Am I overreacting?

loveymay

Im an April 16 mama, but this board seems to still be active, so I thought I would ask here. Hope you mamas dont mind! 

In a nutshell, MIL babysat last weekend for the first time. LO is 3 months old. I brought his portable bassinet (its flat with mesh sides) and his sleepsack. We stopped swaddling arms in, so now we just use the sleepsack as a blanket with his arms out. His bedtime is 7:00. Well she didnt use the bassinet,  she put him on her bed and surrounded him with pillows and gave him a blanket. She didnt use the sleepsack. He woke up at 10:45 to eat, and instead of putting him back to sleep, she kept him up and played with him. We picked him up at 12:30 and he was wide awake and fussing. We got home and dealt with him screaming until 2:00 in the morning from being over tired. 

He is rolling easily to his side and can roll back to tummy sometimes with effort. Am I overreacting aboit her putting him on her bed with pillows and a blanket to sleep? And not using the things we brought for him to use? I know Im not overreacting aboit her keeping him awake, that is just ridiculous! I feel like she is not respecting my wishes, and I am concerned with sids and the safety of my baby, and Im not comfortable with him being om a bed with pillows and a blanket. I havent said anything to her, but I will be firm about it the next time she babysits (which won't be anytime soon!). I just wanted to hear perspective from other mamas. Thanks!

Lusitano8

Welcome. You are totally within your bounds imo: I think 3 months is totally normal to be concerned with SIDS. 

Were you very clear with your mil about how to put him to sleep? Older generations would put babies to sleep on their tummies and there was less of a public health message about sids. I would make sure you tell her why you use no pillows and blankets around you LO. I think you and your hubby need to be on board together about the boundaries for anyone watching your baby. And be explicit that anyone watching him needs to respect your wishes. 

evalynn24

I don't think you are overreacting at all! On her bed is one thing, but surrounded by pillows and a blanket...I would be furious with her. You have a routine and she needs to respect that. If she doesn't understand and listen to you then she shouldn't be babysitting.

balamama

I would be irate with my MIL if she did that. I'd tell DH how upset I was and all the reasons why and let him know that if she wants to watch the baby again she has to follow the rules we set out or we will find someone else to babysit. Stick to your guns on this one - safety is so important and so is your peace of mind. 

tgortney

You're not overreacting at all. I would be furious! You are right with your mom instincts on this one.

JessicaB0627

babyfmama said:

I would be irate with my MIL if she did that. I'd tell DH how upset I was and all the reasons why and let him know that if she wants to watch the baby again she has to follow the rules we set out or we will find someone else to babysit. Stick to your guns on this one - safety is so important and so is your peace of mind. 

This. My MIL isn't allowed to babysit after a few incidences of her not respecting us as parents and doing things we explicitly told her not to do. She was letting my 10 month old have sips of coffee and gave her eggs at the same age after I told her that she could not have eggs until she was 1. You guys are the parents and you need to set those boundaries very early on. 

mrstmoose

You're not overreacting at all. If any of our parents did that, they would not be allowed to watch our LO until they were well passed the SIDS stage. As in, probably a year old because that would really piss me off. 

basedinaustria

No way you're overreacting. I would have a word to my MIL if that happened. She has to respect your wishes. It is not okay to just do whatever you want with somebody else's baby, even if it's your grandchild. It's YOUR baby, so it's your rules. 

lionstigersbears

Agree with everything already said. It'd be one thing if she did these things and you realized "oh crap, times have changed, I should have provided instructions for how to safely put my child to sleep because she's not informed!" Id still talk to her about expectations next time In that scenario, but it sounds like she explicitly went against your expressed wishes regarding safe infant sleep and the routine you've established. My mom actually has done something similar--when I was a few days PP she took the baby for me after her morning feeding. I woke up to find my mom asleep in the guest room with baby propped on a pillow facing her and just ridiculously unsafe. I grabbed the baby, said if I wanted the baby to be cosleeping at that age (I didn't) then I would have kept her in my own bed and not accepted her offer to hold her. I was furious and my mom just didn't understand the issue, so I stopped letting her be involved in sleep. Basically it drives me crazy that older generations fall back on the whole "I kept you alive didn't I? And you turned out great!" Even when we explain was research and tragedy have taught us about infant safety with sleep, car seats, etc. I've told my parents I'm grateful for that but that it seems like my generation survived despite all the crazy shit our parents did!

camillaandcarson

So much no. Not over reacting.
This shows she doesn't respect you as a mother. 
What if a baby sitter did this? Would you keep the sitter? 
 
Here is a DWIL (dealing with in laws) board. 
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

lizChesnut

It's a grandparents right to spoil the kids against parents wishes. .....when they're old enough to enjoy it AND...MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!when safety isn't an issue!!!

kitandcat

I think it depends on the conversations you've had previously... If you didn't have a direct conversation about what you expected and what was appropriate then I would cut her some slack. My mom is young, in her early 50s, and a nurse, and she still has no idea what the updated baby rules are. My MIL is even more behind the times. I had to have convos with them about how serious MH and I were about sleep rules and I shared statistics and data with them so they understood why the rules have changed. If they had done something after that, they would be in serious trouble with me, but before having those conversations they were seriously in the dark about it all. So if she was in the know about all this, I would definitely never let her babysit again! You can't trust someone with your baby who goes against what you tell them!! She needs to earn some serious trust back before you could leave the baby with her again. 

loveymay

Thanks for all the replies! I had a conversation with her once about baby sleeping on his back. He takes supervised naps on his tummy (only way he will sleep longer than 20 min right now, I sit next to him on the couch) and she said something along the lines of we all survived sleeping on our tummies as babies. And I firmly told her that he will continue being supervised on his tummy and at night will be laid down on his back. When we dropped him off with her to babysit, Igave her the bassinet and DH told her she could put the bassinet on the bed. I also explained how the halo sleepsack works and told her not to swaddle his arms in since he is rolling now, and to keep his arms free. So she had instructions,  but I didnt realize I would need to tell her that these things are mandatory and not optional. If I go into detail about the items Ive brought, logically one would think the person would understand that means they are supposed to use those items. "Here's his bed, you can put it on your bed.....here's his sleepsack, here is how you use it." I will just have to let her know in the future, that I insist she does what we instruct,  and go one step further by saying "heres his sleepsack, please use it and do not put a loose blanket on him because he can kick it over his face and suffocate." The bassinet thing still blows my mind. I provided a bed for the baby. She puts him on her bed and knowing he can roll, put pillows all around him to keep him from rolling off the bed. I just dont understand her logic. But thanks for validating my concerns! Sometimes I feel like I come across as overprotective and anal about these things, but im his mommy and its my.job to keep him safe!

wsgjmw1

I would be downright furious and upset. MIL needs to respect you and DH when it comes to your child. If that was my situation MIL would not be watching my baby until DH had a chat with her. I would give her another chance to redeem herself but if she failed again to respect our wishes she would be done. Sorry not sorry not playing any games when it comes to my precious baby. 

balamama

loveymay said:

 Sometimes I feel like I come across as overprotective and anal about these things, but im his mommy and its my.job to keep him safe!

My MIL makes me feel like I'm being way too over the top with my instructions.. I left LO with her and my FIL for a few hours at 5 weeks old and left notes on how to soothe him during his witching hour and how to prepare his bottle (both of which were necessary for the time period I was leaving him with her especially since I know she has pretty low confidence in caring for a newborn). When I got home she showed me that she had marked up my notes with practically minute by minute updates ("7:52: drifting off to sleep! 7:58: eyes popped open, awake ") as if I'm a psychopath and expected that of her. It kind of annoyed me but you know what, as long as she's following instructions on how to take care of my precious baby she can tell her friends I'm nuts all she wants.