2nd, 3rd, zillionth time moms, help a FTM out!

super_sam03

I'm popping my "New Discussion" cherry with something I hope will help all my fellow FTMs.  

Total advice solicitation - All you 2nd, 3rd, etc. time moms, what do you wish you knew before having your first child? What words of wisdom can you bestow upon us fragile noobs?

Bonus: If you have twins, give me the skinny!!! 



ETA - Apologies if this thread already exists -  redirects are also welcome!

Ekzerr

One thing I wished I thought of was
to be more prepare for gas pains for baby. I tried everything I could think of (and of course every baby is comforted in different ways) and nothing worked so I made a middle of the night run to the drugstore to get something for relief for her. The pharmacist recommended Ovol which worked wonders and I plan to have some on hand before this baby comes to avoid another situation like that one 

shaunessa

I would say not to be afraid to take time for yourself.  If a girlfriend asks you out for a cup of joe or a movie...take it!  Ask DH to help or another family member.  I was soooo afraid to leave my little one behind.  Keep your phone on, close by and know that everything will be okay.  

twistsandturnsto2

- the hormone crash around 3 days post delivery

- to ask for help sooner regarding BF, PPD, or even just help so I can have a hot shower. 

-know that everyone has been there and we all are a hot mess. Each baby is different and the both of you have to learn what works for YOU

HGRich

Question for STMs: if you have a great relationship with your mom and your mil, and they live hours from you and you have a guest room--is it worth it to have one of them stay for a few days or would they just get in the way of time alone with baby and DH? I can't decide if I want to be alone with my new family and savor it or have my mom come stay (or MIL depending on mom's work schedule) and help me survive by living in my house and cleaning and cooking? 

KirstinH88

@HGRich I think it depends on the boundaries that you would have to set. Obviously, they will want to cuddle/snuggle with baby too. But definitely help cleaning/cooking during those first few weeks would help a ton! If your mom or MIL would be ok with being your personal maid/chef/butler, then I would definitely ask for the help. With that said, if you decide not to have someone stay with you, don't get yourself overworked and overwhelmed with the household chores. They really aren't all that important. 

blessedinmt

I hope I haven't offended my in-laws by asking them to fly out (PA to MT) after my maternity leave to help prolong daycare for a while longer.  I'm sure they'd like to be here for the birth and first couple of weeks,  but TBH that sounds more stressful than helpful to me. 

Ekzerr

@Hgrich for the first couple of months my parents would come over one day and my mil the next so we had company over every day. It was so nice to have them over even if just for a bit to give us a short break to shower or just rest and they always offered to bring meals or wash the dishes so I'm hoping they'll be up for the same type of thing again this time! 

Beckyf321

HGRich said:

Question for STMs: if you have a great relationship with your mom and your mil, and they live hours from you and you have a guest room--is it worth it to have one of them stay for a few days or would they just get in the way of time alone with baby and DH? I can't decide if I want to be alone with my new family and savor it or have my mom come stay (or MIL depending on mom's work schedule) and help me survive by living in my house and cleaning and cooking? 

My mom lives in Baton Rouge and my in laws live in Jackson, MS, but we live in RI so our time together is always limited.  My mom will come out for a week or two in May then my in-laws will come out sometime during the summer.  It's a huge help to me when they come out.  They will cook, clean, and help take care of the older ones so I can just focus on the baby.  So for me, it's really nice and I can't wait!

Honestly, though, you probably won't know what you want  until baby arrives.  There is truly no way to gauge what your mindset will be like post partum.

HGRich

Thank you ladies! All good points. I think with the way my MIL shows affection, being my personal maid for a few days would bring her the deepest joy. Hahaha. But @beckyf321 that's also a good point about mindset--based on history I anticipate PPD. But maybe not. I don't know. 

Beckyf321

To answer the original post, I wish I'd known more about cloth diapers and different methods of baby wearing.  Gas drops are a must.  Baby sleeper sacks are the greatest thing ever for middle-of-the-night feedings and diaper changes.  Let the nurses do everything when you're in the hospital (you don't realize what a treat that is, lol).

Koukonei

-have a good IBCLC on speed dial before baby is born

-about 4 days postpartum your hormones crash and you will probably be a bawling mess

-babywearing will save your damn sanity and life. Get a good ergonomic carrier (you can find them used for an awesome deal)

-stock up on not just baby things, but personal hygiene items, snacks, and household essentials

-make padsicles. Seriously lol

marshmallowmadness

shaunessa said:

I would say not to be afraid to take time for yourself.  If a girlfriend asks you out for a cup of joe or a movie...take it!  Ask DH to help or another family member.  I was soooo afraid to leave my little one behind.  Keep your phone on, close by and know that everything will be okay.  

4th time mom here.  I literally did this ^ for the first 4 years.  Yes, YEARS.  Now I'm like- "see ya never, kiddos!"  Jk (but really..)

cafedisco

I love what @Beckyf321 said...you just don't know your mindset until baby is here. I know I've written about it before on this board, sorry to be redundant.  I thought I'd be a social butterfly and want to share my joy of a new baby with everyone. Instead, I turned into a brooding mama bear and I really wanted to be left entirely alone.  Any moment with my baby out of my arms brought on anxiety.  When it comes to out of town guests, I say ask them to be flexible if they are driving and tell them you'll let them know when you're ready for them.  That way, you are covered either way if you want people or if you want space. 

Other things I wished I'd known or that helped me a lot:
- have a really good lactation consultant's number on hand in case. Ask around and find someone who will come to your home.  

- adding to the above, if you are having any BFing troubles, I would go straight to an IBCLC.  We used a few regular lactation consultants and ended up paying more this way because the only way we truly got the help we needed was with an IBCLC.  LCs may be perfectly fine but there will be more variance in knowledge and skill level.

- after birth, my MW gave me a tour of the placenta.  At the end she said to remember that you have a wound that size in your body that you need to heal.  It was a profound visual for me.  Remember that in the US, we give far less time for mamas to recover physically than most countries. Take your time. Go easy on yourself. Don't feel like you have to be up and moving a lot.  Post partum recovery was harder than pregnancy for me.  I expected to feel fine since I delivered naturally...no one warned me otherwise. 

- in the third tri, talk to your SO about PPD.  If your OB gives you a handout or brochure, give it to SO.  Tell them very clearly that if they see signs of PPD in you, you will absolutely need their help in getting help.  My DH is mega optimistic and, at the time, ignorant of what to look for with PPD....which lead to a year and a half of me not getting help.  Of course it's not his fault entirely, but this time you better believe he will have a clear list of instructions ahead of time....

- know what safe co-sleeping practices are, even if you don't intend to do it.  You probably will at some point and want to make sure you are safe.

- check the video for the Happiest Baby on the Block out of your local library. It really helped give us something tangible to do in the MOTN with a screaming baby, especially DH. (DVD is better than the book in this case).

- If money is tight, I'd budget a little extra now for the first 6 weeks for "exhaustion survival."  Things like cooking may get harder or just "crap, I need a new nursing bra!" or "this baby hates the 37 kinds of diapers we have" sort of creep up on you.  Or just "man, I put on pants today, that deserves a latte! Also, caffeine!"  

- Dawn works really well for crazy post partum oily hair.  The weirdest side effect that, again, no one warned me about.  

- I wish someone would have taken pics of me with my daughter in the first few months.  I do most of the photos in our family and if DH did snap pics, I wanted out of them because I knew I looked like crap.  But, being far removed, in the 2 or 3 pictures I do have of those times, I look gorgeous.  Tired and slightly unwashed, but amazing.  Better to have a pic with baggy eyes than no pic at all. 

- Men's boxer-briefs are really amazing at holding the giant-ass pads you'll be rocking for a while.

- Rather than watch them now, save up a few netflix or amazon prime shows you want to binge watch.  We watched all of Parks and Rec while nursing DD....to this day, I hear the theme song and think of latching her. 


This feels like a really rando list.  Oops!  I can't believe I'll be doing all this again...!

HGRich

@cafedisco these are great. All of this stuff is super helpful. @super_sam03 thanks for starting this. 

I dont mean to hijack the thread but I have another question--DH's family goes on a big vacation each year with grandma and the cousins (incidentally the one we conceived this little one on haha) and they want us to come again next year and bring baby girl. She'll be three months old. It would involve flying, staying in a large condo with the rest of the family (do they really want a newborn who wakes every two hours in the next room? Do they know what they're asking?) and carrying her around Arizona in July. Pros: she'll get to spend time with family she won't see much otherwise and they'll babysit on our anniversary so we can get away. Cons: I have no idea what it would be like to travel with a three month old and if I want to expose her to germs before she's had all her shots and whether it would even be restful to have a newborn schedule and be breastfeeding during all of this. Am I being overly cautious and need to toughen up, or is it reasonable to be concerned about traveling with my first so young? 

cafedisco

@HGRich as far as travel goes, flying with a newborn is easier than a crawler or toddler, hands down. You can nurse them to sleep on the plane, they don't quite have a set schedule yet (or, mine didn't!) so you can adjust naps more easily and they don't really need that much except diapers and clothes, both of which can always be found at a local Target in a worse case scenario. 

The part that was a flag for me was staying in a condo with all those people.  That could be hard.  But if you have your own room/bathroom, it could work out.  I think it just depends on your comfort level with everyone. Do any of your cousins have kids?  Will they be understanding?

Where in AZ?!  I'm here in Phoenix!

HGRich

@cafedisco good point. It may be easier that way than the next year. No--first grandbaby. The cousins are all college or high school aged. So I suspect it could be problematic. But last year they gave us our own area with our own bathroom so if they do the same it could work out. It looks like it has five bathrooms which may mean there are some suites. I guess if they really want me to come they're signing up for some possible discomfort. As long as they all bring ear plugs I guess. 

Sedona, looks like. With a day trip to the Grand Canyon. 

KirstinH88

@HGRich I say go for it! By no means will you be an expert, or have a set schedule, but I think by 3 months, life with a newborn *starts* to get easier. It may not be as tough as you are envisioning. 

Also, I know this isn't exactly the same thing as going on an airplane to another state, but I was MOH at my sister's wedding when DS was 6 DAYS old. He was passed around and snuggled and loved on. It is such a great memory for me to look back on and I definitely would be sad to not have that experience with my sister and our family.

pinkshades05

@HGRich The only downside to the trip to AZ may be keeping baby cool while doing outdoor activities. Also, depending on how active you are, you may want to keep your expectations low and opt out of activities if needed. My first baby was so fussy--I ended up wanting to stay home more often than deal with her screaming in public. But you'll never know baby gets here!

lovelongdog06

I wish I'd known how all consuming caring for a newborn can be. I always just assumed I'd pack baby along for the ride and life would be more or less the same with less sleep and more care. I didn't expect every moment, waking or not, to be affected.

I wish I'd done more thinking and research about our pediatrician and what I wanted from that relationship. Our first one was really rude to us and we had so much added anxiety from feeding issues that were already making us anxious.

I wish I'd tried chiropractic care for my baby's feeding issues and sought a different lactation consultant. I'm spite of being well recommended, ours lacked good communication which I think ultimately led to failure.

Totally agree with Cafedisco about safe bed sharing research. I swore I wouldn't do it, wasn't even sure he'd be in our room, but revert back to my "newborns are all consuming" revelation and he did indeed join us in bed. I wanted him there, needed him there. I'd spend almost the first two weeks of his life carefully holding him avoiding yanking on tubes and wires and playing bouncer to every hospital worker that wanted to do something with or to him. I needed my baby close, and I desperately needed sleep. He slept in our bed, so we were able to also.

I wish I'd asked my husband to take some pictures of me during labor. I know I looked like heck, but although the birth did not go as planned, I wish I had some documentation for myself of what I was able to accomplish before we transferred to the hospital and I got cut open.

I wish I'd written a birth plan, and a plan for baby post birth. I didn't think I needed one since my home birth would have encompassed everything I wanted and nothing I didn't, but situations change so fast. I plan to write one for home, hospital, c section, and in case of NICU. One of the hardest things I still deal with about my hospital experience is that I had to let my baby go get the routine tests without me. They wouldn't let us behind the glass, and I wish I'd known to stick up for myself and just said NO. I cried while he cried and I couldn't comfort him.

I wish I'd asked for visitors. I've read so much about how to keep people out I thought that's what I'd want, but it would have been much happier and soothing to have some friendly faces come see us in between the barrage of hospital people wanting everything from insurance information to peddling photography to a phlebotomist demanding my blood.

Whew...sorry for the novel, and yes, I may still have some birth trauma to work through.

smallanimal

@HGrich  I will be travelling with a one month baby - only a 3 hour flight, but still.  For a wedding.  I got told that it's easy with the very young ones, as @cafedisco said above, so go for it! 

catem07

I'm planning on traveling with baby when she's ten weeks old to go to a wedding across the country. 

HappyAnjel

I wish I knew how different my birth was going to be compared to my vision.  I went in thinking it was going to be an easy standard birth and in a few hours it would be basically a memory with some discomfort and would want to show her off to the world right away. Instead- I was in labor days, pushed for hours and ended up with an emergency c-section. I was exhausted and wanted everyone to just leave me the eff alone. Don't get too attached to a specific birth plan- be prepared plans could change.

I wish I knew how hard it was to get my bowels moving again. I didn't poop for nearly a week. It was hell.

Beckyf321

I also wish I had done maternity and newborn photos with my first two.  I was so depressed during my first pregnancy that I have very few photos, but made sure to take lots of full length mirror selfies during my second.  I found a photographer here looking to broaden her scope, so she's actually photographing the birth for like $200 (which is cheap, considering I live in New England, it's usually $600-900).  Like a previous poster said, it's a powerful moment in life and given that this is our last baby, I want pictures of it.  I'm going to do family/maternity photos for my birthday in March and then will do a newborn shoot after Baby J is born.  It's going to take some budgeting since only part of my maternity leave is paid, but it will be worth every penny!

chelle087

@HGRich we went on a family vacation with DS when he was a little older, but still a baby (about 7 months).  We stayed in a condo with our family and DH and I did not enjoy it.  It ended up being really stressful because DS was a good sleeper, but was distracted easily by light and noise.  We also felt the need to take him out of the condo when he woke up super early in the morning to give everyone else an opportunity to sleep.  We felt that it was way more work than being at home and not really worth it.  

We don't plan on doing anything like this again, but part of it is probably our own preference....we never really did the large family vacation thing and prefer to travel as a couple, or now as a family with just the three (soon to be 4) of us.  We have had lots of success traveling as a family, it's just a red flag for me when a large family is staying in the same space.  

SnarkasaurusRex

@HGRich I agree with PPs...flying with a newborn is wayyy easier than when they're older. I flew with DS on a 6 hour flight when he was 5 months, and it was a breeze. I would suggest springing for the extra seat and bringing the carseat on board though...not only for baby's safety but to give yourself a break from holding baby if you need it (we did both...DH and I both flew out and did the lap child thing and passed him back and forth, which was uncomfortable, but fine, and then I flew back by myself with DS and had him in his own seat...I still help him most of the flight but it made it easier to get him bottles/toys/etc. since I was able to put him down).

My advice to FTMs...
- Try to get in to do a pediatrician's office visit before you give birth to see how you like the doctors. Most of the practices in our area do an 'open house' type thing once a month or so where you can come in, meet the doctors, see the facilities, etc. It helped us pick a GREAT practice that we have had 0 issues with.

- Make your birth plan, but be flexible. My birth plan was an unmedicated vaginal hospital birth. I wound up with an emergency c-section after an epidural/pain meds. I had a lot of birth trauma associated with it, and the fact that I had been so unyielding in my head about my birth plan was a major contributor to me PPD. Keep the end goal in mind - that a baby will exit your body and be placed in your arms - and don't get super caught up in all of the details.

- Talk to your doctor about signs of PPD. Make sure that your H or another family member is there or is informed on what to look for. I knew that I had PPD, but I was stubborn and wanted to take care of it myself, so I didn't reach out for help. Thankfully, DH knew what to look for and talked some sense into my ridiculous self.

- The hormone crash is real. My hormone crash also came on the day that DS had to be hospitalized for dehydration/malnutrition because we figured out that my boobs weren't working, so that was a double whammy. But, the hormone crash is real and normal and you will get through it. Ask for help if you need it.

- Try breastfeeding and set yourself up for success. Even if you're on the fence as to whether or not you want to breastfeed, give it a shot. If you do a hospital birth, most hospitals have an IBCLC on staff (again, might just be my area) - ask to meet with them before you leave. Mine checked my latch and showed me a lot of tips and tricks for nursing and pumping. If you don't know how your pump works, bring it with you to the hospital and the IBCLC will show you how to use it (I learned that I needed smaller flanges, for example, and she gave me them on the spot). Get references of IBCLCs outside of the hospital. A big perk to the pediatrician that we chose was that they had two IBCLCs on staff and they were able to get me in right away when we started having issues.

- Buy the granny panties. Seriously. They're so comfy and will hold that monster maxi pad in place. Also, padsicles. YES.

- Pooping after birth is the worst. But, you will survive it!

-Be gracious to yourself and your body. Even if your birth does not go as planned, your body has done an amazing thing. Give it - and yourself! - time to heal and recover. Enjoy those first few weeks with your baby.

I know there's more, but my brain is fried this morning. I'll add on if I think of more stuff!

mallyandryan

 Set routines from the get go with DH. A friend of mine has her husband always do the kids' baths.   I feel like I got in the habit of doing most of those type of things, so now when I asked my husband to do it, it almost seems like extra work to him which it shouldn't.    My husband and I don't have any family around,  so we are rarely without our son unless we are at work. We both try to get out at least once during the weekend alone. I have my Sunday morning Starbucks and target and he keeps our son. Then he gets out and hunt or fishes one day.   My sister says that's one thing she wishes she had started from the get-go.

cafedisco

@lovelongdog06 so much of what you wrote resonated with me.  Do you have a good ped now?  We've never found one in the valley we like and have tried a few (we go to Phoenix Children's now and it's fine, but just that).

I want to gather all you STMs and do a birth story circle.  This thread is giving me lots of feels this morning.  

super_sam03

Wow! I want to thank everyone on behalf of all us FTMs for your detailed accounts of lessons learned and things to look forward to.  I'm trying to be as diligent as possible planning everything, but plans do change! 

super_sam03

Also, thanks @HGRich about the stay-over guest question!  I was thinking the same thing.  My parents only live a half hour away and probably won't stay, they are too polite and don't ever want to overstay their welcome.  My in-laws though, they live almost 4 hours away and have both recently retired.  They have offered to come a few days a week to help out.  While I am super appreciative, I am not a fan of house guests for too long.  They tend to make themselves very much at home and I have to clean up after them.  I also worry about that time my husband and I want to be alone with our babies - that the in-laws will be there too.  They've offered and I have said "I really appreciate it - but let's get through the next several months without a hitch and we'll talk later."  I don't want to commit to something that I'll regret.  My husband and I are pretty private so sharing my tiny little house and all of our wonderful quirks may stress me out.  

It's like they think we are having kids for them... so that they can be grandparents.  But I want to scream "MINE!" Does that sound totally b!tchy?  

HGRich

@chelle087 that's what I'm worried about too--with all the people around and not actually getting to rest and enjoy time with DH and baby. But this last year they did leave us alone a lot, and I think they would do the same. So I might try and then decide for the future if we think we can do that again with a toddler and maybe even more littles in the future. DH's grandma pays for it all, since she's trying to use up her money on family time before she goes, so we can't complain about the cost of a non restful vacation at least. It's really nice of her and it IS her first great grandbaby she'd get to spend time with. But thank you--all good points. 

@super_sam03 no! You're the one carrying twins! I feel like you have the right to be as territorial about your babies as you want. 

SnarkasaurusRex

Re: In-laws/house guests...

My parents and my MIL live pretty close to us (under an hour away), so they both offered to come and help out when we wanted them to. My mom was at our house when we came home from the hospital and was making dinner (SOOOO helpful), but she left probably a half hour after we got home. Other close relatives and friends were invited to visit on the stipulation that they bring us food. (To be fair, most people asked if we needed them to bring anything, and we always asked for food, haha).

My FIL lives in Colorado and flew out once DS was 6-7 weeks old. They stayed at a hotel down the street, which we really appreciated because it kept them close if we needed them, but gave us the privacy that we wanted. We actually told them that they could stay at our house, but they were really adamant on giving us our space.

So, we didn't have anyone actually stay as a house guest, we found that most people were 100% okay with giving us our space and that, when people visited, they weren't expecting us to entertain them. I would assume that someone staying as a house guest to help out once the baby is born would understand that it carries other responsibilities (helping cook, clean, etc.) and wouldn't expect you to entertain while adjusting to life with a newborn.

bww_0331

This thread is amazing. And now the organized/try to be prepared for everything part of me wants to make a list of things to buy for post partum life. Like the granny parties, witch hazel, big sports bras to get through the first days, gas drops for baby, etc. I never would have thought about having that on hand. 

KirstinH88

Can I second the poop afterwards?  For me, it was worse than birth. I'm definitely stocking up stool softeners this time.

schef070911

Loving all the mama wisdom in this thread this morning!! You ladies are awesome.

I'm honestly not sure what I'll do yet about my parents/inlaws coming after the baby is born.  We live 7.5 hours away from both (they live about 30 minutes apart from each other). Our situation is weird because 1) we don't have a guest bedroom in our apartment, just a queen air mattress which we put in the office (so when ILs come to visit one sleeps on our couch and one sleeps in the office - they have a king bed at home), and 2)we're moving much closer to everybody 2-3 months after Nugget is born.

I'm not overly worried about either set of parents coming, holding the baby and refusing to help with any housework (although my ILs bring SO MUCH STUFF with them when they come to visit and their stuff is everywhere and after a few days it drives me nuts. I'll just ask DH to ask them to contain the crap!)  I also know we're gonna need them about 8 weeks out when I plan on going back to work and DH is job-hunting and may have to leave suddenly for interviews (otherwise he will be able to stay with her).  Both sets of parents have volunteered to come and "rotate" through during this time, for which I am immensely grateful.  I just need to buckle down and have the hard conversations, but it's hard because as @beckyf321 said I have no idea what I'll really want once Nugget is here.   

Edited: typos

SnarkasaurusRex

KirstinH88 said:

Can I second the poop afterwards?  For me, it was worse than birth. I'm definitely stocking up stool softeners this time.

Oh, I was also not prepared for a nurse to come and stick a laxative suppository up my butt every 6 hours until I farted or pooped post c-section. So embarrassing because I was not expecting that to happen. So be prepared! If you have a c-section they won't let you leave the hospital until you fart!!

twistsandturnsto2

Colace is definitely your friend! I started taking it before birth and continued after until I was off the pain meds. DO It!

KirstinH88

@SnarkasaurusRex I didn't even know that was a thing for C section moms!!! Sounds awful!

shaunessa

super_sam03 said:

Also, thanks @HGRich about the stay-over guest question!  I was thinking the same thing.  My parents only live a half hour away and probably won't stay, they are too polite and don't ever want to overstay their welcome.  My in-laws though, they live almost 4 hours away and have both recently retired.  They have offered to come a few days a week to help out.  While I am super appreciative, I am not a fan of house guests for too long.  They tend to make themselves very much at home and I have to clean up after them.  I also worry about that time my husband and I want to be alone with our babies - that the in-laws will be there too.  They've offered and I have said "I really appreciate it - but let's get through the next several months without a hitch and we'll talk later."  I don't want to commit to something that I'll regret.  My husband and I are pretty private so sharing my tiny little house and all of our wonderful quirks may stress me out.  

It's like they think we are having kids for them... so that they can be grandparents.  But I want to scream "MINE!" Does that sound totally b!tchy?  

Not at all!  I was like this the first 2 weeks.  Seriously, I was like Gollum from Lord of the Rings!  When my mom or MIL would visit and they'd say "I can give him his bottle" I'd say "no, thats okay, I got it".  Or "want me to change his diaper?"  I'd say "no thanks, I'll do it"  I was very possessive!!!  After my c-section in the hospital (it was done in the evening) we told our parents to come by the next day.  I didn't want anyone intruding right away.  I wanted to have my own little family time with just the 3 of us.  My mom was pretty upset b/c she wanted to be there, but she got over it.  

KirstinH88

@super_sam03 To respond to your "MINE!" comment. This is the biggest reason why I wanted to breastfeed DS. Ya, its best....whatever, but I wanted to be the only person who could feed him. I was selfish and I deserved to be! I spent the last 9 months growing and nurturing this child. And we all know by now that its not always a easy 9 months. So yes, I was selfish. Did I care? Not one damn bit. He was MY baby. I still tell DH that he is my son, not his (obviously, this is meant jokingly). 

super_sam03

@KirstinH88 EXACTLY!  That's a big reason why I want to BF, too.  And I totally hear your joke, I call my husband the sperm donor.  One time he came home from work complaining "Ugh, I'm just so exhausted" so I said "Oh ya? Are you growing 4 eyes?  4 legs? No? Shut your beautiful face."