking my insurance, so I am still looking. I will say this board is super supportive. I am also in a local resolve group and we have monthly meetings, so its been great to meet others in person. Maybe there is a group in your area or you could start one?

my history is in my siggy, but we have alot in common. I am 29, have mild endo, and DOR/low reserve. If your FSH is high, have you checked your AMH? My FSH isn't high (yet), but my AMH is low and I have had 3 cancelled/failed IVFs. But lots of women with high FSH/low AMH go on to be successful naturally, IUI or with IVF. I know the feeling of thinking nothing will ever work... but if you want to be a mom you will be- either through donor egg, donor embryo, fostering or adoption. Its just a longggg road and I know some days I am not sure I have the strength for that. Our next step is donor egg if our 4th IVF fails. Feel free to message me if you want. Or join us on the Low AMH thread as lots of ladies there have lower reserve and have done multiple IVFs and have some good info for  your situation. Hang in there!

funkykey

OMG @mallory_kn0x - what you have been through sounds horrific. Menopause at 32?! I would cry too. I would curl into a little ball and cry for a week, and just eat ice cream and macaroni and cheese. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it was a one-off, or that the levels mean something else, and not that. FX for you!

That said, all these thoughts, like of suicide, or that your partner is better off without you... Those are extreme depressive thoughts. Like PP have said, talking helps - especially to someone with formal psychology training. I find talking to educated, really self-aware people helps the most. They can help you see where your sadness about a specific incident or episode ends, and where clinical depression begins. With all those extreme thoughts, like: "this bad thing is happening, ergo I am worthless", it's hard to see the cognitive distortions you might be making, the leaps of logic that conclude you are not worth love or respect. Another person can help you see them - and make you slow down: "just because a bad thing is happening, does not mean you are worthless or should not have love and respect".

I do think it is normal - common, even! - for IF women to experience depression. From what I've read, it's much worse in some parts of the world than others. (Like, whoa: https://www.who.int/bulletin/volumes/88/12/10-011210/en/)

I always, always find that knowledge is power: not just on this IF journey and learning about all the different treatments (it makes me feel stronger), or learning about the different cognitive distortions we can make when struggling with our self esteem, but also with thinking and learning about how IF is different in different parts of the world.

So much of our hopes for ourselves and how we feel about ourselves is based on societal expectations of who or what we should be. I'm lucky, because I don't have a lot of outside pressure to be a mother - my parents don't put that specific pressure on me, nor my husband, nor his family, nor our friends. Growing up, it was like: "Be tough!" but there was no: "Women grow up to be mothers." I often think how much worse my IF would be if I'd been raised that way/lived somewhere there was a lot of pressure to be a mother/some idea that you weren't really a woman unless you had kids. Thinking about that helps me; it also helps me separate what is something I'm feeling, in my heart, from what is a bad feeling that's been thrust upon me.

And, when all else fails, just take it one day at a time.

Best of luck to you! 

mc4dj13

@mallory_kn0x my heart truly broken reading your post. I really want to give you a hug...and I am very glad you were able to vent to us.

You are never alone. We may all have unique struggles but the common factor is that all of this will be worth it. The end result is a smiling, happy, healthy child. 

I admire you for recognizing that you need further help dealing with this. Please take each day at a time. I keep a journal. I know this sounds cheesy but surprisingly this keeps me motivated and gives me something to look forward to. I love writing in my journal and treat it like another close friend who I can share with (the good and bad)

I had a low point last year that still makes me shake to remember it. I take comfort knowing that no matter what happens in this journey, I will never be back THERE. It is a mixture of prayer, being open with my husband, and having an amazing RE and nurse team.

I am 31 and was thrown into early menopause due to chemotherapy and radiation that I received at 13 during my battle with cancer. Although I have known for years that this would be my cross to bear, it doesn't make it easier to see women who are older than I having zero problems using their own eggs and get pregnant. Donor egg science has come SO far, and I am comforted knowing that this child WILL be mine through and through no matter what people may think. If that is a part of your journey, I pray you will find peace.

I also take guided meditation. I recommend belleruth naparstek. Her voice is calming and so comforting. She does everything- fertility, sleep, anxiety etc.

I believe that life finds a way. It is something that I hold onto instead of focusing on the void in my life. I feel that when we clench onto the yearning for a child and the fact that he/she is not here yet, it sends messages to our body that we are broken and under performing. Maybe I am in no position to be lecturing on beliefs/mantras/spirituality but I am not asking you to change your thinking. Acupuncture has helped me with stress and anxiety and "letting go". I truly believe that a positive mindset ensures the best outcome. Then our body will be in the best possible state to receive the gift of pregnancy.  

Again, you are never alone. We've all suffered in silence.

Aera11

I am so sorry you are going through this @mallory_kn0x.  My heart is breaking for you and for all of us that want to hold a baby so badly. 

That is great that you are searching for a counselor.  I've seen one on and off for many years and it's helped in so many ways, especially when I feel so weighed down by all of this.  Having someone to talk to and unload this burden to will hopefully help a little.  

Infertility is such a horrible thing and I'd like to think that we'll all come out of it stronger.  It has already taught me to be more empathetic for people in general because you truly never know what they are going through behind closed doors.  Do whatever you need to take care of you during this time.  I've found that if I need a bottle of wine like @JuliaGoolia719, then I have one.  Or right now I am currently picking out all of the cookie dough from our tub of ice cream.  Sending you hugs during this difficult time.

safire3

******lurking******

@mallory_kn0x I am so sorry for all of this. I can assure you that all of us dealing with infertility have had those moments where we feel like to world is crumbling around us and there is no hope. I am happy you are looking for a counselor and you can also call your local suicide prevention hotline to speak to someone right away. 

Please, please never believe that your husband is better off without you. He loves and I am sure he is not interested in having kids with anyone else. Although I have a very low AMH we recently found out that our main problem is with my husband. He had no sperm in his initial sample and when we got the news, even though I was devestated I made sure to tell him right then and there that as much as I want kids I want him even more. I am sure your husband feels the same.
Also this in no way means that you will not have a baby without donor eggs. High FSH alone does not mean you will not have eggs for IVF. It is only part of the puzzle. I don't know your whole story but if the main issue was endometriosis and your tubes being blocked and you are still having regular cycles and ovulating every month then please don't give up now because of this.
Also I know sometimes in the shock of the moment it is hard to know what to ask your doctor or what to think. Maybe schedule another appointment to find out what this really means for you, what other information is needed and what your options are. Also if your doc is not an RE you may want to ask for a referral to one. 

fivetimesnoluck

I am terribly sorry for your loss and for the struggles you are facing. You are not alone. I know it feels as though you are, but I promise there are plenty of internet strangers here who read your post and broke down like I did, because we could have written almost the same things.

I have withdrawn from friends and family. I quit Facebook due to the enormous numbers of pregnancy announcements. I have gained weight. I have indulged in more drinking than is typical for me. I have struggled with work and my performance has suffered. I have had a hard time with my DH, despite the fact that he's wonderful, because it feels like these past four years have changed him and I feel responsible. Sometimes I think my body being broken has so adversely affected us both that of course he would be better off without me. I have lost hope dozens of times. I have cried and screamed. I have thought about just not being here anymore.

Many of us have shared these wide-ranging emotions and many of us have sought the help of a counselor to wade through the rivers of bullshit that IF gives. I am so glad that's what you're planning to do. It can be a literal lifesaver. And I echo the poster above who provided resources that may be a good outlet for you in the interim.

You are loved and needed. It can be all so overwhelming and I understand why you feel desperate and done. But you are not alone.

I am currently pursuing donor egg IVF and will have my first transfer later this month. I would be more than happy to share my experience with you if/when you'd like to know more - but I at least wanted to counter the thought that it is typically 2x the cost of traditional IVF. It doesn't have to be. I am using a frozen egg bank and in total the cost will be approximately $19,000. There are a lot of savings in the route because the donor has already gone through retrieval. And you can move as quickly or as slowly as you want/need because the eggs are already prepped and ready to go.

You will stay in my thoughts as you figure out next steps. Thank you for giving us the chance to share this burden with you. We are here for you.

AngryBull

@mallory_kn0x I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please know that all of us are here for you and that this is a supportive place where you can come to vent and hopefully see that you are not alone.

I think you are very wise to seek out a counselor. I also reached a similar point in my IF journey where I just could not take it anymore - I cried all the time and felt hopeless. I ended up seeing a therapist and it really helped me get through that rough time.  That time period was so difficult for me.  But I am also so glad that I went through it and was proactive (like you) in seeking out help.  I learned some coping mechanisms that have really helped me and I can confidently say that I will never be in that place again - no matter how this whole IF journey turns out.  

Also, the one other thing that sometimes helps me is to remind myself that there are a lot of twists in this IF journey. Sometimes we're given info or a diagnosis that leads us to believe there is no hope, only to find out later that was incorrect or there are other options.  My experience has led me to believe that there is a lot of guesswork involved in treating IF - diagnoses can definitely change.  I would just encourage you to hang in there and focus on talking to a counselor for now.  And once you're in a better place start talking to your doctor to get a clearer picture of your diagnosis and making a plan.

Hang in there!

BumpAdmin

We are very sorry, but we cannot allow this thread to remain open for replies. Although we understand and appreciate your want to help, no one here at this site is a trained psychiatrist or a crisis counselor who can responsibly deal with the issue of suicidal thoughts. Please seek help by going to an appropriate website, such as https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx, or calling a hotline such as 1-800-273-8255.