Dad in the delivery room?

KarismaAnn

I need an honest opinion. I'm having a really hard time emotionally with my pregnancy. It's my first one and my husband and I are not communicating well and it's adding tension.

To make matters worse, he's the type to make stupid jokes to deal with tense situations and is very squeamish. He's already said he's afraid of throwing up or passing out during labor.

We've agreed that it'll be better for him to stay by the head of the bed and not see anything that's going on down there. I'm okay with this part, however, the closer we get and the more nervous he gets the more insensitive jokes he makes and the more emotional I get.

I'm already thinking that if he makes a joke during labor I may actually ask to have him removed from the room completely. Am I heartless for thinking of not including him in his child's birth? Has anyone else ever been here? Help please!

BecauseBabyIamAPug

Goes into post, looks around, realize there is not way I can respond and not get warned/banned, back out of post.

thepen15ismighty

As someone who makes these types of jokes when placed in nervous situations where I may or may not be comfortable, cut your husband some slack. 

YeezusButters

elenabrent

Week of 5/23 Randoms

Nerdchild

....you can always just kick him out if he sticks his foot in his mouth. Personally, I think you need to establish now that your husband needs to adult-up at some point in this whole 'parenting' thing. He may as well start now. 

Remember that you knew who your were marrying. You knew who you were making a kid with.

And for the sake of the nursing staff, if he feels like he is going to vomit or pass out, he absolutely need to leave and compose himself. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Edit: Thanks, bump for eating 95% of my response. Rude. 

thepen15ismighty

PinkLady2015

Why not tell him now that if he says anything even remotely not supportive you'll ask to have him leave. You need to be having this discussion before you're squeezing a kid out of your vagina.

allthingscozy

Welcome random lurker who has never posted ever... 

This is your husband's child as well not just yours. Yes you have to do the hard part but this is very difficult for first time dads as well. They are going in blind they don't know what to expect. So yes cut him some slack. 

You chose to have a child together so bring this child into the world together. Tell him ahead of time
your expectations but I think it's pretty unfair to want to punish him and banish him from the room because of how he handles anxiety

kim1989

This saddens me since there's so many women that can't have their partners in the room for one reason or another. My DH had to be out of the country when my second child was born so I went it alone, this time I'll be making the most out him being there. 

You our definitely have to talk this through beforehand and if he feels sick or something he has to man up and compose himself, the day will not be about him 

Puddles03

And you chose to procreate with him? Good luck, sounds like you're going to need it!

chels0120

It may be very beneficial for you to seek couples counseling as this issue is going to go far beyond the delivery room

thepen15ismighty

Puddles03 said:

And you chose to procreate with him? Good luck, sounds like you're going to need it!

My husband is a little squeamish, should I have not decided to have a child with him? This response is really un-needed and frankly rude.

elenabrent

I pass out at the sight of my own blood and make a never ending stream of inappropriate remarks. I probably shouldn't be allowed at this birth. Maybe my husband will do it for me?

LadyFleck

I had an over-anxious, inappropriate, dickhead of a partner the first time I gave birth and we fought for weeks/months about his hospital-induced anxiety and how he wouldn't be allowed in the room if he couldn't keep his shit together. 

In retrospect I was a total Bitch for perpetuating unnecessary stress during my pregnancy bc when it came down to it, he was there, he handled himself well, did everything that was asked of him, and manned up exactly as was needed. It would've been disappointing to both of us had he not been there. 

Youll be fine. And nurses/staff are equipped to advocate on your behalf to help him be what you need him to be. But it's his kid too, not yours. Lighten up. 

Also, please post in Randoms or UO threads for this type of topic in the future. We like our boards clean. 

DominiqueU

I'm looking forward to my husband's inappropriate comments during birth... His stupid comments are one of the reasons I married him. 

Also, there's a good chance he'll pass out. He often gets queasy when watching them take blood from me and has passed out while giving blood and when he got the flu shot... I had to drive him home (2 blocks) after we both got our tdap shots.  My mom and my sister will also be in the room. I'm just hoping one of them catch him if he does down.  

Give the the guy a break. Childbirth is gross and awkward and people deal in different ways. If it really upsets you, tell him now. He might not even realize that he does it or that it makes you uncomfortable. 

addyplusone

Lurker alert.. 
It is your husbands baby too.. He has EVERY right to be in that room with you. You married him and created that baby together..? My DH said those same things and REGULARLY makes ridiculous jokes that I don't find funny but he was the best support system when it came to having her.. he even watched the whole thing go down and didn't get sick or faint. He did get a tad pale, but pulled himself together. 

I also agree if you have concerns, you need to discuss them calmly BEFORE you go into labor. 

blackgirlmagic

I already know that my husband is going to be making jokes while I am in labor. That is who is he. But I know m husband well enough that if I am going through a strong contraction or something that he will be there to support me, no matter what that is, and not cracking jokes. He knows that their is a place and time for that. And if he misses my cue of me needing him in a serious moment you just use your words and communicate with your husband with what you need from him. 
Did you ever think about how your husband is feeling with you getting close to your due date whenever that is since we don't know anything about you? Maybe his breakdown in communication is his way of being nervous about what is to come? I am not saying that his lack of communication is acceptable but just think about him for once during this process. 

Cosmic+Love

Neither of you are being heartless. You're both dealing with a lot of emotions about the upcoming delivery and are expressing them in different ways. Even life's most exciting, happy times cause stress. When the time comes, I doubt you will want him removed from the room and I doubt he will be making crude comments.

Woosah, mama.

Kellyj103

My husband and I both make inappropriate comments does that mean neither one of us should be in the delivery room? I'm glad for the innappropriate comments becauss I'm sure we will both be nervous and scared and will need the distraction.

I think you're being insensitive to his needs. Maybe that's how he copes through stressful situations. I agree with everyone else that you need to have a serious conversation with him before you start kicking him out of the room during labor. 

Nerdchild

elenabrent said:

I pass out at the sight of my own blood and make a never ending stream of inappropriate remarks. I probably shouldn't be allowed at this birth. Maybe my husband will do it for me?

I want this option please. 

MamaBish

PinkLady2015 said:

Why not tell him now that if he says anything even remotely not supportive you'll ask to have him leave. You need to be having this discussion before you're squeezing a kid out of your vagina.

This. If you are having a kid with this person, you should be able to have a conversation with him about this.

deuxbouledogues

Kellyj103 said:

My husband and I both make inappropriate comments does that mean neither one of us should be in the delivery room? I'm glad for the innappropriate comments becauss I'm sure we will both be nervous and scared and will need the distraction.

I think you're being insensitive to his needs. Maybe that's how he copes through stressful situations. I agree with everyone else that you need to have a serious conversation with him before you start kicking him out of the room during labor. 

Same! I am already giddy/terrified for the stream of crap that will likely come out of both our mouths. I never thought anything of it....?!

MamaBish

Fun story pertaining to this:

during my c-section, I was terrified, and DH always tries to be funny. He decided to make a joke about me being like the board game Operation. He then proceeded to make the beeping sounds like the game. The surgeons seemed to find it funny, I was just embarrassed, lol

However, that's just the way he is, and I wouldn't want him any other way.

PootsDragon

We hired a bossy snarky hilarious doula for this reason. My DH and I always make inappropriate jokes together and he totally passes out with blood. We straight up told the doula her main job is to keep us in line- help me physically, joke when appropriate and tell DH when to shut it down and how to be helpful when ish gets real, and keep an eye out if DH is looking pale so he doesn't pass out and fall down. Doulas are fantastic people especially if you guys know yourselves and know what kind of support you're looking for. I'd say hiring a doula could be the difference between an enjoyable experience and an ugly one. Consider it.

YeezusButters

Since people are legitimately responding to your question, I will do the same.

My husband is inappropriate when things get a little out of hand and hates anything related to blood, etc. He was a trooper during my delivery. He saw the amount of pain I was in and he shut his mouth. He was NOTHING but supportive and he even held my leg and watched our son come out. He cut the cord. He did amazing.

Maybe yours will surprise you, too.

PrimRoseMama

1.) Even at he head of the bed he will see your vagina. You are curled up like a cannonball with your knees by your ears to push. Its part of labor. He will have to get over it, for real.

2.) If he makes insensitive jokes you won't care. You'll be working on birthing a baby. Not a whole lot else will matter.

mandyjulie

PrimRoseMama said:

1.) Even at he head of the bed he will see your vagina. You are curled up like a cannonball with your knees by your ears to push. Its part of labor. He will have to get over it, for real.

My husband couldn't see anything, he was sitting by my head holding my hand. And he just kind of focused on my face. Not that I don't agree with you about just getting over it, but it seems fairly possible to avoid seeing much. The people who got the REAL treat were my mom and MIL, who got there shortly after the birth. They got the joy of walking in and seeing me get stitched up! Must have been just beautiful.

GinnyJ2012

Lurking: My husband is very squeamish. I was worried he'd pass out during labor, and he really hates needles. I sent him out of the room when I got my epidural, and he got some fresh air. He amazed me during delivery, 4 hours of pushing and he was solid all the way through. Later he said that the adrenaline in the moment helped him push through the nausea that usually comes with the sight of seeing blood. He even cut the cord. 

Have a talk with him about your worries, and desires for labor. He may surprise you though. 

PootsDragon

Also though who even are you even? If you want to receive support it's courtesy that you also show up to give support. Get a recognizable avatar and join in or bump at your own risk...

LadyFleck

She hasn't even logged in since 5/26. I call troll. 

thepen15ismighty

Alright, no more responding to these posts. We have to stick to this ladies or this is just going to continue. Someone post the correct link site and then that's it. We're getting way to many rando's in here now. 

kwife15

Talk to him ahead of time. Making stupid jokes can be his way of releasing tension and he probably doesn't mean anything personal by them. You might also be way too in the zone to care when in labor. If it gets so bad that you need to have him removed, nurses are your friends. Good luck OP!

LadyFleck

thepen15ismighty said:

Alright, no more responding to these posts. We have to stick to this ladies or this is just going to continue. Someone post the correct link site and then that's it. We're getting way to many rando's in here now. 

@kwife15

audmomout

Well, since this is a public forum and @kwife15 didn't break any rules by posting (other than those made up by a few here), I'm going to reply to OP as well.

I don't think excluding him from the birth is the best idea.  As several other posters have mentioned, it is really important to have this conversation with him before you hit the delivery room.  True, everyone deals with stress differently, but he needs to know how to support you best and vice versa.  This is a dramatic life event for both of you.  

Sometime when you're both calm, spell it out.  Guys aren't great at the hints we drop.  You can say something along the lines of "I know you're just joking, but when it's actually time to pop this kid out, I'm going to need your full support by you doing [x].  What do you need from me?"

DSTtots4lyfe

GinnyJ2012 said:

Lurking: My husband is very squeamish. I was worried he'd pass out during labor, and he really hates needles. I sent him out of the room when I got my epidural, and he got some fresh air. He amazed me during delivery, 4 hours of pushing and he was solid all the way through. Later he said that the adrenaline in the moment helped him push through the nausea that usually comes with the sight of seeing blood. He even cut the cord. 

Have a talk with him about your worries, and desires for labor. He may surprise you though. 

100% This. You're not heartless for letting the thought run through your head, but it's not an option. Anxiety about labor is normal, but this may be a great opportunity for you to appreciate his ability to step up. Give him a chance.

PootsDragon

Oh look who decided to pop in.

thepen15ismighty

PootsDragon said:

Oh look who decided to pop in.

Their board must really be dead if they're coming over here. How sad.

crdo

OP, I agree with @JunerTot, @kwife15, and a number of PPs that it's worth having a discussion with your husband about this issue.

My husband has a tendency to joke to lighten tense situations, since humor is a way for him to deal. Perhaps yours is similar? So, while I love H's sense of humor, I've explained that especially during L&D I need him to support me they way I need to be supported, without jokes, not the way he would like to be supported or the way he thinks I need support.

Calmly explain how his joking during labor would make you feel, etc, and hopefully he'll have a better understanding of how to best help you through L&D. Additionally, maybe you'll come out of the discussion with a better understanding of how he's dealing with the drama of impending delivery and can get through it all the better when the time comes.

mamafox14

thepen15ismighty said:

PootsDragon said:

Oh look who decided to pop in.

Their board must really be dead if they're coming over here. How sad.

To comment on a thread under the guise of answering OPs question despite the fact that OP posted and disappeared...

thepen15ismighty

**Removed for TOU violation**