Unsolicited advice- December

nwshay

I thought this might be a fun thread to start!

What is the best and worst unsolicited advice and questions you have received, when people have found out you're pregnant?

Annsor

Not sure if this counts, but I hate when people ask if I know how babies are made, then proceed to giggle like an idiot. I'm not 12. I don't find that question funny or cute. I also hate when people ask "were you trying" I find it so intrusive! 

KirstinH88

Forewarning, my family is VERY open. We are on child #4. At thanksgiving my gpa asked if I knew what caused pregnancy. I told him "sure do! And with DH, I'm sure there will be more kids!" Then my gpa was talking about the deer hunting trip he just returned from and was talking about "rooting" season. I told him every season is rooting season at my house. Hahaha we all had a good laugh.

i haven't received much advice, but I do get a lot of questions about whether or not this will be our last one. Apparently having 4 or more kids is just unheard of nowadays....

Lovable Bump

Annsor said:

Not sure if this counts, but I hate when people ask if I know how babies are made, then proceed to giggle like an idiot. I'm not 12. I don't find that question funny or cute. I also hate when people ask "were you trying" I find it so intrusive! 

YES!!  I hate when people ask if we were trying/if the baby was planned.  So incredibly invasive & makes me cringe.  I would never ask someone that!

nwshay

Immediately I get the- "is this your first?" (Which is fine), "when are you due" (again, fine), "what are you having?" This is one is annoying, due to the fact that baby wasn't cooperating at the u/s, then they proceed to tell me why I should or shouldn't be finding out. "What names do you have picked out?".. then discussion of what their favorite is and how I should spell said name...

Last night I was at an ugly Xmas sweater party and my mom's friend was drunk and talked to me for a good hour about birth and what her advice was. She asked who I wanted in the room and if I'm thinking natural or not.. ugh. I don't know!  This is all brand new!!

bww_0331

I was at the bank trying to get a car loan and the woman helping me tried to name my baby. Like, she spent a solid 20 minutes throwing out names she liked, didn't like, and pulling up name lists on the internet. Hey stranger, I don't need your help naming my kid. And I told you that...many times 

rachelgreene-2

I just announced to my co-workers last week and I got allll the questions. I find that if I go into grave detail about tracking my cycles and temping that anyone who asks if it was planned immediately regrets it. I hate to say it but a lot of the women in my office ask only because they are nosey not because they actually care. One co-worker who is especially nosey happily announced to everyone that she knew I was pregnant which my response was "so you knew I had sex?!?!" that shut her up pretty quickly. Then came the rapid fire questions of sex and names, all of which I am able to shoot down do to being team green.

Surprisingly, both our families have not been as invasive at all and very respectful. The only thing my mom has asked me is if I have any cravings.

No advice yet but there is plenty of time for that.

HGRich

I think it's helped that my coworkers know about my loss earlier this year, because they've been really cautious asking things about this pregnancy which I appreciate. But naming advice and labor and whether I should go natural or medicated, etc. I'm sure as I start showing more I'll get a lot more unwanted advice. I have had one older male relative touch my belly and I wanted to smack him. 

HappyAnjel

I keep getting advice on if I should have a repeat csection or if I should try for vaginal this time.. everyone knows someone who " had the worst labor ever bc she tried vaginal after csection" or I get "don't have a csection it's not natural" or " just schedule the csection best decision you'll make" or my favorite "you'll just end up in the same position as you did with your first and need an emergency c section. Why go through that again?" ( The last came from a dr, thankfully not mine)

nwshay

@HappyAnjel people have no boundaries! It's crazy

HappyAnjel

@SDSwenson It is crazy! I don't know why people even think to ask how I'm having the baby (and I wish I was the type to tell people it's rude!) Like how is it your business what hole in my body my baby comes out of?

@Annsor and @Lovable Bump  it makes me cringe when people asks if we planned baby too.

SnarkasaurusRex

Oh, FTMs, I wish I could tell you that it'll stop, but it never does.

When I was pregnant with DS, one of my male coworkers cornered me after school one day and went into GREAT DETAIL about how I should research the Bradley method and how it would just be absolutely the best decision I'd ever make...for an hour. I smiled and nodded a lot. But, in my head, I was thinking


Then when I was having trouble breastfeeding EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER (including mine) had an opinion. "You're selfish for not letting anyone else feed the baby," "Formula never hurt anyone," "I just don't understand why you don't quit," on one end and "You seriously need to find a way to make it work because breast is best for your baby," "Supply issues are a myth; you're just not trying very hard," "You really should quit your job and stay home if it's interfering with breastfeeding," on the other. It was awful, because I very, very, very badly wanted to EBF for a year, but my supply just never came in (I'm part of the 0.3% or whatever tiny statistic it is). I spent 4 months nursing/bottle/pumping every 2-3 hours round the clock and I never got more than drops. And I had PPD on top of that. It eventually got to the point where DH basically yelled at anyone who attempted to say the words "breast" or "feeding" around me.

This time around I'm already getting lots of unsolicited advice. I've got people advising me to just do the RCS (I had an emergency c-section with DS) and not stress about it, to challenge the hospital policy so that I can have a better chance for a VBAC (hospital policy won't let me go over 40 weeks because the births are within 24 months of each other, and I don't really want a uterine rupture, so no thanks). I've gotten both sides of the breastfeeding discussion as well, which makes me want to punch people in the face. I'mma do what works best for my family; don't you worry about it, people.

cafedisco

@SnarkasaurusRex I'm so sorry you got crap about breastfeeding...I had supply issues too.  It's such a draining struggle and then for people to act stupid on top of it....

The only bad advice I've gotten so far is rice cereal in the bottle from a coworker but that's easy to brush off. 

I essentially don't talk about where/how I birth, but it does come up every now and then.  At the word "homebirth", inevitably someone needs to explain to me how they and/or their baby would have died if they hadn't been in a hospital.  K, thanks.  How helpful. 

Virginialeigh

@SnarkasaurusRex the breastfeeding comments are the worst! I had planned to breastfeed for a year but the well ran dry at 6 months and I blame it on the pressure I got from around me. My MIL and boss were the worst. My MIL kept reminding me that my SIL never breastfed her kids and they are fine so if she gave DS formula he wouldn't die. And my boss actually scheduled my pumping. God forbid I pumped longer than 15. I had to pump in the bathroom because it was the only room in the building that wasn't floor to ceiling wendows which did not help at all. And when I was confiding in her about how worried I was that my supply was drying up she actually said to me "well good, that means we won't have to worry about this much longer." I wanted to slap her in the face.

Magheeta

Annsor said:

Not sure if this counts, but I hate when people ask if I know how babies are made, then proceed to giggle like an idiot. I'm not 12. I don't find that question funny or cute. I also hate when people ask "were you trying" I find it so intrusive! 

I like to tell them that we're still trying for another. 

visualcircus

Best advice: "You look like you need a break, let me take care of your son, or make freezer meals, clean your kitchen while you get some time to yourself etc."
Worst advice: A lot of those mentioned above but.. unsolicited advice without having any part in daily child raising irks me the most! It's easy to dole out advice when you're not in the day to day.
"You need to walk an hour everyday to get the baby out" 
"I guess you'll have to breastfeed to lose weight" - throatpunches are in order
"We did it this way with you (30 years ago) what's the big deal" 

jennielynn+

Everyone is asking about names. No, I don't have a name. I'm only 20 weeks. My daughter wasn't named until day 3 in the hospital. We just don't know yet. 

MrsBakes

I hate everything that starts with "oh you just wait until...." Like "oh wait until your belly button pops". Well guess what IT DOESN'T FN POP! or when I was told with my DD "you are way too tiny you are totally having a c-section". NOPE And then all the "don't do the bad habit of letting the baby sleep on you, just let them cry it out. 'Have you picked a name? You don't have to tell me what it is, but have you decided on a name?" the list goes on. 

Beckyf321

Those of you having boys, wait until the circumcision questions come into play.  My son is uncirc'd because he had bilateral hydroceles at birth, but if not for that we would have it done.  Someone on FB felt the need to PM me with a lengthy message about why we shouldn't get it done.  Um, did you push this 9 lb baby out of your vagina?  No?  Then your opinion matters never.

People think I'm nuts for having a 3rd when my other 2 are "older" and for being team green.  Meh, to me it's all part of the fun.  On the flip side, it's nice because you don't get much other unsolicited advice being a 3rd time mom.

KirstinH88

@Beckyf321 The circumcision questions are just ridiculous.  And you are right, the more kids you have, the less unsolicited advice you get, but I think the more questions you get about if it was planned or if this is the last one. 

chelle087

It's not really advice, but I am totally over answering the question "how are you feeling?" And I am also sick of people asking about name choices. 

catem07

@chelle087 Agreed. If I have to say, "Fine, mostly just tired" one more time...And I'm sure to get a million of those questions over Christmas...

bww_0331

@chelle087 YES. I am so over that question. Followed by another yes to @MrsBakes when you respond with "good, but tired" and you get the response of "you just wait until the baby is here, then you'll really be tired". 

Yep, I get that. Doesn't mke my current sleepless situation any more pleasant to deal with. Thanks though. 

schef070911

chelle087 said:

It's not really advice, but I am totally over answering the question "how are you feeling?" And I am also sick of people asking about name choices. 

Both of these things so much. I get "How are you feeling?" a lot from friends who don't have kids and I feel like they're not sure what the right questions to ask are, so I try to take it in stride.  It still gets old to answer though!

Beckyf321

@KirstinH88, yeah, I've had that question a lot about whether or not this one was planned.

Taylor72

+1 to the name question and the how are you feeling question. I'm tired of saying "no we aren't hiding her name from anyone, we just haven't decided on one yet" F off. 

Nolegirl1185

I'm so over the opinions...to vaccinate or not, circumcise or not, medicated birth or not, cry it out or not, co-sleep or not, breastfeed or not, rice cereal or not, baby led weaning or not...and the list goes on and on and on!!!

So I get some people think they are being helpful by throwing out their opinions and advice, but seriously...I have done research on EVERYTHING and DH and I will make our own educated decisions.

I love when DH touches, rubs, kisses, talks to my belly (of course) but I find it interesting that I don't mind at all when my first graders rub my belly and talk to it, but lord help you if you an adult and just start rubbing!  Even family...

I can't stand the comments like "You don't know what tired is yet", "You haven't experienced real swelling just wait it gets way worse", "Oh honey, this is the honeymoon phase - enjoy it - you will hate life soon".  Umm...first I have not complained about any of those nor any of my symptoms honestly.  I ask my OB if they are normal and every time he has said yes, then I'm good to go.  It comes with being pregnant and I would NEVER change that for anything.  It is such a blessing.  All the gas, bloating, peeing myself, puking, and more lol!

rachelgreene-2

Nolegirl1185 said:

I love when DH touches, rubs, kisses, talks to my belly (of course) but I find it interesting that I don't mind at all when my first graders rub my belly and talk to it, but lord help you if you an adult and just start rubbing!  Even family...

The only other person I don't seem to mind doing that is my dad. I was over at my parent's and laying on the couch. My dad came over rubbed my belly and gave it a kiss and I laughed cause I thought it was sweet. He's only done that once though and I don't expect him to do it again. Haha. 

Today I had my first unsolicited rub and coo from a coworker and it happened so fast I didn't know how to react to it. I just stood there. 

SnarkasaurusRex

Annsor said:

Not sure if this counts, but I hate when people ask if I know how babies are made, then proceed to giggle like an idiot. I'm not 12. I don't find that question funny or cute. I also hate when people ask "were you trying" I find it so intrusive! 

People ask me that too, and I'm a flipping biology teacher with THREE degrees in various fields of biology. I always just look them dead in the face and say, "No, I must have missed that class. Can you tell me?"

It was especially hurtful when I was pregnant with DS because getting pregnant was a struggle (not that people knew that), so I literally wanted to slap everyone who said something. 

Koukonei

I haven't got much unsolicited advice so far, but people are irritating as hell with their dumbass and invasive questions when they find out I'm having twins. "Are they natural?" "Were you trying for twins?"...like f off lol

HGRich

@Koukonei "were you trying for twins." Hahahaha. 

beemaya83

@snarkasaurusRex I'm part of that 0.3% also!!! And yes, so much unsolicited advise was given to me when it came to breasfeeding. Hughhhh!

Koukonei

@HGRich right?! That one just makes me facepalm and then laugh hysterically.

SnarkasaurusRex

Oyy @beemaya83 do you ever get randomly depressed abut it? Every time I see anything pro-breastfeeding from my friends on Facebook or wherever I get really, stupidly sad and angry at myself. Hoping it's just the hormones (and that my boobs will have their act together this time!).

smallanimal

@SnarkasaurusRex  this is awful about breastfeeding.  Can't people just mind their own business?  I am afraid about it already because I have small breasts and my mum couldn't breastfeed me or my sister.  On the other hand, I grew up on formula and I was perfectly fine.  Husband is being very helpful, he said we will buy a formula machine right away and that he does not care.  But everyone else seems to care!!! So annoying.  None of their business!!!

cafedisco

smallanimal said:

@SnarkasaurusRex  this is awful about breastfeeding.  Can't people just mind their own business?  I am afraid about it already because I have small breasts and my mum couldn't breastfeed me or my sister.  On the other hand, I grew up on formula and I was perfectly fine.  Husband is being very helpful, he said we will buy a formula machine right away and that he does not care.  But everyone else seems to care!!! So annoying.  None of their business!!!

I'm sure you know this, but size does not matter at all. I have giant boobs and had huge supply struggles.  I was later diagnosed with IGT.  A bigger indicator than size is if you experience any breast changes during pregnancy, but even that can be misleading. 

And no matter what you do, breastfeed, formula feed....people have an opinion about it.  I found feeding the baby to be the most emotional part of being a mom for myself and my friends.  Feeding guilt can be tough.  I don't know why other people care so much. 

smallanimal

@cafedisco I must admit I thought there was a correlation between size.
As for changes, for now I have not had much.  My boobs are marginally fuller but not even a cup difference, I can feel it but it is not visible.  So I guess it's a no.  I will try nevertheless but I promise not to beat myself up if it does not work. 

cafedisco

smallanimal said:

@cafedisco I must admit I thought there was a correlation between size.
As for changes, for now I have not had much.  My boobs are marginally fuller but not even a cup difference, I can feel it but it is not visible.  So I guess it's a no.  I will try nevertheless but I promise not to beat myself up if it does not work. 

That can be plenty - truly!  The changes that need to happen are inside - they may not be visible.  But even you feeling a difference or feeling achey or sore at any point shows that there's something going on to prepare. Your body knows what to do!  I really wouldn't worry about breast changes unless you do have a supply issue later and then it's something to bring up to a lactation consultant.

I think it's good to go into it with an open mind though because you just never know what challenges you may or may not face.  Honestly, there is a lot of research about a positive mindset being helpful for milk production. Also, I'm not 100% sure but I don't think your mom not being able to BF has any bearing on whether you will be able to.  I'd have to look that up to be sure, but I'm willing to bet it's true.   

KirstinH88

@smallanimal as far as breast size goes, I can attest that it has no bearing on breastfeeding. I have small boobs (barely a B ) and during pregnancy, they have gotten fuller, but not sure that they have increased to a C. This happened with DS as well and I was able to feed him for 6 weeks until I got gnarly mastitis that could only be relieved with surgery (but that's something entirely different). I'm hoping to breastfeed Samuel for much longer, but am also comforted by the fact that I gave Max what I could, then switched to formula and he is perfect. I have a lot of friend support around me and even several friends who struggled BF-ing their first but have successfully BF their 2nd. Do you have any friends to lean on for support, tips, tricks, etc?

smallanimal

@cafedisco and @KirstinH88  that's reassuring.  I thought there was a correlation.   I will certainly give it my best, I really want to breastfeed.  Not only is it best for baby but it can help with slimming down again too

on a slightly unrelated topic, does anyone else had episodes of labour panic?  I went onto the december board and found this, now I am freaking out  

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12675008/everything-you-didnt-want-to-know-about-pregnancy-birth-and-postpartum-stm-to-ftm-advice

doozenberg

My thing that is irking me is people just rubbing my belly. I knew there were memes about this and had heard about it but I didn't know so many people would do it. My one coworker EVERY time he sees me rubs my belly. 
Im not a very touchy person so it's pretty annoying and I bet it's only going to continue as time goes on.