Anyone live far away from family? What would you do? Need help with this!

WildFlower2350

I live 4 hours from my parents and at least 3+ from all other relatives (aunts, cousins, etc).  The only relatives that are close to me geographically are my husband's parents (they live 30 min from me).  I just found out I am pregnant with my second (yay!) and while it is very, very early, I am already starting to worry and feel anxious about who will watch my son (will be 2 yo when I deliver).  My issue is that I genuinely don't trust my inlaws.  They aren't bad people and I know they love my son...but he has a host of food allergies including anaphylaxis for nuts.  I cannot begin to tell you the amount of times my MIL has made food and "forgotten" about what ingredients she has used.  I trusted her once when she said no milk and low and behold my son developed a rash from head to toe and screamed for 3 hours that night b/c of pain from his dairy allergy.  Thankfully that was the only time I let him eat something.  So my rule is no food unless it was provided by me.  She still offers and always says "no milk in this, no butter in this" but i have to tell you Ive heard her say that many, many times to have someone correct her and say " you did put butter in that" and she says "oh my god, i forgot".  So yea, I have never let her watch him for a few min let alone for days on end (I will be having a c-section).  I pray to god my mom can come and watch my son BUT my dad has Parkinson's.  When he is bad, he is really bad.  There is a chance he would be well and they both come but if he is in bad shape she will stay and care for him.

Is there anyone that lived far from family when they already had one child with another on the way?  What did you do for care?  My DH def thinks I make his mother into a monster and jokingly said " you better get over it b/c she's the one that's going to wind up watching DS, we have no one else, it will be fine".  This woman is incapable of remembering, following directions.  Ugh.  Maybe this is more of a rant but Im hoping someone out there can help me think of something.  I hope to have a plan A, plan B, and plan C well before my due date to quell my nerves.  Thanks.

SnarkasaurusRex

1. If this is an issue with you MIL, your DH needs to have your back and have a conversation with her on doing what you ask. This is a potentially life-threatening situation, and he needs to man up and have a mature conversation with his mother.

2. Since you are having a c-section and know when you will deliver, I would have your mom be 'first string' for watching your son. If she is unable to come, the you MIL should be your backup if you have no other friends in the area that can take him for a few days. If he stays with MIL, I would suggest getting all of his food/snacks together in advance and handing it to your MIL when you go in for your section, so that she does not need to cook anything for him. More work on your part, and no guarantee that she will follow directions and use it, but I think that would give you the most peace of mind.

leksiL

Do you have the ability to hire someone?

nanner26

I second having dinners, lunches, etc. prepared for your son so that way your MIL doesn't have to make anything if she does end up watching him. I can't believe your MIL would be so careless if he is allergic/has reactions to certain foods. How can you forget something like that? I would be worried as well. 

Do you have a close friend that could watch him? Since you are having a c-section and it is more planned, could you still let him stay with relatives even though it is far away? 

I'm sorry you are going through this but luckily it sounds like you have some time to think through your options. Like the PP said, I would probably hire someone before letting my MIL watch him if that's your last resort. 

WildFlower2350

Thanks for the feedback.  I think part of my problem is DH.  It's his mother and he tends to defend her.  For whatever reason he doesn't see things through the same lens that I do.  Maybe bc, as of now, she doesn't watch our son.  I have no clue.  I agree with pp, if you can't remember food allergies after being told about them for ONE YEAR (literally, we have had the dairy conversation for over a year now) than you are either totally insane or totally incompetent.  All the people I have met in this area since moving here that I would consider friends aren't really close friends and they all have small children.  I wouldn't be in a position to put the burden of another toddler on them.  I doubt my DH would go for hiring someone.  I think my last resort would hire babysitting for daytime hours and make my husband go home and do bedtime duty and just have MIL sleep in our house.  Probably would clear my home of all allergy foods so there can't be any slip ups and pray that lunatic doesn't bring something (she love to bake).  She equates food with love so the fact that I have never let her feed my son I think really bothers her.  Ugh.  Im getting irritated just writing about this.  Thanks again.  Ill put my thinking cap on...I have time thank goodness.  

bbiutmcph

Honestly I don't think I would let my MIL if that was her behavior and attitude and if my husband couldn't see the issue. I would have a heart to heart conversation with your H he needs to realize how serious this is and to frankly grow a pair with his mom. But she clearly isn't getting this and this isn't something like I prefer him not to have sweets this is a serious health issue.

When I had both my second and third section my H was there for the surgery but then was in charge of our kids. He brought them for visits at the hospital but that was it. His main focus was being with the kids at home. I would suggest that. This way you are only really in need of someone that first day. I would have your mom be the first plan. Then as back up since you have lots of time still I would find an aunt uncle cousin or friend to be a stand in if your mom is unable. 

BumpasaurusRex

Can you get a babysitter or ask a friend?  It seems like it would be worrisome to ask your MIL and inconvenient to ask your mom.

WildFlower2350

Thanks to all.  I was thinking that my real preference would be for my husband to be with our son.  I would be fine with neighbors or babysitters watching him during the daytime and DH taking over for bedtime routine through breakfast.  My mom would also be great but my dad is like a toddler himself.  She has to watch him 24/7 so she could never leave him home.  Unless he has some miraculous inner strength to come with her but she can't leave him.  They haven't been to visit me in over a year.  I would imagine baby #2 might be enough of a push to make it happen but his health is very rocky one day, great the next.  Anyways...thank you all again.  I appreciate just having someone to listen to my vent without judgment.

meggyme

Could you plan to have Your husband watch your son and a family member stay with you in the hospital? I'm sure you'd rather have him with you at night, but it might give you some peace of mind.

emilyalso

I know I will be another C-section when it's time, and I have thought of having my husband do some of the watching while I am in the hospital. It would be lovely to have him with me the whole time, but honestly it can get a little boring, so I wouldn't mind if he came home some. Maybe that can work for you. 

I don't know that it matters much WHAT the issue is with your MIL. Is her love language baking? Does he defend her too much? Is she just forgetful? The bottom line is... your responsibility is to your child, and if she has proven not to be trustworthy, then it's not wise to let her do the babysitting. His safety trumps her feelings and your husband's feelings about her. 

I hate to hear about your dad's health issues. I know that is tough on everyone, and especially your mother as a caretaker. If you have time before all of this happens, could a backup helper be lined up for your dad to ensure that your mom could come? 

Stand your ground. Protect your child. Good luck. 

WildFlower2350

Thanks all!  Hate to have this be a stressor already but at least I have time to figure it out.

mcclainv

My husband and I are 8 hours away from any relatives, and we're expecting our second. Our son will be 3, but we've got some great friends (with and without kids) who have graciously made themselves available. I think our go-to friends will be the friends who have a kid around our sons age. Family doesn't have to be blood related

momomsess

I lived far away from family when I had my second. My best friend watched my daughter, and it turned out really well.

MWoodside

We have family close on DH's side, but they are unreliable. For example, his sister was our person to watch DD1 when I went into labor with #2. Less than 12 hours after I had the baby, she called DH to say she was 'done' and needed him to come home so she could leave. Umm, ok bitch. I'll just stay alone with my baby her first night I guess. Thanks.

this time my mom is supposed to fly up, but who knows how that will all work out since she is across the country and who knows when I will have the baby.

we will ask our nanny to plan for it. But that is complicated too, since she has a son and it will still be school time.

honestly, I'm not worrying about it yet.

PeachyTeachy

Do you and DH both work?  Could you pay someone from daycare?
Do you go to church?  Would you trust a church member as a volunteer?
Are you in MOPs or a Moms Club?

Honestly if it were me I'd rather hire someone who's paid to care for my child exactly how I tell them to than to trust MIL after so many slip-ups.  I also wouldn't want to worry about my 2 year-old going into shock while I was on the operating table.

I feel your frustration though.  I developed a peanut allergy in college (never bothered me before that).  One day I ate a sandwich and went to the ER with hives in my mouth/throat/hands.  My mom still "forgets" about this allergy, 10 years later. I couldn't imagine having to put up with that crap if it was one of my kids--there would be a feud.  I'm amazed at your grace and understanding with MIL.

sqfibemom

We have zero family near us. The closest are 3 hours away. It's always worked out somehow haha! With DS I ended up having to have him closer to them due to his medical issues so they kept DD (and SO was there too). With DD2 my waters broke at 33 weeks so we just took the older two with us until a friend could grab them for the night. Then my parents came up and stayed with them (and SO went home at night to take care of them). Then they just stayed at the hospital with me every day while DD2 was in the NICU and went home with SO at night (he was working). DD1 was actually there when I delivered DD2.

You're having a section, so you'll probably have a decent amount of notice for people. I'd also start meal prepping so that IF MIL has to watch DS she won't have to cook any meals for him. I would also let her know that his allergies are not something to fuck around with and if she can't follow your instructions she won't be allowed to watch him unsupervised anymore.

Do you have any friends around who could watch him if need be?