Support People — The Bump
March 2017 Moms

Support People

I am curious to know who everyone is having with them during labor and delivery, or for STM who did you have with your other births?

My hospital allows 4 support people.  I had planned on it just being my husband and I, but a relative asked me if I was going to have my mom in there (in front of my mom) I said no and my mom said she was planning on being in there.  My sister in law invited her for her birth, but she wasn't able to be there because they live out of state.  She wants to be in there with me more as a mom to make sure I'm ok. (I'm her first daughter to have a baby.) 

I love my mom, and don't want to hurt her feelings or have regrets later on, but I've decided she definitely won't be in there for the delivery.  I'm considering allowing her to be in there during the early stages of labor, but am not sure.

Sorry for writing a book!  Interested to hear who others plan on inviting!

Re: Support People

  • Nobody but my husband.  We are both very private and my husband is an introvert, so I feel like even with someone professional like a doula, he would go into his shell.  And I think the only person I will really want in the thick of things is him.

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  • Just my husband and possibly my mom but still debating on her. I don't need or want many people there. 
  • I am allowed 3 support people in L&D, but am required to deliver in an operating room (twins).

    I had intended on having my mom and husband there for the delivery, but I can only bring 1 to the operating room so it'll be my husband only. 

    My mom is devastated. We are very close, I would consider her my best friend. These are her first grandkids. She's a retired nurse and even worked labor and delivery for a time. I know that she's going to be a great advocate for me, so I do intend to have her in the L&D room if I'm able to have a normal labor. Baby A is currently breech and if he stays that way they would schedule me for a C Section. 

    Random, but if I go into labor on a Wednesday, my future sister in law is actually in nursing school and will be doing clinicals in psych at the hospital I deliver at. If I'm laboring before/after her shift I told her she can swing by.
  • Just my husband  - Hands down.. I would feel funny with anyone else. 
  • Husband only. Was the only one last time too. There were tons of nurses and doctors in and out--no need for more people to add to the mix for me! 

    --maybe tell your mom you want her at your house with you for the beginning as you wait for things to ramp up and head to the hospital. -- i personally would feel weird having her come to the hospital with me and helping with labor for an undesignated amount of time and then kicking her out of the room to wait. 
  • Husband + Doula because we have no clue what we're doing :)
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  • @1stontheway ultimately its your delivery experience. Not anyone else's.
  • last time my sisters and i think my mom were there during early labor at the hospital and then just DH for the intense stuff. This time I'm hoping to avoid induction and show up to the hospital farther along so it will be just DH. 
  • husband + doula.  my hospital has the same rule as @direwolfmini with only one person allowed in the OR, but the doula has done a lot of twin deliveries at my hospital and has been able to negotiate her way into the room every time, so i'm hoping the same thing will happen for us.  it will be a crowded room with teams for each of the twins, but that is precisely why i really want a doula there. i want someone whose job it is to keep me calm through the chaos, let me know what's going on when it gets confusing, and to put my husband in his place if he's not being as helpful as he could be (that is 100% guaranteed to happen).  

    @direwolfmini -- your mom should absolutely try to talk her way in when the time comes to move rooms -- the worst thing that could happen is that they say no!  
  • I plan on having H and my mom with me. She's an RN and I know she'll be a great patient advocate, plus H doesn't do well if I'm in pain or upset so she'll be able to step in if he can't handle it. Plus she and I are very close and I feel like it might be one of those times where I just want my mom.
  • @anonellis That is a great suggestion! I already let her know the rules, but I'll let her know that she should brush up on her negotiating skills, too!
  • I'm planning on DH and possible my aunt. Both of my parents have passed away and DH's mom is a nightmare. My aunt is like a mom to me, and she's a former head nurse at Roosevelt hospital in NYC so she definitely has a lot of medical experience. I'm thinking I might want her there because I'm high risk (blood clotting disorder) and LO is 4 weeks bigger than average. If things don't go as planned she will be better able to remain calm, ask the right questions, etc while DH is panicking. 
  • Just the hubby! It's a special moment that we can have together without anyone else! Plus I feel like there are enough people staring at my vag that I don't need anymore! Lol 
  • Last time my husband, mom and dad were in the room with me while I was just in labor - hanging out in bed with my epidural watching the time go by. Only my husband was in the room for the csection. It will just be my husband for the whole thing this time since my mom and dad will be getting my four year old to school and picking him up at the end of the day. They will come to the hospital with my son that afternoon - my csection is scheduled for 8AM. 
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  • @1stontheway I swear I could have written this post myself - I am in the EXACT same situation! My mom actually tried to be there for my sister in laws delivery but baby came early and her flight was the next day. I'm leaning towards labor but not delivery. Only DH for delivery :)
  • For my first, I planned on it being only my DH during delivery. However, when things came down to pushing, I really didn't care who was there. My mom and MIL were in there. If you would have asked me beforehand, I wouldn't have imagined letting them stay for delivery. This time around, I almost feel obligated to let them stay for delivery again. I guess I'll just see how I feel at the time. 
  • CbeanzCbeanz
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    Husband only.
    Also in my birth plan I requested no residents, students, observers, random staff, or relatives.
  • I had my husband and my sister in law. It was great having them both and my SIL took all the pictures so me and hubby could just be together and focus on baby.
  • First baby had my mom and husband. Second baby just husband. Third baby probably just husband. My MIL mentioned she would like to be there and I'm okay with that but she would also need to be supervising my other kids so I don't know how she plans to pull that off lol 
  • Currently just planning on my husband. Having my MIL there during labor is something I'm sort of considering, but definitely not when it gets to delivery (whatever form that may take). My mother is honestly a nightmare and I'm really glad she lives in another state and can't just 'show up' at the hospital, which is she lived by me she would do. 
  • We plan on having my husband & doula (aside from nurses/doc) around for labor & delivery... fully knowing my family will be in waiting rooms at the hospital, and his family will be driving in then be at the hospital too. I don't want to deal with having more people there then kicking them out as things are getting more intense, and I'm pretty private in terms of things that might be hanging out at that point :p 
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  • I had lots of relatives in and out while laboring and then just my husband and mom for the delivery last time around.  I told my nurses to kick everyone out when we got close except mom and husband.  My MIL wanted to be in for the delivery last time but I said no.  I kind of regret it because like @jazzyma14 said I really didn't care by the time we actually got to the pushing stage.  Plus now that I have a child I see through her eyes that her baby was having a baby and she only wanted to be there for love and support.  This time I was going to have husband, my mom, and MIL but having twins also so only husband allowed in the operating room.  I'm so sad my mom won't be there.  She was so supportive to me and took all the pictures last time.  
  • It will just be SO and I. The midwives of course as well.. I did mention to him his mom being there but we will really need her to watch DD. My mom isn't in the picture so I didn't mind having her had we planned something else for DD. 
  • It's so nice to hear what everyone else is planning!  And to know I'm not the only one in the situation.  In a perfect world I would get to the hospital and progress so quickly that baby boy would be here before my mom (or anyone else) makes it to the hospital! Lol wishful thinking:)  I think I'll play it by ear, my midwife, and the nurse who lead the childbirth class both  said that the nurses are great about getting people out of the room without it looking like I'm the one wanting them out, which would definitely help with the guilt of kicking my mom out if I do decide to have her present during some of the labor.
  • Husband only. There's already way too many people involved with all of the staff that comes in and out. @1stontheway I know your mom is excited, but she's been in your shoes before and if all you want is your husband, it's just something she's going to have to understand. No is a full sentence. 

  • First time my sister and hubby were there, second I think just my husband this time my sister because she is taking pictures my daughter and hubby. I know my dad would want to but I don't feel comfortable with him in there since I'll probably have on a small amt of clothes but unless it happens on a Friday or Saturday I shouldn't have to worry about him because he works crazy hours. I'm only going to be at birthing center 4 hours after delivery and my that time my IL's will probably be here and at the house.

  • I had my mom and my husband with my son.  Daddy did everything, hold my legs, cut the cord. My mom and I are extremely close.  I wanted her there and she was of great comfort. She also is not a person who tries to take over a situation, she knew it was about MY FAMILY. I will have her in the room again. That said, this is YOUR baby, and you and your partner make that decision. Your mom will understand.  
  • My MIL asked if she could be there for the birth and my response was "Other than the trained medical professionals, the rule is if you were present at conception you can be there at the birth." Very effectively ended that conversation ;)
    Haha love this
  • My first, my mom and H were in the room the whole time. The last time, I only wanted my H and I but he told his mom she could be there so then I had to let my mom be there. They both went and waited in the waiting room once things got really going, though. My mom stayed for a while after he was born, but MIL left and then got pissy the next day that she still hadn't gotten to hold her grandson. Had she just waited 5 more minutes, she could have.

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  • It's interesting to me the different comfort levels and desires of different mothers.

    My hospital actually has no official limit on how many people you can have in the room (which I think is crazy because the nurse warned us in the birthing class/hospital tour that a lot of people can definitely get in the way and cause issues), but for me I have never even considered for a moment having any one there but my husband. I'm very close with my mother and sister for example, but the thought of having them there seems incredibly awkward, distracting and intrusive. At the same time I appreciate the fact that this is just my head's personal spin on birth and others are very happy to have other relatives in the room and there is nothing wrong or weird with that objectively. Part of the reason is probably because as the oldest of seven I watched my parents go off to the hospital to deliver siblings quite a few times and knew it was always just them and in fact they never called anyone to come wait in the waiting rooms either. Relatives and friends all got the call after the baby's birth (this was also before cell phones of course). Because of that in my head I never pictured us calling or telling anyone I was even going into labor until after bay is born. That part I will probably just leave up to my husband though. If he wants to text or call people wile waiting to let them know I'm in labor that's fine.  If my in-laws want to come and hang out in the waiting room (my side of the family lives out of state) that is also fine.

    That said I have read a lot of stories of mothers or mother -in -laws bullying their way into being allowed in the delivery room when not wanted by the parents and it nearly always ends up adding a ton of stress to the mother. I think when giving birth it is one of the few times in life you are allowed to be completely selfish with your decides because honestly... stress is only going to be bad for you, baby, and delivery.

  • hippiemama-2hippiemama-2
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    edited January 2017
    With DD, my husband, my mom and my sister were there.  It was only going to be my husband and my mom, but my sister was in visiting me when my doctor busted in and told my husband "Kyle, grab her leg.  Let's get pushing."  She laughs now about how she was ambushed.  My mom and sister stayed completely to the side of the room to try to let my husband and I really have the moment, but honestly - neither of us had a problem with either of them being there.

    This time, just my husband and I will be there since my mom will have DD.

  • @kiyamurph  how do you really feel? LOL

    I personally blame our entertainment industry for portraying childbirth as some kind of public spectacle where everyone feels welcome to pull up a chair and watch.  In reality it's an intimate, deeply emotional, spiritual experience involving varied levels of nudity, and extreme amounts of bodily fluids.  If I were a MIL I wouldn't particularly want to be there. It's a special and very unique experience for a couple to share.  If I weren't one of the parents I would feel like I was overstepping boundaries in a major way.
  • It will be just DH and me for the delivery.   My plan is to update (or have him update) family & BFFs via text & then let them know when we're accepting visitors.  Once we get in the PP room and settled etc.  The hospital where I am having her is big on the golden hour etc. so it won't be immediately after birth.  I am totally fine with this.

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  • Cbeanz said:
    @kiyamurph  how do you really feel? LOL

    I personally blame our entertainment industry for portraying childbirth as some kind of public spectacle where everyone feels welcome to pull up a chair and watch.  In reality it's an intimate, deeply emotional, spiritual experience involving varied levels of nudity, and extreme amounts of bodily fluids.  If I were a MIL I wouldn't particularly want to be there. It's a special and very unique experience for a couple to share.  If I weren't one of the parents I would feel like I was overstepping boundaries in a major way.
    So much this!! ^^^

    also, I was chatting with my nurses during my boring dragged out induction last go around, and they said by far the worst experiences they see with extra ppl in rooms is always with moms. Some are helpful like the laboring moms expect, but most actually have a really hard time seeing their "babies" in pain and are the ones freaking out and unnecessarily causing drama.

    For me, I feel like if mine were around it would be like that feeling when you go to visit home and you automatically pop back to your 16yr old self and everything your mom does starts to bug the hell out of you! 
  • Just my husband! .. We did a pain med free/alternative birthing center birth and discussed everything beforehand so I felt like he could support me. 

    My mom wanted to be there and I'm super close to her, but it came to the experience I wanted with my husband and our new baby. Also, I think he would have felt funny having my mom there and would definitely had to discussed roles and who was doing what. 

    Also, this reply seems super scattered which is how my brain feels today. 
    For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.
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  • @Vivandiere8 I can definitely see why NOT having a mother or mother in law might be a perk for most people. I love threads like this because it is interesting to read other people's perspectives on the same thing.

    I feel like my mother will be an asset because:
    1) She is a retired nurse and working in L&D for a while before moving to be a head nurse and then teach nursing for many years. She knows all of the medical jargon that will probably confuse me, and will be able to explain what's happening if the other nurses or doctors aren't doing a good job of that.
    2) She stays calm under pressure. She wouldn't freak out if things started to go south
    3) She will be an advocate for me, and my babies.
    4) If my MIL shows up, she would get her THE F*&^ out of the room. She would get into a fist fight for me if it came to that (it might, my MIL is nuts). My husband has always struggled with being assertive with his mother, I have nightmares that she will be just dropping by the hospital or my house... my mom will be the person that will tell her (in no uncertain terms) to GTFO. She will also help to wrangle the rest of the crazies that might show up.
    5) If it turns out that she isn't good under pressure, or is becoming problematic I have a very strong relationship with her and will have NO PROBLEM telling her to leave/go to the waiting room. She respects me enough to follow my wishes. We've had this conversation already. 
  • Cbeanz said:
    @kiyamurph  how do you really feel? LOL

    I personally blame our entertainment industry for portraying childbirth as some kind of public spectacle where everyone feels welcome to pull up a chair and watch.  In reality it's an intimate, deeply emotional, spiritual experience involving varied levels of nudity, and extreme amounts of bodily fluids.  If I were a MIL I wouldn't particularly want to be there. It's a special and very unique experience for a couple to share.  If I weren't one of the parents I would feel like I was overstepping boundaries in a major way.
    Exactly this.
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