TTC guilt

ThePax89

Does anyone feel angry/guilty about ttc? 

I'm angry because I shouldn't be trying to get pregnant, I should be 22 weeks pregnant. 

And I feel guilty replacing this tiny person... 

Rough day, just trying to figure out how the rest of you are able to work through these thoughts. 

Prayers for us all. None of us want to be here, but I'm grateful to have this community. 

mylittleversailles

I feel desperate and irritated at having to TTC again. I wasn't good with it in the first place and now here I am again, but with even more terror and self-doubt. My sex drive has vanished, which doesn't help. I aggressively don't calculate where I should be right now but as the due date approaches, which is emblazoned in my mind and is right after a friend's, I know that approach won't work for long. I feel like we'll never have any kids and it's excruciating sometimes.

I don't have any coping strategies to add at the moment, but that's because I feel like absolute crap today between the cramping, nausea and gastrointestinal upset - all from hormones ramping up for AF (tomorrow?).

Edit: more words

beff12

Yes, I 100% agree. I should be 7ish months pregnant now and when I start testing I get so mad. A seven months pregnant lady should not be taking pregnancy tests. I shouldn't be having periods. I should be folding away tiny clothes and organizing a nursery. My SIL is exactly as pregnant as I should be and I can't handle it. I want May to get here and be over with. We had excellent timing this month and I'm dreading the next couple weeks - I want to be pregnant but I'm terrified to be pregnant. 

ETA: to answer your question, it is probably apparent that I don't have any way that I'm thinking through these thoughts haha. A lot of praying and a lot of trying to keep my mind busy. 

MWoodside

*tw: pg mentioned*
Mostly I feel anxiery and impatience about ttc. I had severe anxiety with my rainbow pregnancy and I'm scared to face that again. I was a basket case waiting for the other foot to drop, basically. 

I slso lap feel jealousy, especially with my friends marker babies that are the same she my squish should be now, 5-6idh wks. 

This is so hard. Hugs to all.

SnobunnieMel

Yes. I feel exactly the same way. I feel so angry that I should be pregnant when I'm not. I hate having scheduled every other day BD to trying and "replace" our baby we lost. It makes it feel so clinical and hard to bring romance to. All I want it to be pregnant again as soon as possible in the hopes it will help me feel better, but at the same time I hate myself for those thoughts because I feel like it means I'm trying to forget my lost baby. 

The meanest joke is the world is the mother of a lost child having to take HPTs to test OUT the positive line so they know when things can get going again. I have cried in be bathroom so many days lately over conflicted feelings. 

@reneeannemm @ThePax89 we are all in this together. We all probably lack normal coping skills but some how we are stronger than we think. We all keep making it to the next day. 

ThePax89

@SnobunnieMel exactly! Remember when positive pregnancy tests were a good thing? Goodness. With my last pregnancy (which was right after my first loss) I poas every day to make sure the lines got darker...which they did, despite not being pregnant with a live baby. Then I poas for 6 weeks waiting for the lines to disappear. 

megsbrock

I feel you on this. I get waves of raging frustration (like, panic attack mode) that we are STILL month to month TTC as other people seem to be lapping me having babies and onto their next pregnancy. It sucks. I find the only way to get through the bad days is to try and enjoy a little non-pregnant life....wine, intense exercise, travel planning. Gets me through the rough spots and helps me to be a little more present.
big hugs to you.

roxgibbons

I can relate as well. I'm not actively TTC quite yet as I'm benched  (which is frustrating in itself) due to upcoming procedures but I get really upset when I think we are back at square one. I should be close to 17weeks now and not getting geared up for procedures and IUI treatments.  I also feel like our sex life certainly has not been the same after our loss. I'm trying to get back into a rythym but it's just strange- it's like I've lost all interest.  

AL_TwinCities

I hear you! We have an appointment with an RE in July. Part of me is happy that we couldn't get in sooner - while we will keep TTC in the meantime, I will feel better about getting PG again if it is after my July EDD for loss #2. Something about being pg again before that EDD feels so wrong!

Spartanrd4

I am still benched until first AF which I have no idea will show up....frustrated that I have no clue what's going on with my cycle and have no control over anything. I still have hcg in my system so ovulation is nowhere in sight....I just feel stuck. I'm upset that we have to start trying again....everyone says you'll get pregnant again. But I was pregnant....I would be almost 14 weeks now and now we have to start all over. Then there is my coworker who went off the pill and 2 weeks later she's KU and everything is fine. Why is it so easy for some people? I don't want to forget the baby I lost but I know I won't be truly happy until I'm pregnant again. I think about getting pregnant and TTC all the time...I'm obsessed! I hate temping, the pressure to BD at the right time, the testing...it sucks! Yesterday I had to renew my fertility friend subscription and that really upset me. We shouldn't all be in this situation and it hurts.

Kirchetta

I hear you ladies.  I should be 12 weeks, but miscarried at 8.  I think it would be better for my healing if I stopped thinking in terms of how far along I should be, but it's hard not to think that way.  I am waiting for my hCG levels to return to zero and will then take Provera to induce my period and start my infertility treatments all over again.  My husband is leaving the decision to continue TTC up to me, and my feeling is that I would be pregnant again right now if I could.  I don't want to replace the baby I lost...But we have been trying for so long, and then to have our dream torn away from us like this is just too much.  Another pregnancy would give me hope and happiness.

You are all in my thoughts.

ThePax89

@Spartanrd4 fwiw, I got my first period post d&c before my hcg hit zero. Day 5 of my cycle, my hcg was an 8. I believe it was an anovulatory cycle though. 

ThePax89

Thank you all so much for your kind words, suggestions, and shared experiences. It sounds like the way I'm feeling is totally normal. This is my first month ttc, and it's obvious that I'm out this month, but this has been the peak of my anxiety and sadness about my losses.