I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of... — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of...

I'm just constantly overwhelmed over things that I can't control. I thought it was starting to get better but i noticed this past week that its progressively getting worse. My daughter rolled over for the first time on Sunday, I cried. I couldn't control my emotions, I cry every time she makes a new milestone, I'm not crying because I'm happy. I'm crying because my heart aches because she's growing up. She's only 4 months old and I have cried several times already because SOMEDAY she's going to be an adult and not my little baby anymore. I don't feel like myself anymore. I yelled at one of my employees at work and I have NEVER done that before, I'm typically very easy going. I was starting to be ok with letting people watch her without me there and now I can't even fathom leaving her alone with my husband. I just can't trust anyone but myself to truly take care of her. And now I'm hurting other people because of the way I feel, I don't know what this is. I don't think it's PPD because I'm extremely connected to my daughter and I read that a symptom of PPD is a total disconnect. I stopped BF and I feel so guilty because of it, I constantly feel fat and unmotivated. I wake up between 15 & 20 times a night to check and make sure she's still breathing, I've had multiple anxiety attacks over nothing. I'm just completely irrational and I can recognize that I am this way but I can't get it under control. When I'm in the moment I feel 100% justified. I just don't understand what is going on and it's like I don't even know who I am.... Is this normal..? Are there other mamas feeling this way...? 

Re: I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of...

  • I think everyone has the same feelings you are having but probably not to the degree that you are. It sounds like your emotions may be becoming debilitating and it might be helpful to bring it up to your Dr to see if there is some help for you to better manage some of your anxiety and be able to enjoy this time a little more.
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  • I can relate. It's not extreme like yours, by any means, but I can relate on some level. 
    I feel like I've lost who I was before I was pregnant. I feel totally different and honestly I feel empty. I love my son, I love playing with him and watching him grow ( I've only cried because I wasn't able to see him roll over for the first time- he was with my parents) and I've left him with my mom almost everyday for a month and a half... But yesterday I left him ( my mom watches him one Tuesday a month so SO and I can do errands we know LO won't enjoy) and everything was fine, SO went and did our errands then we decided to go home and nap for an hour before picking him up. I cried until SO gave up and we went to get him. I have no idea why, I haven't cried for us not being together since the hospital. 
    Im always exhausted and I feel bad because SO watches him when we are at home because I'm so exhausted (mentally and physically) I want some alone time. 
    I used to stick up for myself when people do me wrong and now I just let it be. And I think that's the part that bothers me the most. 
    I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. 
  • mesamytmesamyt member
    When I was diagnosed with PPD the first time I did not have a disconnect from my baby. It was my inability to handle a situation, unable to be rational, and rage. I remember screaming at my husband and then throwing my shoes at him right before going to the doctor. I can't even remember what I was upset about. Anyway. When my doctor walked in the room and started to chit chat she asked how everything was going and I broke down crying. 

    PPD can take many forms and is not the same from one person to another. It hasn't been the same for me from one child to another. 

    If you feel off, not like yourself, don't hesitate to talk to someone about it. Even if it's not PPD at least know you aren't alone. 
    tfrangul
  • Brianna0915Brianna0915 member
    edited May 2016
    Thank you for all of your responses, I should add that I am on implanon, is it possible that this is from the hormones of the birth control? I'm not very familiar with it. 
  • TRA0816TRA0816 member
    I've had similar feelings and am hesitant to admit it. I don't want antidepressants because I've heard they are hard to come off them. I don't feel disconnected either. Exact opposite..I often feel like running away with my child to 'protect him from the world'. I also feel anxious and frustrated with my everyday tasks..often angry for not very good reasons...

  • I have some of the same feelings - particularly about letting others care for baby.  I've suffered from debilitating anxiety in other periods in my life so I've been able to use the coping skills I've learned from a lifetime of therapy to help not let things get completely out of control, but hormones can play a huge factor.  Definitely make an appointment to see a doctor --- it may not seem like it will help, but it will!  And things will definitely get better!
  • krrpe99krrpe99 member
    @BabyArnold2016 Antidepressants don't have to be hard to come off of. Like anything else, it varies from person to person. I used to go on Zoloft every year at Christmas time and go off them in January. It's always been fine for me. 

    I just got back on some meds for PPD that randomly popped up.  When talking with my doctor, she only recommends me be on them for around 3 months, then to taper off and we'll see how I'm doing. I'm hoping my hormones will stabilize by then.  just because you might need some meds now, doesn't mean it has to last for a long time. They've been extremely helpful for me. 
  • jem8407jem8407 member
    You are not alone. I am a needed with my baby. She has never been without myself or my husband and she is about to be four months. I am working up to a date evening that she can stay with friendsI am 22 pounds up and feel disgusting! So I put a plan together of when and how I am going to address it as well as with what supports/experts. I think you reaching out here is awesome. I also think it is positive that you recognize what is happening. I agree with PP that seeking medical attention is key. You will another step ahead once you do. 
    ChrissyD1203
  • @Brianna0915 - You are definitely, definitely not alone!  I'm not a therapist or a doctor, but I think you should definitely talk to your doctor about PPD and postpartum anxiety.  I suffered from both due to my thyroid being really out of whack.  I'm doing much better now thankfully, though I do still have anxiety if something triggers it and I was told by my doctor and therapist that that may last for a few months or even years, so I have coping mechanisms now to deal with that (as well as the option of medication, if things get too hard to handle.)

    Being a new mom, it's very hard to differentiate between normal maternal instincts and anxieties and something out of the ordinary, but if you're having anxiety attacks and acting outside of your normal personality, it is definitely something to talk to your doctor about.  I had to have a drastic change in my thyroid medication and go to therapy for a bit in order for things to be corrected and it helped so, so much.  

    As PP pointed out, you don't need to have 100% of the symptoms.  I too never felt disconnected from my daughter, though I was suffering from depression and anxiety.  I just was having outsized reactions (including panic attacks) to small things.  Sounds like you may be doing this too.  Please reach out to your doctor soon - it can get so, so much better and you can enjoy your daughter instead of being consumed with anxiousness and depression.

    Oh, and as an aside, I was unable to breastfeed after about 2 months or so, and I was BESIDE myself with guilt.  I would lock myself into the bathroom and weep, thinking my body was a failure, I was a failure - once my PPD and PPA was treated, that went away like, IMMEDIATELY.  I still am wistful, wishing I could have breastfed for longer, but I don't feel a horrible guilt about it like I did when everything was off mentally.  I hope you feel better soon!  Feel free to PM me if you want any additional insight into the therapy process or any other PPD/PPA questions, or just to talk.  Hang in there!
    Brianna0915
  • tepr14tepr14 member
    Thank you for posting this, and I appreciate everyone else who has commented.  Ive been feeling the same way, just crippling anxiety. I too am connected with my son, so as pp said it doesn't have to be a disconnect.  I thought I was doing better, but I've realized its getting worse. I actually just talked to my husband about it last night, im going to reach out to my doctor to get some help. its hard to admit,  and come to terms with.  For myself,  at least. 
  • ^^ yes!! Making the call is always the hardest part! You are doing such a great thing for yourself, in my experience with anxiety, it will get better little by little.  Also--- once you are able to get more sleep you will be better able to deal with anxiety.  
    Brianna0915
  • Do you call your family doctor or your obgyn?
  • @carlyhammond you can call either! i spoke with my OBGYN because I figured he would be more connect to the perinatal mental health world than my GP. But either should be happy to help you! 
  • I know I previously mentioned my friends sister in law who lost her battle with her PPD. Below is a link to her story and organization her husband has created to help end the stigma around perinatal mental illness. On their Facebook page a lot of other moms have shared their journeys with the struggle as well. I hope that this can help even one mom (as I know it has helped me, as one mom said "tell 10 people that you are dealing with PPA/PPD" i have been trying to be more open about my struggles and not feel ashamed.) 

    i really hope one day we have more resources and insurance covered services to more fully help mothers deal with these issues.  

    https://www.ksl.com/?sid=39841410&nid=148&title=the-emily-effect-family-rises-from-tragedy-in-effort-to-help-struggling-mothers

    #theemilyeffect
    Brianna0915
  • You sound just like me when I had PPD with DD. It got to the point where I didnt want to leave my house because I felt like no one could care for my sweet baby like I could. I just wanted to be around her 24/7. I called into work a ton and when I did go I would bawl my eyes out at my desk and leave early whenever I could. My husband even set up a blow up mattress in her room and her and I slept together till she was 8 months old. (Extremely appreciative to hubs for being ok with sleeping alone for a few months) I was put on escitalopram and was told to try to get outside for some fresh air at least once a day. It doesnt last forever! It does get better!
  • bella2210bella2210 member
    edited May 2016
    I unexpectedly became a single mother and I experience this type of anxiety, depression and the overwhelming feelings. I had an attack just yesterday.  I felt paralyzed by anxiety. I sat and freaked out for a moment and then got up and cleaned the dishes,  took a break,  wiped the counters,  took a break,  did my work (I work from home),  took a break. ...all day long.  I took small baby steps, lots of breaks and kept telling myself, "this is just a feeling, not reality, and it will pass."
    This may not work for everyone but it really works for me during an attack. Just seeing that I'm capable of functioning when I feel like I'm drowning helps me to realize it's just a feeling.  I also agree with others about reaching out to your Dr. I see a therapist and also have someone who comes by once a month to check on me for PPD symptoms. Take advantage of any resources you have, they can only help :)
    ChrissyD1203
  • @bella2210you have an awesome attitude!  Your baby is lucky to have you!  As a child of a single mother, I have some (but not a full understanding) of how demanding it is, and it just makes me so much more appreciative and impressed with my mom!
    bella2210
  • @ChrissyD1203 thank you for the compliment! I hope my son feels that way about me someday :) 
  • I felt the same way, I thought it was only me at first. I knew I wasnt "depressed" but then I read about postpartum anxiety & I was like THATS ME! Once I identified it & verbally admitted it to my husband & other family members then it got better. Her rolling over has triggered my new fears. I just accept that it's ok for me to feel so protective over my child, she's mine & I'm just extremely bonded. I accept that I don't trust anyone besides my husband to watch her & that's my choice & there's nothing wrong with that. Some people need & want a weekend or night away from their baby (no judgement) for me I'm not ready yet & wouldn't be able to enjoy myself. Once I accepted that I am entitled to my feelings then it lifted a weight off me. Some nights I enjoy laying next to her for a few hours & watching her sleep. It's not just because I'm worried but because it makes me feel warm & fuzzy. All the emotions you are feeling can also be looked at in a positive way. And PRAYER helps. I pray to God to keep my baby safe & help me to make the decisions for her care. A nice hot bath, a glass of wine & some nice music can be a nice "me time" to help you relax & recharge. When you feel the anxiety starting to peak taking deep slow breaths & visualizing something relaxing. Look into hypnotherapy and yoga mediation for relaxation techniques. 
  • TRA0816TRA0816 member


    krrpe99 said:
    @BabyArnold2016 Antidepressants don't have to be hard to come off of. Like anything else, it varies from person to person. I used to go on Zoloft every year at Christmas time and go off them in January. It's always been fine for me. 

    I just got back on some meds for PPD that randomly popped up.  When talking with my doctor, she only recommends me be on them for around 3 months, then to taper off and we'll see how I'm doing. I'm hoping my hormones will stabilize by then.  just because you might need some meds now, doesn't mean it has to last for a long time. They've been extremely helpful for me. 
    @krrpe99 I am still considering them. A lot of my issues seem to be circumstantial. My husband and I both ended up with different jobs with different hours and smaller paychecks right after the baby was born. So I feel like all my post partum issues were intensified. I have stabilized in my position an emotions and my husband will soon be on a dayshift schedule which will help even more!
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