September 2017 Moms

Let's Talk About In-Laws

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Re: Let's Talk About In-Laws

  • @daniellelynette I will seriously never understand how people can treat their kids that way. A least have enough respect for your children to not speak badly about a parent! Although from a guy like that, it doesn't seem like a surprise that he was terrible about it. I'm so sorry your DH had to deal with that.
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    wyomama0427bridge-and-wallCarebella
  • @mrsmgsee I think it's a little different that she's made it clear that she doesn't want you to knock. Also, you announce yourself so she doesn't hear creeping in the other room and automatically go into intruder mode. When we visit MIL, we usually don't knock. But we do let her know we are coming over. I think the thing that bothers me is that she just walks in when she knows we aren't home and/or she doesn't tell us she's coming over. I need to either a) know you are coming or b) get the courtesy of a knock. And we've had that conversation - following the golf iron incident DH specifically told MIL to call before hand or a knock when she arrives. She has yet to do either.

    **TW**
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  • @beccam1230 I am too, it breaks my heart sometimes to hear him talk about it. I can't wait to have this lunch with him though. It's all gonna be laid out nice and neatly for him!
    mrsmarygsbeccam1230bridge-and-wallCarebella
  • @daniellelynette ohhh I do LOVE the lunch idea! It sounds like a perfect solution for someone like him. I can imagine that it'll be a really satisfying discussion for you, and probably a shocking one for him.. haha. Totally deserved!
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  • @beccam1230 I'm really excited but at the same time I'm not expecting it to do any good :\ My MIL told me she has thought about doing the same thing. They used to talk occasionally about the kids but after DH and I's wedding he cut off all communication with her. 
    Carebellabeccam1230
  • @daniellelynette Your FIL sounds a lot like my grandmother. She is bipolar, has munchausen by proxy, has been abusing prescription drugs for 50 years, and was emotionally abusive to her daughters, and my grandfather, who certainly had his flaws, but was actually an incredibly sweet, loving man. To this day, one of my aunts is convinced he was a terrible person because my grandma has said nasty, horrible things about him her whole life, and blamed everything on him, even after his death. It breaks my heart that this man, who did everything he could to stay in his daughter's lives so they'd at least have one parent who was healthy and capable of taking care of them when my grandmother was comatose or so depressed she barely moved for months, has been spoken of this way, even after his death. Realizing as an adult what kind of affect she's had on my mom and aunts has been startling. (And eye opening! Suddenly my crazy family makes a little more sense.) The one thing I will give her credit for is that even when she's played favorites among her kids, she never played favorites among the grandkids, and is, overall, a fantastic grandma. 
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  • Wow, y'all.  I mean...damn.

    I have some nutty in-laws (MIL & SFIL) but they live 1000 miles away and aren't really interested in their kids or grandkids.  DH makes an effort to call his mom every month (he's the only sibling who contacts MIL), and she won't talk to him for more than 5 minutes and easily treats him like the least favorite.  Like, when I was pregnant with DD, she told us she probably wouldn't be able to come out to see her.  When SIL announced her pregnancy 6 weeks later, she immediately made plans to come out and stay for two weeks.  We live 20 minutes away from SIL.  WTF.  To wit, she ended up staying in our town because it was cheaper, and I think we saw her once, and that one time she showed up at our house four hours earlier than planned with a friend we had no idea was with her, and she just let herself into my house.  Didn't even knock first.  I nearly died.  DH says it doesn't bother him, that he knows she's nuts, but every now and again I can see it bothers him that she just doesn't care.  I have oodles and oodles of crazy, shocking stories about her and SFIL, but I'll save those for another time.

    MIL ran away from FIL with her 7(!) kids when DH was an infant.  If I remember correctly, he was physically and emotionally abusive to her.  DH tried to have a relationship with him once and he was even less interested than MIL, if that's possible.  None of the kids liked him, and he's now in a mental institution under the care of the state because none of his kids want anything to do with him. 

    Long story short, I don't have to deal with them much, and when I do, it's bizarre but short-lived.  And while my own mother is quite nutty in her own way, she and my dad are crazy about our kids and visit a lot so I hope that will make up for only having one real set of grandparents.

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    Carebellawyomama0427
  • Warning, novel ahead:

    Oh I thought they were all okay at first. How wrong I was. MIL, SFIL aren't evil, but they can be so rude, overbearing, thoughtless, passive aggressive, and difficult, that it drives me insane and I tolerate them for DS (who loved them).

    The first huge issue is how poorly they treated DH growing up. To the point where on a visit he blew up at SFIL and yelled at him about being the reason he had a stutter growing up. After DS was born there was a period of time that DH had me keep in contact for DS, but he had nothing to do with them. At some point he resumed contact, but I know he isn't over it still. 

    The other huge issue(s) came from the first time they house and pet sit for us. They had our contact information and never bothered to reach out to us for anything. Like when one of our dogs got injured. They didn't take her to the vet. They continued to walk her even though she was visibly limping. How did she get injured? While being on a long leash they were told NOT to ever walk our dogs on. While using a leash at an OFF leash dog park like they were told not to do. They invited a cousin of DH's I'd never met to stay overnight at our house. They moved my desk, to another room to use as a table for her instead of oh, I don't know, just picking the boxes off the dining room table. And my computer was on, with files open when they took it off the desk. Then they didn't even bother putting it back. They installed fixtures they purchased without asking. I was practically shaking with rage for two days afterwards. 

    Oh! And then there is their lack of communication. FIL never remembering or respecting any of our rules. MIL's way always being the right way. "Oh, you use a recipe? I never use a recipe." "Oh, you don't cook your cookies crispy? That's how I like mine." And MIL loves to boss FIL around.

    The list goes on and on. I think they mostly mean well, but they lack boundaries, respect,  understanding, and the ability to communicate about plans. Like literally showing up with less than 24 hours notice. 

    1/2BIL is another interesting case. Overly empathetic to the point where it's definitely a fault. Will try to please people at the cost of hurting others. Doesn't prioritize his brother or family. Has abused drugs and alchohol and is paying the cost now with some health issues. FINALLY got his first real job about 4 years ago thanks to DH. Was supposed to house and pet sit for us once and thought that meant it was okay to stop by once and not stay at the house so he could get laid. Can be so inconsiderate and lazy it's mind blowing. His parents came out to help decorate and paint his apartment. He went out and partied. 

    FIL (deceased) and SMIL we didn't see very much. He was definitely okay but sadly had mental difficulties due to a carbon monoxide accident shortly before DH was born. And SMIL is sweet but not 100% mentally either and has some very close minded/old school views.

    To be fair, my dad is rather difficult too, more so the older he gets. Some of that is simply his vision and hearing loss. Some of that is being lazy, somewhat self-centered, and STUBBORN. He means well though

    My brother is pretty easy. His FI is FANTASTIC. And we both basically wish my mom would move in with us. 
    wyomama0427jessieR358mrs_tacosbridge-and-wall
  • Kimby883Kimby883 member
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    I love my FIL, he is so laid back and just goes with the flow (so much like DH). My MIL is super nice but doesn't understand that what I say goes for my children. You can't come to a birthday party when you are exposed to the flu less than 3 days before the party (she's a nurse she should know better). This weekend she took my daughter out of her bed during naptime because "she wasn't going to sleep" after I told her that she sings herself to sleep everyday and to leave her in the bed several times. So after no nap my 2 year old was a holy terror that evening, I left her with my MIL to deal with while I laid down in another room. Great mother and grandmother just doesn't listen to anyone because "she knows best". 
    beccam1230hatratsCarebella
  • I also feel lucky that I have great in-Laws. My MiL *LOVES* me, which is good because her visits are for 6 months at a time, and since I'm a housewife we end up spending every moment of every day together. My MiL is one of those parents who thinks that her son needs "someone to look after him" now that he lives in a big scary foreign country, and as far as she's concerned I'm the kind woman who decided to shoulder the burden. I like to joke that we get along because we don't speak the same language, but I think it's just because we both started out the relationship desperately wanting the other person to like them. For what it's worth, my family are all high strung but genuinely friendly people, so they get along with my husband and my MiL really well. My MiL stayed with me and my family for a week and told DH that my family is loud and she doesn't understand anything that they say to her, but they keep her fed and entertained so she had a good time. 

    We're telling both our families about the pregnancy in-person at the end of the month (DH is going to India, I'm going to San Diego), and while my family will be happy for the news, my MiL is going to be like, BEYOND excited. She's wanted a grandchild for AGES. 
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    cmar1006mrsmarygsCarebella
  • @Sugargirl1019  How does your DH feel about cutting them off entirely?  It doesn't sound like a great relationship to begin with.  I honestly would just make my way to Verizon and cut them off ASAP.  They will never take you guys seriously if you don't follow up.  I'm sorry, it's a sucky situation.  I'm worried that if my father passes away, I'll be the one my mom ends up moving in with, too.  I just can't deal with all her health problems and drama, it makes me crazy.  I love her, but no.

    I'm very very fortunate to have awesome in-laws.  After they both retired, they moved down to our area specifically so they could be closer, and help watch DS.  They are a blessing.  I wouldn't say it is perfect, but I definitely don't take them for granted, especially with our second LO on the way.  
    DS1: Born 11.18.15
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    Carebellawyomama0427
  • Honestly, i almost feel bad writting something negative about my inlaws (though its really nothing) reading you posts ladies. 
    To get a better understanding : the day i kissed my now hubby was the day i moved into his appartment. We have been together 3 years before getting married. I got along pretty good with his 2 sisters (one older than me is my hairdresser, one 2 yrs younger is the one i hang out most). So his parents, before we got married, used to know me as their daughters friend, not as the son's girlfriend. Us arabs are pretty traditional, we re not supposed to live together unless we re married lol so it was a big secret. One summer, i went to see my parents in Morocco, and he took his mom for 2 weeks to Cuba. We wanted to both have a serious talk with our parents, get their approval since it was both our second marriage(our firsts were DI SAS TERS) , and both parents were against our first spouses lol. 
    Funny thing is, his mom started talking about me before he even got a chance to "your sisters friend is sssso nice, THAT is a woman u should marry"
    Carebellawyomama0427
  • Ohhhh my post was longer than that, half of it just disappeared :( 
    Long story short shes been the owner of 2 kindergartens for the past 10 years. So she thinks shes every care professional that exists. (psychologist, pediatrician, nutritionist etc) and i find it really hard to handle because when it comes to our future kid, she thinks only her way is the right way. Maybe its only the hormones nd i shouldnt even complain but she discredits everybodys way of handling things, even my moms lol, happy she lives in africa, i dont know how that they wouldnt be at each others throat during this pregnancy!!
    Carebellawyomama0427
  • My SO's mother is kind and sweet and does a lot for my family. In the beginning of my pregnancy I was a little put off by her because she was telling people the news about my pregnancy without me being ready for everyone to know. Then she wanted to come to my first US and I had to tell her no. Then she was under the impression she'd get to be in the delivery room and we told her no. Other than this stuff, she has been great. I have to be super careful with her because she is super sensitive and she ends up feeling so bad if she offends me in anyway so I have to very gingerly approach these topics. 

    SO's stepfather (might as well be his biological father) passed a few months before my father did. He was a little cantankerous but a very good person. I'm sad that our fathers will not get to meet their newest grandchild. 

    SO's biological father I have never met and never care to. He hasn't bothered to call or talk to SO in several years. The last time SO called him many years ago SO told him he loves him and his father didn't even bother saying it back. 
    Carebellayasandson
  • My ex in-laws (DD's grandparents) I do not care for. They rarely ever try to speak to DD and they totally enable their son who abandoned her. (He ran away overseas, married someone new and had two children with her that he completely provides for but he does absolutely nothing for DD. She's lucky if she gets a phone call on her birthday.) 

    I have them on Facebook so that they can see photos of their grandchild after they moved to another state. His mom is constantly posting about how proud she is of her son and I unfollowed her so I wouldn't have to see that anymore. 

    She does, however, comment on my posts telling me what a great father my SO is to Liadan and that is so thankful we have him. 

    At the the end of the day, my beef is with my ex husband, not with his family. 

    One day SO wants to adopt my daughter. 
    Carebellayasandson
  • My MIL and FIL are very loving. However, we clash on some views...they're ultra conservative but me and their son are super liberal. Pretty sure they hated us marching in the Womens March. But we love them!
    However...my sister in law...LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD HAVE MERCY. she's my husband's 1/2 sister. She's much older than us, like 15 years. He forgets he has a sister sometimes. He basically grew up as an only child. there's a huge long story here...but lets just say I blocked her on facebook. I'm so glad she lives out of state (MN, im in CA). 
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    Carebellayasandson
  • Looks like this thread has been inactive for a while but I could use some MIL advice! First off, let me say that my MIL is very sweet and I do like her a lot.... but.... she is so overbearing and since I've become pregnant it's only been worse. I'd like to set up some boundaries so this doesn't get worse but I'm not sure how to do so without hurting her feelings.

    She lives next door to us and we rent an apartment in a building she owns. I'm very grateful for the reduced rate we pay in rent but I'm starting to wonder if it would be better to live elsewhere to have a little more personal space.

    I work from home several days a week and if she notices my car is in the driveway she will ask if I want to get breakfast or lunch. I'm constantly saying no and I feel guilty but I feel like she's expecting more than I can give. I've told her when I am working i cannot take time off for leisurely lunches (but then if I DO want to do something like sneak in a quick workout or walk I feel guilty and hope I don't get "caught").

    I don't want to have to lie and say I have other plans when I don't. (Especially when it's obvious that I haven't left the house because she can see that I haven't!!) Ive told her before that I really enjoy "alone time" and as an introvert would prefer to stay home read than to be out socializing. She didn't seem to take the hint.

    This past weekend she asked if I wanted to get together (DH was out of town) and I said it wasn't a good weekend for me and I was also going out of town to visit my brother (which was true but I wasn't leaving until Saturday morning) She made a comment about how we were all abandoning her for the weekend... We just had dinner together on Thursday and had JUST seen each other. I went for a walk on Friday and she saw me and questioned why I was still home and asked again if I wanted to spend time together this weekend. I repeated it was not a good weekend for me. She texted and called me again on Saturday and on Sunday asking if I wanted to have breakfast/lunch/dinner.... she just won't take no for an answer!!  I intentionally stayed at my brothers house until like 10pm so I could avoid her.

    I am comfortable with dinner once a week and have tried to make a standing plan for weekly dinner but it doesn't stop the daily requests...

    I know this was super long...I really needed to vent! Help! What do I do? How can I get her to back off a bit without hurting her feelings?
  • My inlaws are great for DS but they sure drive me crazy! They are so kind and helpful with DS, my mil is always willing to watch him for a date night or pick him up from daycare for us. However she also just walks into our house or calls when shes randomly on her way over... She lives 5 mins away. She thinks we make way more money than we do and is always asking me why I dont buy this or that. But will also tell me if she thinks I spent to much on something. She keeps asking me what I want for the baby and I give her ideas on what we actually need. She hasn't bought one thing I named but will come over with the most random crap for DS and baby. FIL is a nice, quiet guy who is go with the flow. BIL #1 is a Broney... Dont know what it is? Google it.. Ugh. He lives with his partner and are constantly asking for money and he thinks the world is against him but will never work to change that. BIL #2 wants to be a pastor. He is only 20 and a great kid. My SIL (married to my brother) is the worst. She openly judges every thing. My parenting, cooking, cleaning, weight etc. She used to be a stripper and had my nephew (not my brothers kid) when she was 16 and did drugs. I don't think she should be the person to judge on my dirty dishes. She hates the fact I am having another baby and all attention is on me... So I haven't seen my brother or nephews since Easter. Sounds like we all have some kind of crazy in our life.

     
    jessieR358jenn622-2bnmort8
  • I love my in-laws. There are a few things that annoy me so much. I went a whole month pregnant without my husband being home due to work. While he was gone, our bathroom practically fell apart. Its super easy reno that I could have done not pregnant. My in-laws practically refused to help or rather they could help but a week from every time I asked. Instead my FIL needed to go fishing every evening and weekend. However if my Brother and sister in law who was pregnant needed anything everything was dropped in order to help them. They all also couldn't understand why I didnt push mow the yard every other week in 90+ degree weather. They all have riding lawn mowers. Except my BIL sunk his in a pond. But my FIL mowed their yard every two weeks. He wouldn't bring his lawn mower to my house at all. But when my MIL made him do it once, he did the worse mow job I have ever seen. He angry mowed our yard! It was soooo patchy and he missed like half of my front yard. Just this Saturday I finally got them to agree to pick up a swing that I got for both the babies at their house. I have been trying for 4 weeks, it won't fit in my car. However that day they dropped everything to help them fix their A.C. When ours went out they did nothing. When they finally finished fixing it, and I was like ok now you can pick up the swing. My FIL said I'm done doing things for other people today. And he went fishing...
      I am a FTM. So I don't feel comfortable doing the things my SIL  does like drink caffeine, a sip of alcohol, refinish furniture. So everyone acts like I am being overly cautious and lazy. They forget that I am 8 weeks ahead of her. (Even though I am 32 weeks and she is 26 weeks she looks more pregnant and gets treated more delicately) I can't get them to help us do anything. It's such a foreign concept for me. My family will drop everything to help someone else in our family. But my mom travels for work so she can't be there all the time. I really do hate being so jealous and petty.

    I am also kinda frustrated that my MIL scheduled family Christmas pictures a month after the little one comes. I just know I am going to look like a deflated whale with the glow of sleep deprivation. And my SIL is going to look so cute and pregnant. Sigh. Again pretty petty of me I know.
  • @halstamps I'm sorry to sound... Cold but maybe you are expecting alot from other people....In reality they have no obligation to fix your home or pick up items for you. I understand that you are frustrated when they help the BIL but that's btwn them and the inlaws. I would say control what you can control and not expect anyone to help you. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and having been making our home livable again for the last 7 months after my husband got his mental health taken care of. I'm sorry to not sound supportive. I just can't see stressing over things that don't need to be stressed over.
  • Yeah, probably just over thinking it. Also DH and I were raised a little differently. My family are doers and helpers. We use our diy skills to help as much as we can. His are just different. (But the item was for them that they wanted) I too have been doing what I can to prepare the home. I should have just given it to someone else after the 4th week they didn't pick it up.

    I probably should just chill. Just tough sometimes lol.
  • Agreed. Hormones are crazy and I know mine are ragey at this point. Lol 
    And when I say make my home livable that's literally. Many know my situation and what I have been going through in this pregnancy and it had been intense. We were all Living in one room in our 1700 sq ft home due to the rest of the home being destroyed from my husband's paranoia and delusions. I think living through all that has also given me a different perspective on life.... Just know everything will be fine. We  are all so close to having these babies and the pressure is on! 
    jenn622-2
  • @halstamps sorry if I missed this detail but is it your BIL or SIL who is your husband's sibling? I have a great relationship w my in-laws but would not want to be pregnant at the same time as my SIL because I'm positive the preferential treaatment she'd get would make me so angry and hurt. My MIL made a comment about not wanting to share Mother's Day with me next year and there is no way she would have said that if her own daughter were pregnant, as opposed to her son's wife, even though she'll be grandma either way.
  • halstampshalstamps member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited August 2
    @divinemsm620 that's pretty cold of your MIL to say :( I would have over thought the mess out of that comment until it drove me crazy.

    My husband's brother's wife. I love my in laws too.  So much. Its just because she has had a baby before (my daughter will be the first baby in the family for a month, hers was a year old when she married my Brother in law.) that she is treated as the norm. So if I dont drink caffeine its like "E. Is, so it can't be that bad." "E. Is painting furniture, why can't you." "Oh E has really started to pop! She is as big as you are now." One time I snapped at my SIL  because she told me that I was "overreacting" when I said at 24 weeks that I shouldn't push mow the yard in 90 degree weather. I snapped at her that this was my first baby, not my second, and that I would like to keep her alive. Mean, I know. She also told me that it was silly that I had to pee so much (and had a weak enough bladder to almost have an accident by laughing) at 23 weeks, because she didn't that far along during her last pregnancy. Again she is 8 weeks behind me. But I think she is learning that not every pregnancy is the same the longer she is pregnant with her little one.

    Sigh. It's not a huge deal just something that comes up every once in a while in the span of 7 months, regarding in-laws. I have my own things to pre-occupy my mind. And my SIL and I can agree on some things. 
  • hatratshatrats member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Photogenic
    @jenn622-2 Ugh, that is pretty rough. I think I might have to move in that situation.. haha. My MIL is only like 5 minutes away, but that's for sure far enough away that she doesn't stalk if I'm home or not. She is mostly retired, and does invite me out to lunch or do things a lot (I work part-time so I'm home with DD a couple of days a week), but even if I really am too busy, I often just let her take DD so she is not bored and I can get some things done. Maybe after the baby comes, you can use that to your advantage - letting her hang out with the baby while you have some time to yourself to rest or work, etc. It honestly sounds like your MIL is just plain bored and lonely.

    I posted a while back about my SIL (DH's little sister) having a lot of problems getting pregnant and she has now gone through 2 full IVF cycles. I'm so, so happy to say, the second one worked and she is now also pregnant with a baby girl, due in January. I can honestly say I am not jealous at all, and am just so happy for them after all they have been through. It will also be fun to have a cousin for this baby so close in age! That being said, they live in another state, so maybe I would be more jealous if she was in town and MIL was constantly fawning over her and ignoring me, lol, which I'm sure would be the case.
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  • @hatrats Everyone keeps telling me how helpful MIL will be once baby comes and I need an extra set of hands so I'm trying to keep that in mind!  Right now I feel like I'm just going to want to hold him forever and never share him with anyone.... I'm sure a few diaper blow outs and sleepless nights could change my mind!  Reading some of these other stories on here is helping me put things into perspective too... she really is lovely so I should quit my bitching! 

    Congrats to your SIL!  My sister has 3 little ones but I live across the country from my family so we won't get to see them much, unfortunately.  We just found out my husbands uncle and his gf are having a baby and I am really excited to have another little one in the area that will be close in age to our little guy.  (Here we were feeling like "old" parents at 35 and 38 and now his uncle is about to be a first time dad over 50!)  My in-laws other grandchild is a teenager now so everyone is very excited about the prospect of babies. I think it will be so much more fun to have other babies around, especially around the holidays!!
    tfrangulhatrats
  • My SIL (Husband's older sister) is pregnant with her second child as well. Her family is much more involved in planning celebrations for the baby (gender reveal party, second baby shower...). I didn't initially want any of that for this baby, but now that I see so much celebrating for her baby, it does make me feel a bit left out. Which is silly, I know, since I told people we weren't having a reveal party of shower for our little one. Again, those illogical hormones... 
    hatrats
  • edited August 2
    My SIL (Husband's older sister) is pregnant with her second child as well. Her family is much more involved in planning celebrations for the baby (gender reveal party, second baby shower...). I didn't initially want any of that for this baby, but now that I see so much celebrating for her baby, it does make me feel a bit left out. Which is silly, I know, since I told people we weren't having a reveal party of shower for our little one. Again, those illogical hormones... 

    Did not mean to save this 2x....
    jenn622-2
  • I've got a bit of a doozy of a MIL. She's very nice... when she's getting her way. More than slightly bipolar. At Easter she informed us that she'd be flying out as soon as I went into labour... Uhmmm no. No you won't. And told another relative about how we'd be coming out every summer to spend 2 weeks with her and all the fun things she'd have planned... Oh? 
    She's very very excited but definitely a wee bit much. She brought out the bassinet that has been in the family for ages and is pretty insistent that we use it... it's way too big for our house and not to mention, slightly unsafe by today's standards. But in order to keep the peace, we're not telling her that we're not using it... 
    Normally I can tolerate her and play along but lately my patience is wearing pretty thin! 
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