@FTM53 I'm so sorry you're going through so much and all at once! You're doing a great job & I guarantee your LO knows he's lucky you're his mama. Keep your head up. I second PPs who have mentioned accepting help/a break over the holidays if it's offered. Sending hugs your way!
@FTM53 I'm so sorry you are struggling! Sleep deprivation is seriously torture. I hope you can convince your Husband to help when he is home. You are doing a great job and this will pass! Not sure if you follow Wonder Weeks or not, but this is what my LO was doing during leap 4. It was brutal and I cried every day. But it is over and we are back to a less clingy, better sleeping baby. I hope you can get some sleep!
Thank you, everyone. I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but I ended up in tears last night and DH decided that it couldn't go on like this and took LO, turned off the monitor, and told me to sleep. I have no clue how long DS cried/screamed, but I know he was safe and being loved. And I slept until my alarm went off. I have a much better outlook on life after getting more sleep that I have since I can't remember. Everything else will work out. With 6 hours of sleep, I am functioning enough to use my coping skills!
Welp, I made a post in here yesterday and now it's gone so I guess I will try this again.
I am hoping it's somewhat common to have a dip in your relationship with your partner after baby arrives. I am so tired of feeling like I am doing this on my own. My husband is gone a lot but when he is home the amount of help I get is minimal at best. DS has been super fussy at night for the last month or so. Sometimes he is just hungry and other times he needs to be rocked. Apparently I'm the only one capable of the rocking. This morning my husband asked why I never wake him up to help me...not even 5 minutes into rocking DS I hear him screeching and my husband saying "oh this is working great". Beyond that, laundry, cooking, cleaning, the shopping, etc are all on me. I get it. I'm at SAHM now and it all comes with "the job" but I don't feel like I should have to beg for help either. I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I do get an hr of me time during the week but I don't have friends or family in the area to help me when my husband is away. And due to the nature of my husbands job, the people i spend my time with are usually other wives of the guys he works with. By profession, I am a licensed clinician so I've been using my personal and professional skills to help cope the best I can. I have a hx of anxiety and depression, both of which I am trying my hardest to keep well managed without going on any medications. I just really needed to vent it all out.
@DachshundMomma I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and feel alone. I wanted to just let you know that I felt the same way and it was hurting my relationship too. So I sat down and told my husband I feel alone and have the burden of cleaning the house on top of taking care of our fussy baby all day and night. Just by telling him how I felt, he came around and has made a major improvement in my mood and our relationship. Some days I just tell him, sorry the house is a disaster I had a hard day with Q and he feels bad that I even tried to make cleaning a propriety. I think the SAHM job right now requires you to keep your infant happy and that's it! If you can't get to the cleaning, cooking, etc. then your husband should help out. It is a partnership after all! I sometimes think that since he works it's not fair to him, but it's really not fair to you to have such a burden right now, feel alone,and have the most important relationship that you are in suffer. Sorry I went on a rant, I just hope you can get him to help And give yourself some grace. Raising tiny humans is HARD!!! You're doing great
@DachshundMomma I feel like I could have written your post myself. Being a SAHM is so hard. I wouldn't have it any other way but man is it hard. My biggest thing lately is asking for help when I need it. Sometimes I need DH to be on duty just so I can clean up the house. He's working on being more available, and I'm working on communicating my needs.
@DachshundMomma I can definitely relate and sympathize with you. My husband can definitely be more than a little clueless from time to time when it comes to all L's constant needs. And how much all of those needs cut into any free time you have!!! I agree with having a good heart to heart. Maybe one evening once the baby goes to sleep try talking it out!! I wish you the best. I'm sure he'll be receiving and help out more!!
@DachshundMomma I know my hubby and I were at this point right before I was diagnosed with ppd. I just had a meltdown and we ended up having a heart to heart. since then he's made an extra effort to help me and do things around the house. The say having a baby makes things hard, but I never expected us to treat each other that way. I think he also assumed that being SAHM meant I had a ton of time to do whatever. I hope things improve!
@DachshundMomma I commented yesterday but it seems to have disappeared as well. I have the same sort of issues with my DH. I know our relationship will be fine but I get so frustrated when we're in the trenches. I'll do a load of laundry and it will be sitting in the basket for a week waiting to be folded because I haven't had the chance and it's like he can't see it sitting there. I think in general our partners don't understand what it's like to be the sole caregiver when they're gone. They don't get how exhausting it is to have a fussy baby cry in your ear all day and not know how to fix it, because they've never not been able to pass the baby back to us when it's too much for them. My guy won't nap unless he's on my boob, so if I can't do it one handed it's not getting done during the day. I feel like DH gets home and I pass off the baby and get as much done as I can until "the baby is hungry", but I never really get on top of anything and DH doesn't seem to notice.
The feminist in me really hates all this talk of "I'm a stay at home mom so keeping up the house is my job". It sucks we feel like we are failing at being a SAHM when we can't get everything done that June Cleaver would have. I am trying to keep in mind that SAHM is mom first. Everything else that I can manage to get done during the day beyond raising my child is a bonus. We are all doing an amazing job at one of the most important jobs there is. Let's stop feeling like we aren't doing enough!
@arhodes6 You couldn't be more right. We got railroaded into hosting Christmas dinner this year for my in-laws side and the pragmatist in me wants to tell them it's too much and we can't do it, but the other side feels like I need to host and kick ass at it to prove to everyone that I can be the perfect mother and hostess and juggle everything. There's so much societal pressure to show the world you have it all together. It's insane. Parenting is hard, and we all know it, so why do we only ever show each other the highlight reel?
@DachshundMomma It is completely normal! I had a breakdown this past weekend too. I was so exhausted I verbally snapped at the baby, then sat down on the family room floor and cried. After that, it finally clicked for DH that I needed help around the house. I stopped the "but he [DS] only calms down for you" a week or so ago too. DH said and I said "no, he doesn't just calm down for me. I just hold him while he screams" and DH said "really? Oh, I can do that".
And im not a SAHM and I still feel pressured to do everything and clean, and cook, and then time with LO is extra precious. Working mom or SAHM - mom comes first.
Thank you ladies! I am so glad I am not alone in this while thing. Being a mom is definitely the most challenging job I have ever had. It makes me feel better knowing I'm no the only one who struggles maintaining everything. I know I put a lot on my own shoulders and I definitely do not ask for help as much as I should. I ended up talking to DH yesterday because I just couldn't deal. He ended up helping out a lot yesterday while I made dinner for us and the guys in his unit. Hopefully we are heading in the right direction.
@DachshundMomma - I was feeling similarly before I went back to work. This culminated in a fight about how I felt he 'doesn't do anything' which of course was super hurtful to him. I read somewhere that it would be helpful to divide up specific chores (they suggested this before getting prego, haha), so I asked him to be in charge of trash, feeding dogs (which he already does), and our laundry, which was taking up a ridiculous amount of my time. I do babies laundry, most of the cleaning, and about 2/3 of dinners. He also insisted that we splurge on a babysitter some days when one or both of us is home so that we can catch up on life or maybe even hang out (gasp!). Sometimes I wish the laundry was done more quickly or my clothes were folded better, but I'm learning to let go and let him do it as we decided. Bringing it up also has led to him just generally being better about being available and taking her when she's fussy to give me breaks.
Is anybody having weird, intrusive thoughts? Like creepy? And they almost feel like a dream but I'm awake. I had this a bit during month one but it's come back now. One example is I was walking my dog and wearing my baby and I had a thoughts that somebody would shoot and kill me while my baby and dog were struggling. Yes I know this is weird. My ob referred me to get therapy and I have that scheduled. I'm a therapist and I don't take this shit lightly!!!! Just wondering if anybody else is getting these weird, creepy thoughts.
@austinjl I was having similar thoughts. I'd be laying in bed and just start thinking what if someone broke into our house and tried to kill me and the baby. I'd get myself so worked up I'd have to check all the rooms. It freaked me out, I'd have lots of self harm thoughts too. I never once acted on those thoughts though because I knew in myself that there was something wrong with me. I checked in with my doctor and the first thing she wanted to try was to change my pill and to give me some sleeping tablets. The sleeping tablets made me worse, I was having crazy vivid nightmares. The change of pill helped hugely, I haven't had one crazy thought since.
@austinjl I have crazy thoughts too! I have thought that people are breaking in to steal my baby and have walked the house in the middle of the night checking doors. I wake up a million times a night to check my monitor to make sure he is still there and I picture what I would do if I saw someone take him from his crib while I'm looking at the monitor. I think it's pretty normal to have a little anxiety about loosing your baby, but if you think it's a little much. Postpartum anxiety is real and can be treated if it gets out of hand
Re: Postpartum mental health check in and PPD/PPA support
I am hoping it's somewhat common to have a dip in your relationship with your partner after baby arrives. I am so tired of feeling like I am doing this on my own. My husband is gone a lot but when he is home the amount of help I get is minimal at best. DS has been super fussy at night for the last month or so. Sometimes he is just hungry and other times he needs to be rocked. Apparently I'm the only one capable of the rocking. This morning my husband asked why I never wake him up to help me...not even 5 minutes into rocking DS I hear him screeching and my husband saying "oh this is working great". Beyond that, laundry, cooking, cleaning, the shopping, etc are all on me. I get it. I'm at SAHM now and it all comes with "the job" but I don't feel like I should have to beg for help either. I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I do get an hr of me time during the week but I don't have friends or family in the area to help me when my husband is away. And due to the nature of my husbands job, the people i spend my time with are usually other wives of the guys he works with. By profession, I am a licensed clinician so I've been using my personal and professional skills to help cope the best I can. I have a hx of anxiety and depression, both of which I am trying my hardest to keep well managed without going on any medications. I just really needed to vent it all out.
I think in general our partners don't understand what it's like to be the sole caregiver when they're gone. They don't get how exhausting it is to have a fussy baby cry in your ear all day and not know how to fix it, because they've never not been able to pass the baby back to us when it's too much for them.
My guy won't nap unless he's on my boob, so if I can't do it one handed it's not getting done during the day. I feel like DH gets home and I pass off the baby and get as much done as I can until "the baby is hungry", but I never really get on top of anything and DH doesn't seem to notice.
There's so much societal pressure to show the world you have it all together. It's insane. Parenting is hard, and we all know it, so why do we only ever show each other the highlight reel?
And im not a SAHM and I still feel pressured to do everything and clean, and cook, and then time with LO is extra precious. Working mom or SAHM - mom comes first.
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DS#1 July 2016
Baby #2 July 2018