*TW*-NBR, but Parent-Related

arels483

My mother passed away a week ago today. I am so devastated and shocked and I feel so alone. My mother's passing was completely unexpected to us. She had been smoking for years and was going to quit for the baby, and we were so happy about that. She had illnesses related to smoking, but there was nothing going on that was too crazy. She had a cold, but was doing well for her. I talked to her on Friday and she said that she felt worse than ever with the cold, and I joked with her that everyone gets a cold and to take advantage of the sleepiness that accompanied the cold. In hindsight I should have asked her if she wanted me to take her to the doctor, but I really thought it was only a cold that would be gone in a few days. Instead, she was gone the next day. We don't know what happened. 

My mom was so excited to be a grandma. She was excited to shop for the baby before he comes and was excited to hold my hand and be there when he is born. She was excited to help teach me how to be a mom and to spoil the baby. Now my baby will never get to meet his grandma. I feel so terrible about that part of it. I am glad that the week before she passed DH and I jumped ship on Team Green and were able to tell my mom the gender and name of our baby. The baby's middle name is for her father, and I was really excited to tell her that.

My mom was my very best friend. We talked every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I have never felt so alone in my life. I have great support in my family, but I just want the comfort that my mom gave me. I need her more than ever now. I don't know how to grieve for my mom. I feel very broken. I'm worried that I am not taking care of myself very well during this time, and I'm sure that the baby feels my stress. 

pshaortao

Oh arels I'm so sorry for your loss. The unexpected part of it can't be easy at all, not that expected wouldn't be easy either. If you feel like her passing is affecting you that much, I would at least inform your OB so they can help you properly.

Hang in there, vent here anytime you need to. Ill be thinking of you and your family

Jens_Hoes

@arels483
I am so very sorry for your loss.  I have no idea what you might be going through, as I have never lost a parent, but have lost those closes to me.  Grief is incredibly individualized, and just know that however you grieve, will be the way that will help you, so don't feel guilty for not grieving the "right way".  Please don't feel guilt regarding not taking her to the doctor as well, obviously had you had known she was so ill, you would have done what is best to try to help her.
I imagine she would have done a fantastic job being a grandmother and guiding you through the process of becoming a mother, but your memories of her can try to help you with that.  
As for taking care of yourself and the baby, I'm not sure how much you are eating and drinking, try to eat as much as you can, and if it is very little, try to eat something full of sustenance such as protein filled to help the baby grow as much as you can.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.  

sarah0985

I'm so so very sorry. I too am very close with my mother and can't imagine what you're going through. Sending you prayers and hugs during this very difficult time for you

MrsFox2008

I am so so sorry about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs. 

mspacman34

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I would like to second about talking to your doctor and letting them know the situation. Also, counseling may be beneficial in helping you go through the grieving process whether it be with a therapist or religious leader (ex. pastor). Maybe have DH keep tabs on you right now with your eating, drinking, etc. Sometimes you just need to be reminded to do simple tasks like that. 

Sending you so many prayers, thoughts, and hugs right now. 

starphish18

I'm so incredibly sorry. I completely understand how the unexpected nature of your loss can be hard to come to terms with. I agree with what others are saying... It never hurts to find someone to talk about what your going through. It takes time to feel better, which I know is never very helpful to hear in the moment, but please make sure you take care of yourself during that time. Even just take a moment each day to think about what you're grateful for (including your baby on the way!). I hope you can find some peace soon. We're all here for you, too.

lilmisscrafty-2

I wish there was something more profound I could say other than I'm sorry, but I truly am. That type of loss would be hard for anyone to bear. Please do your best to take care of yourself. If your anything like me, don't keep things bottled up. Confiding in a sympathetic ear may be the best thing you need right now. 

KMD1106

I'm so very sorry @arels483. I'm wish I had tips or advice, but all I can offer is hugs and a place to vent. Please take care of yourself and know there isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. As long as you're physically taking care of yourself, your baby will be just fine. Don't feel bad about being incredibly sad, let yourself feel the feels. 

hp_momma

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish I had words of advice to help you through this healing process. We are all here for you if you need a place to vent or just write down your feelings. Take it hour by hour, day by day. So many hugs your way! 

RainyDays86

I am so very very sorry for your loss. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months before I became pregnant with DS and he died when DS was three months old. Learning to be a parent while navigating the loss of a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I echo what others have said about finding someone to talk to if you think it would be helpful. I didn't talk to a grief counselor when my dad died, but my mom and sister did and they found it very helpful. 

The best advice I got when my dad passed away was to let myself feel whatever I needed to feel. When you feel a terrible wave of sadness, let yourself cry. If you need time to yourself, take it. It's so important that you take care of yourself, especially while pregnant, and not holding your feelings back really does help.

Please let us know if there's anything we can do. We are all here for you.

vrj0522

@arels483 - I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family. 

CherryBananas

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Big gentle hugs. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

rkstro2

I'm so sorry for your loss.  What a terrible thing to go through . My thoughts and prayers are with you.  

NotAPlaya-JustCrushAlot

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you. We are here for you. 

Kipperoo

I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry that you feel so alone. I would echo others suggestions to mention it to your OB and, of course, lean on this board as much as you feel comfortable. 

llenadevida900

This is so so sad. Wishing you and your loved ones as much peace and you can find during this difficult time.

Squirtgun

I am so very sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you at this time. 

chickyclg

I am so sorry for your loss,  T&Ps are with you.

IvyMagic828

I am so sorry that you lost your mom, especially so unexpectedly.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be to lose someone you were so close to.  Thinking of you and your family at such a hard time.  Big hugs.

MrsFreeman2010

I am so so sorry! I have no words, but I will keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this. 

erinh2005

I am very sorry to hear this. Although I don't know what it's like to lose a parent I do know what it's like to lose a grandparent of your child - as DHs dad passed away suddenly last year on our wedding anniversary. DD was only 1 so even though she got to meet her grandpa she never really got to know him. I've already cried about this LO not even getting to meet him. I agree with the others to get help if you can because the grieving process is not easy to go through alone.  

kat81

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and that you still don't know what's going on.

Amybee5

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you can find peace and lean on your supportive family at this difficult time. 

bacorrea

I'm so very sorry to hear this. Thoughts & prayers go out to you and your family. 

bubsalicious

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father unexpectedly also a month before we got a BFP. It has been extremely hard, and I wish I could've at least seen his face when we announced because I know how much he was waiting for a grandchild. Remember, take it one day at a time. Heck, some days, take it an hour at a time! Grieving isn't always something that comes naturally, but it will come.

mcvgal

I'm so sorry for your loss can't imagine going through the loss of a parent especially during a time you need them the most. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

achays11

@arels483 I am so sorry for your loss. My dad had an unexpected seizure the night after DD was born and never recovered. He passed away when she was just over three months old. I definitely didn't have the relationship with him that it seems like you had with your mom (we hadn't spoken in 3 years), but it still hurt nonetheless. Instead of thinking that we will never have the possible reconciliation between him and I and him having an awesome relationship with his grandkids, I just tell DD all of the good things about him. It sounds like you will have a lot of amazing things to tell your son about his grandma, and her memory will live on through that. 

And like others have said, talk to your OB if you think that you're not taking the best care of yourself. Make sure that someone is aware of what's going on with you. T&P's for you and your family. 

RedInLove

I'm so sorry! We lost FIL several years ago unexpectedly, and one thing he really wanted to live to see was a grandchild. (DH is his only biological child.) It was impossible to not think of that when we had DD a few years ago. But we know FIL loved our kids before they were conceived, which is a beautiful gift to leave for us and someday for them when we can share stories about him. Your mother loved your child and always will!

nursemom-2

I'm so sorry for your loss- I lost my dad very unexpectedly when I was pregnant with DD.  There are still times I cry about the relationship they're missing out on because he was such an amazing grandfather to my neices and nephews.

n&a0630

@arels483 I am so sorry for your loss! Many thoughts and prayers for you this week and through the rest of your pregnancy and beginning of motherhood. 

arels483

Thank you so much, ladies. I really appreciate your kind words and positive thoughts for my family. I am still in shock.

My mom's doctor called my dad last Friday to find out what happened so that she could sign off on the death certificate, and she had the nerve to ask my dad if any of us had considered taking her to the doctor. Geez, lady! Like we aren't all feeling horrible and guilty about that already? 

I'm taking better care of myself, but it is a struggle. I'm trying to figure out how I can help our baby to know how important he was to his grandma that passed before he was born. I'm thinking books and lots of stories, but that's all I can think of. I put a couple of board books on my registry, but will probably buy them and start reading them to the baby before he even shows his face.

Thanks again, ladies. 

onebadmotha

I've been MIA lately and missed this- @arels483 I am so, so sorry you and your family are going through this. No first hand advice (though it looks like you've gotten some great responses above), just want to offer my support and positive thoughts. Take care of yourself and your little one.