Mentally/emotionally coping with m/c. Share experience?

tumbleweed-1

Hi everyone, 
I was briefly a member of the May 2017 board, but I am now here after a diagnosed missed/silent miscarriage. If I can share my m/c experience and vent a little: (skip next two paragraphs if you don't care to read it right now)

This was/is my first pregnancy. I had absolutely no idea that anything was "wrong" until I went in for my first u/s and prenatal appointment at 8+4 weeks. My baby was measuring at 6+2 weeks, no heartbeat. The midwife asked if I'd had cramping, was I sure about my dates, any bleeding, do I skip periods? Answers yes- in the week before/after period was due, yes- I wrote down my LMP- but I don't track ovulation, no bleeding or spotting, no- I've written my period dates for almost 5 years and I have never skipped a cycle. I think the questioning was to reassure me in the case that I might be earlier along than my LMP states. 

They checked my HCG over the next few days and it dropped from 30,004 to 28,894. I was told that a small drop like that was basically inconclusive, and that another u/s will tell us more. I had the follow up u/s 5 days after the first. Fetus same size, still no heart beat. I brought up that I only waited 5 days, and most of what I've read online says to follow up after 7 days. She said there still should have been growth. I was informed about what is "normal" with a m/c and what signs to watch out for/head to ER. She explained cytotic and D&C and said that I didn't have to decide now, and I could wait to miscarry at home. She is calling me on Monday (as that will be a full week from 2cd u/s) to check in. I don't know if I'll need any sort of medical intervention at that point physically, but I might want to just be done for my mental/emotional health. She did say that before selecting a pill or d&c I could get a 3rd u/s for piece of mind. I still have the same symptoms (which was never much, and does now seem to be slightly less "strong"), and still absolutely no bleeding. Based on my LMP, I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow. That's four weeks since the heart beat likely stopped. Right now I don't feel like my body will ever miscarry naturally.

AW moment over. How did you keep busy while waiting for m/c? I know that I need to try, but when I have a quiet moment, my mind keeps playing "what if"? Without ultrasounds, how would I have known? Would I have carried this dead baby indefinitely? 

Does anyone else feel betrayed or "gas-lighted" by their own body? I don't feel so down about it all the time, but I just don't know anyone else who has been in a similar situation. My mom and one of my best friends have both had multiple m/c's, but theirs came on quickly. I've considered making an announcement on my FB- mostly to break the silence/secrecy of miscarriages that makes them so taboo in our culture, and, honestly, hopefully get some additional support. (I'm considering that because it is something that I am personally comfortable with, I certainly don't expect anyone else to do the same. While I think m/c in general can be discussed more openly, it is still a personal and private experience and everyone's privacy desires should be respected.) However, I don't feel comfortable sharing that on my social media yet because I am not miscarrying right now. I'm in some weird limbo of not pregnant and not not pregnant. 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but if you would like to share your miscarriage experience on here with me, I would like to read it (even if it's nothing like my drawn out wait). I think that just hearing more stories about how m/c's went, how you felt during and after, and how you are now will make this a little easier for me. (and hopefully for everyone else reading). Thanks for reading.  

Mack2342

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Thoughts and prayers.  

I was 10 weeks when I went in for ultrasound.  Baby had no heartbeat but measured about 10 weeks.  They believe heart stopped beating that day or day before.  I had no symptoms whatsoever.  Never thought that would be the case when I went in for US as I felt good.   That was a Friday...doctor sent me home and was going to call on Monday to schedule d & c.   For me, the weekend was horrible.  It was very difficult for me mentally and emotionally knowing that my baby was not living inside me.   My d & c was Tuesday which physically was pain free for me.  I needed that part to be over so I could start to heal. For me, I didn't feel like I could heal while I waited for my body to naturally miscarry.  I was able to return to work the next day after d&c as well as all other activities but I took a week off despite being able to return.  I needed the time to grieve and spend with my family.  I bled for 4.5 weeks and then cycle returned at 6 weeks.   We are TTC again now which for me helped my grieving process.  Just knowing that we would be able to try as soon as cycle returned helped me.  I'm 41 so I don't have time on my side.  So we wanted to hurry back into trying.   

Its a a struggle every day but with time gets a little easier.  I have really bad days still where I cry a lot and days when I get mad.  It's all part of the grieving process. You are entitled to whatever feelings you have.  This board has been helpful for me.   Not sure any of this helps you but I wish you the best. 

pghren

@tumblweed I remember you from the May board and I'm so sorry you're going through this.  
My story was a little different as my ultrasound was scheduled at 9 weeks to follow up on brown spotting, but the baby only measured six or seven weeks with no heartbeat. 

I had such bad symptoms all the way through, I couldn't believe that they had stopped developing that long ago, so I totally understand the feeling that your body was gaslighting you.

I did end up having a natural mc last week and am scheduled for my follow up this Tuesday, but I'm still trying to make peace with and reconnect to my body. It's like I've lost a sense of trust in what my body is telling me which had been really hard to handle. The one thing I did find that was helpful was a restorative yoga after miscarriage video on YouTube. It focused a lot on our hips and back, and was really grounding and reaffirming. 

Hopefully you are able to move through this.  Sending thoughts of healing and grace. 

starfish827

@tumbleweed I'm also from the May board and I'm very sorry for your loss. I had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks 4 days. I only had 1 ultrasound  where the sac was measuring the right time but no baby. The Dr. wanted me to wait 1 week and have another ultrasound to confirm or basically to let me get used to the idea that I was not going to have a baby.

I tried to wait, but 2 days later I had a D&C since I couldnt handle it anymore. I hated feeling pregnant and bloated for nothing. Looking back, perhaps I should have waited just for peace of mind. I know blighted ovums are sometimes misdiagnosed, but I was really sure about my dates and the sac measure exactly 8 weeks 4 days, so I knew I had to see something..at least a fetal pole or yolk sac. It was completely empty. Its weird that I was so sad that I lost my baby even when I never saw a baby...in my mind it didnt make a difference.

My Dr. said that most cases the body realizes something is wrong by the 12 week mark and miscarries. In my mind this meant that I could be an extra month pregnant before my body realized there was not baby. The D&C was so easy, a 20 min procedure and I felt great immediately. I even worked from home that same afternoon. Very little bleeding afterwards and some cramping. I would say 2-3 days later I was back to my pre pregnant self. 

There is no right or wrong answer here, follow your heart and your body. I hope you feel better. This board has been amazing and super supportive. 

cinderin

I am sorry. 

I had red spotting for a week, HCG testing, followed by a natural miscarriage between about 6 and 7 weeks. 

The whole thing was very hard. worrying through the spotting, waiting through HCG limbo hell, waiting to m/c. the actual m/c was very physically painful. I took RX pain meds and it just took the edge off. 

MKissa

I just came from the May 2017 board as well. I just got home from my appointment that was supposed to be 8w4d. Baby is measuring 5w6d with no heartbeat, so now I am in the same limbo of waiting. I feel betrayed by my body as I have had worse symptoms with this pregnancy than with my first. I just don't even know how I am going to wait.

Praying for yours and mine to move along to allow the healing process to begin. 

starfish827

@MKissa very sorry to see you here. I hope your limbo is over soon and that you get some peace of mind.

MKissa

endo_mom said:

@MKissa very sorry to see you here. I hope your limbo is over soon and that you get some peace of mind.

Thank you.

SP128

@tumbleweed123 and @MKissa so sorry that we are all in the same boat. I just did an intro here myself. Hope you're both not in limbo long. The unknown definitely stinks. 

For me, even though I know miscarriages happen a lot I still get upset. I get particularly upset when I start thinking About ppl who get pregnant and abuse their bodies with drugs and alcohol and they still manage to have babies. Albeit drug addicted sometimes, but still. Just my irrational thinking. 

starfish827

@MKissa and @SP128 how are you feeling? Limbo is always hard, but it gets better. The first days I cried all the time and now 25+ days I feel better emotionally and physically. Sending you good vibes in this time of uncertainty.

SP128

@endo_mom Thanks for always checking up on me.  I just took the miso pills about two hours ago.  Just waiting for them to work. 

@MKissa Hope you are doing as well as you can be right now.  Hope limbo isn't too much longer for you.

starfish827

@SP128 Fx for it to be as pain free as possible. Hoping the pill works fast for you. Take care of yourself this weekend.

SP128

@endo_mom  I was a little worried that the pill wasn't working well and would have to take a second dose.  I called the on call doctor and she said what I described was "within normal limits."  I was bracing myself for much worse.  I have a doctor's appointment and ultrasound next Thursday to check things out.  Fx that I'm clear.  

DH is taking me to teppanyaki tonight for getting out of the house and something to do.  

Will be joining over at TTC after loss soon!  Nurse practitioner said no need to wait to TTC again.  : )

starfish827

@SP128 I'm happy to hear you got to do something fun to get your mind off things. I am glad that everything you are experiencing is withing normal limits. There is no reason to wait...we waited just because I couldnt find when I was ovulating...OPKs detect HCG and I still had enough HCG to trigger a pregnancy test...so my OPKs were confusing. AF is due on Tuesday..we will see is it shows up. Fx for your Thursday follow up.

h+anna

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I found out at my 16 week appointment that my baby had died just a few days earlier. We delivered nTurally in the hospital. They told me she would be too painful to deliver at home. This was my second loss. Going to the hospital to be induced was definitely scary and we had so many questions being so far along, we had no idea what to expect.  They induced using seaweed and then cytotec which eventually did the trick over a day later. We were thankful to be able to 'meet' our daughter, name her, and hold and rock her. This loss is so fresh, we delivered her on the 5th of October. 
Our first loss was in 2012, at home. I bled for a week, was so scared, doctor said, no problem, it happens, as long as I wasn't cramping and passing huge clots, or soaking through pads very quickly, we were ok. Finally after five days of heavy bleeding (but not heavy enough apparently), we went in for an ultrasound. We saw our baby's heartbeat and everything looked fine. The next day was the same, but I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't realize at the time, but I was in labor

SP128

@h+anna  I am so sorry to hear about your losses.  This is a tough road.  I'm trying to think positive in that all this pain and grief will be worth it one day.  

@endo_mom fx for af.  I'm sure my hormones will be all over the place and nothing will happen until I get af anyway. Worth the college try thought : )  I just temped this morning.  I'm sure it will be wacky until everything stabilizes.

justsuzie

I'm still going through all of this because I was diagnosed with an eptopic on 9/23. I've had 6 methotrexate shots and over 12 blood draws so far. My numbers are still quite high and I'm still waiting to just be at 0 so I can move on. The wait is terrible and I've been bleeding for 4 weeks. I'm so tired. I just want to be done. 

tumbleweed-1

Hi everyone, thanks for sharing. First, I'm sorry for each of your loses. Having been through this whole m/c experience, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Second, to the other May 17 board moms, I would say that it is nice to see familiar names on here, but the reason that we are all here is not nice. I hope you get what I mean. It just helps to have someone I sort of know who can understand what I'm going through.
I hope we all have h&h pregnancies as soon as we are each ready to try again. My m/c finally started, and is described below. I'm posting a novel again, so don't feel that you have to read it all if you don't want the details:

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I finally started spotting on Wednesday last week. It really picked up on Friday and cramping started that day too. By that night it was horrible and after spending almost two hours in severe pain, we went to the ER. I was convinced something was wrong because I was intermittently cold and shaking and then covered in sweat. I was also nauseated, and my midwife had said to watch out for flu like symptoms. 

It turns out that all of those symptoms were just from the pain not being managed well enough (the amount of ibuprofen I take for a regular period wasn't getting the job done. So much for being told m/c is "like a strong, heavy period"). After reading more about other women's experiences, I'm pretty sure that my pain was contractions/labor. I was in so much pain that I was quite certain that I never wanted to be pregnant again and I told my SO that we could adopt children. I passed a few bouncy ball sized clots on Friday, and then one more last night. I only soaked through a pad once, and that was as we were leaving the hospital. Without too much TMI on the subject, I apologized to my SO because I was wearing his sweat pants (luckily they are black! and of course, he didn't care at all about them in that moment). 

Today I'm back to spotting (so far) and yesterday, even with that last clump, I wasn't having strong enough pain to need anymore medicine, I was just kind of uncomfortable. If I had to go anywhere, I probably would have taken some, but luckily I was able to lounge at home all day Sat./Sun. My SO took even took Saturday off from work so he could help me get some stuff done and keep me company. 

I have a procedure scheduled for this Wednesday (a D&C, I think, although she never called it that. It's one that I'm awake for, but on some medications to relax me/manage pain. Anyone else know?), so I need to call my midwife today and tell her what happened over the weekend. The last we had talked I had only been spotting, so she recommended I keep the appointment. I'll probably still go there, and they can at least make sure that I got everything out. I have a cytotec prescribed for that (which I am supposed to take 4 hrs before the appointment). I'm hoping that since I did miscarry- finally-, that I won't have to take that because I don't want any more strong cramps. I'll find out when I call.


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My SO and I are picking up keys to our new apartment the morning of my D&C, and I'd rather not be in any extra pain. I'm really excited about moving, and I think that having something nice to look forward to is helping me with the more emotional parts of m/c. We weren't trying to get pregnant this time, and that added so many more emotions into the mix. We will actually ttc sometime soon, but not until after the election. I'm going to need a drink on election night. I'd also rather not be hugely pregnant in the summer, I've always imagined myself having a winter baby, but that is less important. I'm good with any healthy pregnancy due anytime of year. 

sbl0609

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I, too, am in limbo. And, its hard. I had an u/s and should have been measuring 7w2d and am only about 4.5 plus I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. My dates are known since I had a few HcGs drawn during week 4. I have a follow-up u/s on Friday just to be sure.  The emotions are raw and its sad. Please know others are thinking of you, and you're not alone! 

starfish827

@tumbleweed I hope you are feeling better and its good that you got to MC naturally. Also, yay for the new apartment...thats always exciting and will help you get your mind off things. Take care of yourself.

tumbleweed-1

It looks like my body is taking care of things on its own. I was given the OK to cancel the D&C appointment, but they still want to monitor my HCG until it drops below 200. It was 490 on Monday. I did another draw yesterday, but haven't heard the results yet.

Based on how long my cycles usually are, I should be getting my next period around Thanksgiving. If everything goes smoothly. I hope everyone else is doing as well as you can! Take care.

starfish827

@tumbleweed Good to hear things are moving along. FX for your appointment on Monday. I hope your HCG is below 200 soon. I'm still waiting for AF on CD31 here.