September 2017 Moms

Let's Talk About In-Laws


Re: Let's Talk About In-Laws

  • @daniellelynette I will seriously never understand how people can treat their kids that way. A least have enough respect for your children to not speak badly about a parent! Although from a guy like that, it doesn't seem like a surprise that he was terrible about it. I'm so sorry your DH had to deal with that.
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  • @mrsmgsee I think it's a little different that she's made it clear that she doesn't want you to knock. Also, you announce yourself so she doesn't hear creeping in the other room and automatically go into intruder mode. When we visit MIL, we usually don't knock. But we do let her know we are coming over. I think the thing that bothers me is that she just walks in when she knows we aren't home and/or she doesn't tell us she's coming over. I need to either a) know you are coming or b) get the courtesy of a knock. And we've had that conversation - following the golf iron incident DH specifically told MIL to call before hand or a knock when she arrives. She has yet to do either.

    Me & DH: 32
    Married 2013
    Kiddo #1: Sept 2015
    BFP: 1/19, EDD: 9/30

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  • @beccam1230 I am too, it breaks my heart sometimes to hear him talk about it. I can't wait to have this lunch with him though. It's all gonna be laid out nice and neatly for him!
  • @daniellelynette ohhh I do LOVE the lunch idea! It sounds like a perfect solution for someone like him. I can imagine that it'll be a really satisfying discussion for you, and probably a shocking one for him.. haha. Totally deserved!
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  • @beccam1230 I'm really excited but at the same time I'm not expecting it to do any good :\ My MIL told me she has thought about doing the same thing. They used to talk occasionally about the kids but after DH and I's wedding he cut off all communication with her. 
  • @daniellelynette Your FIL sounds a lot like my grandmother. She is bipolar, has munchausen by proxy, has been abusing prescription drugs for 50 years, and was emotionally abusive to her daughters, and my grandfather, who certainly had his flaws, but was actually an incredibly sweet, loving man. To this day, one of my aunts is convinced he was a terrible person because my grandma has said nasty, horrible things about him her whole life, and blamed everything on him, even after his death. It breaks my heart that this man, who did everything he could to stay in his daughter's lives so they'd at least have one parent who was healthy and capable of taking care of them when my grandmother was comatose or so depressed she barely moved for months, has been spoken of this way, even after his death. Realizing as an adult what kind of affect she's had on my mom and aunts has been startling. (And eye opening! Suddenly my crazy family makes a little more sense.) The one thing I will give her credit for is that even when she's played favorites among her kids, she never played favorites among the grandkids, and is, overall, a fantastic grandma. 
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  • Wow, y'all.  I mean...damn.

    I have some nutty in-laws (MIL & SFIL) but they live 1000 miles away and aren't really interested in their kids or grandkids.  DH makes an effort to call his mom every month (he's the only sibling who contacts MIL), and she won't talk to him for more than 5 minutes and easily treats him like the least favorite.  Like, when I was pregnant with DD, she told us she probably wouldn't be able to come out to see her.  When SIL announced her pregnancy 6 weeks later, she immediately made plans to come out and stay for two weeks.  We live 20 minutes away from SIL.  WTF.  To wit, she ended up staying in our town because it was cheaper, and I think we saw her once, and that one time she showed up at our house four hours earlier than planned with a friend we had no idea was with her, and she just let herself into my house.  Didn't even knock first.  I nearly died.  DH says it doesn't bother him, that he knows she's nuts, but every now and again I can see it bothers him that she just doesn't care.  I have oodles and oodles of crazy, shocking stories about her and SFIL, but I'll save those for another time.

    MIL ran away from FIL with her 7(!) kids when DH was an infant.  If I remember correctly, he was physically and emotionally abusive to her.  DH tried to have a relationship with him once and he was even less interested than MIL, if that's possible.  None of the kids liked him, and he's now in a mental institution under the care of the state because none of his kids want anything to do with him. 

    Long story short, I don't have to deal with them much, and when I do, it's bizarre but short-lived.  And while my own mother is quite nutty in her own way, she and my dad are crazy about our kids and visit a lot so I hope that will make up for only having one real set of grandparents.

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  • Warning, novel ahead:

    Oh I thought they were all okay at first. How wrong I was. MIL, SFIL aren't evil, but they can be so rude, overbearing, thoughtless, passive aggressive, and difficult, that it drives me insane and I tolerate them for DS (who loved them).

    The first huge issue is how poorly they treated DH growing up. To the point where on a visit he blew up at SFIL and yelled at him about being the reason he had a stutter growing up. After DS was born there was a period of time that DH had me keep in contact for DS, but he had nothing to do with them. At some point he resumed contact, but I know he isn't over it still. 

    The other huge issue(s) came from the first time they house and pet sit for us. They had our contact information and never bothered to reach out to us for anything. Like when one of our dogs got injured. They didn't take her to the vet. They continued to walk her even though she was visibly limping. How did she get injured? While being on a long leash they were told NOT to ever walk our dogs on. While using a leash at an OFF leash dog park like they were told not to do. They invited a cousin of DH's I'd never met to stay overnight at our house. They moved my desk, to another room to use as a table for her instead of oh, I don't know, just picking the boxes off the dining room table. And my computer was on, with files open when they took it off the desk. Then they didn't even bother putting it back. They installed fixtures they purchased without asking. I was practically shaking with rage for two days afterwards. 

    Oh! And then there is their lack of communication. FIL never remembering or respecting any of our rules. MIL's way always being the right way. "Oh, you use a recipe? I never use a recipe." "Oh, you don't cook your cookies crispy? That's how I like mine." And MIL loves to boss FIL around.

    The list goes on and on. I think they mostly mean well, but they lack boundaries, respect,  understanding, and the ability to communicate about plans. Like literally showing up with less than 24 hours notice. 

    1/2BIL is another interesting case. Overly empathetic to the point where it's definitely a fault. Will try to please people at the cost of hurting others. Doesn't prioritize his brother or family. Has abused drugs and alchohol and is paying the cost now with some health issues. FINALLY got his first real job about 4 years ago thanks to DH. Was supposed to house and pet sit for us once and thought that meant it was okay to stop by once and not stay at the house so he could get laid. Can be so inconsiderate and lazy it's mind blowing. His parents came out to help decorate and paint his apartment. He went out and partied. 

    FIL (deceased) and SMIL we didn't see very much. He was definitely okay but sadly had mental difficulties due to a carbon monoxide accident shortly before DH was born. And SMIL is sweet but not 100% mentally either and has some very close minded/old school views.

    To be fair, my dad is rather difficult too, more so the older he gets. Some of that is simply his vision and hearing loss. Some of that is being lazy, somewhat self-centered, and STUBBORN. He means well though

    My brother is pretty easy. His FI is FANTASTIC. And we both basically wish my mom would move in with us. 
  • Kimby883Kimby883 member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I love my FIL, he is so laid back and just goes with the flow (so much like DH). My MIL is super nice but doesn't understand that what I say goes for my children. You can't come to a birthday party when you are exposed to the flu less than 3 days before the party (she's a nurse she should know better). This weekend she took my daughter out of her bed during naptime because "she wasn't going to sleep" after I told her that she sings herself to sleep everyday and to leave her in the bed several times. So after no nap my 2 year old was a holy terror that evening, I left her with my MIL to deal with while I laid down in another room. Great mother and grandmother just doesn't listen to anyone because "she knows best". 
  • I also feel lucky that I have great in-Laws. My MiL *LOVES* me, which is good because her visits are for 6 months at a time, and since I'm a housewife we end up spending every moment of every day together. My MiL is one of those parents who thinks that her son needs "someone to look after him" now that he lives in a big scary foreign country, and as far as she's concerned I'm the kind woman who decided to shoulder the burden. I like to joke that we get along because we don't speak the same language, but I think it's just because we both started out the relationship desperately wanting the other person to like them. For what it's worth, my family are all high strung but genuinely friendly people, so they get along with my husband and my MiL really well. My MiL stayed with me and my family for a week and told DH that my family is loud and she doesn't understand anything that they say to her, but they keep her fed and entertained so she had a good time. 

    We're telling both our families about the pregnancy in-person at the end of the month (DH is going to India, I'm going to San Diego), and while my family will be happy for the news, my MiL is going to be like, BEYOND excited. She's wanted a grandchild for AGES. 
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  • @Sugargirl1019  How does your DH feel about cutting them off entirely?  It doesn't sound like a great relationship to begin with.  I honestly would just make my way to Verizon and cut them off ASAP.  They will never take you guys seriously if you don't follow up.  I'm sorry, it's a sucky situation.  I'm worried that if my father passes away, I'll be the one my mom ends up moving in with, too.  I just can't deal with all her health problems and drama, it makes me crazy.  I love her, but no.

    I'm very very fortunate to have awesome in-laws.  After they both retired, they moved down to our area specifically so they could be closer, and help watch DS.  They are a blessing.  I wouldn't say it is perfect, but I definitely don't take them for granted, especially with our second LO on the way.  
    DS1: Born 11.18.15
    DS2: EDD- 09.08.17

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  • Honestly, i almost feel bad writting something negative about my inlaws (though its really nothing) reading you posts ladies. 
    To get a better understanding : the day i kissed my now hubby was the day i moved into his appartment. We have been together 3 years before getting married. I got along pretty good with his 2 sisters (one older than me is my hairdresser, one 2 yrs younger is the one i hang out most). So his parents, before we got married, used to know me as their daughters friend, not as the son's girlfriend. Us arabs are pretty traditional, we re not supposed to live together unless we re married lol so it was a big secret. One summer, i went to see my parents in Morocco, and he took his mom for 2 weeks to Cuba. We wanted to both have a serious talk with our parents, get their approval since it was both our second marriage(our firsts were DI SAS TERS) , and both parents were against our first spouses lol. 
    Funny thing is, his mom started talking about me before he even got a chance to "your sisters friend is sssso nice, THAT is a woman u should marry"
  • Ohhhh my post was longer than that, half of it just disappeared :( 
    Long story short shes been the owner of 2 kindergartens for the past 10 years. So she thinks shes every care professional that exists. (psychologist, pediatrician, nutritionist etc) and i find it really hard to handle because when it comes to our future kid, she thinks only her way is the right way. Maybe its only the hormones nd i shouldnt even complain but she discredits everybodys way of handling things, even my moms lol, happy she lives in africa, i dont know how that they wouldnt be at each others throat during this pregnancy!!
  • My SO's mother is kind and sweet and does a lot for my family. In the beginning of my pregnancy I was a little put off by her because she was telling people the news about my pregnancy without me being ready for everyone to know. Then she wanted to come to my first US and I had to tell her no. Then she was under the impression she'd get to be in the delivery room and we told her no. Other than this stuff, she has been great. I have to be super careful with her because she is super sensitive and she ends up feeling so bad if she offends me in anyway so I have to very gingerly approach these topics. 

    SO's stepfather (might as well be his biological father) passed a few months before my father did. He was a little cantankerous but a very good person. I'm sad that our fathers will not get to meet their newest grandchild. 

    SO's biological father I have never met and never care to. He hasn't bothered to call or talk to SO in several years. The last time SO called him many years ago SO told him he loves him and his father didn't even bother saying it back. 
  • My ex in-laws (DD's grandparents) I do not care for. They rarely ever try to speak to DD and they totally enable their son who abandoned her. (He ran away overseas, married someone new and had two children with her that he completely provides for but he does absolutely nothing for DD. She's lucky if she gets a phone call on her birthday.) 

    I have them on Facebook so that they can see photos of their grandchild after they moved to another state. His mom is constantly posting about how proud she is of her son and I unfollowed her so I wouldn't have to see that anymore. 

    She does, however, comment on my posts telling me what a great father my SO is to Liadan and that is so thankful we have him. 

    At the the end of the day, my beef is with my ex husband, not with his family. 

    One day SO wants to adopt my daughter. 
  • My MIL and FIL are very loving. However, we clash on some views...they're ultra conservative but me and their son are super liberal. Pretty sure they hated us marching in the Womens March. But we love them! sister in law...LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD HAVE MERCY. she's my husband's 1/2 sister. She's much older than us, like 15 years. He forgets he has a sister sometimes. He basically grew up as an only child. there's a huge long story here...but lets just say I blocked her on facebook. I'm so glad she lives out of state (MN, im in CA). 
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