Baby Shower - how to word in online message that hand-me-downs are ok?

daisieblue

Hi, I'm new here. I actually signed up with the sole purpose of asking this question haha, but now that I'm here I might stick around who knows? Not a huge internet person but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway I'm curious to see if anyone has any ideas for how to let shower attendees know that we're perfectly ok with pre-owned gifts? I've heard of secondhand showers, but this isn't entirely secondhand because we've registered for some new things too (car seat/travel system, baby bath products, etc.). Registry is on Amazon which lets you add a message at the top for those visiting. I just want a nice way to word it that doesn't sound impolite or tacky.

Right now I have: "Thanks for your love and support! Just a note: hand-me-downs would be equally appreciated by this little one.  "

Is there a better way to word this?

Thanks in advance. Also, again, new here so if there's a better place to post this please let me know.  

ashleaf2018

I would honestly just share that by word of mouth. It's considered tacky to have anything regarding gifts, including where you're registered, on the shower invite. 

dmontgo

@ashleaf2018 Is this a new rule or something? People wanted my registry info and included it on my invites--doesn't make sense to register for things you need and then not share it lol. But then again...I'm not Mrs. Etiquette either.

I think she's referring to her registry and the welcoming message online when someone is looking at it.

@daisieblue I don't know if the message about the hand-me-downs is necessary. There's no shame in registering for new things, and if someone gives you a hand-me-down then that's great too. If you really feel like you need to say it, I think the message you wrote is fine. 

Austenista

I agree that the message sounds fine to me, and honesty you've worded it sweetly. I don't see anything wrong with you putting it just like that.

However, if you didn't want to leave a message you could communicate that to the person who is throwing you the shower and then she can intimate to others that if they would like to offer hand me downs you don't mind at all.  

cgss11

I wouldn't mention anything, word of mouth is fine if you feel that strongly about it. 

@ashleaf2018 is correct, registry information should not be shared on an invitation, just word of mouth. That said, I think it's a harmless crime for a shower, where gift giving is pretty much the whole point. It would def. be wrong to put it on a wedding invitation, but I think for a baby shower it's no big deal. 

Gizmo1231

I'm with @dmontgo and would consider myself pretty etiquette knowledgeable- putting where you are registered on an invite for a baby shower is pretty typical 

ashleaf2018

If it's just an online registry that you're tacking the message on to that's probably fine.

@dmontgo It may be a Southern thing but I've always been taught that it's a big no-no. It makes you appear gift-grabby to have anything about gifts on the shower invite. If someone really wants to know what you want and are planning on getting you something, they'll ask. Not everyone gives a gift at the shower and it's kind of rude to insinuate that you expect one. I think it's a weird rule personally but it's one of those old traditions that most people are either hard-and-fast about or couldn't care less what the invite says. I'm in a family that is hard-and-fast about it.

daisieblue

Thanks for the replies. Honestly, every baby or bridal shower I've been to has always had the registry on the invite. Not sure if that's a local thing (I'm from the midwest) but it seems to be the norm here. My friend who is throwing the shower asked where I was going to register and put it on herself so that part is a done deal at this point.

And yes, I was asking about the welcoming message on the registry itself. The reason I wanted to include that is I have some family members and friends that I know aren't in the best place financially and I just wouldn't want them to feel like they couldn't come if they didn't have the budget to buy something new. That said, I do have quite a bit of less-than-$10 items on the registry....I just wanted to make sure everyone was included because I know a lot of people would feel weird going to a shower sans gift (I would). I would rather have them there to celebrate and bring an old book (or whatever) their kids have outgrown than to have them not come at all. 

Lisa3379

I've been wondering about this, too. 

Of course, I don't want to seem gift-grabby - in fact, my boyfriend would rather that no one gives us gifts at all. However, if I was invited to a shower, I would definitely want to give a gift of some sort, and I'd totally prefer knowing that there's a registry out there. It makes it so easy for the gift giver to just click a button, have it sent to their house, and know that the money went toward something they for sure wanted. 

But yeah, it does seem a little bit gauche to include the registry info, even though I'm sure it's the norm. 

Gizmo1231

On my shower invites for DS1 my hostess actually had a separate paper with registry info instead of on the actually invites. My shower was a "rain shower" theme so she included little paper raindrop with the registry info on it. 

slartybartfast

For showers - the purpose of the event is centered around gifts. That's why it's a shower. Registry info is fine. other events (weddings, sip-n-see's, whatever) leave it off.
daisieblue I'm a big advocate of reuse - especially in the baby world where things get just a few months of use. I did hand-me-downs for my showers.

I can't remember exactly how I worded it but what you have there looks good to me. I think I had also alerted the hosts that if someone has something used that is on the registry, they could let me know and I'd remove it from the registry to avoid dups. Although the registry was at target so when I did end up with a few dups, I'd return the new item and get a gift card which we used on food.

leksiL

I agree with @slartybartfast. It would be horribly tacky to put it on a wedding invite, but the point of a shower is to shower the mother-to-be with gifts. 

I think it also matters what kind of shower you are having. For my big shower, I am basically being forced to open said gifts in front of everyone (I am totally not a baby shower person) but people want to see their gifts opened and appreciated and we are including the registry info. I wish I was having an intimate baby shower with hand-me-downs but it is a monstrosity with my husband's extended family. My family baby shower (they live in different parts of the country) will be intimate, last minute (probably won't even have invites) and probably have hand-me-downs/handmade gifts and we will do registry info by word of mouth or people will ask me what I still need. 

swhiddon33

Just wanted to throw in - I am 100% Georgia born and raised and I have NEVER not seen registry info on an invitation from any and all women in my area that have had showers. I posted that ish on my card loud and proud. Why the heck are we doing a shower if not for that purpose? So we can sit around and stare at each other? What? *mind blown* The way I see it, we have two times in life that we can anticipate (not expect!) gifts. Weddings and babies. I think that's pretty universal and not at all tacky. 

That said... to the OP.... I'm not sure why you feel you need to address this at all, to be honest. If someone is bringing you a gift, it's up to them how they choose to obtain that gift. If they buy new, awesome! If they can't, they won't attend most likely. Are you hoping to avoid the no-shows, in that scenario? Hand-me-downs usually just happen organically. Friends, family, etc. who have "been there done that" LOVE to purge and help a new mom and may do so without being directly told to do so. If you do feel you need to address it, I think your language is fine.

Austenista

swhiddon33 said:

Just wanted to throw in - I am 100% Georgia born and raised and I have NEVER not seen registry info on an invitation from any and all women in my area that have had showers. I posted that ish on my card loud and proud. Why the heck are we doing a shower if not for that purpose? So we can sit around and stare at each other? What? *mind blown*

Same. GA born and raised and I've never ever heard of this being tacky, rather that it was needful information. If I got a shower invitation without registry information, I would be annoyed because then I'm going to have to call the hostess or the lady it's honoring to ask for it. 

1MommyRunner

I'm a southern girl from NC. I don't recall any shower invitation that didn't include registry info. It's always been nice to know ahead of time so I won't be bugging the mom to be about what she needs/wants. My sister put my registry info on my invite for DS1. That being said, I received a mix of things from my registry, things not on my registry and simple cards with prayers/well wishes for the baby. All were equally appreciated and loved.

juliehollz13

I don't think it's a southern thing, it's more of a proper etiquette thing. Since hardly anyone follows proper etiquette these days anyway, you get to pretty much do what you want when it comes to showers. It all depends on your circle of family and friends and what you and they are comfortable with. 

Kacie209

This argument also comes up when sending out wedding invites. I remember reading MANY websites where it said, "Don't put where you're registered on the invite" as it was deemed rude and gift-grabby, and word of mouth was best.

But, I don't think I have never NOT seen registry information on an invite, or at least on an Information Card within the invite suite. I'm in the upper Midwest, and I think it's just common to include the information.

I am a snooper, so I usually check out various stores registry info when I know some may have registries started, but still love to know for sure. I know that I provided that information to the gals/family that are throwing me showers, as they wanted it.

swhiddon33

This showed up on my FB wall today and the timing is too perfect. It was titled Why You Should Proofread. Hahaha. 
Now THAT may be too gift grabby

beff12

@swhiddon33 I was thinking the same thing! I'm in NC but any shower I've ever been invited to has had registry info on it. Do people go to showers without taking gifts? Doesn't shower kind of mean to shower with things? I'd feel so uncomfortable if I showed up at a shower empty handed and just drank punch the whole time. 

cjt121413

I always thought the etiquette rule is that registry info is okay on a shower invite only, because a shower is a). thrown by someone else; and b). a gift-giving event (to "shower" someone with gifts). Registry info is not okay on a wedding invitation, birthday party invitation, or basically any invitation for a party you're throwing for yourself. Also, it's not okay to throw yourself a shower. Not to open a can of worms, but just saying.

Meanwhile, Emily Post says it is okay to include registry information "with" but not "on" the shower invite. So, an insert maybe? https://emilypost.com/advice/shower-etiquette/

tinattt23

Confession: I hate 99% of party etiquette rules.

Do what works within the your own group of friends/family. Personally, I don't care if some relative is offended because I printed the registry information on the wrong piece of paper. If that's what makes someone think less of me then I don't really value their opinion anyways. 

Harsh? Maybe. Rude? Depends who you ask. But anyone who truly knows me and loves understands/agrees. And those are really the only people I care to keep happy. 

Rant over. Nice face back in place

Christinaruth74

I'm in the "registry info for a shower is fine" camp. That's what a shower is for.. Gifts. 

As far as requesting hand-me-downs, that totally just happens naturally. I think adding specifics about gifts on invites can be off-putting as they are gifts and people will give as they see fit/as they're able. I think it's great that you're open to hand-me-downs, though! Baby stuff gets used for such a short amount of time, it's wonderful to see that stuff passed around.

also- welcome to the board! 

dmontgo

I think I'm a pretty polite person: I say please/thank you/excuse me, I write thank you cards for gifts, I open the door for elderly people, yes ma'am/no sir etc etc etc...

...but I don't keep myself up at night over stuff like this. I feel like this is where a lot of shame-based behavior comes from--a lot of rules over things that don't matter that we stress about. I'm not saying to be a rude person...but who truly cares about this stuff?

I don't care if registry info is on an invitation I receive, and *gasp* I don't care if someone throws their own shower. Why? Because it's not hurting me and has nothing to do with me. I don't have to go if I don't like it. My day isn't going to be ruined because someone throws their own party. I'm not going to lose my job because they put registry info for all to see. Gift grabby? Maybe if I didn't know the person...but a friend? Pffft I don't care. I have more important things to worry about...like what I'm going to eat.

Breaking all types of social norms today!

Austenista

BFF just texted me several sample shower invites to pick from. Every single one of them has registry information on them.



 

dmontgo

@Austenista Those are so cute!

Lisa3379

Wow, I love those pumpkin invitations! So cute. 

Austenista

@dmontgo thanks! we agreed on the first one.  

silverfrost

ashleaf2018 said: Not everyone gives a gift at the shower and it's kind of rude to insinuate that you expect one. I think it's a weird rule personally but it's one of those old traditions that most people are either hard-and-fast about or couldn't care less what the invite says. I'm in a family that is hard-and-fast about it.

That's really interesting! I guess I'm in the opposite pool: I would think someone pretty damn rude to avoid bringing a gift to a baby shower (not necessarily my own. I'd probably just be glad people came to mine, really). I guess in my corner that's the part that is a must. It's funny how different everyone thinks about these things!

I included where I'm registered on my invitations. I'm sure my friends and family are cool with that.