Watching my husband hold our nephew =(

nmd9168

It all started this weekend when my sister and her kids came by to see my husband and I. I was watching my husband hold my 4 month old nephew. He was wonderful with him, making him smile and then eventually the cute little guy fell asleep on my husband. I had to act like I needed to use the bathroom so I could bawl my eyes out for a few. It was adorable, but I felt really really sad. Sad that my husband isn't going to have a sweet baby to hold this year. Sad that our Christmas (our most favorite holiday) will be very empty once again, just opening our presents.  Sad that it will be mother's day soon, and I won't be getting a cute card or gift, like my sister always gets. I wanted so badly to have a little one, to watch my husband be the wonderful daddy I know that he will be. I feel like I have let him down. I know that he would never say it, but it was my body that decided that it couldn't sustain this baby and keep it alive. Then, on my way home from vacation I saw a billboard showing a picture with an ultrasound, 8 weeks gestation. I burst into tears the whole 3 hour drive home. Now, I saw my friend announce that she and her husband are pregnant. I got on pinterest after, and saw all of the baby stuff being pinned. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do, at this point. I just want to be a mommy and I don't want my husband to feel like I'm the one to blame (even though I know he would never admit it.) Sorry for venting. It's hard to talk about this to anyone in person. 

RiverSong15

I'm so sorry. I'm right there with you. Watching my H hold a baby or play with kids makes my heart ache more than doing those things myself. And I too feel the guilt. Hugs. You're not alone.

BrightenMySky

Hugs.  I am sorry.  A month after our loss we were on a plane and DH was making cute faces at a baby the row ahead of us.  I just cried silently into his shoulder.  

AandDM2014

I'm sorry. We too have young nieces and nephews, and seeing DH with them always makes me a bit sad because I know I haven't been able to provide that for him yet. I just keep hoping that someday I will.

MrsDramaK

I know exactly how you feel.  My niece was born 6 days before I found our about my miscarriage.  This past weekend was Passover so my SIL, Brother and their 3 kids were there and watching DH hold the baby was really hard.  My mother turned to me at one point and said, "He looks good with a baby." 

I lost it.

fiorip

Oh sweetie, my heart breaks for you. Every single thing you said, I've felt it, I still feel it sometimes. I wish I could tell you it will go away soon but it takes time, and sometimes even professional help. Don't be afraid to seek help if you need it, I knew I did because what you described, I felt like that every single day and I just couldn't shake the guilt or even function properly, I was struggling to get out of bed every day. 

I will tell you this, it was NOT your fault, bad things happen and we can't control them, don't blame your body, don't blame yourself and from what you've said about your husband I'm sure he doesn't blame you either. Cry all you need to, calm comes after the storm, you'll learn to live through the pain, I promise you will, some days will be good and others really bad but it will take time to get better. Be kind to yourself.