2nd, 3rd, zillionth time moms, help a FTM out!

KirstinH88

@super_sam03 DH will come up with some idea like a new hairstyle for DS's hair. And I will say "nope. He's not your son. He's my son." HAHA!! I can be such a pain sometimes! He has two older boys that he can dress and give hair cuts to. Max and Samuel are ALL MINE!!!  But believe, when DS is being a PITA, he automatically becomes HIS son. 

super_sam03

@KirstinH88 I like the way you operate.  I think I'll definitely take a page out of your book when the boys arrive 

lovelongdog06

@cafedisco yes we found a pediatrician we like after DS went to his 4 month appointment and the doctor was still rude and condescending about his weight gain. Me: We rented a scale and figured out he wasn't getting enough so we now supplement x ounces or until he's full and feed on demand" Doc: "He's still not weighing what I want him to in spite of gaining x amount in this time period. You need to get his weight up". Pray tell how do you want me to get more milk in a full baby?! I just told you I was feeding him everything he'd take!

We like Dr. Collins at McAuley Peds and hope she's good with a newborn too, but she was night and day with the other doctor and was able to see a healthy baby and not a number on a chart.

Beckyf321

Another good investment is a detachable shower head.  I bought one before I had my first and was so happy I did, it made showering so much easier since my bleeding lasts several weeks.

FYI, the first post partum shower will be the most glorious, wonderful, amazing shower that you will ever take in your life.

HappyAnjel

@Beckyf321 and it may look like a scene from a horror movie..

cafedisco

super_sam03 said:

Also, thanks @HGRich about the stay-over guest question!  I was thinking the same thing.  My parents only live a half hour away and probably won't stay, they are too polite and don't ever want to overstay their welcome.  My in-laws though, they live almost 4 hours away and have both recently retired.  They have offered to come a few days a week to help out.  While I am super appreciative, I am not a fan of house guests for too long.  They tend to make themselves very much at home and I have to clean up after them.  I also worry about that time my husband and I want to be alone with our babies - that the in-laws will be there too.  They've offered and I have said "I really appreciate it - but let's get through the next several months without a hitch and we'll talk later."  I don't want to commit to something that I'll regret.  My husband and I are pretty private so sharing my tiny little house and all of our wonderful quirks may stress me out.  

It's like they think we are having kids for them... so that they can be grandparents.  But I want to scream "MINE!" Does that sound totally b!tchy?  

If you WERE having kids for them, I'd be worried!  Seriously, my ILs think the same thing.  They set up an entire nursery in their master bedroom. Without ever talking to us. It was never used...

Anyway, it sounds like you're someone who needs space.  I wouldn't risk it post partum...just ask the ILs to stay somewhere else if they come to town. Could your parents host them if they can't swing a hotel?  

This goes for everyone, I would never assume that people know what being helpful means.  This is for anyone in your life, even if they've been helpful in the past.  I've said it before...middle aged women sometimes get a crazy-hormone the second they become grandmothers.  A switch gets flipped. 

My mother went from being a normal human to...a complete and total crazy.  They would come over and plop themselves down for 10 hours a day, never fed us, never cleaned up, literally threw temper tantrums about everything (feet stomping, the whole bit).  We had to ask them to leave town after 2 weeks and even then, she refused until I said I wouldn't be allowing her in my home even if she stayed in town. Even if someone offers to "help", I would clarify what that will mean to you before accepting.

twistsandturnsto2

I agree with pp about your parents/family coming over to "help"- put them to work, ha ha! I was always afraid to ask for a lot of help with DS and regret it a bit now. This time I will be more vocal about it. And when I say "help" I mean bring a hot meal, clean the bathroom, etc. I hated watching everyone pass around my new baby while I got the drinks. It suucked. This time I want all the baby snuggles while they bring me things, lol

rachelmiller03

This thread has made me cry. F-ing hormones! Here are a couple of my pointers:
- My mom only lives 20 minutes away, but she still stayed with us to help the first week (with my begging her to do so). She got to hold DS a lot, but she mostly cleaned, cooked, walked the dog, brought the baby to me when he was hungry, and made sure I napped frequently. She was amazing! If the person helping (sister, mother, MIL, etc.) is not supportive of what you need, make them leave!
- If your SO can take time off work, make sure they do so! My DH took off 3 weeks (we are fortunate his has massive amounts of sick time, so he was paid for all of it). In the US, men can take FMLA for up to 12 weeks for the birth of a child. Most men don't take advantage of this. I was so happy to spend the first 3 weeks with DH and see him bond with our new baby. I feel like I fell in love with him all over again after seeing him with our new baby. Could have been the hormones too. 
- I know this may sound like "yeah, right", but really, sleep when the baby sleeps. As many PP's have said, you body is healing. If you birth is anything like mine, I didn't sleep for almost 48 hours. You need to recover, and sleep helps that process. Most babies (I know, not all) sleep A LOT the first few weeks, so take advantage of that and catch up too. 
- Remember that each baby is different. What works for one may not work for another. Mine HATED the rock-n-play, while other moms swore by it. Try everything you can, and stick with what works. 
- It is OK to be in survival mode. I think I was in survival mode for at least the first 6 months. 
- Take advantage of your hospital's programs. My hospital offers a nurse to come to your home after 2 weeks to check on you and baby. They are mostly checking for PPD with momma. I felt like "I didn't need it", but I was really glad she came. Gave us a lot of breastfeeding pointers, and I even started attending their weekly breastfeeding support group. 
- Whatever your plan is, it is OK if it changes. My plan was to take 6 weeks off for maternity leave, no more. 6 weeks came and went very quickly, and I was not yet ready to leave him. I did it anyway, because I was afraid to disappoint my work. I cried every morning when I had to wake up at 4:30 to pump and get ready for work. I think I had un-diagnosed PPD. I am very career focused, and never imagined in a million years I would want to be a SAHM. Now, I desperately want to be home with my kids. I has taken me 16 months to realize it is OK that I have changed my mind. DH and I are currently trying to work out a plan so I won't have to go back to work after this LO arrives. 

Sorry this is long! I hope it helps someone. 

BecNJake

My advice would be listen to peoples advice but don't feel like you have to take it! I had so many people tell me "you need this product" or "the key to make baby stop crying is..." moms love to give each other advice and share our experiences- but you gotta do you! Sometimes I offend people by not doing things their way ( stop offering my toddler candy- even on holidays it's a no, for example). Find what works for you and don't apologize that it works for you. I didn't let my babies cry it out. A lot of people swear by it, it just isn't my style and we never got to the point I needed to. I have a lot of friends who would go crazy if they didn't throw headphones on and ignore the baby every once in awhile. Just do what works for you! We all thrive differently. 

Caressa1

1. If someone offers help, TAKE IT. My MIL was here everyday for a week helping when DD was born. She did my dishes, let me and SO nap together (I promise you need that time together & you'll be so busy you won't even realize it), and reminded me to eat 3x a day. I couldn't have done it without her.
2. If you're breastfeeding, don't quit on a bad day. I wanted to quit everyday the first 2 weeks but it gets easier and the benefits of pushing through are so rewarding ❤
3. When your baby wakes up for the 100th time in one night and you're exhausted and frustrated, remember that they just need comfort and reassurance. The real world is scary compared to the womb and you're all they have ever known before now. Hold them, nurse them, cuddle them, you'll miss this time when they're older.

belocin

Research all birth possibilities. You typically hear stories of mom's hoping for a med-free birth but ending up with an epidural or a C-section. I learned from personal experience that it can go the other way. Leading up to DD's birth, I would joke that my only birth plan was an epidural. However, my water broke at home and by the time we got to the hospital just under an hour later, I was at a 9 and it was time to push. There was no time for an epi even though I begged for it because 1. Natural labor hurt like hell and 2. I didn't think I could handle birth without it.

I did, in fact, survive but was shaken by my experience for weeks after. I had asked so many questions of mom's who had been there about their experiences getting the epidural or the c-section. It had never occurred to me to ask questions about a med-free birth because, in my mind, it wasn't an option. Find birth stories on TB or ask people in your life who have had different birth experiences. That information may help to alleviate some nerves if baby's birth goes differently than you had hoped!

Taylor72

@twistsandturnsto2 how soon before birth did you start taking the Colace? I obviously don't want to have a gross incident happen during delivery if I can avoid it, but after reading all these, I'm slightly nervous for the after labor poop now and would rather have a delivery incident than an suppository every 6 hours like @snarkasaurusRex said

twistsandturnsto2

@Taylor72 I honestly don't remember, but know I took it regularly throughout my first pregnancy. I was scheduled to go in to be induced, so I'm sure I just took some the day or 2 before. (I ended up going into labor on my own the night before induction).  I had previous surgeries and egg retreivals for IVF and knew the pain meds always backed me up and I wasn't taking taking any chances. 

Even if you just make sure to pack some in your hospital bag and take it with the meds they give you PP, it will help!

ashleym112

I 100% agree with the granny panties for after delivery. I had a C-section, so it was nice that it never irritated the incision. They weren't attractive, but they saved my underwear from being ruined lol. 

--I didn't know how hard and emotional breastfeeding would be. I knew that some women couldn't or struggled in the beginning, but to say that I was devastated when we finally decided I just wasn't producing enough with DS is an understatement. Plus with the hormone crash, it made it that much harder. I gave him what I could though and I feel happy about that. I learned a lot though and what I needed for support, so I'm going to try again this time. But also, feeding baby is best no matter what you decide and don't let people get in your head about whichever way you choose to feed yours. You know what works for you and your LO.

--having people come over to help clean is important. My mom would come over to see DS and immediately would wash the dishes and do some light cleaning. She would always tell me to go to bed, but honestly I craved being around an adult (DH was back at work at this point, he barely got a week off to be with us), which I think was very important too. 

--I agree that if you're someone who likes their space, don't have people stay over. Have them stop by here and there, and if they're out of town have them stay in a hotel. It's hard to figure out things with people there 24/7, at least this is how i felt. My dad refused to stay in a hotel (we rented from my grandma, and this was his arrangement with her when he was in town), and it was miserable for everyone. My inlaws, thankfully, would stay at a hotel when they visited. Setting boundaries early is definitely important. I know feelings may change when you have the baby, but don't be afraid to say I need some space and don't feel comfortable with someone spending the night for whatever length of time--or vice versa. The first few days/weeks are so precious and go by so fast, spend it how you want to with your baby. 


--meal prep/frozen meals for when baby arrives. I did a terrible job of taking care of myself when DS was born bc I was so focused on him and so tired I would just grab the first thing I saw and then go sleep. I seriously under estimated how valuable doing this could be. This time around, even though DH's new job has better and more set hours, I will FOR SURE be planning crockpot/frozen meals

MWoodside

My advice is to not put yourself on the back burner. It's hard to put this in action with a baby. It's easy to put yourself last. Don't let it happen. This can easily least to resentment, marital discord, depression, etc. Ask for help, have you time, let dad find his way with baby (he will, even if it's a different way than you have, that's ok and good!)

also, for mamas that want to BF. Don't give up! It doesn't feel natural or easy for many or most people at first. It can be really HARD. That's normal. Set little goals. 2 wks, then 3, then 6. By 12 it will feel easy (or sooner). It's worth it. 

More advice, trust your mama gut. Know when to tune out advice that isn't working for you, your baby, your family.