@BabyVB118 thank you for your understanding. Please continue to be active and reapply later! We want to include as many people as possible, we're just trying to stay troll and catfish free!
The main reason that other board was even created was because of the user oakleypoozle. We didn't feel comfortable posting about our lives or posting our opinions because she was reporting people for simply saying things she didn't agree with. There were several ladies that didn't do anything wrong that just randomly got banned.
The new board is just like this one except we don't live in fear of being kicked for no reason. If you're interested in joining the other group then ask to join it. If you want to talk to the mods they are missameliapond aquasocks likeicanteven comealongponds and mrsdho11. Every person has an equal opportunity to be added. If you want to be mad at someone about the new board, be mad at oakley.
I'm sorry this thread became what is has. Bummer. I didn't want drama, I simply didn't know there was another board. I saw references to private messages but no outright "here's the deal" and I didn't have time to go through all the threads to investigate further, I apologize.
I think maybe it would have saved all these feelings if a new thread would have been started to state what was going on, these are the mods, this is how it'll work etc etc... Then it would be easier to find and everyone would have been in the loop all at once. Perhaps it would have alleviated these "secret" and "private" feelings women are getting.
I think that's pretty fair.
Please know, I don't have my back up saying this. I truly don't have my feelings hurt. I just think some things could have went differently, and maybe some ladies would feel better.
I'm sorry this thread became what is has. Bummer. I didn't want drama, I simply didn't know there was another board. I saw references to private messages but no outright "here's the deal" and I didn't have time to go through all the threads to investigate further, I apologize.
I think maybe it would have saved all these feelings if a new thread would have been started to state what was going on, these are the mods, this is how it'll work etc etc... Then it would be easier to find and everyone would have been in the loop all at once. Perhaps it would have alleviated these "secret" and "private" feelings women are getting.
I think that's pretty fair.
Please know, I don't have my back up saying this. I truly don't have my feelings hurt. I just think some things could have went differently, and maybe some ladies would feel better.
Edit: typo
As it has been said AD NAUSEAM in this thread, the group was only recently created. Rules, vetting process, etc., have all been cobbled together as we go. We have no intention of posting an announcement about it. Everyone who was around and actively involved in the event that sparked the creation of the group was aware of it at the time. It's not our responsibility to hold anyone's hand on this board. If you're grown enough to have a baby, you're grown enough to read through a pregnancy forum on your own.
A second board was started by a group of women that felt like N16 was no longer a fun and safe place to post about their pregnancies. They by no means had to invite or accept anyone to said group. But they chose to and they came up with the fairest process they could think of to make this happen.
I was was actually away for a week when this happened. Once I got back, I realized things were amiss on this board and started hunting around to find out what happened. It wasn't that hard to find threads that mentioned a new board.
I understand people feel left out but you also have to do your own due diligence and figure out what's going on. No one is owed an invite, especially if you're a self proclaimed lurker who doesn't post regularly. Come on ladies, we're adults. If you want to join, join. If you're not accepted keep posting here and try again soon. It's not that hard! Stop blaming the amazing ladies that tried to create a new and safe place for us all to post away from the one poster who made this an unwelcome place for many.
Let me try to be clear one last time. I'm not accusing anyone of purposefully being hurtful. I've been on both sides this situation which is why I 100% just want those who left to stop and think about what position you have put the rest of the board in. Instead of getting defensive and acting like you're the victims of some horrible crime, try to put yourselves in our shoes. I totally and completely understand why it was done but others might not. To some who haven't been active here, for whatever reason, they didn't do anything wrong but they aren't being allowed an opportunity to participate because all of the active members have left. Maybe some of you come back and lurk(we can't see you lurking), occasionally chime in, but ultimately this board has died off drastically. So those who haven't been invited to the private group because they were lurkers before or because they just got here and literally have not had the chance to participate feel liked they aren't good enough or that they are being excluded for whatever reason. I'm not asking that everyone be allowed in. I'm just saying that you have created the perception that it is an exclusive group and I'm asking for some empathy. Don't abandon us and expect us not to be hurt by it. Being an adult doesn't negate having feelings. But part of being an adult is also recognizing and acknowledging that others do have feelings as well. Everything I have said to this subject has simply been a plea for some empathy and respect for those who are being treated as lesser members because of a standard that was set by a private group without consideration for circumstances beyond anyone's control.
Many of us still lurk or participate here, though we do so cautiously for the reasons previously stated. The internet is a huge place, and just because a small sect of this group has formed another, smaller group it doesn't mean this BMB can't still be enjoyable and fulfilling. There are 18 pages of introductions on this BMB, I'd guess the 80ish of us that are in the private group account for maybe three or four of those pages. And new people will join the BMB all the time. Take some ownership of the BMB if you're unhappy with the way things have been going lately, don't expect others to take charge for you. When this group started, a handful of people took charge and organized this place. Just because our activity has died down some, doesn't mean any of you can't step up and take over. Don't see a thread you want? Start it! Think the board is getting boring? Lurk other boards for fun threads to start. We're all grown ups, you're free to do as you please.
This. Seriously. The whining (not just on this thread) that this board is boring now that the "regulars" have "left" is ridiculous. Create your own threads then! Why is it anyone else's responsibility to entertain you.
I can only speak for myself here, but wanted to chime in.
I've been lurking, posting somewhat, since the day I got my BFP. I thought I had posted enough, requested to join the private group, and was "denied" (I hate using that word, because I know it's not a rejection or a true denial) and encouraged to post more.
I've been in lurking mode so long it's been hard for me to post more, but I'm trying. I'm not going to be someone who posts a pic in HDBD, because I'm not comfortable with that. But I will make an effort to contribute to discussions, so that new people coming in to Nov 16 have things to read and participate in.
I completely understand why the private group was created, and I plan on requesting to join later on once I've posted more. I didn't take my non-entry at this time as a rejection, or a denial, just a friendly reminder to post more and be more involved! Post what you're comfortable posting, use the community for what it is and help it become more for others.
I guess what my pregnancy brain is trying to say is this: Yes, a bunch of people left. Board has gotten a bit dead. This happens on SO MANY OTHER boards for whatever reason. We know the reason for this. Keep posting, keep being involved, choose to join the private group or not, but instead of complaining that the board is dead and everyone left, just post. I don't feel like a lesser member for not being automatically granted entry into a group where, it was made clear from day one, what the intent was. I feel like someone who hasn't established myself on this board, and I am rectifying that, because it has been so helpful and so beneficial to me (especially when I was in the throes of HG).
I can only speak for myself here, but wanted to chime in.
I've been lurking, posting somewhat, since the day I got my BFP. I thought I had posted enough, requested to join the private group, and was "denied" (I hate using that word, because I know it's not a rejection or a true denial) and encouraged to post more.
I've been in lurking mode so long it's been hard for me to post more, but I'm trying. I'm not going to be someone who posts a pic in HDBD, because I'm not comfortable with that. But I will make an effort to contribute to discussions, so that new people coming in to Nov 16 have things to read and participate in.
I completely understand why the private group was created, and I plan on requesting to join later on once I've posted more. I didn't take my non-entry at this time as a rejection, or a denial, just a friendly reminder to post more and be more involved! Post what you're comfortable posting, use the community for what it is and help it become more for others.
I guess what my pregnancy brain is trying to say is this: Yes, a bunch of people left. Board has gotten a bit dead. This happens on SO MANY OTHER boards for whatever reason. We know the reason for this. Keep posting, keep being involved, choose to join the private group or not, but instead of complaining that the board is dead and everyone left, just post. I don't feel like a lesser member for not being automatically granted entry into a group where, it was made clear from day one, what the intent was. I feel like someone who hasn't established myself on this board, and I am rectifying that, because it has been so helpful and so beneficial to me (especially when I was in the throes of HG).
This is honestly the perfect response to have! Keep posting and definitely add an avatar (it helps everyone recognize you better!)
There have been a ton of regular posters that came on this thread and further explained a lot of different things. I don't think anyone is lacking empathy or treating you as a second class citizen. It's been clearly stated anyone is welcome to join. Most members requested to join and weren't necessarily invited, so no one is missing out on a mass invite. Every member has been through the vetting process, so it is fair to all. It can't be an open group, so what are your expectations? Do you expect posters to come back to N16 even though they no longer feel comfortable? I can respect that feelings were hurt and I stated that. But this really isn't an exclusive group and I think things are being assumed that are not true.
I'm done apologizing and trying to clarify my point. Those of you in the group who have responded clearly are focusing on being negative and defensive. Vote me in or don't, that isn't why I'm saying any of this. Just stop claiming to be a non-exclusive group while at the same time picking and choosing who you let in. I only put together what several others said at the beginning of this thread so now I'm the one being attacked because I defended others and expressed a viewpoint that some of you took way too personally.
I'm going to just throw this out there. Not complaining, just adding thoughts.
I totally get reasoning for the new board. Makes absolute sense. But it's a little hard to "participate more" in a mostly dead board. Is it possible that we could still post non controversial posts here for a while? I realize every post has potential to be controversial in the end. But maybe keep ticker changes and occasional fun polls on this board? I loved the what kind of undies are you wearing poll, that one got me laughing!
@Blondesweety444 we encourage members to be active in both places but many find it overwhelming and too much to keep up with or just plain aren't comfortable here anymore. If you start threads, especially entertaining ones, people will participate.
@tigerfish227 none of us have been negative or defensive. If anything was taken personally it's because we've worked very hard to make the private group as fair as possible, and I really don't think anything was taken personally anyways. Everyone has just tried to explain the process and logic behind the group. It's really not our fault if you just keep twisting our words to fit your clearly negative view of the private group. Of course adults have feelings, no one said they didn't. The adult references have all been directed towards taking ownership of your own participation (or lack thereof) and in making this board what you want it to be and not demanding others entertain you and participate where they're not comfortable.
I'm sorry, stating facts like no one was invited or that everyone goes through the same process is not negative or defensive. It's facts. You're the one taking things personally and you shouldn't be. It's the same protocol for everyone to join the private board.
I may be in the minority in this logic, but I think it's actually easier for the shy people to come out of lurker status on this board now that it isn't as busy. Conversations don't get lost so easily and if you're posting something that doesn't affect everyone I wouldn't feel so guilty starting a new thread. Before it kind of felt like everything was very regimented and if I had a question it should go under the "random" thread so it didn't get in the way of the things that were more important. Now that it's not as busy I think the little questions and the fun stuff are more "allowed". I think there is still great advice being given, which is really the purpose for me as a FTM (plus the fun stuff). Plus, now that people are entering the 2nd tri I think needs have changed. The board can evolve without it being a bad thing.
@comealongponds honestly your response right now has been the most reasonable one I've seen. Thank you. I'm not trying to force anyone to participate where they don't feel comfortable. That's the #1 reason I haven't been on this board much. Because I wasn't ready emotionally. Now most of the board has been abandoned but some of us over on this side are now being neglected because the active members don't want to stay here. You say we need to participate more but there's hardly anyone here to interact with. This has been a very emotional ride for me with my history and lurking had been about all I could handle and that's gone now too because one bad poster scared everyone away. Is that my fault? No. It's not your fault either. But take a look at it from this side try to see that there are people here that no longer are getting the support they could have gotten because of that situation. Some of us haven't had the confidence, comfort level or energy to try to keep up here but that doesn't make us bad people. Then you have the active members coming in here saying it's not meant to be exclusive while at the same time saying "you can't join because of x reason." That screams exclusivity. Yes anyone can apply but not everyone gets accepted. That's what exclusive is. You exclude the people who don't meet your qualifications.
I haven't twisted anyone's words. I've simply expressed opinions of what it looks like from the other side. Meanwhile, my words have been taken as accusations and have been twisted to make me look like some bitter, jealous crackpot. I don't care who you let into the group. But don't claim to be what you're not and tell other people how to feel about it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and emotions.
@tigerfish227 this is way less exclusive than LFAF and you're in that with me, so you know how it works. It takes time to pick up votes, especially since we're all just starting to get to know each other, and lurkers aren't welcome. Literally the only reason you're not in N'16 is that you just started posting around here. I know you, but other people don't. There is exactly one person that would never ever be allowed in based on their personality, and we all know who that is (at least people that stay caught up on the random threads and other threads that have blown up around here). It doesn't really matter that you haven't participated until recently because admission is not closed. Other people have beaten it to death but N'16 WANTS more people to add- they just have to be recognizable to enough people first.
So everybody that wants in needs to post more. FFS, it's that simple. I need to go through and take the time to look up profiles and give out more love tits since I've only been voting in people whose names I immediately recognize. Honestly, even though the biggest thing is recognizability, whining about it probably won't help anyone's case. And if you had no clue until now that there even is a private group, then you haven't been that active and really shouldn't be all that surprised that you haven't been invited in (yet! Emphasis on YET).
BFP #1 10/30/15 MMC found 11/30/15 D&C 12/11/15 EDD 7/9/16 BFP #2 3/21/16 Nora Mae born 12/6/16 BFP #3 11/27/20 EDD 8/6/21
healing comes in waves, and maybe today the wave hits the rocks and that’s ok, that’s ok, darling. you are still healing, you are still healing- Ijeoma Umebinyuo, be gentle with yourself
@tigerfish227 But no one's being neglected. Almost all the posts on the front page of this BMB have recent responses. The thread about pee vs leaking amniotic fluid was answered by multiple people, including some members of the private group as was the one about headaches/cramps/crappy OBs so I don't think it's fair at all to say that those who need support aren't getting it. If you seek support, you'll get it and I would hope you would return support to others who need it as well. That's really all we're asking you to do, it will be noticed if you do. And I think a lot of what has been said her has been directed to you (rightly or wrongly) because you're the only one who actively remained engaged in the post, while others mostly left their two cents and ghosted.
I get that it can be hard to participate if you've had negative experiences before, I've had to announce a loss on a BMB too. It really sucks. But we're not asking you to jump through hoops to get in, or making it a popularity contest. The rules and processes are still somewhat in flux, as we try to figure out the best way to do this, try not to expect perfection from us 5 mods, we don't know each other or interact except through the boards and we all have outside jobs/families/etc that may slow things down at times.
As @HotSauceSwagBag said, there are far more exclusive groups on TB, but I'm not going to complain that I'm not a part of them or be hurt if I apply and get rejected. It is what it is, this isn't kindergarten where literally everyone gets invited to your birthday party so there's no hurt feelings. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but we're trying to create a safe space, and allowing in people that aren't widely known or recognized is pretty much in direct contradiction to that.
**snip** Maybe some of you come back and lurk(we can't see you lurking), occasionally chime in, but ultimately this board has died off drastically. So those who haven't been invited to the private group because they were lurkers before or because they just got here and literally have not had the chance to participate feel liked they aren't good enough or that they are being excluded for whatever reason. I'm not asking that everyone be allowed in. **snip**
1) And likewise we can't see you lurking. I'm sorry if you feel the board is dead and you aren't getting support. You get what you give. 2) But you don't agree with our process of "picking and choosing who you let in" aka voting. We can't and won't let in everyone. The fairest thing to do is vote.
Awesome Kid #1: Born September 2013! Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
**snip** Maybe some of you come back and lurk(we can't see you lurking), occasionally chime in, but ultimately this board has died off drastically. So those who haven't been invited to the private group because they were lurkers before or because they just got here and literally have not had the chance to participate feel liked they aren't good enough or that they are being excluded for whatever reason. I'm not asking that everyone be allowed in. **snip**
1) And likewise we can't see you lurking. I'm sorry if you feel the board is dead and you aren't getting support. You get what you give. 2) But you don't agree with our process of "picking and choosing who you let in" aka voting. We can't and won't let in everyone. The fairest thing to do is vote.
1) as I have said, I finally started feeling like I'm able to participate emotionally but everyone left so there isn't much to participate in. Up until recently I was lurking. I don't expect anyone to know that but I'm still being excluded because of it while you justify doing it yourselves because you aren't comfortable posting here anymore. Furthermore, it was said that lurkers would be allowed in but then when lurkers started applying you denied them and changed the rules.
2) I NEVER disagreed with the process. I said that you need to stop saying you aren't exclusive when in reality you are excluding several people. I'm in a much more exclusive group that uses a strict voting process for entry and I love it but we also don't claim to be open to everyone while we are really voting for who gets in. You contradict what you claim by your actions yet get offended when someone speaks up and calls you out.
I'm not petitioning you to let in everyone that applies. I'm simply saying that if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck it's probably a duck so quit calling it a fish.
If we wanted it to be a secret, exclusive club that only "cool kids" were allowed into, then why on earth would we still be posting here about how it formed, how to join, and who the mods are? I was on a TB break because my job got insane for a couple of days while all the drama was going down, but I caught up fairly easily when I came back, and I had participated enough at that point that I was voted in. I don't really know of any other way for us to include everyone while still keeping it a safe, troll-free, catfish-free environment. That's like saying you should be allowed to travel internationally without a passport because people should just believe you are who you say you are and you're not a dangerous person.
I just don't get why people are so butthurt about this. 90% of us still come over to the BMB and participate plenty, so I don't get the claim that this board is dead. I'm still seeing tons of activity on it. I think a lot of us were on the verge of just leaving TB completely because we couldn't participate in conversations anymore without fear of being banned. This was the alternative to leaving. If we had all just left completely, then the board would have "died" that way too, but no one would be complaining about that. We're not denying anyone access to the benefits of a community. We didn't leave and take all of the pregnancy knowledge with us. You can still use this community however you'd like.
*edited for typos
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
I don't understand the confusion. It is a private group. I/we can't just get into any private group, so why is this one supposed to be different? If everyone could just join/post in/look at a private group, it would just be public, no?
**snip** Maybe some of you come back and lurk(we can't see you lurking), occasionally chime in, but ultimately this board has died off drastically. So those who haven't been invited to the private group because they were lurkers before or because they just got here and literally have not had the chance to participate feel liked they aren't good enough or that they are being excluded for whatever reason. I'm not asking that everyone be allowed in. **snip**
1) And likewise we can't see you lurking. I'm sorry if you feel the board is dead and you aren't getting support. You get what you give. 2) But you don't agree with our process of "picking and choosing who you let in" aka voting. We can't and won't let in everyone. The fairest thing to do is vote.
1) as I have said, I finally started feeling like I'm able to participate emotionally but everyone left so there isn't much to participate in. Up until recently I was lurking. I don't expect anyone to know that but I'm still being excluded because of it while you justify doing it yourselves because you aren't comfortable posting here anymore. Furthermore, it was said that lurkers would be allowed in but then when lurkers started applying you denied them and changed the rules.
2) I NEVER disagreed with the process. I said that you need to stop saying you aren't exclusive when in reality you are excluding several people. I'm in a much more exclusive group that uses a strict voting process for entry and I love it but we also don't claim to be open to everyone while we are really voting for who gets in. You contradict what you claim by your actions yet get offended when someone speaks up and calls you out.
I'm not petitioning you to let in everyone that applies. I'm simply saying that if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck it's probably a duck so quit calling it a fish.
Are you confusing me with someone else? This is the first time I posted on this thread.
Awesome Kid #1: Born September 2013! Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
@Butterkup that gif literally made me LOL so thank you.
@tigerfish227 please link the thread in which it was stated that lurkers would be admitted, I don't believe I recall seeing that nor was it ever anyone's intention to allow lurkers. That would defeat the purpose of the group.
Just for some insight, it was not about forming a smaller inclusive group. There was a thread on a sensitive topic and a member wrote something that did not explicitly violate a TOU but was very insensitive and inappropriate. Many members reacted angrily and in defense of the poster and as a result were banned by the bump. It left everyone very confused and feeling vulnerable of random bump action when the person that posted the inflammatory comment received no retribution yet other posters who did nothing but appropriately respond to something so hurtful were punished. It got especially testy when his same poster then started several threads within the next few days, all seemlingly innocent, but on classically debatable bump topics such as "throwing your own shower" etc. people responded in debate like style which is also what makes the bump great because you get intelligent discussion. Anyway, it became clear after a few more random bannings that this same poster was reporting any comment she didn't like when in fact it was her who was really damaging the communal nature of the board. In response many of us left to a private group to protect ourselves from someone who either was best case scenario, naive and punitive or worst cas scenario, a troll. But the group was formed with the intent to let people in who post. I'm sorry if anyone wasn't "accepted." Its not a permanent thing so you can always ask again. Almost all of us still participate here so the more you post then the more likely members are to recognize your name and "accept you."
Yeah I watched this all go down and I was so mad at myself when i saw that i had posted on one of her starting posts. Also, when it was being formed many of the regulars said things like lurkers welcome and I had posted on all my weekly tickers and some of the question posts so i thought i had a shot. I think you can click on my name and see what i commented on - even though i dont post often cause i hate that family could find me if they really wanted.
Not being accepted does look like a permanent thing from this side. If i go to even try and click on the button to apply it is grayed out and if you hover over it says "You're application for this group was denied"
@tigerfish227 - You need to stop using the fact that you had losses as reasoning for why you couldn't get attached/participate as much on this BMB, and in turn were unrecognizable to the private group. I'd say a large majority of the PGAL ladies on this BMB (that have come out as such) are now in the private group, and some of us are in our 2nd tri and haven't even passed our loss milestones (raises hand). We're participating and leaning hard on others to get through our rough days-- THAT is one of the biggest things these boards/groups are here for. Not to mention the fact that since that group was started, a few other ladies have "come out" as being PGAL, because they didn't feel comfortable doing so on a big BMB jammed up with people like Okeydoodle-lollyday.
In short, get off your high horse. We all CLEARLY understand what you're saying but it doesn't mean that we agree with it. You can say we're hypocrites or whatever, fact of the matter is that we're all pregnant, some of us have had losses, we're not trolls and we participate, not lurk-- these are the qualities that makeup the members who are voted in.
Also, I'm sure as shit not going to post HDBD photos on a public BMB where there are bunches of you ladies lurking but not posting your own photos... so there's that.
And I'm a Wednesday ticker change. I posted last Wednesday's in the group, and I know Whaat was posting here before the group. I think we should totally keep the ticker change going in both places, if people here are going to post/participate.
Me: 31, DH: 31 Married: September 2012 Began TTC: September 2015 BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15, (pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15) BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
Just for some insight, it was not about forming a smaller inclusive group. There was a thread on a sensitive topic and a member wrote something that did not explicitly violate a TOU but was very insensitive and inappropriate. Many members reacted angrily and in defense of the poster and as a result were banned by the bump. It left everyone very confused and feeling vulnerable of random bump action when the person that posted the inflammatory comment received no retribution yet other posters who did nothing but appropriately respond to something so hurtful were punished. It got especially testy when his same poster then started several threads within the next few days, all seemlingly innocent, but on classically debatable bump topics such as "throwing your own shower" etc. people responded in debate like style which is also what makes the bump great because you get intelligent discussion. Anyway, it became clear after a few more random bannings that this same poster was reporting any comment she didn't like when in fact it was her who was really damaging the communal nature of the board. In response many of us left to a private group to protect ourselves from someone who either was best case scenario, naive and punitive or worst cas scenario, a troll. But the group was formed with the intent to let people in who post. I'm sorry if anyone wasn't "accepted." Its not a permanent thing so you can always ask again. Almost all of us still participate here so the more you post then the more likely members are to recognize your name and "accept you."
Yeah I watched this all go down and I was so mad at myself when i saw that i had posted on one of her starting posts. Also, when it was being formed many of the regulars said things like lurkers welcome and I had posted on all my weekly tickers and some of the question posts so i thought i had a shot. I think you can click on my name and see what i commented on - even though i dont post often cause i hate that family could find me if they really wanted.
Not being accepted does look like a permanent thing from this side. If i go to even try and click on the button to apply it is grayed out and if you hover over it says "You're application for this group was denied"
Okay, so that's very much hearsay with absolutely no proof. I want an actual post by a mod or group member that said we would allow lurkers - I will all but guarantee that it doesn't exist. I can point you to a handful of posts encouraging lurkers to come out of lurkerdom and post on HERE in order to get more recognized so they would be voted into the private group, but it would make zero sense to allow people who are, in our eyes, randoms into our safe space.
Honestly, I think everything that can be said here has been said a million times. If anyone has further questions or concerns, please PM a mod but this thread has really spiraled into something not very constructive and I don't think there's much point in continuing to beat this very dead horse.
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Re: Ticker changes??
The new board is just like this one except we don't live in fear of being kicked for no reason. If you're interested in joining the other group then ask to join it. If you want to talk to the mods they are missameliapond aquasocks likeicanteven comealongponds and mrsdho11. Every person has an equal opportunity to be added. If you want to be mad at someone about the new board, be mad at oakley.
I think maybe it would have saved all these feelings if a new thread would have been started to state what was going on, these are the mods, this is how it'll work etc etc... Then it would be easier to find and everyone would have been in the loop all at once. Perhaps it would have alleviated these "secret" and "private" feelings women are getting.
I think that's pretty fair.
Please know, I don't have my back up saying this. I truly don't have my feelings hurt. I just think some things could have went differently, and maybe some ladies would feel better.
Edit: typo
I was was actually away for a week when this happened. Once I got back, I realized things were amiss on this board and started hunting around to find out what happened. It wasn't that hard to find threads that mentioned a new board.
I understand people feel left out but you also have to do your own due diligence and figure out what's going on. No one is owed an invite, especially if you're a self proclaimed lurker who doesn't post regularly. Come on ladies, we're adults. If you want to join, join. If you're not accepted keep posting here and try again soon. It's not that hard! Stop blaming the amazing ladies that tried to create a new and safe place for us all to post away from the one poster who made this an unwelcome place for many.
I've been lurking, posting somewhat, since the day I got my BFP. I thought I had posted enough, requested to join the private group, and was "denied" (I hate using that word, because I know it's not a rejection or a true denial) and encouraged to post more.
I've been in lurking mode so long it's been hard for me to post more, but I'm trying. I'm not going to be someone who posts a pic in HDBD, because I'm not comfortable with that. But I will make an effort to contribute to discussions, so that new people coming in to Nov 16 have things to read and participate in.
I completely understand why the private group was created, and I plan on requesting to join later on once I've posted more. I didn't take my non-entry at this time as a rejection, or a denial, just a friendly reminder to post more and be more involved! Post what you're comfortable posting, use the community for what it is and help it become more for others.
I guess what my pregnancy brain is trying to say is this: Yes, a bunch of people left. Board has gotten a bit dead. This happens on SO MANY OTHER boards for whatever reason. We know the reason for this. Keep posting, keep being involved, choose to join the private group or not, but instead of complaining that the board is dead and everyone left, just post. I don't feel like a lesser member for not being automatically granted entry into a group where, it was made clear from day one, what the intent was. I feel like someone who hasn't established myself on this board, and I am rectifying that, because it has been so helpful and so beneficial to me (especially when I was in the throes of HG).
There have been a ton of regular posters that came on this thread and further explained a lot of different things. I don't think anyone is lacking empathy or treating you as a second class citizen. It's been clearly stated anyone is welcome to join. Most members requested to join and weren't necessarily invited, so no one is missing out on a mass invite. Every member has been through the vetting process, so it is fair to all. It can't be an open group, so what are your expectations? Do you expect posters to come back to N16 even though they no longer feel comfortable? I can respect that feelings were hurt and I stated that. But this really isn't an exclusive group and I think things are being assumed that are not true.
3/6/16 BFP
EDD: 11/14/16
I totally get reasoning for the new board. Makes absolute sense. But it's a little hard to "participate more" in a mostly dead board. Is it possible that we could still post non controversial posts here for a while? I realize every post has potential to be controversial in the end. But maybe keep ticker changes and occasional fun polls on this board? I loved the what kind of undies are you wearing poll, that one got me laughing!
no posts on board = not getting in
frequent posts on board = getting in
not that difficult.
And just to clarify, you're the one that is taking it personally.
3/6/16 BFP
EDD: 11/14/16
@tigerfish227 none of us have been negative or defensive. If anything was taken personally it's because we've worked very hard to make the private group as fair as possible, and I really don't think anything was taken personally anyways. Everyone has just tried to explain the process and logic behind the group. It's really not our fault if you just keep twisting our words to fit your clearly negative view of the private group. Of course adults have feelings, no one said they didn't. The adult references have all been directed towards taking ownership of your own participation (or lack thereof) and in making this board what you want it to be and not demanding others entertain you and participate where they're not comfortable.
I haven't twisted anyone's words. I've simply expressed opinions of what it looks like from the other side. Meanwhile, my words have been taken as accusations and have been twisted to make me look like some bitter, jealous crackpot. I don't care who you let into the group. But don't claim to be what you're not and tell other people how to feel about it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and emotions.
So everybody that wants in needs to post more. FFS, it's that simple. I need to go through and take the time to look up profiles and give out more love tits since I've only been voting in people whose names I immediately recognize. Honestly, even though the biggest thing is recognizability, whining about it probably won't help anyone's case. And if you had no clue until now that there even is a private group, then you haven't been that active and really shouldn't be all that surprised that you haven't been invited in (yet! Emphasis on YET).
BFP #2 3/21/16 Nora Mae born 12/6/16
BFP #3 11/27/20 EDD 8/6/21
@tigerfish227
But no one's being neglected. Almost all the posts on the front page of this BMB have recent responses. The thread about pee vs leaking amniotic fluid was answered by multiple people, including some members of the private group as was the one about headaches/cramps/crappy OBs so I don't think it's fair at all to say that those who need support aren't getting it. If you seek support, you'll get it and I would hope you would return support to others who need it as well. That's really all we're asking you to do, it will be noticed if you do. And I think a lot of what has been said her has been directed to you (rightly or wrongly) because you're the only one who actively remained engaged in the post, while others mostly left their two cents and ghosted.
I get that it can be hard to participate if you've had negative experiences before, I've had to announce a loss on a BMB too. It really sucks. But we're not asking you to jump through hoops to get in, or making it a popularity contest. The rules and processes are still somewhat in flux, as we try to figure out the best way to do this, try not to expect perfection from us 5 mods, we don't know each other or interact except through the boards and we all have outside jobs/families/etc that may slow things down at times.
As @HotSauceSwagBag said, there are far more exclusive groups on TB, but I'm not going to complain that I'm not a part of them or be hurt if I apply and get rejected. It is what it is, this isn't kindergarten where literally everyone gets invited to your birthday party so there's no hurt feelings. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but we're trying to create a safe space, and allowing in people that aren't widely known or recognized is pretty much in direct contradiction to that.
2) But you don't agree with our process of "picking and choosing who you let in" aka voting. We can't and won't let in everyone. The fairest thing to do is vote.
Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
2) I NEVER disagreed with the process. I said that you need to stop saying you aren't exclusive when in reality you are excluding several people. I'm in a much more exclusive group that uses a strict voting process for entry and I love it but we also don't claim to be open to everyone while we are really voting for who gets in. You contradict what you claim by your actions yet get offended when someone speaks up and calls you out.
I'm not petitioning you to let in everyone that applies. I'm simply saying that if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck it's probably a duck so quit calling it a fish.
3/6/16 BFP
EDD: 11/14/16
I just don't get why people are so butthurt about this. 90% of us still come over to the BMB and participate plenty, so I don't get the claim that this board is dead. I'm still seeing tons of activity on it. I think a lot of us were on the verge of just leaving TB completely because we couldn't participate in conversations anymore without fear of being banned. This was the alternative to leaving. If we had all just left completely, then the board would have "died" that way too, but no one would be complaining about that. We're not denying anyone access to the benefits of a community. We didn't leave and take all of the pregnancy knowledge with us. You can still use this community however you'd like.
*edited for typos
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
Awesome Kid #2: Due November 2016!
@tigerfish227 please link the thread in which it was stated that lurkers would be admitted, I don't believe I recall seeing that nor was it ever anyone's intention to allow lurkers. That would defeat the purpose of the group.
In short, get off your high horse. We all CLEARLY understand what you're saying but it doesn't mean that we agree with it. You can say we're hypocrites or whatever, fact of the matter is that we're all pregnant, some of us have had losses, we're not trolls and we participate, not lurk-- these are the qualities that makeup the members who are voted in.
Also, I'm sure as shit not going to post HDBD photos on a public BMB where there are bunches of you ladies lurking but not posting your own photos... so there's that.
And I'm a Wednesday ticker change. I posted last Wednesday's in the group, and I know Whaat was posting here before the group. I think we should totally keep the ticker change going in both places, if people here are going to post/participate.
Married: September 2012
Began TTC: September 2015
BFP #1: 10/12/16, EDD: 06/23/15,
(pPROM, 16 wks + emergency D&E 12/31/15)
BFP #2: 03/09/16, EDD: 11/16/16
Honestly, I think everything that can be said here has been said a million times. If anyone has further questions or concerns, please PM a mod but this thread has really spiraled into something not very constructive and I don't think there's much point in continuing to beat this very dead horse.
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