Hey ladies. Sorry I have been a little MIA the last few days. I had a bit of a panic attack/breakdown Tuesday morning and was admitted to the hospital for it. I am being discharged tonight and can't wait to get home to my little one. The psych has put me on a combination of drugs including Prozac and clonazepam. I am feeling a lot better anxiety/depression wise here, but then again the environment here is very stable and calming (on top of the sleep I have finally been able to get). I am hopeful that when I get back into my home environment tonight, that I feel comfortable and safe again. I really want to feel like my old self again so I can be a great mommy to Aria. I feel so bad because my DH has had to take care of her by himself for the last three days. He seems to be doing great with her though. I just really feel guilty for missing out on her life for two and a half days.
*TW Spoiler*
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks. 10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery 11/2/17 Twin A & B born 11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU Benched 6 months BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
@midwestbaby I'm sorry, I'm sure it's been hard to be away from her for so long, but it's great that you're getting help and feeling better! You are a great mommy already, and mommies still need to care for themselves too. I hope your transition home is smooth!
@midwestbaby Aw girl I'm so sorry I hope you feel better and stay better. The exhaustion can really make it hard. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough go at it. I've been wondering where you've been! I thought about asking if anyone had seen you but didn't want to seem like a stalker lol. Just keep in mind Aria will not remember you being gone. And she will be so happy having you home.
@midwestbaby Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough patch, but glad you got help and are feeling better. Don't feel guilty about missing out - you did what you needed to do to be a good mommy, and I bet it was a great bonding experience for your DH and Aria!
@midwestbaby Oh no, I'm so sorry...that must have been so hard and scary I hope you're doing better. Know you're not alone by any means! Hang in there. *hugs*
@midwestbaby I was just wondering where you've been! I'm so sorry you've had a rough few days, but remember that taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for Aria!
I finally got clearance to be able to use the internet tonight before my discharge. I seriously can't wait to go home, hold my baby, and start a new "normal" routine!
*TW Spoiler*
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks. 10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery 11/2/17 Twin A & B born 11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU Benched 6 months BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
@midwestbaby Thinking of you as you head home. Like others, I was about to ask around if you were okay! Clearly we were all concerned!
I hope that things level out for you some as you get home to your sweet girl and truly darling husband. Take care of yourself, it's one of the best things that you can do for Aria.
@midwestbaby oh no! I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. I've had moments where I've needed DH to step in and there is always an overwhelming amount of guilt with not being able to do it all but I try and keep in mind that if I'm not taking care of myself, I can't give the best to my daughters. You got this! Get those snuggles in now. They make everything worth it!
So I feel like, even with my history of depression/anxiety, I've handled the first month of having LO pretty well. All except for when it comes to DH. He says he wants to be helpful, but then doesn't do what he says he will do. Now I'll admit, he has helped clean up and support me with breastfeeding and stuff, but I thought after having LO that he would put video gaming to the side at least for awhile and that he would want to hold LO more often and bond. He did at first, but it's quickly changed.
I get so annoyed and depressed when he comes home from work and holds LO for all of 15-30 minutes, half the time after I ask if he wants to, and then says he wants to play his video games. I've been home all day taking care of LO and bonding, and you can't have one of your hands taken up since it prevents you from your games? We've had the discussion countless times over the past few weeks, and at this point it seems like LO isn't really consolable by DH and only wants me when he's upset. And when DH hears LO crying in his swing, he's quick to point out that he's crying but won't go try to take care of it, but then will tell me he can bring LO down to the basement while he plays his games and leave him in the swing. Um, okay, because obviously I'd love to have to go all the way downstairs whenever he's upset since you won't handle it.
I'm just so frustrated and 90 percent of the time the reason I cry is my frustration with how little DH seems to get it. He really doesn't seem to understand what to do with a newborn or how to support me sometimes, and I keep trying to communicate, but he just gets angry that I'm "telling him what to do." *sigh*
So this is the first time I've been able to post since DD was born. It has probably been the most difficult 48 hours of my life since we've been home. I even have my mom and mil staying with me and I feel like such a failure. After night one I pretty much gave up on breastfeeding and am exclusively pumping right now. My goal is to do that until my mom and MIL leave in 3 weeks and then probably switch to formula, we'll see. My DH thinks I have postpartum anxiety? I've had some miserable thoughts the past few days. Things I can't even bring myself to say out loud. My mom and MIL took the night shift last night and I was able to sleep for about 8 hours (waking up every 3 to pump).
I honestly am just at a loss of how I'm supposed to do all of this in 3 weeks by myself and am so overwhelmed. I just keep thinking millions of moms have gone through this and I just can't handle it. My mom, DH and MIL have been so extremely supportive and have been nothing but positive and caring. I just can't help think she's only been here 5 days and I am a mess.
@Hannah0726 it gets better, it really does. That first two weeks of exhaustion and hormones is overwhelming but you will get through it. I had really tetribe anxiety the first few weeks as well. Awful thoughts, nightmares, constantly checking on LO, but it eases up over time. I am still vigilant and nervous but it isn't so all consuming.
Breast feeding is hard, so is pumping. It doesn't work for everyone. But it still may work for you. Be kind to yourself Mama, yiu are doing what you nedd to in order to be the best Mom fir your LO. Remember, fed is best and that is what matters.
Thank you @liljabee. I think I just cannot get out of my own head. Everything seems so much bigger than it is. I am just having too many emotions right now. I know it will pass. Believe it or not today has been a little better than yesterday. I just need to take it day by day.
@Hannah0726 Millions of moms have gone through this, but that doesn't mean it was easy or that they didn't struggle. This shit is so hard - especially the first two weeks. I think taking it day by day is a great plan. Some days will be better than others, but overall things do get better and you will be able to handle things just fine!
@Hannah0726 yes, take it day by day! Don't even think about 3 weeks from now when your family leaves, because three weeks is such a long time in newborn world. I remember being so overwhelmed and almost inconsolable the first week with DS1 and by 3 weeks I felt completely different. You're adjusting to a totally new way of life, and this is the hardest part. It does get easier, it just takes some time!
@allishally13 DH and I are in a similar situation. DH hardly ever holds DS and when I ask him if he wants to he says that I already hold him too much so I should put him in the bassinette, even after he's taken all of his morning naps in there. It feels like not only does he not want to bond with DS but he's also critiquing me. I know it will get better and this newborn phase is not his favorite, but it's definitely gotten me down. I just keep reminding myself we went through something similar with DD and it did get better as she got older and he's on baby overload right now being home all day with us and taking care of DD. I did about lose it on him when I left DS downstairs to shower and when I came back down DH and DD were sitting on the couch while DS started crying and DH didn't even move to get him.
@allishally13 my husband is also a gamer-- so much so that we went out for my birthday last night aND had about 3 hours just the two of us. When we got home, he asked if he could go play video games online with his friends, "but I won't if you don't want me to. " no, 3 hours with you on my birthday is enough, please go ignore me now.
Do you have a baby carrier?DH will often strap baby on in the carrier and go play. They get to cuddle and his hands are still free to play. Baby stays pretty quiet and happy in there, too. Maybe that would be an option.
Dads have a harder time bonding with baby than mom's do, often. They didn't carry baby for 9 months, and when babies are this young so that all they do is eat, poop, and sleep, it's often hard for them. I've heard a lot of dads are excited to have an older kid they can play/interact with, not a baby. It'll get better.
Married May 2014 DD born August 2016 Baby #2 due December 2017
@Hannah0726 I felt the EXACT same way as you when I got home. Being a new mom is HARD. Your lady bits hurt, your breasts hurt, you are exhausted, your learning how to function and figure out your newborn. You are not alone feeling this way. I will say it gets easier as you physically start to feel better. But those hormones are a really bitch. If you cry, let it all out. I always felt better after a good cry.
If you still feel the anxiety in a few weeks, I would get checked out for PPD. I wish I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to get checked out for PPD. My family and I were chalking my panic up to baby blues even though I have a medical history of depression and general anxiety disorder. I feel like if I went in as soon as I felt overwhelmed, I wouldn't have had to be admitted to the hospital for it. Give yourself a few days to adjust, but if after a week and a half you still feel panicked, I would make an appointment with your OB.
And try not to be so hard on yourself. Breastfeeding is fricken hard work! And exhausting! I lasted three weeks and I am proud of that. I felt a huge amount of guilt switching to formula this week. But you know what? My daughter is doing just fine on formula and it gives me a break to have others feed her. So if you do decide to go to formula, do not feel guilty. #fedisbest
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive mommy vibes your way!
*TW Spoiler*
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks. 10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery 11/2/17 Twin A & B born 11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU Benched 6 months BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
@allishally13 I have those exact same thoughts about DH with DS. He isn't a gamer, but he loves to come home after work and just lay on the couch.
The other day, I literally lost it on DH. I was screaming "I didn't make him myself!! You were there, you need to help. Stop waiting for me to ask... F**king step up and be a dad and bond with DS". Mind you- if is VERY unlike me to just lose it. Poor DH didn't realize that I was tired of asking for help. I should have said something earlier, and he should have helped more.
Its been 100x better, I just hope it stays. It's a whole new life for us and we are all adjusting.
34 Mother of 4 year old and 2 Labs. Happily Married to my Hubs of 6 years.
@ginger819 I'm glad to hear it does get better! I'm trying my best to just push through this phase with DH, since I know he really is a good husband and father, he just is different than me and thinks differently. It's pushing me to communicate even more than before, which I've always struggled with, along with asking for help.
@cait5413 I definitely feel for you- sounds like our gaming husbands can be very similar I always hope major life changes will break him away from games for a bit, but it's usually the opposite. I guess I have to remember games are also his coping mechanism, not just for enjoyment. I just wish he had a more useful coping mechanism lol! I'm definitely going to have him use the carrier starting tomorrow- we talked about doing that and forgot!
@TCUFrog08 I will admit, I have had multiple talks/breakdowns with my DH that I'm not proud of sometimes, but it's been an equal number of calm conversations discussing things as my flip outs.
Thanks everyone for the reassurance it's not just me and it will get better.
Thank you @midwestbaby and everyone else. Your words made me cry (of course). I wanted to update that I am feeling better and am feeling more positive. I still have definite feelings of anxiety but it doesn't leave me with the paralyzed feeling as before. The nights are the hardest. I am still pumping and am looking to make it till my mom and MiL leave and then will more than likely switch to formula. That will have been a month with breastmilk and I think I feel feel satisfied with that.
All of you breastfeeding mamas, I can't even give you the accolades you deserve for making it through!
Man yesterday I was busy and didn't get on TB. i have catching up to do on the threads!
@Hannah0726 you are a great mama, it's good that you are recognizing your emotions and thoughts, don't stuff them down! Echoing everyone else, it does get easier with time, you'll get into a groove!
@allishally13 my husband is a gamer as well, I have to say he's been very helpful, but I agree having to ask them is they want to hold them when they get home from work is annoying. I always assume he should want to when he gets home from work because he's been away all day! I recognize he may need some time to decompress. This morning DH said he would take care of her since I was up all night with her. that lasted 20 minutes and he brought her in where I was sitting and put her in the mamaroo! I agree with the baby wearing. I got him set up the other day with our infantino SSC .. worked well!
I also just want to add that my DH got so much better as DS1 got older. I had the same issues many of you are having when he was first born, I felt like DH didn't care about holding him, or would do it for 5 minutes and then put him in his chair. Once DS1 was old enough to interact, it's a whole new ballgame. The first thing DH does when he gets home from work now is play a game with DS1 and loves reading him books for bed. I don't even have to prompt him, they are seriously best buds. It didn't really happen until he was 18months or so, but I think that many men need the interaction to really make that strong connection.
I've heard that when a couple talks about having a baby the woman pictures then with a baby and the man pictures an older child that he can play with.
DH will help with A when he fusses, etc but he's even said there's no real bond yet. But we have also been using the divide and conquer method of parenting. So he's been in charge of almost everything with DS1 when he's home. I can't complain too much.
@hannah0726 thinking of you and praying that it gets easier as time goes on. You are doing a fantastic job momma!
Anyone else out there just feel lonely? We moved about a year ago and i have lost touch with my friends here. Feel just alone in this plus dh is gone for the day so that doesn't help either.
@sbelle474 Not sure if you're a SAHM but it truly is the loneliest job in the world and is a huge adjustment if you're used to working outside the home. You really have to make an effort to get out of the house and meet people. I worked full time until DS1 was born almost 3 years ago and it really took me a good 6 months to adjust to being at home. I joined a couple mommy groups, went to lots of library storytimes and playgroups, and now I have lots of mommy friends. That would be my best advice!
My MIL always says that you have to leave the house to make them bond. If you're always around they never will. You will always be there to "mother" and step in. I guess because I had to go back to work with DD my husband had to take on equal responsibility and I wasn't breastfeeding so that wasn't a factor either. But if you aren't there your DH is going to have to take on everything you do when he isn't. I highly recommend taking a mommy break and letting DH or your SO take on baby on his own. It's a great bonding experience and they will fall in love with LO just as much as you, you just have to take a step back and let them. I know when I'm around I'm constantly managing DH, "no, sounds like he needs to burp or bla bla bla.".
@sbelle474 I always tell DH that the loneliness is the thing I struggle with the most being a SAHM. Since the baby can't really talk to me, I have a lot of time to think any issues/problems going on in my life, then overanalyzing everything until the point where I breakdown. It may be different this time around because my toddler keeps me super busy. I also joined a moms group (MOPS) and we have regular play dates scheduled. It's intimidating joining an established group but the moms are super welcoming because they were once in the same spot.
Re: Postpartum Mental Health Check In
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery
11/2/17 Twin A & B born
11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
Benched 6 months
BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO
BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
Thanks ladies! I missed you!
I finally got clearance to be able to use the internet tonight before my discharge. I seriously can't wait to go home, hold my baby, and start a new "normal" routine!
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery
11/2/17 Twin A & B born
11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
Benched 6 months
BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO
BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
I hope that things level out for you some as you get home to your sweet girl and truly darling husband. Take care of yourself, it's one of the best things that you can do for Aria.
Baby #2: Emmeline Grey - August 2016
Baby #3: BFP 9/7/18 | EDD 05/24/19
I get so annoyed and depressed when he comes home from work and holds LO for all of 15-30 minutes, half the time after I ask if he wants to, and then says he wants to play his video games. I've been home all day taking care of LO and bonding, and you can't have one of your hands taken up since it prevents you from your games? We've had the discussion countless times over the past few weeks, and at this point it seems like LO isn't really consolable by DH and only wants me when he's upset. And when DH hears LO crying in his swing, he's quick to point out that he's crying but won't go try to take care of it, but then will tell me he can bring LO down to the basement while he plays his games and leave him in the swing. Um, okay, because obviously I'd love to have to go all the way downstairs whenever he's upset since you won't handle it.
I'm just so frustrated and 90 percent of the time the reason I cry is my frustration with how little DH seems to get it. He really doesn't seem to understand what to do with a newborn or how to support me sometimes, and I keep trying to communicate, but he just gets angry that I'm "telling him what to do." *sigh*
I honestly am just at a loss of how I'm supposed to do all of this in 3 weeks by myself and am so overwhelmed. I just keep thinking millions of moms have gone through this and I just can't handle it. My mom, DH and MIL have been so extremely supportive and have been nothing but positive and caring. I just can't help think she's only been here 5 days and I am a mess.
Breast feeding is hard, so is pumping. It doesn't work for everyone. But it still may work for you. Be kind to yourself Mama, yiu are doing what you nedd to in order to be the best Mom fir your LO. Remember, fed is best and that is what matters.
Do you have a baby carrier?DH will often strap baby on in the carrier and go play. They get to cuddle and his hands are still free to play. Baby stays pretty quiet and happy in there, too. Maybe that would be an option.
Dads have a harder time bonding with baby than mom's do, often. They didn't carry baby for 9 months, and when babies are this young so that all they do is eat, poop, and sleep, it's often hard for them. I've heard a lot of dads are excited to have an older kid they can play/interact with, not a baby. It'll get better.
Married May 2014
DD born August 2016
Baby #2 due December 2017
If you still feel the anxiety in a few weeks, I would get checked out for PPD. I wish I wouldn't have waited as long as I did to get checked out for PPD. My family and I were chalking my panic up to baby blues even though I have a medical history of depression and general anxiety disorder. I feel like if I went in as soon as I felt overwhelmed, I wouldn't have had to be admitted to the hospital for it. Give yourself a few days to adjust, but if after a week and a half you still feel panicked, I would make an appointment with your OB.
And try not to be so hard on yourself. Breastfeeding is fricken hard work! And exhausting! I lasted three weeks and I am proud of that. I felt a huge amount of guilt switching to formula this week. But you know what? My daughter is doing just fine on formula and it gives me a break to have others feed her. So if you do decide to go to formula, do not feel guilty. #fedisbest
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive mommy vibes your way!
DD: Aug '16
10/2017: Twins confirmed with TTTS at 22 weeks.
10/10/17 Twin B passed after in utero placenta surgery
11/2/17 Twin A & B born
11/26/17: Twin A passed after 24 days fighting in the NICU
Benched 6 months
BFP: 6/28/18 MC:7/16/18 BO
BFP: 10/2/18 EDD 6/15/18
The other day, I literally lost it on DH. I was screaming "I didn't make him myself!! You were there, you need to help. Stop waiting for me to ask... F**king step up and be a dad and bond with DS". Mind you- if is VERY unlike me to just lose it. Poor DH didn't realize that I was tired of asking for help. I should have said something earlier, and he should have helped more.
Its been 100x better, I just hope it stays. It's a whole new life for us and we are all adjusting.
@cait5413 I definitely feel for you- sounds like our gaming husbands can be very similar
@TCUFrog08 I will admit, I have had multiple talks/breakdowns with my DH that I'm not proud of sometimes, but it's been an equal number of calm conversations discussing things as my flip outs.
Thanks everyone for the reassurance it's not just me and it will get better.
All of you breastfeeding mamas, I can't even give you the accolades you deserve for making it through!
@Hannah0726 you are a great mama, it's good that you are recognizing your emotions and thoughts, don't stuff them down! Echoing everyone else, it does get easier with time, you'll get into a groove!
@allishally13 my husband is a gamer as well, I have to say he's been very helpful, but I agree having to ask them is they want to hold them when they get home from work is annoying. I always assume he should want to when he gets home from work because he's been away all day! I recognize he may need some time to decompress. This morning DH said he would take care of her since I was up all night with her. that lasted 20 minutes and he brought her in where I was sitting and put her in the mamaroo! I agree with the baby wearing. I got him set up the other day with our infantino SSC .. worked well!
DH will help with A when he fusses, etc but he's even said there's no real bond yet. But we have also been using the divide and conquer method of parenting. So he's been in charge of almost everything with DS1 when he's home. I can't complain too much.
Anyone else out there just feel lonely? We moved about a year ago and i have lost touch with my friends here. Feel just alone in this plus dh is gone for the day so that doesn't help either.
Baby #2: Emmeline Grey - August 2016
Baby #3: BFP 9/7/18 | EDD 05/24/19