Advice Needed: Family and Secondhand Smoke

CherylE418

Good morning everyone!

I'll try to keep this as condensed as possible. My mom lives with my grandmother, who I am very close with, but my mom smokes like a freight train. I really want to go visit in person in a few weeks to share the news, but it is a long drive that can't be made round trip in one day, and I absolutely will not subject myself and my developing baby to that kind of secondhand smoke. Even when I visit and I'm not pregnant, I always leave feeling sick because it is so bad. 

My mom also has some anger problems, so if she knows the trip is planned in advance and that I planned to stay at my aunt's house or a friend's, I know she will lose it, but explaining why it is necessary before we get there would negate the whole reason for going there. I really just want to be able to tell my grandma in person. 

So what would you do? Has anyone else had to be careful around family members who smoke?

and of course, all the hormones are making me excessively emotional about this. Ugh! Thanks in advance

doxiemoxie212

I wouldn't tell her about the trip beforehand and make it more of a surprise. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know that my mom's parents smoked a tonnnn before I was born, but she just straight up refused to ever see them again or let them see me unless they stopped, and they did - cold turkey. So, you never know. Just stick to your guns. 

My in-laws don't smoke, but they are hoarders (like, real live Hoarders, like the TV show levels), and I've already told DH that he needs to let them know that I nor the baby will be ever stepping foot inside their house unless they make the necessary changes. They are very wealthy and even if they don't want to take the steps personally for their mental health, if they care about having us over, they can get a housekeeper. 

MrsCPALeslie

Smoking is a big issue with me too. My parents smoke all day and every minute it feels like and I can't stand it. They got another thing coming when this baby gets here because I don't like to be in their house for no more than a few minutes because the smoke is so bad and it sticks to my hair and clothes for hours. So, just imagine when a baby is with me. The baby will not step a foot in their house and they will have to wash their hands and change their shirts frequently before holding the baby if they come to my house. I'm going to tell them to make changes when I get closer to my due date. Maybe 2 or 3 months before my due date. They shouldn't respond too crazy because they already know the smoke is a big deal for me.

To answer your question, if she already knows that you can't stand the smoke, just tell her because she shouldnt be surprised anyways and she should be understanding since you are pregnant.

SKZW

A friend was in a similar situation and basically laid down the law. She wouldn't set foot in her in-laws' place because of the smoke. It caused tension for a few months but in the end, the understanding was that if they wanted to visit her and the baby, they'd have to go to her house. She had those conversations when she was pregnant, by the way, so I think for you, too, the earlier the better to get it out into the open. You're right to be concerned, because it's the health of you both, but I understand the difficulty since it's family. I'd suggest you stay with your aunt, let it be a "surprise" visit, and tell your grandma in person. That sounds nice. Be strong! And we're here for you!

Squirtgun

I think everyone else has given great advice! My sister smokes, and I'd just add for after baby comes- maybe this is excessive, but I make her change clothes after smoking before she can hold the little ones. Or, she can wear a jacket over her clothes while she smokes, and take it off before she sees the little ones. (My oldest had breathing problems and was in the NICU for a week when she was born, which probably explains my attitude a bit.).  If it's something that is that important to you, and you stick with it, anyone who cares about the baby will be willing (if not always happy)  to follow your wishes to keep baby healthy. 

HowdyAnnie

I'd make it a last-minute "surprise" trip and say that you booked your (non-refundable) hotel because you didn't want to be a burden.  

MamaMiller

Certainly come up with a nice lie- maybe one of your good friends was looking forward to a girls night. Then after you share your news you can express your concern. I would maybe also say you want her to quit also for her health too. If you think overnight stay is to much maybe have you meet you half way.