TW--Advice Needed for SIL dealing with MC

Kipperoo

Hi wise bump ladies!
I need some advice. My younger brother called me 2 weeks after we told him we were pregnant to tell me that he and his wife were (unexpectedly) also pregnant with their first child. I was over the moon excited for them because I'm very close to both of them and loved the idea of having a cousin close to this babe's age. She had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago that wasn't looking great (a little behind based on her dates and slow heartbeat) and she went back in today and the baby has not grown at all in 2 weeks (no word on the heartbeat because it sounds like the tech was really short and they are now waiting for a call from a doctor). Basically, the tech told her to brace for a miscarriage. I am at a total loss for what to say or do for them...I feel like my pregnancy is clouding my judgement and making me feel absolutely terrible for being in the position I am (with a growing baby, solid test results, nearly out of the first trimester). What should I do?? Nothing? Something? I live on the other side of the country so it's not like I can pop by the house and console them...UGH...I just feel so BLAH and sad about the whole thing. And I feel like, as the big sister, I should be trying to make them feel better, etc, but it just feels so awkward. 

MTB16

ugh I'm so sorry your Brother and SIL are going through this.  No one knew when we had our loss in July, but it was horrible to go through personally and I wouldn't have wanted a lot of attention to be put on it (that's me though).  The only thing you can do is offer your love and support and let them know you are thinking about them. They will have a lot happening emotionally of course so being available to lend an ear if either of them need it would be hugely supportive and I'm sure appreciated by both of them.  

vrj0522

My 2 cents is to act like you would if you were not pregnant. Send flowers, a card, or just make the phone call that you normally would. Avoid over compensating because you feel guilty about having a healthy pregnancy but also avoid bringing yours up unless you are asked, and even if you are, redirect the focus back to them.

Kipperoo

vrj0522 , I know you are right, it's just SO HARD to act like I would if I wasn't pregnant. It's the obvious (and correct) advice, it just feels so awkward. My brother called to tell me personally and I (in a state of WTF do I say) said "I'm so sorry, everything I say seems so awkward given the current circumstances. Please let me know if there is anything I can do". But, of course, there is nothing I can do. So maybe I don't really need advice, haha...just more to say BOO. I hate that things have gone down this way and I'm really sad and uncomfortable over the whole situation. 

mamatowildones

vrj0522 said:

My 2 cents is to act like you would if you were not pregnant. Send flowers, a card, or just make the phone call that you normally would. Avoid over compensating because you feel guilty about having a healthy pregnancy but also avoid bringing yours up unless you are asked, and even if you are, redirect the focus back to them.

This exactly. 

SKZW

@Kipperoo I hear you on feeling helpless, and I'm sorry you're feeling sadness/guilt/confusion. I'm sorry to hear about their loss, and how it affects you, especially since you were extra excited for the due-date-connection with them. I can tell you that we're here for you, and you be there for them. We'll be your support, and you be theirs, okay? Hang in there. (Related situation, but obviously different: when we had a death in the family, years ago, we called the person on the phone every day, no matter what, for months, even if we had nothing really to talk about, just to be that ear/shoulder for them, and we were told years later that that gesture helped more than we knew at the time, so I'd consider doing that, being that outlet for them: just calling to check in, how are you, how can I help, do you need anything, what can I say, what do you need to hear... maybe being that one person they can rely on consistently right now... might be the help they need. You never know what small gesture might help, especially with living so far away from them and not knowing what to say, what to do, what to send, and not being able to give hugs and support in person. Maybe keeping in close contact will help all of you get through it together.)

tenfour

I'm SO sorry. That's awful. I had a baby 2 weeks after my brother and it's a fun thing to share together. Personally I'd probably not talk about your pregnancy that much, not sure if that would help or if that's possible. I'd just ask your brother how you can help, if theres' anything you can do, etc. I once sent my friend chocolate after a miscarriage and she ended up telling me years later how much that little token meant to her. Sorry.

SparkySunDevil

Maybe send them a meal? When my SIL lost her first, we took meals to them. Obviously, since you can't physically take a meal, maybe order one delivered to them? You can send a card as well? 

cclaineDC

Having been on the loss end of this scenario, the thing I appreciated most was just an sympathetic ear from my pregnant friends and family. They knew better than most the hopes/fears/risks that come along with pregnancy, and they were the only people that didn't say insensitive things about having a mc. So, really, do anything you think would help, even if it's just sending a text saying you're there (if not in person, over the phone, email, text) if they want to talk. Pp's suggestion to send chocolate also sounds like a fabulous idea.

roper2617

I'm so sorry that your SIL is going through this. 
When I was going through my loss having somebody to talk things through with was very helpful. But I truly appreciated the little acts of thoughtfulness. My grandma brought me over some good quality chocolates and a box of tea, it was surprisingly very much appreciated. I also had my employer give us a gift card for dinner out, it was nice not having to think about dinner. And it was nice to know that we were in the hearts of our loved ones. 

Edit to add: My cousin and I were supposed to have our babies 6 weeks apart and when I had my loss I had a really really hard time being around her, I also had the hardest time being around her baby because for me it was just a reminder of what I didn't get to have. If you find there's some extra distance between you guys (aside from the actual physical distance) don't take it personally, chances are she/they could just be processing emotions. 

mcvgal

I agree 100% with @vrj0522. I went through this with my SIL and a year later she went through it with me. I'd also add the just let her vent and listen when she wants to talk about, if she does.

mrsrep123

@Kipperoo there's definitely lots of great advice here... just so you know, I think I'd feel just like you and not know what to do. Luckily, the bump ladies are to the rescue. You guys rock!!!

Jkp7749

I've had two losses and luckily my mom lives close and was very supportive both times. However, I did not want to talk about it at all. You know your SIL so you'll know if she wants to talk, but if not, I LOVED that my mom made us food. I got to do what I needed to do and not worry about taking care of anything. Sending a meal sounds like a great idea. I even love the idea of sending chocolates just so she knows you're thinking about her.  

Kelleyk13

Don't worry all you need to do is be there for your SIL and check in on her and be supportive. I had a MC in July and my SIL and I were due 3 days apart. For me I was still over the moon excited for her of course there are times they will have sadness but, with time they will have happiness again. After the MC when the body recoups they can get pregnanct again. 

Jellybeanqueen13

When I had my miscarriage I did not want to talk about it and I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I only ended up telling a few people about it. I would send a card letting her know you are thinking of her and that you are there for her if she wants to talk about it. I personally wouldn't have wanted anything else done though, especially from someone who was having a successful pregnancy. This was just my experience. Everyone is different, though. 

Kipperoo

Sincerely, THANK YOU for the thoughts and support. I knew I could count on this board for some good advice. I was so hesitant to reach out to her (I spoke to my brother, and was trying to give her some space), but she send me a text that she's still super excited about my pregnancy and doesn't want me to stop talking to her about it. I feel so emotional about the whole thing, which is ridiculous because I know that this isn't "my thing" to be upset about. Pregnancy hormones, man...

schnitz9

I think its great that you are there for your brother and SIL.  When I had my miscarriage the first 3 people I told we my husband, my mom, and my sister.  My sister (who is 7 years younger) really didn't know what to say.  But she simply said I'm sorry and here if you wanna talk.  Honestly that's really all I needed.  My mom whose had 3 stillborn children put it best.  She simply said "life SUCKS!" and oh was she right.  Telling your brother and SIL, I here for you if you wanna talk and I'm sorry was really the best thing you can do.  Don't feel guilty for having a healthy pregnancy.  Someone as close to you as they are will always be happy for you no matter what.  It's not your fault that they lost their baby and you're not rubbing it in their face either.  Before my son was born I had 2 CP and my BF got pregnant at the same time.  While I must admit it was difficult in the beginning, I realized there was no way I wasn't going to be happy for them.  In fact feeling jealous and mad actually made me feel worse.  In a sense being able to talk to her and hear her good new made me feel somewhat better.  Somewhat hopeful I guess. You can also feel sad for them even though it wasn't your loss.  They are family and when family hurts you hurt too.  Whenever my sister gets hurt no matter what it is or what's going on in my life I'm always gonna feel hurt too.  I've always been told that there is no other person in the world you are more physically attached to than a sibling.  When you think about it even you own children are only half you.  A full sibling share 100% of you! Be there for them, don't push it.  When they wanna talk about it they will.  There are time when I sometime talk about my MC since it was so recent.  I'll make comments like "well I'm 9 weeks pregnant, but really should be 13 weeks.  My sis is always the one to snap me back.  You're a good sister to be there for them and feel for them.  Remember that's a good thing, shows how strong family is to you! Good luck to them and I'm so sorry for their loss.

inomniaparatus2

I think it's great you are asking for advise. When I had my mmc also in July I didn't want to talk about. My best friend was 3 weeks ahead of me would call and I said I appreciate the calls but if I don't answer or call back right away don't take it personally and to please keep calling. She sent some edible arrangements which was nice bc I wasn't feeling great and had lost my appetite so that really helped. She has been a great sounding board and when I wanted to talk she listened and was a nice support system. All you can do is make sure they know you are there and when they are ready they will try again and just be patient with them. Everyone and every couple handle loss differently. In the meantime I'm sure they are excited for you but for me it was good she wasn't blasting me with all of her symptoms and milestones at first and only talking about doctors appointments and what else is going on in her life.