*TW* Advice Needed

ebloom3

This year has been really hard for my best friend. She had a miscarriage in July, she suddenly lost her mother in August (it was very traumatic...I was with her when her mom suddenly got sick and passed away), and then, yesterday, she found out she miscarried again. I want to do something for her, but I am not really sure what. This is her 3rd miscarriage (she had one a few years ago) and this one seems to be taking the hardest toll her on. Her son's first birthday party is on Saturday and I volunteered to help as much as needed with that. Any ideas would be helpful and appreciated. 

SnarkasaurusRex

I'm so sorry that your friend is going through this. I think the best thing to do is to be there for her...not to offer advice or smother her with condolences or anything like that, but to be there as someone that she can talk to and have you actually listen. I think you're also doing a good thing by offering to help out with her son's birthday party. Also offering to help out around the house (if she's comfortable with that), picking up food, etc. Just to have you there as support would probably mean the world to her.

A friend of mine has had multiple miscarriages, and she confided in me that she really hated when people said things like "It's not your fault," "most miscarriage are chromosomal abnormalities," "it's all in God's plan," etc., because she KNEW all of that, and after multiple miscarriages those words just did not offer her any support whatsoever. She just wanted someone to LISTEN, and not to talk.

HGRich

I agree. ^ 

Being there for her is the best thing you can do. Letting her know you'll listen if she wants to talk. She will decide how much she wants to talk and how much she doesn't. But also remember that she may not want to now, and it might not hurt in a month or two to remind her that you're still there for her, to listen and help. 

Until i lost, I didn't even think about all the things that can happen at once. Grief, denial, physical pain, questioning oneself, hormonal changes of course, that for me led to PPD. Every woman seems to handle it differently, and of course with her third she'll handle it different still. 

Anyway, I'm so sorry she's going through all this. I'm glad she has you to help her out with the practical things and even if she's not ready now, knowing you're there to listen in her pain will be huge for her. Thinking of you both. 

schef070911

Agree with all the PPs - I think the best thing you can do is be there and do exactly what you're doing (offering to help out, making space for her to grieve however she needs to).  I agree with @HGRich too that it'll be good to offer that same assistance later on when many other people offering help have fallen away.  Thinking of you both!

MWoodside

Just say sorry (not other things bc it can go south fast even though you mean well) and tell her you want to help her however she needs. Meals helped me a ton with my first loss. With my second I wasn't as blind sided so I actually wanted to get out of the house and act normal and be with friends. So needs can vary and just let her know you will give her space if she needs it snd help if she needs it. Loss is so hard.