Praying for God to Kill Me....

Mojo134

After 4 IUI's and two Miscarriages at the age of 41 I feel empty, numb and valueless. I just watched an ex friend who not the greatest human being give birth to a healthy beautiful baby girl at the age of 43! So a Narcissist gets blessed but I get nothing but tears for breakfast.  I truly hate myself and wish I were dead. I have never felt so worthless in my entire life!!! Why is life so fucking unfair? I'm a good person. I don't deserve to feel this excruciating pain. All I want is my blessing and God just toys with me like a Cat to a dead mouse. They only thing I've heard from God is Radio Silence...

MMD1986

I know this is really hard at times, but please don't wish you were dead. Life unfortunately isn't always fair, but there is good in it even in tough times. Try and think of all the positives around you and see the beauty in life. You'll get through this. 

Elyse1384

I understand your hurt and frustration, but please don't wish yourself dead.  Maybe you can discuss options outside of IUI with your doctor when you are ready and comfortable.  Perhaps IVF or embryo adoption?  Would you ever consider adoption?  I'm was adopted and can tell you that there are so many kids who can use a good home with lots of love.  Please just hang in there and speak with those in your circle of family and friends who you trust with these deep feelings.  Talking it out with a loved one can help!

lady_grey

@Mojo134 I'm so sorry you feel this way, I have definitely been in your shoes with feeling despair and the unfairness of it all.  I can't tell through the message board the extent of how badly you feel, but I want you to know that if you are in a very dark place to the point where you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help.  Life is STILL worth living.  

The national suicide prevention hotline is: 1-800-273-8255.  

joneser1281

@Mojo134 I think everyone on this IF board understands your frustrations and feelings of hopelessness... I am in the process of going through a MC right now... We also know what it's like to have those feelings of jealousy, anger, etc. when someone else gets PG without a hitch... Especially when they seem so undeserving.  Please understand that you are not alone... And things WILL get better.  We all just have to keep trying... Whether that means taking time off from TTC for a break, or marching right into the doctor's office to say ok, what can we do next?  Please don't give up on your future baby, or your life. We are here for you. 

BumpAdmin

We are very sorry, but we cannot allow this thread to remain open for replies. Although we understand and appreciate your want to help, no one here at this site is a trained psychiatrist or a crisis counselor who can responsibly deal with the issue of suicidal thoughts. Please seek help by going to an appropriate website, such as https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx, or calling a hotline such as 1-800-273-8255.