@devow27 can I ask if you work or stay home? I only ask because when I worked full time I didn't feel the need for a bunch of mom friends. I didn't have time for it. My best friends are also mothers but when we go out we can have a good time and not only talk about babies and SOs.
Now that I stay home I am a lot lonelier when it comes to talking to other adults so I totally understand the need for mom groups. It's a whole new mind game for me. I love staying home with my kids but I guess I didn't realize how much that adult interaction and chit chat at work made a difference. Bring on the play dates and mom groups!
I struggle with My views on spanking. I want to be team no spanking but DH is all for it which makes it hard. But he's not usually the disciplinarian either. I've slipped up and patted some booties a few times and felt horrible after. I agree that you have to find what works for each individual child. I'm more about a stern voice, hug, time to cool down, or taking away a toy. It's been a learning process for me.
I dobt love cutsie onesies for the most part but once my DD hit 2-3 she loves character clothes. We mostly do pjs to get her fill.
Im also not a big fan of skimpy bikinis for Babies and little girls but I did buy my DD a tankini last summer because wow is it so much easier for her to go potty by herself with that on!!! I hate the skimpy belly baring Dance and cheerleading costumes for little girls. I feel like they should be cute and not sexy/slutty. When did that become a thing??
Ok I have an UO and I hope it doesn't get me flamed lol . Maybe someone can just school me and explain?
I don't understand why Some FTMs are more afraid of tearing vaginally/ an episiotomy vs a csection. In the average everyday case. Like saying you would rather choose an elective surgery/c section over the possibility of tearing vaginally As a FTM because you think that will be easier.
Let me add that I am not talking about anyone that has had a traumatic experience with one or the other later having fears or a preference because of what they went through. I get that 100%.
I also understand birth is an unknown and scary so maybe people feel more in control as a FTM electing for a Csection vs risk tearing. But I think in most cases a vaginal tear or episiotomy is a minimal thing to recover from vs a csection which is a major abdominal surgery. I know there are more extreme cases and people have horror stories. I get that. I guess after having both a scheduled c section and vaginal birth with tear/episiotomy and stiches (all with no pain meds) I would choose vaginal birth and the possibility of tearing again everyday as long as it is safe for me and baby.
Also want to say im not saying I'm against c section for any medical reason. I've had one and would totally do it again if there was a medical reason. I'm talking FTM being more afraid of one thing than another. Or electing to have one as a FTM for no medical reason other than convenience or not wanting to tear down there.
@JessyKV I am home 3 days per week and work 2 days (tues/wed) so it's a balance...though my days at work are filled with little humans too and little adult interaction!
I guess my edit clarified more of what I meant. I don't need to get together with a group of women/people and listen to them bitch about their SO (I'm talking petty stuff, not the things that need true support) or complain about kids, etc. I prefer to spend my time with people laughing, supporting, having meaningful (mostly) conversations or just shooting the shit...not complaining. In the groups I've gotten into or attended my experience has been a whole lot of petty bitching, and I'd rather pass on it!
@devow27. Totally get that and agree! I enjoy a good bitch fest with my bffs from time to time but I can't stand people complaining over and over. It's all about finding the right group/women for sure. I feel like the older I get the more I don't want to waste my time with people that I really don't fully enjoy. If that makes sense. I value the adult time I get and I don't want to wAste it on miserable conversations.
I think I'm team no spanking, but again am totally for parents making their own choices on it. It's just never my initial reaction when my DD does something wrong. I have smacked her hand on numerous occasions and also grabbed her by the arm to get her attention and make myself clear. But otherwise I yell, which I would like to stop doing.
Also I see nothing wrong with bikinis on little girls. It's a bathing suit. It's not dressing them like teenagers. It's not sexualizing them unless you make it that way. I see no difference between putting a kid in a two piece, a one piece, or a full on rash guard (unless applying sunscreen is an issue for you)
I hate baby onsies and shirts that say," My aunt is my BFF." Or "If mom and dad say no, ask grandma." I know I'm taking it too seriously, but it's like an open invitation to undermine the parents.
Ok I have an UO and I hope it doesn't get me flamed lol . Maybe someone can just school me and explain?
I don't understand why Some FTMs are more afraid of tearing vaginally/ an episiotomy vs a csection. In the average everyday case. Like saying you would rather choose an elective surgery/c section over the possibility of tearing vaginally As a FTM because you think that will be easier.
Yes!!! As a FTM I was fine with tearing and I did (third degree) but was worried about the recovery from a c section before I had my son.
One of my husbands friends got married two winters ago and he and his new wife were at our house after my son was born. She asked me about my labor and delivery. I told her enough about it to tell someone on the first time meeting them. She then asked if I had an episiotomy or if I tore at all. I said yes. She asked me why I wanted my "husband to have to deal with a wife with stitched back together parts." She also told me if she ever has kids she will demand a c section becuase she doesn't want her body "ruined". Wtaf. Who says that the first time you meet someone?! When they finally left I told my husband to never invite that friend back to our house with his wife.
With that being said, I think hearing stories about tearing and what episiotomies are must not go over well when some people hear about them. But I'm not sure why a c section sounds better (no offense to anyone at all who had one).
@kdanjou I completely with yout about the bikinis for toddlers and young girls. Not only do I feel like it is sexualizing them, it also is exposing more of their skin to UV rays, regardless of sunscreen use. I also hate little girls in booty shorts. Why are we dressing them like teenagers?
@JessyKV I am with you about not scheduling a c-section unless there is a real medical or emotional reason. I had a friend who scheduled a c-section just because she wanted to choose the birthday. I think baby should stay in there until they are ready to come out (without medical complications, of course). Nature knows how long they need.
My UO is I don't think kids should have cellphones. DS won't get one until he is driving or maybe in an after school sport where he might need to reach us after hours and not have access to a phone. When he does get one, he will not be taking it with him to high school. I am not anti-cell phone but I don't get why a six year old needs and iPhone to text her friends or why you need one at school. Free time? Go talk to your friends face to face or go read a book in the library.
edit: because missing one word can completely alter what you aren't trying to say
Me: 34 DH: 35 Married: July 2009 BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013 Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016 3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3 First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
@kassyfry yikes that girl sounds like a real peach!! And honestly sex was way worse after my c section than after my episiotomy/tearing and stitches!! Anyway after I birth a baby for my husband he is happy to be getting anything and not thinking about any part of me every being ruined.
@kassyfry WTF?! I hate when women act like their partners are suffering or having their rights taken away when our bodies change. He gets a kid out of the deal. Without having to go through labor and delivery himself. I'll pretty sure he can deal with stretch marks or waiting for a tear to heal or whatever. I'm not an object for his consumption.
@huskermom14 I have so many thoughts about so many of these posts but it's 12:30a and I have to get up at 6 so I don't have it in me to write much. But I just had to comment on that well check call you had - could that be more infuriating???? What the hell is wrong with people?? It was your backyard and your kid was fine! Why would they assume you weren't paying attention from a distance?? Smh!
Me: 36; DH: 38 DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17! **TW** MMC & D&C Aug 2016
A day late... story of my life. But I agree with so many of these posts.
I hate risqué clothing for little girls. Can we give them a few years before we turn them into sex objects? It's not cute.
I HATE character clothing and worry about the day my kids want it. I also really hate shirts with silly sayings on it. Please don't do it!
I had a csection for my first and now I'm terrified of a VBAC. I was pumped up for one but one of you ladies posted about a horrible tear and how you regretted having a VBAC and now I think about that everyday. I'm far more afraid of a bad tear than I am of a csection.
My original UO: I don't care too much about weight gain during pregnancy. I've spent my entire life obsessing over weight and worrying what people thought. I am thankful for these 9 months that I get to cut lose and not care. 24 hours after baby comes I will be back to eating clean, until then hand me those cookies!
Team no spanking over here. I'm pretty opinionated on this as largely my professional background revolves around child behavior and evidence based practices on how to deal with various behaviors. But, I'll save you all and just say, please don't spank your kids and look into alternative behavior modification methods. Even in scary, harmful situations there are solutions other then physical management (spanking). You do you, but I'm definitely going over a different behavior method for any situation you bring to the table "qualifying" for a spanking (in my head).
DS is a "hot wire" as I like to call it and can put up some behaviors thay literally make me want to pull my eye balls out, but, we're moving through them without issue and zero spanking.
Also can't stand "cutsie" shirts/onsie with sayings on them. I made it clear with our families before DS was born that those type of clothing gifts would be returned. Character ones I can see becoming difficult to avoid as DS gets a little older and I'm a little less concerned about it now. You wanna wear Mickey Mouse? Cool dude, it's fine.
My UO today: I don't understand the huge push these days for "mommy groups" "mommy play dates" "mommy101" yadda yadda. I suppose TB is an extension of that, but I don't have a desire to seek out making 35 mommy friends because I became a mom. I have a solid amazing group of women and friends in my life...with kids and without...I'm good, mommy-hood. Maybe my opinion is contradictory because I'm on here but, whatever...It makes sense in my head!
Edit it to say: woah, that was long and, I guess in my experience "mommy get togethers" always end up with people bashing their SO or complaining about life or kids. Just not my cup of tea. Where's the wine and a hilarious game? I'm down for that.
Hey, @devow27, do you mind sharing more? I'm really committed to not spanking for a number of ideological resins as well as all the evidence that it increases aggression, mental health issues, etc. But my daughter is really young and I don't have a game plan yet for some scenarios I'm sure will come up that I know a lot of parents resort to spanking to deal with. If you don't mind, can you give me some ideas of what behavior methods come to mind for situations like these?
1). Scary/harmful situations where an immediate point needs to be made strongly and the behavior CAN'T recur and be extinguished gradually, like running into traffic or hitting a baby sibling.
2). Situations where tactics like time out/time in would actually act as reinforcers and other consequences (like losing or earning a privilege) would be too far removed to be effective for a young child, like a three year old getting out of bed repeatedly at night.
If you don't want to your professional knowledge for free to an internet stranger, that's cool, too. I am just curious what you advise for situations like these so I thought I would ask!
@ellie111227 I'm happy to talk about my thoughts on options to deal with various behaviors! No skin off my back. By the sounds of it, you have at least a moderate grasp on behavior and ways to approach behavior based on the language you used...so I'll go a little in depth for you.
Example: running into the road
1) How old is the child? If they're under 2 1/2-3 years of age they may NOT truly understand the gravity of running into the road. Therefore, setting boundaries wherever you are (walking to a line, setting up a chair and practicing turning around at it) and working on a VERY firm "STOP!" is key. For that age, it will become a game if you continue to chase after them yelling nonsense or swat their bottom. So first step is clear CONSISTENT boundaries and firm LOUD meaningful "STOP". This is preemptive as a parent before you're in an outside situation by a road. Make sense? Setting the boundary goes the same for older kids too...but what follows would be different. Your word HAS TO mean something.
When the boundry is set is set and you practice it, and the child comes back...have a HUGE positive reinforcer there to give the child. A coveted snack, treat, iPad time...anything that is EXTREMELY motivating to them. It likely has to be novel. Practice a few times so the child associates stopping and coming back with something very positive. Positive reinforcement with words throughout the process is helpful too. "AWESOME stopping Sally! Way to GO! Let's go get that sucker!" Wohooooo! Big deal stuff.
Before the practice, I would also verbally and firmly address the boundary and then state what the consequence would be, no matter what age "When Mama/dada/grandpa says STOP, you need to stop. If you do not stop, then mommy will put you in timeout" "we will be leaving grandpas" "you will lose your iPad" etc etc.
If (or "first") / then statements are really helpful to introduce. "If you run away from mama, then you will go in time out" (or whatever is meaningful enough to that child).
2) So, you're in a situation where you have acknowledged the boundaries, you have your highly motivating reinforcers and think everything will be perfect...and Sally decides to take off. First, the verbal prompt extremely firm and stern, even angry sounding "STOP". Don't add anything in other then the child's name. Don't say "stop running" or "don't" or "watch out".
Obviously, you're moving towards your child as immediate danger is at hand. They don't stop. You run and grab the child and remove them to a safe area, away from people and attention. Shoo off anyone else trying to get involved, be over dramatic or give anymore attention then needed.
Sit in front of the child and extremely sternly, maybe even a bit angry and say "Mama said STOP. You did NOT stop. You go in a time out now (we are leaving grandpas, we are not going swimming, etc)."
Don't give it anymore attention then it needs and the less amount of words the better. Follow through. Your word is everything and your follow through is absolutely key.
There are obviously extremely cases that need individualized behavior attention like elopement, but if we're just talking about a typically developing toddler or child...This is a good route.
Example: Getting out of bed
1) Again, it's all about "setting the stage" beforehand. Bedtime routine (whatever that may be), verbally setting the expectation and have a positive reinforcement plan in place for the morning/after nap (sleep/stay in their bed for whatever amount of time ='s a sticker/cookie at breakfast or whatever you choose). Stay firm on an extinction method when it comes to putting child back in bed (see below).
2) Sally continues to come out of her room. It gets ZERO attention from you. Don't huff and puff, giggle or say anything to them. Just stand up and move toward your child. The first 1-2 times you walk her back (do not carry) and lay her down in her bed "it's time for night night" and leave. After the first few times, absolutely NO verbal commincation and continue to place child back in bed. Yes, this can go on forever and last a few days, but eventually you will extinct that behavior by staying consistent and following through.
The reinforcement is tricky here, but you could do even a sticker chart keeping track of nights you didn't have to redirect back to bed (earning a sticker in the AM and verbally praising/acknowledging "mommy didn't have to come back in last night, here's your sticker!) and 4:7 nights of stickers would earn a special treat (or whatever).
I would start start with a extinction plan for getting out of bed. Once that's established, and they're staying in their bed, shoot for the 4 or 5 stickers per week earning something special.
Let me know what you'd like clarified, I typed this really fast!!!
@ellie111227 I know you weren't asking me this question and I'm most definitely not a medical professional, but I do have a plan on how to deal with how I would handle DD hitting her baby sibling. I've thought a lot about it because my children will be 19 months apart and I have a family member with children close in age and saw that situation occur repeatedly. The older child got spanked or yelled at and over time the older child became more and more aggressive toward their baby sibling. It got really bad, to the point that the younger child would literally flinch when the older child came near. I plan to speak gently and redirect, for example, "We don't touch the baby's eye, but we can touch their feet. Look at how little their feet are!" That way it keeps the younger baby safe and the older child doesn't feel like they are constantly in trouble because of the baby. I'm sure this is easier in theory than in practice, but that's my game plan.
@devow27 Thanks! That is really helpful and makes a lot of sense. A couple more questions:
1) At what age do you think time out starts to be effective? And do you have an opinion on "time in," where the parent stays with the child and possibly helps them with processing their emotions when they are ready (yell in a pillow, rip paper, take deep breaths so and blow on your hands, talk about feelings and plans for next time, etc), as an alternative to time out? Good teaching of emotion regulation strategies, our just a way to reinforce bad behaviour? 2) Taking about the bedtime scenario above, you mentioned rewards in the morning (so with a lot of time in between) and sticker charts (working toward a future reward). Have you seen stuff like that work with kids under 4-5, or is that kind of a backup support for the main extinction plan of just not reacting to the undesired behavior? 3). What would you do with something like aggression towards a baby sibling, especially with a very young toddler (mine will be 20 months apart)?
@doodleoodle I have seen the same thing happen! My plan is more or less the same as yours. I'm hoping it works, unless devow has another suggestion for us! I am really committed to not letting the baby become a source of "trouble" for dd. I feel like that can only cause more problems in the long run.
@ellie111227 haha I'm glad you made it through all of that! DS just woke up but I'm tagging you so I remember to come back and answer! But in a quick, yes, I do time in's...a variation of them I suppose. I'll be back!
1) I think it depends on your child, developmentally where they are at. For example, DS is 21 months and we've been successfully doing "time ins" for about 2 months. These are only put into action when he is hitting or done something unsafe and has been WARNED. 1st offense: ignore. Give whatever behavior has happene zero attention. 2nd offense: "If you hit sissy again, I will move you to time out" 3rd offense: Move child to time out/in area and state forming again what WAS the expectation "Mommy said no hitting. You may not use your hands to hit".
Staying with them but turning your body away still gets the message across. Processing afterwards of what they CAN do with their hands or what they CAN say/do when they are frustrated is important. "You can give sissy high fives, or touch her toes with your hands. When you're feeling angry you can say "help mama". Etc.
If your child is developing age appropriately, this totally can be started between 20-24 months.
It's also JUST as important to catch them doing "nice hands" and give that positive behavior TONS of praise. "Wow Sally! Mama is SO HAPPY to see you using nice hands!" "That's right Sally! You can give sissy high fives!" Etc.
2) I think ages 3+ completely understand the concept of the sticker chart for the positive behavior (staying in bed). But you're right, the most important is to extinct the challenging one (getting out of bed) because it's very likely it's for escape or attention.
3) Challenging boundaries is 100% typical for a toddler i.e seeing what your/or baby's reaction might be to hitting/pinching. This can be dealt with a few ways but what my approach will be is: a) if it's not dangerous, and DS is doing it to grab my attention, like pull off the baby's sock, I will 100% ignore it. (Obviously you're keeping a watchful "mom eye" just in case...) b) if he continues or does something that hurts baby, I will say something along the lines of "Oh J, look, baby is crying. You hurt baby. Your hands can give baby soft touch (demonstrates), but you may not hurt the baby. If you hurt baby again, I will put you in timeout". Redirect to something DS enjoys but not give him a ton of attention and this is not a "rewarding" activity (this would send the message that: if I hurt baby, I get a snack...etc), you're just switching his focus. If you can catch them ALMOST hurting baby, you can also distract/redirect before it gets to a time out/in. But again, not rewarding, just redirection. c) follow time out/in example
@ellie111227 you're welcome! I'm in no way a behavior genius, but I will say sticking to the ignoring/redirecting of undesired behaviors and positively reinforcing the great ones is a good step in the right direction. Toddlers are so so so tough...some days I feel like I look at DS and go "I know so much, but in this moment, I don't know what the F to do about you!" Lol...it's about balance and finding your groove...and making your word mean something, positively and with consequence!
@devow27 I am right there with you. I am doing a neuroanatomy, function, and dysfunction peds CEU today and tomorrow and behavior was a huge component covered today. It was a great refresher on the brain and development at specific stages!
I know... I know... not Thursday but I was reminded of one: I do NOT get "push presents". when I was expecting DD, I had an acquaintance who kept bugging the Mr about getting me a Push Present. Like seriously WTF...
first of all there's the $$ aspect. I'm the breadwinner and I was out on unpaid leave. No, an expensive present is not what my family needed at that point.
Second, it just sounds so gift grabby to me! The whole idea grosses me out. You know what "gift" I wanted? How about a healthy baby? How about an easy recovery? I really wanted to have my Mom with us... None of that comes in a box with a bow, so no Push Presents for me.
@silliegirlie143 I'm with you on anything extravagant... like one of my BFF's got a large diamond piece of jewelry.
However, don't call it a push present and it doesn't have to be in the hospital or right when we get home but I am still annoyed DH hasn't picked up on my hints for something to signify my kids birth for me... a simple necklace with engraved initial charms or just something, doesn't have to be pricey, more sentimental. Maybe next mother's day (it'll be my 5th one though, ha!)
@silliegirlie143 I had a really hard delivery and DD was in the NICU while I was put on bedrest at home. DH going back and forth to the NICU with my pumped milk and taking care of our little girl was the best push present. He also bought me one of those raised toilet seat attachments that elderly people use because I had so many stitches that I really struggled to sit that low. Fancy? Definitely not, but so thoughtful! I would take both of those over any fancy gift!
@silliegirlie143 I agree. We don't do extravagant gifts in our house anyways and I'm not into jewelry, purses, perfume, make up, etc. I think the "present" is the baby. Or, if my husband really felt obligated to get my something, sushi would be nice post delivery
I've already told DH what I want as my "push present" - I want to have cable tv again for the duration of my leave! I figure we might actually have to put down our phones to tend to baby
Highly monitored internet and no cell service in the office, so I'm postin' and ghostin' while I'm workin'
I'll be having the baby about a month before my 30th birthday, so my husband is planning a slightly more extravagant birthday present instead of a push present.
I'll be having the baby about a month before my 30th birthday, so my husband is planning a slightly more extravagant birthday present instead of a push present.
I'm due 8 days before my birthday... hopefully she doesn't decide to stay in that long! As for the push presents... I'm not a huge fan of gift giving between DH and I anyways- I would rather have a date night or go on a vacation lol
@keniialise that is too funny, I never considered it a push present but after I had my twins I told DH as soon as I was cleared for solid food in the hospital that was all I wanted... he went and got me a whole BH Italian sub from Publix, it was amazing
We usually don't even bother buying each other birthday and christmas gifts, especially now that we have DD to shop for. Which is why I was shocked when DH got me a beautiful pearl (DD's birthstone, she is also june) and diamond pendant necklace after she was born. I was all hopped up on PP hormones obviously, but I definitely cried a lot. And in normal life I do not cry. He also got me the much more useful elliptical we have in the house now so I could work out on leave and that is awesome.
I've definitely told my DH about the push presents my friends have gotten and hope I get a little something when it's my time! I'm not materialistic though. I wasn't thrilled with a bracelet he got me for anniversary (sorry Pandora fans) so we returned it and never got anything else to replace. And I asked for a humidifier for my birthday :-)
My push present both times was a burger from my favorite joint and champagne. I ate and drank while 20 people (friends and family) held my babies while praising them and me! Lol!
my hubby put a bottle of champagne in my stocking this year.
My DH and I don't get each other gifts very often . We more likely go shopping together and pick out stuff we like if we do anything at all for birthdays or anniversaries or we buy a big gift for the house. So I never expected or received a push present for our first two kids and don't expect one this time either! I do really want an initial necklace at some point but it's probably something I would buy for myself. It sounds bad but gifts just aren't really our style.
I have friends whose husbands are normal gift givers and I think it's sweet if they do something on their own but I would never expect or ask/demand a push present.
DH and I don't do push presents (unless you count my demanding he open a nice bottle of wine from his collection when we get home with baby). That said, DH did get me a beautiful journey necklace to celebrate DS to represent all our IF struggles and years of thinking our dreams of a family may never come true. That was unexpected, but sweet.
DH and I don't do push presents (unless you count my demanding he open a nice bottle of wine from his collection when we get home with baby). That said, DH did get me a beautiful journey necklace to celebrate DS to represent all our IF struggles and years of thinking our dreams of a family may never come true. That was unexpected, but sweet.
Re: UO Thursday 1/19
Now that I stay home I am a lot lonelier when it comes to talking to other adults so I totally understand the need for mom groups. It's a whole new mind game for me. I love staying home with my kids but I guess I didn't realize how much that adult interaction and chit chat at work made a difference. Bring on the play dates and mom groups!
I dobt love cutsie onesies for the most part but once my DD hit 2-3 she loves character clothes. We mostly do pjs to get her fill.
Im also not a big fan of skimpy bikinis for Babies and little girls but I did buy my DD a tankini last summer because wow is it so much easier for her to go potty by herself with that on!!! I hate the skimpy belly baring Dance and cheerleading costumes for little girls. I feel like they should be cute and not sexy/slutty. When did that become a thing??
I don't understand why Some FTMs are more afraid of tearing vaginally/ an episiotomy vs a csection. In the average everyday case. Like saying you would rather choose an elective surgery/c section over the possibility of tearing vaginally As a FTM because you think that will be easier.
Let me add that I am not talking about anyone that has had a traumatic experience with one or the other later having fears or a preference because of what they went through. I get that 100%.
I also understand birth is an unknown and scary so maybe people feel more in control as a FTM electing for a Csection vs risk tearing. But I think in most cases a vaginal tear or episiotomy is a minimal thing to recover from vs a csection which is a major abdominal surgery. I know there are more extreme cases and people have horror stories. I get that. I guess after having both a scheduled c section and vaginal birth with tear/episiotomy and stiches (all with no pain meds) I would choose vaginal birth and the possibility of tearing again everyday as long as it is safe for me and baby.
Also want to say im not saying I'm against c section for any medical reason. I've had one and would totally do it again if there was a medical reason. I'm talking FTM being more afraid of one thing than another. Or electing to have one as a FTM for no medical reason other than convenience or not wanting to tear down there.
I guess my edit clarified more of what I meant. I don't need to get together with a group of women/people and listen to them bitch about their SO (I'm talking petty stuff, not the things that need true support) or complain about kids, etc. I prefer to spend my time with people laughing, supporting, having meaningful (mostly) conversations or just shooting the shit...not complaining. In the groups I've gotten into or attended my experience has been a whole lot of petty bitching, and I'd rather pass on it!
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
to time but I can't stand people complaining over and over. It's all about finding the right group/women for sure. I feel like the older I get the more I don't want to waste my time with people that I really don't fully enjoy. If that makes sense. I value the adult time I get and I don't want to wAste it on miserable conversations.
on numerous occasions and also grabbed her by the arm to get her attention and make myself clear. But otherwise I yell, which I would like to stop doing.
Also I see nothing wrong with bikinis on little girls. It's a bathing suit. It's not dressing them like teenagers. It's not sexualizing them unless you make it that way. I see no difference between putting a kid in a two piece, a one piece, or a full on rash guard (unless applying sunscreen is an issue for you)
One of my husbands friends got married two winters ago and he and his new wife were at our house after my son was born. She asked me about my labor and delivery. I told her enough about it to tell someone on the first time meeting them. She then asked if I had an episiotomy or if I tore at all. I said yes. She asked me why I wanted my "husband to have to deal with a wife with stitched back together parts." She also told me if she ever has kids she will demand a c section becuase she doesn't want her body "ruined". Wtaf. Who says that the first time you meet someone?! When they finally left I told my husband to never invite that friend back to our house with his wife.
With that being said, I think hearing stories about tearing and what episiotomies are must not go over well when some people hear about them. But I'm not sure why a c section sounds better (no offense to anyone at all who had one).
@JessyKV I am with you about not scheduling a c-section unless there is a real medical or emotional reason. I had a friend who scheduled a c-section just because she wanted to choose the birthday. I think baby should stay in there until they are ready to come out (without medical complications, of course). Nature knows how long they need.
My UO is I don't think kids should have cellphones. DS won't get one until he is driving or maybe in an after school sport where he might need to reach us after hours and not have access to a phone. When he does get one, he will not be taking it with him to high school. I am not anti-cell phone but I don't get why a six year old needs and iPhone to text her friends or why you need one at school. Free time? Go talk to your friends face to face or go read a book in the library.
edit: because missing one word can completely alter what you aren't trying to say
Me: 34 DH: 35
Married: July 2009
BFP: November 2012 after 2 years of TTC DS born August 2013
Diagnosed with PCOS April 2016
3 months of trigger shot with timed intercourse BFN x3
First IUI: 9/17/16 BFP: 9/30/16 EDD: 6/11/17
Me: 36; DH: 38
DD: 7; DS1: 4; DS2 due 6-21-17!
**TW**
MMC & D&C Aug 2016
BFP Oct 2011 - DD born July 2012
TTC again since July 2014
First IUI 9/26/16: BFP!
EDD 6/19/2017
It's a girl!
Born 6/26/17, 9lb 5oz
I hate risqué clothing for little girls. Can we give them a few years before we turn them into sex objects? It's not cute.
I HATE character clothing and worry about the day my kids want it. I also really hate shirts with silly sayings on it. Please don't do it!
I had a csection for my first and now I'm terrified of a VBAC. I was pumped up for one but one of you ladies posted about a horrible tear and how you regretted having a VBAC and now I think about that everyday. I'm far more afraid of a bad tear than I am of a csection.
My original UO: I don't care too much about weight gain during pregnancy. I've spent my entire life obsessing over weight and worrying what people thought. I am thankful for these 9 months that I get to cut lose and not care. 24 hours after baby comes I will be back to eating clean, until then hand me those cookies!
1). Scary/harmful situations where an immediate point needs to be made strongly and the behavior CAN'T recur and be extinguished gradually, like running into traffic or hitting a baby sibling.
2). Situations where tactics like time out/time in would actually act as reinforcers and other consequences (like losing or earning a privilege) would be too far removed to be effective for a young child, like a three year old getting out of bed repeatedly at night.
If you don't want to your professional knowledge for free to an internet stranger, that's cool, too. I am just curious what you advise for situations like these so I thought I would ask!
Example: running into the road
1) How old is the child? If they're under 2 1/2-3 years of age they may NOT truly understand the gravity of running into the road. Therefore, setting boundaries wherever you are (walking to a line, setting up a chair and practicing turning around at it) and working on a VERY firm "STOP!" is key. For that age, it will become a game if you continue to chase after them yelling nonsense or swat their bottom.
So first step is clear CONSISTENT boundaries and firm LOUD meaningful "STOP". This is preemptive as a parent before you're in an outside situation by a road. Make sense? Setting the boundary goes the same for older kids too...but what follows would be different. Your word HAS TO mean something.
When the boundry is set is set and you practice it, and the child comes back...have a HUGE positive reinforcer there to give the child. A coveted snack, treat, iPad time...anything that is EXTREMELY motivating to them. It likely has to be novel. Practice a few times so the child associates stopping and coming back with something very positive. Positive reinforcement with words throughout the process is helpful too. "AWESOME stopping Sally! Way to GO! Let's go get that sucker!" Wohooooo! Big deal stuff.
Before the practice, I would also verbally and firmly address the boundary and then state what the consequence would be, no matter what age "When Mama/dada/grandpa says STOP, you need to stop. If you do not stop, then mommy will put you in timeout" "we will be leaving grandpas" "you will lose your iPad" etc etc.
If (or "first") / then statements are really helpful to introduce. "If you run away from mama, then you will go in time out" (or whatever is meaningful enough to that child).
2) So, you're in a situation where you have acknowledged the boundaries, you have your highly motivating reinforcers and think everything will be perfect...and Sally decides to take off. First, the verbal prompt extremely firm and stern, even angry sounding "STOP". Don't add anything in other then the child's name. Don't say "stop running" or "don't" or "watch out".
Obviously, you're moving towards your child as immediate danger is at hand. They don't stop. You run and grab the child and remove them to a safe area, away from people and attention. Shoo off anyone else trying to get involved, be over dramatic or give anymore attention then needed.
Sit in front of the child and extremely sternly, maybe even a bit angry and say "Mama said STOP. You did NOT stop. You go in a time out now (we are leaving grandpas, we are not going swimming, etc)."
Don't give it anymore attention then it needs and the less amount of words the better. Follow through. Your word is everything and your follow through is absolutely key.
There are obviously extremely cases that need individualized behavior attention like elopement, but if we're just talking about a typically developing toddler or child...This is a good route.
Example: Getting out of bed
1) Again, it's all about "setting the stage" beforehand. Bedtime routine (whatever that may be), verbally setting the expectation and have a positive reinforcement plan in place for the morning/after nap (sleep/stay in their bed for whatever amount of time ='s a sticker/cookie at breakfast or whatever you choose). Stay firm on an extinction method when it comes to putting child back in bed (see below).
2) Sally continues to come out of her room. It gets ZERO attention from you. Don't huff and puff, giggle or say anything to them. Just stand up and move toward your child. The first 1-2 times you walk her back (do not carry) and lay her down in her bed "it's time for night night" and leave. After the first few times, absolutely NO verbal commincation and continue to place child back in bed. Yes, this can go on forever and last a few days, but eventually you will extinct that behavior by staying consistent and following through.
The reinforcement is tricky here, but you could do even a sticker chart keeping track of nights you didn't have to redirect back to bed (earning a sticker in the AM and verbally praising/acknowledging "mommy didn't have to come back in last night, here's your sticker!) and 4:7 nights of stickers would earn a special treat (or whatever).
I would start start with a extinction plan for getting out of bed. Once that's established, and they're staying in their bed, shoot for the 4 or 5 stickers per week earning something special.
Let me know what you'd like clarified, I typed this really fast!!!
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
1) At what age do you think time out starts to be effective? And do you have an opinion on "time in," where the parent stays with the child and possibly helps them with processing their emotions when they are ready (yell in a pillow, rip paper, take deep breaths so and blow on your hands, talk about feelings and plans for next time, etc), as an alternative to time out? Good teaching of emotion regulation strategies, our just a way to reinforce bad behaviour?
2) Taking about the bedtime scenario above, you mentioned rewards in the morning (so with a lot of time in between) and sticker charts (working toward a future reward). Have you seen stuff like that work with kids under 4-5, or is that kind of a backup support for the main extinction plan of just not reacting to the undesired behavior?
3). What would you do with something like aggression towards a baby sibling, especially with a very young toddler (mine will be 20 months apart)?
@doodleoodle I have seen the same thing happen! My plan is more or less the same as yours. I'm hoping it works, unless devow has another suggestion for us! I am really committed to not letting the baby become a source of "trouble" for dd. I feel like that can only cause more problems in the long run.
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
1) I think it depends on your child, developmentally where they are at. For example, DS is 21 months and we've been successfully doing "time ins" for about 2 months. These are only put into action when he is hitting or done something unsafe and has been WARNED. 1st offense: ignore. Give whatever behavior has happene zero attention. 2nd offense: "If you hit sissy again, I will move you to time out" 3rd offense: Move child to time out/in area and state forming again what WAS the expectation "Mommy said no hitting. You may not use your hands to hit".
Staying with them but turning your body away still gets the message across. Processing afterwards of what they CAN do with their hands or what they CAN say/do when they are frustrated is important. "You can give sissy high fives, or touch her toes with your hands. When you're feeling angry you can say "help mama". Etc.
If your child is developing age appropriately, this totally can be started between 20-24 months.
It's also JUST as important to catch them doing "nice hands" and give that positive behavior TONS of praise. "Wow Sally! Mama is SO HAPPY to see you using nice hands!" "That's right Sally! You can give sissy high fives!" Etc.
2) I think ages 3+ completely understand the concept of the sticker chart for the positive behavior (staying in bed). But you're right, the most important is to extinct the challenging one (getting out of bed) because it's very likely it's for escape or attention.
3) Challenging boundaries is 100% typical for a toddler i.e seeing what your/or baby's reaction might be to hitting/pinching. This can be dealt with a few ways but what my approach will be is:
a) if it's not dangerous, and DS is doing it to grab my attention, like pull off the baby's sock, I will 100% ignore it. (Obviously you're keeping a watchful "mom eye" just in case...)
b) if he continues or does something that hurts baby, I will say something along the lines of "Oh J, look, baby is crying. You hurt baby. Your hands can give baby soft touch (demonstrates), but you may not hurt the baby. If you hurt baby again, I will put you in timeout". Redirect to something DS enjoys but not give him a ton of attention and this is not a "rewarding" activity (this would send the message that: if I hurt baby, I get a snack...etc), you're just switching his focus. If you can catch them ALMOST hurting baby, you can also distract/redirect before it gets to a time out/in. But again, not rewarding, just redirection.
c) follow time out/in example
I hope this helps too!
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
DH: 29
DS: 18 months 4/2/2015
Baby #2 EDD: 6/1/2017
I do NOT get "push presents".
when I was expecting DD, I had an acquaintance who kept bugging the Mr about getting me a Push Present. Like seriously WTF...
first of all there's the $$ aspect. I'm the breadwinner and I was out on unpaid leave. No, an expensive present is not what my family needed at that point.
Second, it just sounds so gift grabby to me! The whole idea grosses me out. You know what "gift" I wanted? How about a healthy baby? How about an easy recovery? I really wanted to have my Mom with us... None of that comes in a box with a bow, so no Push Presents for me.
However, don't call it a push present and it doesn't have to be in the hospital or right when we get home but I am still annoyed DH hasn't picked up on my hints for something to signify my kids birth for me... a simple necklace with engraved initial charms or just something, doesn't have to be pricey, more sentimental. Maybe next mother's day (it'll be my 5th one though, ha!)
So maybe I am pro push present after all...
Highly monitored internet and no cell service in the office, so I'm postin' and ghostin' while I'm workin'
As for the push presents... I'm not a huge fan of gift giving between DH and I anyways- I would rather have a date night or go on a vacation lol
my hubby put a bottle of champagne in my stocking this year.
I have friends whose husbands are normal gift givers and I think it's sweet if they do something on their own but I would never expect or ask/demand a push present.