Feeling like a failure — The Bump
March 2016 Moms

Feeling like a failure

tiana&tetratiana&tetra member
First Comment Photogenic
edited July 2016 in March 2016 Moms
Here lately, I've felt mostly like I'm sinking. My husband is working long hours and most of the time we do spend together I am exhausted. This makes me irritable and I am extremely sensitive. My little one is a very sweet and in most ways an easy baby to take care of. She isn't colicky, she's not a big fusser, and she sleeps a good block between 7pm to 2:30 am but I can't seem to sleep then. And by time I can finally bring myself to rest and to sleep she is awake and she needs to be changed or fed or the other usual baby needs. So then I get my mom to take her and I'm running on three hours of sleep a day. And I can't seem to get hired anywhere and sometimes not all the bills are met... And then she needed diapers... And I'm sinking and nothing I'm doing is feeling like it's enough. Our place isn't a wreck but it isn't clean completely either and I don't feel I have the energy. And I feel more and more like my husband isn't in my corner because he doesn't seem to see or care how much I try to do for us all. I'm unable to financially care for her, I'm partly incapable of caring for her because I'm tired all the time, and because of that I'm feeling like a failure at life. And I don't know how to change any of it because I am essentially powerless because I can't make someone hire me and I can't seem to get me husband to change more than two days in a row because I apparently don't encourage him to do so enough (where is my thanks my encouragement my dues?!) and I can't seem to get any rest because my mom only takes her for so long... I'm just failing.
Anyone have any advice? Words of wisdom or something?

Re: Feeling like a failure

  • You are not failing at all. You had a baby and you're taking care of her. Every day is an adjustment and a learning experience. Take all the help you can get from who ever will give. If it's not your husband but is your mom then take it. When she cries hold her if her crying is too much then take the help. When she smiles embrace it and love it. Know that means your doing everything right. If the house is messy then it's messy. A mess will always be there but this stage of life won't. Some day she'll be grown up and having babies of her own and you'll get to be her help. So take the time with her love it and cherish it. Take the help you can get and realize you are lucky that you have that. Sleep when you can. Ask your some
    one to watch her while you get a half hour of sleep. Don't worry soon you won't feel so tired. As crazy as it sounds some day you'll miss those 230am wake up calls. Just know this you are NOT failing. 
  • You are not failing at all. You had a baby and you're taking care of her. Every day is an adjustment and a learning experience. Take all the help you can get from who ever will give. If it's not your husband but is your mom then take it. When she cries hold her if her crying is too much then take the help. When she smiles embrace it and love it. Know that means your doing everything right. If the house is messy then it's messy. A mess will always be there but this stage of life won't. Some day she'll be grown up and having babies of her own and you'll get to be her help. So take the time with her love it and cherish it. Take the help you can get and realize you are lucky that you have that. Sleep when you can. Ask your some
    one to watch her while you get a half hour of sleep. Don't worry soon you won't feel so tired. As crazy as it sounds some day you'll miss those 230am wake up calls. Just know this you are NOT failing. 
    All of this! My LO is EBF and so I never really got motn help, and my SO works pretty much all day and family doesn't usually come over and when they do its not usually to help me, they just want to interact with my son. Some days I felt terrible and beyond exhausted, but then my LO started sleeping longer stretches and I started to feel better! Keep pushing through and you will make it and it will get better, I promise!
  • Thanks. It does help to see at least a few have been in the same boat. And I am cherishing every second with her. It helps to read that she will eventually sleep more.
  • It will get better and trust me we've all been there and will get to be there again at some point again in their lives. if it makes you feel better the other day I  was trying to get my two year old and my three month old and two dogs ready to go for a walk. No one would cooperate with me and I was getting so upset probably due to lack of sleep that I left all four in the house stepped out in the garage screamed on the top of my lungs then started crying. Afterwards I felt much better haha.   
    That was only one day one moment. I know it'll get better but man there are days when I'm exhausted all day. 
    tiana&tetra
  • Im sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed! You are definitely not a failure! Motherhood is hard, especially in the beginning.  When LO was 3 weeks old, my DH went back to work and I got up every 3 hours in the night by myself and took care of LO all day.  I was exhausted! But now LO sleeps pretty much through the night. Eventually your baby will sleep longer stretches. Canyou try to catch a nap when baby is napping? In the evenings, take a warm bath to help you relax,  and to take some time for yourself. Dont worry about a messy house.  Like others said, there will always be a mess to clean, but babies wont be babies for long! Try to focus on the good times, when baby is smiling and happy, and savor the cuddles. Financially,  are there bills you can cut out or reduce, even if temporary till you get hired? For example satellite tv, expensive phone plans, etc? I know its hard, and super stressful to have money worries. But try to think that right now you get to be at home with your sweet baby and watch her grow and learn! You should talk to your husband about how you are feeling and that you need some more help. Keep letting your mom watch the baby and try to take a little time for yourself each day. And on hard days, just keep thinking that this too shall pass. Hang in there mama, you are doing great!
    tiana&tetra
  • Like everyone else said, this will soon pass. You are NOT failing, you are doing your very best right now to provide for your daughter, and she won't know or remember if you're struggling or stressed, all she knows is that she has a loving mother who provides her with shelter, clothing, and a full belly. Take some comfort knowing that she won't ever remember this part of life. It sounds to me like you are doing you very best, and that's all anyone should expect of you. Take time to yourself when you can, talk to your husband and explain to him everything you've said here. Maybe seek some guidance or counseling. I know that can be expensive, but maybe a pastor nearby could help? Idk if you're religious or not, but I'm sure someone would be willing to help regardless. Also, churches will sometimes help moms and families who can't get what they need, don't be afraid to get help if you can't afford diapers for your baby. As someone else said, maybe evaluate your bills and see if there is anything that could be cut or reduced. Use less AC if you have it, or turn it up when you leave (70 when we're home but 75 when we're out so it doesn't kick on as much).

    I know this is tough right now, but you can survive this. Hugs momma ❤️
    DS1 born 2/28/16
    DS2 due 12/12/18

  • OP, Idk uf you've heard of Usbourne books or not? Its a company that sells awesome children's books. Its a direct sales company (like Mary Kay, Avon, Pampered Chef). My cousin recently became a sales consultant and I hosted a party....best part is it was all online througb Facebook. She is also on maternity leave and is hoping to be able to quit to stay home. She makes on average $100 a party (consultants make 25% commission off of book sales). Anyway she said it only takes her about 20 minutes to prepare for each online party (the party is basically she posts several company videos that talk about the books and at the end, people can ask questions and order books from a website). She has been doing it for about 2 months and she said she makes $800 a month. Idk if this is something you would be interested in doing,  but its an option if you really need some extra money! If you are interested,  you should ask a consultant if you know one and they can get you started (Or I can put you in touch with my cousin through her Facebook site). My cousin asked me if I was interested,  but Im not sure if I would have enough time to do parties while working full time. The books are really great too, I bought some for my LO and I love them. Anyway, you were on my mind and I wanted to share this with you in case it might be helpful. :)
  • nicolepelarnicolepelar member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its First Anniversary Photogenic
    edited July 2016
    This post just hit so close to my heart. You're NOT a failure. Not at all. Having a new baby, especially if it's your first, comes with its on set of stresses and issues. I was feeling the same exact way myself not so long ago and I just had to shut everyone out and do my own thing. I already have a hard time falling and staying asleep and my DD doesn't help so I feel your pain. I also stopped breastfeeding because it drained so much of my energy and I had zero interest in doing anything but trying get to get sleep. And my husband and I also just had a huge blow up yesterday actually about the same thing. He works long days and then comes home angry because of whatever happened at work. I also am unemployed and constantly tried to find something to do from home cause we can't afford day care and don't have able bodied family members to help. I actually just started selling Usborne children's books and although I won't get rich from it but any income, big or small, is better than nothing at all and if you have questions about becoming a consultant ill be happy to help. Oh And prayer. I do a lot of praying. 
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