Throwing your own shower

jarethinafrock

I guess I'm the mood for a debate. I was browsing the bump app under "real answers - first trimester" and there was a question from someone asking if throwing her own baby shower is really that bad.

I think it is super gift-grabby and plain tacky so I was surprised by how all the answers I read (I stopped reading by like the 7th answer though) were encouraging that mother to throw her own shower. Is this really something that is done? 

Roxell

I wouldn't do it. And if anyone offers to throw me one (this is my second) I'm going to refuse. I have seen people throw their own though. And I hardcore judged them and didn't even go in one case.

NatashaSprout

I think it's sad when someone has to throw their own shower. I look at my 10 best girlfriends and know that if my mom wasn't going to do it they would probably brawl at the chance to do something nice for me. Maybe these people don't have close friends or family? I couldn't imagine life like that. 

Roxell

@NatashaSprout I'm just wondering if someone doesn't have close friends or family to throw the party, who do they invite to the party?

*I'm going to work now, can't wait to come back later and see how this thread explodes  

NatashaSprout

This is my 3rd but the last one was over 10 years ago. I am sure my mom will want to throw one for me and I am okay with that. We probably will just do a diaper party because I am super picky and would rather buy my own stuff. It will be a great party with all my best friends celebrating this baby (my first girl) together. 

Eta first girl. I still have some random boy clothes I saved for memories.

NatashaSprout

Roxell said:

@NatashaSprout I'm just wondering if someone doesn't have close friends or family to throw the party, who do they invite to the party?

*I'm going to work now, can't wait to come back later and see how this thread explodes  

Good point. 

jarethinafrock

@NatashaSprout yea- I suppose there are also cases where people move while pregnant and are no longer surrounded by the people they love. But yea, like @Roxell, I also wonder who they would invite?

Greencows4812

I wouldn't throw my own but I feel bad for people that don't have someone who is willing or offering. I'm not sure what my thoughts would be if I was in that position. This is my first girl and someone mentioned a shower and I respectfully declined. I view throwing your own shower or having showers for each kid a little present grabby. In the case of a large age gap, it's more understandable because chances are you got rid of everything. 

Chcaggie1

I do wonder who she may invite but I can also understand that throwing a great shower can be ALOT of work b/c I 've planned ALOT. I can understand that a casual friend that would be happy to attend and buy a gift would not want the task of actually planning and hosting a shower.

That being said I agree with the pp that said she feels sorry for the girl that doesn't have anyone to host. I feel sad for her too. There is NO one? Not a coworker, not a mom or an aunt?? That is really sad to me. But to answer the question I wouldn't host my own but I have actually attended a shower before where the guest of honor was the host. I didn't think too much about it except "oh if I had known she was hosting her own shower I would have helped her."

ShallowSeas

Never ever would I throw my own party.  Its not a 'right', its a gift.  I would be really bummed if no one offered to throw one for me, but that's how it is.

m6agua

I wouldn't throw my own. My mom and my BFF will be hosting mine. I'm sure I will help with some planning. Like what games I would like. We may have it at my house. I will also probably help with some of the food.

comealongponds

It really is sad for those who don't have someone offering to host, but it's still super classless to throw your own shower. It comes across as really gift-grabby as others have said; the same with "unwrapped" showers, and showers where the mom-to-be doesn't open her gifts in front of her guests. 

If someone doesn't offer to host a shower for you, then throw a diaper BBQ for your SO, a sprinkle after baby is here or a sex reveal if you must - nothing where the guests are expected to show up with an expensive gift. 

DunkinDecaf

Nope. It's somehow both sad and gift grabby at once. I would go if I was invited to a self-thrown shower, but I would kinda side eye it at the same time.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt

I don't think it's really appropriate, but I can understand wanting to. This will be my last baby and I've never had a shower. When I was pregnant with my first, my mother's church group did a bit of a thing for her but it was laced with drama and more "feel pity for this poor woman whose daughter is knocked up at 19" and it was not at all about celebrating my baby. It was depressing and insulting and I felt like a patronized charity case instead of a happy new mum.

We moved away from our friends last year. If we were still back home, I'd likely have a baby shower, but unless one of my classmates offers I wont have one here and I'm actually pretty bummed about the fact that I won't ever have a baby shower. We gave away almost all our baby stuff after our second (we changed our minds about a third when she was 3) so we're starting from scratch. A shower would help. But I won't be throwing my own, for the points stated above. 

PurpleBrunette

I love my friends but they all kind of suck at being the type who says "oh yeah, let's do this." I would never throw my own shower and thankfully I know my aunt and mom will at least make sure one happens. I'm as greedy as they come, but I prefer to hide my greediness enough to not appear overtly gift-grabby. 

I did have a conversation with my mom about showers a couple weeks ago. She is in the "after the baby" camp and I pointed out to her that my mid-November baby had Thanksgiving and Christmas in the 6 first weeks of life so that might be tough for people (traveling, scheduling, spending) and "before the baby" was probably the way to go. To me that is the closest I will come to planning my own shower. 

kms456

I wouldn't throw my own shower. It has been offered to have a little sprinkle for #2 and I don't think I'll decline. My whole group of friends is totally different now than it was 4 years ago and it would be a whole new group of people that wanted to shower this baby with love. I'm okay with it.
If I still had the same core group of friends, I might think differently.

hollowway

I threw my own with DD. We did it as more a celebration than a gift giving event. It was Jack and Jill style, so DF could have his buddies there. We did snacks and a BBQ. No games. A few people did bring gifts (like an outfit), but we'd already bought all the big stuff ourselves. Im not gift grabby and just wanted our family and friends together to celebrate our new addition. A few of our friends have thrown their own as well. But I did throw one for my sister.

TinyAlligator

How about instead of throwing your own shower you do a sip n see or do something for the baptism (if you do that)

I didn't have anyone offer a shower for me. My mom was going to do it but I could in no way travel 12 hours to get up "home" with my pregnancy complications. We kind of had a "shower" that thanksgiving with some family but that's it. 

So I've been in this situation and while it sucks seeing everyone else get a shower, it's gift grabby and tacky to throw your own.

Little+Tiny

So thankful for this post. I had no idea you were not supposed to throw your own. I'm younger so all the people I know who have had babies were teenagers and they all threw their own. I never thought anything of it. I was just under the impression that all baby showers were gift grabby and that's how it's supposed to be. Will not be throwing my own.

2amgoodbyes

My MIL offered to plan a shower for me, but she would want to invite all her extended female family. Not only would I be uncomfortable around a bunch of people I don't know, I'd be extra uncomfortable accepting gifts from near-strangers.

I'm a very quiet person with very few friends and family that I hold near and dear. So, DH and I will probably have a small get-together at our house with immediate family, men and women included. Gifts won't be demanded, but I know our parents and siblings will want to treat us.

forevertired

jarethinafrock said:

@NatashaSprout yea- I suppose there are also cases where people move while pregnant and are no longer surrounded by the people they love. But yea, like @Roxell, I also wonder who they would invite?

This is me. I moved about 8 months ago and have friends through work, but only 2-3 that I think would actually want to come to a shower. I have a friend from where I moved from determined to throw me a shower, so she convinced me to have a very small one. It'll mostly be friends from my previous home (about 3 hours away) and since they'll make a trip out of it DH is going to do something like beer tasting with the guys. He refused to do coed which I totally understand. 
But even with moving- I have the problem of not many people to invite, not no one to throw it. 
I think I understand when people say their friends just don't have money to throw one, but then if they don't have money to throw you a simple shower should you really expect them to buy you gifts? Or are your expectations too high for what is needed to throw a shower? 

TrulyBlessed22

We threw our own as well but that's not uncommon in my family at all.  Actually - we all throw our own 1st baby shower but it's because we make such a big deal out of them.  We throw showers more as a celebration of life rather than it being a traditional shower thing.  We don't really do games and they are always co-ed.  We usually rent a hall and have liquor and tons of food and a family DJ (it's a party) so basically we never expect anyone to put out that kind of money because it adds up when you have approx. 80-100 guest.  Grandparents and the babies Godparents usually contribute some but most of the expense falls to the Parents to Be.  

I'm sure this will get a lot of brows raised but when you grow up and everyone you know has done it that way you really don't think anything of it when you throw your own.  It wasn't until I was older and started getting invited to co-workers and my "American" friends showers that I realized the way "we" do it isn't common lol. 

This time we won't be throwing one since it's our 2nd.   

ZeusOprah

@ MaMaBear1323 Thanks for posting this!  I'm planning on throwing a co-ed BaBy-Q that will function as a baby shower and house warming since we moved recently.  I don't think I'm being gift grabby at all; a lot of people haven't seen our new house yet and I wasn't planning on putting registry information on the invite.  We will have a registry in case people ask for it, but my husband and I got married a few months before we got pregnant, so I feel like we've been "showered" with enough gifts at this point.  I'm sure some people will bring a gift and others won't, but I want to get everyone together before I become a Mom and if people want to judge me for thinking I'm throwing my own shower, then they likely aren't the people I'm inviting anyway.

grannysmith912

@CarlyA84 We also got married just several months ago (September), and I had four separate showers leading up to that, plus an abundance of wedding gifts. I'll definitely still put together a registry in case anyone asks for it, and if someone offers to throw a shower I won't say no, but all our friends and family have already spent so much on us in the past year, I will by all means understand if no one throws us a shower or goes out of their way to send us gifts! All that said, I do like the idea of throwing a little co-ed BBQ celebration (with no gifts expected) if nothing else.

yukitan

I would never consider throwing my own shower, so I have just accepted not having one because of our chosen lifestyle/location. 

I'm one of those people without very close friends or family nearby. We lived internationally for many years, so our closest friends are scattered around the world and I wouldn't expect them to drop that kind of cash to send a gift or fly to visit for a shower when most couldn't make it to our wedding or even to the US. DH's family lives on the other side of the country, and mine is spread throughout several states and is a very "special case." We chose to move to the west not too long ago, knowing it would be a new start.

DH has a great group of friends from his work over an hour away from where we live, but I work remotely, so my co-workers live out of state as well. 

As many of you mentioned, and sadly is applicable to my situation, I would have very few friends to invite locally anyways. I have gotten a bit weepy about the lack of local community and family, which I rack up to pregnancy hormones. But not having the support system that I feel like a shower displays, in some sense, is a bit of a gut punch sometimes. I don't care so much about the stuff, but the community and gesture is lovely.

Knottie1458416769

I don't see the point of having a baby shower in the first place - I was reluctant for a bridal shower, but agreed to let my bridesmaids take me out for a "shower" lunch.
 I see even less reason to have a baby shower - if you want baby supplies, buy your own (if it's a money issue, go to craigslist or church groups). If you want to get together with friends, throw a July 4th party or something. If you want to celebrate a new addition, do it after the birth (God forbid something bad happens between shower time and due date). 

ficbot

I'm Jewish and we don't do baby showers. It's considered very bad luck to even buy things before the baby comes. I expect my husband and his dad to buy the crib and car seat while I am in the hospital :-!

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt

yukitan said:
....But not having the support system that I feel like a shower displays, in some sense, is a bit of a gut punch sometimes. I don't care so much about the stuff, but the community and gesture is lovely.

Yes, that exactly. With my first, it was that all my friends were young and really had no idea how to deal with me being a mom. Now that they are having their own kids, it's different and we've gotten close again, but they're scattered across the continent and the world. I don't have my people here. 

We don't really even have anyone locally to come watch our kids when I have the baby. A friend of mine is going to fly in from back home to watch the kids when I have my c/s. If I go into labour earlier than my scheduled date, we'll either have to ask one of my classmates or my husband will have to stay with the kids and miss the birth. 

yukitan

@KilgraveMadeMeDoIt  I feel you. It's intimidating going into life changes without friends and/or family nearby to support you. That's awesome that your friend is flying out to help.

I am so happy to read that most of you have friends and family willing to help with babysitting, etc. But can't help getting tinges of jealousy as that's not in our cards. We'll just make our own path!

muybueno

I'm finding this discussion really fascinating.

When I was pregnant with DS#1, we had just relocated to Kenya. I had very few friends during my pregnancy, but the few that I had did throw me a little shower. It was so kind. Also, my sisters organized a huge care package to be sent from the U.S. They emailed my closest friends and relatives and basically said "if you want to be a part of this long-distance shower, please send any cards and gifts to us and we will ship them." I was a little embarrassed when I found out, because it does seem gift grabby to get gifts without a party, but it was just very close family and friends and several of them commented how happy they were for the opportunity to send something (without having to pay international shipping!).

With #3, I know my sisters are going to throw me a sprinkle. I have a large community of local friends that will be happy to celebrate. I'm hoping I can convince my sisters to keep it casual- I was thinking a big ice cream bar where people make their own sundaes and plenty of fun alcoholic drinks (it'll still be hot here in Texas). I know people have differing opinion on sprinkles (even the name gives me the willies), but my sisters would be super disappointed if I said no, and I've been to lots of them for my friends, so I'm just going to go w it and not feel embarrassed. 

AdmiralKitty

Most of my close friends are not yet married or having children so I didn't expect much in the way of showers (bridal or baby) since they're just not in that mindset. I really didn't want a bridal shower but I had some friends step up and throw me an awesome (mellow and very adult) bachelorette for my wedding. Even though those same friends have surprised me again and already asked if they could throw a shower for baby, I was 100% prepared not to have one and would never consider throwing one for myself- I really think it comes across as gift-greedy/attention hungry. I would have been just has happy to avoid it altogether since I hate being the center of attention, but if someone else wants to throw one who am I to say no?

banfrog

I moved shortly before getting pregnant with my oldest, so we didn't really know anyone. My church threw me a baby shower, but it felt so weird. Although I'm good friends with a bunch of ladies there now, at the time it felt like a bunch of strangers taking pity on me. The shower was after the baby was born, because I grew up where it was in incredibly poor taste to throw a baby shower before the baby's born, and that ruffled quite a few feathers. Apparently, there had been some debate whether or not to even throw a shower, since we didn't official announce the pregnancy. (Another couple was pregnant with their first at the same time and made a big announcement at church, we didn't want to steal their thunder so we didn't say anything.)
Anyways, I wouldn't throw my own, and I kind of wish I opted out the one I did have.

shevaCC

@yukitan and @lizap77, I was in the same boat with my first. We moved from Boston to Seattle, and I got pregnant the very next month. I never had a shower since I had neither anyone to throw one nor anyone to invite. BUT...one nice thing about babies is that they're great excuses to meet other moms and build a local support network. It's not the same as family, but it definitely helps. Most of the other new moms you meet in breastfeeding support group or library storytime or daycare pickup/dropoff or at the playground, etc. also are looking for friends that are moms.

DunkinDecaf

@TrulyBlessed22That sounds like a totally different event than baby showers as I'm familiar with them. Sounds like way more fun!

I think I would consider throwing a sip and see once this baby is born, unless my mom or MIL would rather throw it, so that friends and relatives could meet the baby. My MIL has mentioned it a couple times and I think she'd like that so that her friends can come and meet him/her as well. I think I would indicate "no gifts please" on the invite and it would be a lovely champagne-y brunch thing.

BmcD2016

No to throwing your own shower

TrulyBlessed22

@SRose109 yes, they are a lot different because they are pretty much all co-ed, there is liquor and usually some dancing involved.  Not to mention lots of kids running around and dancing too.  The guest do bring gifts but again it's more like a party than a shower. 

I like the idea of a sip and see...that's cute.

hollowway

CarlyA84 said:

@MaMaBear1323 Thanks for posting this!  I'm planning on throwing a co-ed BaBy-Q that will function as a baby shower and house warming since we moved recently.  I don't think I'm being gift grabby at all; a lot of people haven't seen our new house yet and I wasn't planning on putting registry information on the invite.  We will have a registry in case people ask for it, but my husband and I got married a few months before we got pregnant, so I feel like we've been "showered" with enough gifts at this point.  I'm sure some people will bring a gift and others won't, but I want to get everyone together before I become a Mom and if people want to judge me for thinking I'm throwing my own shower, then they likely aren't the people I'm inviting anyway.

We had just bought our house in July, DD was due in November as well, so we had the party in September so it was still nice enough to go outside. I really only got a couple onesies and gowns. We were cloth diapering, so we didn't he diapers. We'd already bought our crib, dresser, travel system, etc... 

fiscally3

It's weird to me to throw your own shower.  I was surprised when my co-workers threw me one for my second child, since they also had one for my first.  After being invited to a slew of sprinkles last year (probably one every month), I am not a huge fan of them and didn't really seem a difference between it and a low key shower (I mean I get it if you are having a different gender or its been a long time, but that was not the case for a lot of them).  If I can get my mom to have it at her house (much bigger than ours), I'd like to have a sip & see, but I'd request no gifts.  

aquasocks

Where I live, most people are pretty old school when it comes to parties, and not only is it totally inappropriate to throw your own baby/bridal shower, but it's also a big faux-pas if your mother throws it for you. Also very few people have co-ed baby showers. My MIL insisted on a baby shower for us at her house for my husband's family (they live out of state,) and I was pretty uncomfortable with it because I didn't think the grandma should throw the shower, and I'd never been to a baby shower with men there (gasp!!!) But they all seemed to think it was normal and fine, and she also threw her daughter's baby shower.

I have never ever been invited to a shower someone is throwing for themselves. (I live in the Deep South.) I would be shocked, pearls would be clutched, and many many "Bless her Heart"s would be given. 

The best part is that there is always lots of booze at showers and they are actually really fun and everyone is super nice.

lajoliedreamer

@ficbot I'm also Jewish (by marriage and conversion) and I hadn't heard that about gifting pre-baby. I did know that it's bad luck to wish an expectant mother "mazal tov" and that you should instead say "beshaah tovah" - but hadn't heard it extending over to gifting. Learned something new today!

LikeICantEven

Side story unrelated but too funny to not share: I went to the shower of a girl I was friends with in high school and not thereafter. She threw herself one and begged me to come after I ran into her at a store.

I spent a ton on clothes because I knew she was struggling and baby clothes are cute, squee. So I go, and pull into the driveway, she's belly out to here and popping Vicodin. I ask her, "uhhh are you okay? Is that okay?" and she goes, "Yeah I have to take 2 because I overdid it cleaning up my house for the shower." ..... insert side eye here.

Then, I swear to God this is 100% true, halfway through the baby shower there's a knock at the door. It was incredibly awkward when I turned my head as I'm sitting on her couch and I'm suddenly staring into the hairy navel of a grown ass man in an adult diaper, curly blonde wig and giant baby bottle in hand. It was her SO's buddy showing up the all female shower as a gag. Except it wasn't funny, no one laughed and he didn't understand that maybe it wasn't working out like he planned and he should back away slowly.

I gagged alright. I stayed 5 minutes after that (it was so incredibly awkward) and then as I left, I see the Mom to be, puffing away on a cigarette in her driveway, waving me off. Never again.